I may have messed up...

[A14shayy]

My name is Shalonda, I am 52 years of age. My husband is 55 years of age and the GF 42 years of age.

I am new to Poly relationships. My husband (military man) is not, he has had friends when he was younger with benefits pretty much in all his marriages. I am the 4th marriage.

I am feeling scared. I have been with my husband for 6 years, legally married for 3 months June 2023. My husband and I have been in a triad for a whole complete month. (August 2023)

Back story, I was bisexually dormant for 27 years. I shared this part of my life with my husband when we met/dated. So as our relationship grew, for fun we would like visiting lifestyle clubs as voyeurs. I have always looked at attractive women, complimented them, but I didn't want to sleep or have a relationship with one. My last girlfriend (1997) hurt my heart and spirit.

So fast forward, just months of being legally married, I went online. I had told my husband that after we got married, I would find a girl that would be our friend that we could have a long relationship with and also have sex with. I wanted a every now and then type thing.

I looked for a female, I pursued her and she pursued me. We all 3 met and she talked about a closed triad is what she was looking for and my husband totally agreed. They both had to explain it to me (not knowledgeable about poly) and then I agreed.
I have watched so many videos, read to many blogs....I am mentally tired/drained.

We didn't even date the girl. After our second meet and greet together, we asked her will you be with us? And she said yes. She fits in our life and she says we fit hers. We are all 3 are empty nesters. We have time to travel and and enjoy life.

My husband states that he can tell that I enjoy being with him and her sexually. My thoughts are that it is more than sex, it is a relationship that has to be maintained daily. It is a lot of intentional care taking.

I have thus pulled back.from the both of them. I have been an emotional wreck.

They both said that this would not work without me approving it. She told us that she gets attached real easy and that I would have to give her the okay to go all in to loving me and loving my husband. And that I need to communicate with them when I am having negative emotions.

Scary...I have more to lose in this relationship. How can I communicate that to them? How can I communicate that I feel resentful that I have to keep up a happy face for them to be happy?

I feel like the hinge now (new word for me). I feel like both their happiness is dependent on me. And I got internal things going on.

I have realized that I am the one with the jealousy issues, I have hormones going up and down from peri-menapause and I am indecisive at the time. Let's not forget insecure. So how is this supposed to work?

And that is making me feel not good. What about my happiness, if I am totally committed to their happiness, I have to work harder in all of this to make "US" work. And that not a good feeling....I feel pressure.

Now that we can possibly have a triad and a relationship that feels right, I am scared to death for my marriage.

She told us that if I need to step back and have space, that I can do that. All 3 of us are distant at least that is what I feel. I mean I really can only say that I me and her are distant...they could still be communicating.

She said that she will not wait for long though. And I totally understand that.
Maybe this is not the best time for me to be changing my life.

But I know that I would feel sad not having her in our lives.

Edit 09-12-2023 Another caveat to US.

My husband has told me that this is probably the best that we can get. And that it is hard out here dating for a couple like us. All three of us share a STI gift that keeps on giving. So we are not out here trying to sleep around and have multiple partners.

We are very sexually responsible and only was on a dating site for people like all of us, if you understand.

I found her and I may lose her because she said she is not going to wait too long for me to make a decision.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi, I am sorry that trying to form a triad is not going the way you expected. Your experience is all too common.

I recommend you and your h pull back from trying to date someone until you know a lot more about what you're getting into. You've had a long time fantasy about sharing a hot bi babe, but that's all it is. A fantasy. You had no info to go on as to how triads actually work!

We have a thread going on right now about triads, and unicorn hunters. You might want to check it out. I'll add a link.

You said you've watched videos and listened to blogs until you're exhausted. Again, I'd recommend stepping back from dating until you have time, at your leisure, to absorb all this new and strange (to you) info. Where's the fire?

Maybe your h won't want to break things off with the new person. Hopefully he will respect you enough to do so though. I know he's been in open relationships before, but if he sees you upset and overwhelmed, it would be helpful of him to step back and go at your pace, at least for a while. Most successfully poly couples who are formely mono do at least one, if not two years of research before actually starting to date.

And dating as a couple is much harder to do than dating independently, as we try to explain the thread I mentioned.

As for the new person, it was her choice to start dating a newly open couple. I personally stopped trying to date even one person in a newbie couple because being in the middle of their growing pains is no fun.

 

[Magdlyn]

Here's the thread about triads:

https://polyamory.com/threads/hey-formerly-mono-couples-opening-up-to-polyamory.155659/

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Shalonda,

It sounds like you are really struggling in this new triad relationship. One thing is that it is a relationship, and as such, it requires work. You are worn out from all the work it requires. I don't know if it would help if your contact with your girlfriend were less frequent. And I can't tell whether you are enjoying the threesomes? In any case you feel like you are doing all the work, and taking all the responsibility, in this triad relationship. Well proposed triad anyway.

Actually my take on it is that your girlfriend should give you more time. Like maybe this should just be a platonic friendship with her until all three of you have gotten to know each other better, and done some research. Right now, it sounds like you are the only one doing all of the research, and that's not fair to you, plus it makes things harder for all three of you. Things are happening very fast here, and the three of you need to sit down together, and have a heart-to-heart.

Hang in there.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[A14shayy]

Hi, I am sorry that trying to form a triad is not going the way you expected. Your experience is all too common.

I recommend you and your h pull back from trying to date someone until you know a lot more about what you're getting into. You've had a long time fantasy about sharing a hot bi babe, but that's all it is. A fantasy. You had no info to go on as to how triads actually work!

We have a thread going on right now about triads, and unicorn hunters. You might want to check it out. I'll add a link.

You said you've watched videos and listened to blogs until you're exhausted. Again, I'd recommend stepping back from dating until you have time, at your leisure, to absorb all this new and strange (to you) info. Where's the fire?

Maybe your h won't want to break things off with the new person. Hopefully he will respect you enough to do so though. I know he's been in open relationships before, but if he sees you upset and overwhelmed, it would be helpful of him to step back and go at your pace, at least for a while. Most successfully poly couples who are formely mono do at least one, if not two years of research before actually starting to date.

And dating as a couple is much harder to do than dating independently, as we try to explain the thread I mentioned.

As for the new person, it was her choice to start dating a newly open couple. I personally stopped trying to date even one person in a newbie couple because being in the middle of their growing pains is no fun.

Oh my goodness Magdlyn, I thank you for this reply. I just want to cry right now and I don't know if it's my hormones or the thought of how I messed this up. I don't want to hurt her nor my husband. They really want this relationship. I will definitely look into the link that will provide resources for me. Thank you kindly.

 

[A14shayy]

H

Hello Shalonda,

It sounds like you are really struggling in this new triad relationship. One thing is that it is a relationship, and as such, it requires work. You are worn out from all the work it requires. I don't know if it would help if your contact with your girlfriend were less frequent. And I can't tell whether you are enjoying the threesomes? In any case you feel like you are doing all the work, and taking all the responsibility, in this triad relationship. Well proposed triad anyway.

Actually my take on it is that your girlfriend should give you more time. Like maybe this should just be a platonic friendship with her until all three of you have gotten to know each other better, and done some research. Right now, it sounds like you are the only one doing all of the research, and that's not fair to you, plus it makes things harder for all three of you. Things are happening very fast here, and the three of you need to sit down together, and have a heart-to-heart.

Hang in there.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Hi Kevin, thank you for your words of wisdom/encouragement. We do plan to meet soon to talk. I do enjoy us being together, in public and the bedroom. I know that I need more time, but I am afraid she will not wait for me/us and my husband will feel let down. My husband has told me that this is probably the best that we can get. We are in our fifties, he is aging. And that it is hard out there for a couple like us. Another caveat to US, is that we three all share a gift that keeps on giving. So we are not out here trying to sleep around. We are very responsible and only was on a dating site for people like all of us, if you understand. I found her and I may lose her because she said she is not going to wait too long for me to make a decision.

 

[Magdlyn]

It's not fair of your husband and your gf to pressure you. Doing a triad is not easy. And you're not having fun.

As for aging, I divorced at age 53 and here I am about 15 years later with a gf I met almost right away, with lots of poly dating under my belt, and currently with a lovely bf too, whom I've been seeing for about 2 years. Age is just a number. If you're fit, you're young. I'm not entirely fit, but I do my best and I have the love of 2 fantastic people (who happen to be a good deal younger than me). The idea of "scarcity" and hurrying and being frantic does not mesh with the idea of falling in love and taking things at a pace that doesn't freak you out, frighten you or exhaust you.

Telling your husband that you would find a girl for you two to share as soon as you got a ring on your finger was perhaps unwise.

Trying to share a "hot bi babe" (HBB) almost never works.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

I think you could take a deep breath and try to calm down some. I could be wrong in my impressions, but you sound like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself when there doesn't have to be so much.

You are kinda coming at it in a big hurry. When really... where's the fire?

I looked for a female, I pursued her and she pursued me. We all 3 met and she talked about a closed triad. That is what she was looking for, and my husband totally agreed. They both had to explain it to me (I'm not knowledgeable about poly) and then I agreed.

But do YOU actually want a closed triad here, or would you rather have FWBs, or more serious dating partners?

We didn't even date the girl.

You are dating her NOW. It's a month in.

I have thus pulled back from the both of them. I have been an emotional wreck.

Because you don't want a serious GF, you just wanted a regular FWB?

They both said that this would not work without me approving it.

Approving WHAT, everyone dating each other?

She told us that she gets attached real easy

That's her thing to deal with. She could regulate her own emotions.

and that I would have to give her the okay to go all-in to loving me and loving my husband.

Why do you have to be in charge of her emotional involvement here? She can't make her decisions herself?

And that I need to communicate with them when I am having negative emotions.

You don't sound like you are having esp. negative emotions. You just are getting your bearings here. Again... you're only a month in. It is NORMAL to have some wobble and uncertainty. The "old normal" is gone. This "new normal" isn't totally here yet. Things are gonna feel weird in transition until it stabilizes, which is NORMAL.

Scary... I have more to lose in this relationship. How can I communicate that to them?

What would you lose? You do not actually say.

How can I communicate that I feel resentful that I have to keep up a happy face for them to be happy?

How about you just don't fake a "happy face" and instead be honest that you are having a period of adjustment? Then you don't have to fake anything or resent doing the faking. Are you able to be emotionally honest with people?

I feel like the hinge now (new word for me). I feel like both their happiness is dependent on me. And I got internal things going on.

Why is their happiness your job to manage, rather than each person being responsible for their own emotional management, and their own happiness?

I have realized that I am the one with the jealousy issues, I have hormones going up and down from peri-menopause and I am indecisive at this time. Let's not forget insecure. So how is this supposed to work?

How about you slow down some?

• You have dates with her.
• He has dates with her.
• You and him have dates.

And maybe put group sex on the back burner if that's causing upset right now. Share sex in dyads only. Group sex is not a requirement in polyamory. It's its own thing.

And if you are all taking on too much in one go, it's ok to slow down to baby steps.

And that is making me feel not good. What about my happiness, if I am totally committed to their happiness, I have to work harder in all of this to make "US" work. And that not a good feeling....I feel pressure.

So stop pressuring yourself so much to make "us" work, cuz you can't do all the work. Each person does their fair share if this is going to pan out. Not you doing your own work and then hers and then his on top. That's the path to you burning out. And if those two are coasting on your efforts, that's not them doing kind behavior towards you, is it?

You are all still getting to know each other. All of you are empty nesters. Cool. But that can't be the only thing you have in common, right? There has to be more than just that to make a thing sustainable long term. It's ok to slow down and enjoy how this naturally unfolds rather than being in a huge hurry to get to.... where?

Could talk about a peaceful parting if a break-up has to happen. Nobody WANTS the plane to crash, but they still pack parachutes, right? If you knew a break-up would be as peaceful as possible... would that help you RELAX some and enjoy participating here?

Or is it that you don't want this at all? You wanted a casual sex encounter, like a one-off, not some huge triad relationship?

Now that we can possibly have a triad and a relationship that feels right, I am scared to death for my marriage.

Why? Is it because you wanted a longer "honeymoon" period in the marriage first as newlyweds, and now you aren't getting it? If you and husband started poly-dating too soon, it's better to say so sooner than later.

She told us that if I need to step back and have space, that I can do that.

Yup. You can step back if you need to.

All 3 of us are distant, at least that is what I feel. I mean I really can only say that she and I are distant... They could still be communicating.

So... you would not be up for just them two dating, and this being a poly V?

She said that she will not wait for long, though. And I totally understand that.

That's fine.

Maybe this is not the best time for me to be changing my life.

I would have waited -- enjoyed the new marriage for a while first. But I'm not you. You have to figure out what you want.

But I know that I would feel sad not having her in our lives.

It's ok to feel sad if this breaks up. That is NORMAL feelings to have in a break-up.

I am afraid she will not wait for me/us and my husband will feel let down.

Why so fearful? It's ok if this doesn't pan out. Not everyone one dates will turn out to be a long-term thing.

And it's ok if husband is sad at a break-up. That's NORMAL to feel in a break-up.

Do you struggle with being a people pleaser, or feeling responsible for other people's feelings?

My husband has told me that this is probably the best that we can get. We are in our fifties, he is aging. And that it is hard out there for a couple like us.

That sounds like that is HIS concern, not yours. Do you struggle not to take other people's concerns on board for yourself?

And hard how? 50s is middle aged. What's his worry: erectile dysfunction, andropause, something else?

Are you two not able to find age-appropriate people to be friends with or date? Are you not willing to date separately? You seemed to find someone just fine at your first attempt.

I think it's ok if you want to take time out to gather your thoughts, if you came to this too much, too soon, and now feel like you are in over your head. Prioritize your own well being.

Galagirl

 

[A14shayy]

I'm sorry you struggle.

I think you could take a deep breath and try to calm down some. I could be wrong in my impressions, but you sound like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself when there doesn't have to be so much.

You are kinda coming at it in a big hurry. When really... where's the fire?



But do YOU actually want a closed triad here, or would you rather have FWBs, or more serious dating partners?



You are dating her NOW. It's a month in.



Because you don't want a serious GF, you just wanted a regular FWB?



Approving WHAT, everyone dating each other?



That's her thing to deal with. She could regulate her own emotions.



Why do you have to be in charge of her emotional involvement here? She can't make her decisions herself?



You don't sound like you are having esp. negative emotions. You just are getting your bearings here. Again... you're only a month in. It is NORMAL to have some wobble and uncertainty. The "old normal" is gone. This "new normal" isn't totally here yet. Things are gonna feel weird in transition until it stabilizes, which is NORMAL.




What would you lose? You do not actually say.



How about you just don't fake a "happy face" and instead be honest that you are having a period of adjustment? Then you don't have to fake anything or resent doing the faking. Are you able to be emotionally honest with people?



Why is their happiness your job to manage, rather than each person being responsible for their own emotional management, and their own happiness?



How about you slow down some?

• You have dates with her.
• He has dates with her.
• You and him have dates.

And maybe put group sex on the back burner if that's causing upset right now. Share sex in dyads only. Group sex is not a requirement in polyamory. It's its own thing.

And if you are all taking on too much in one go, it's ok to slow down to baby steps.




So stop pressuring yourself so much to make "us" work, cuz you can't do all the work. Each person does their fair share if this is going to pan out. Not you doing your own work and then hers and then his on top. That's the path to you burning out. And if those two are coasting on your efforts, that's not them doing kind behavior towards you, is it?

You are all still getting to know each other. All of you are empty nesters. Cool. But that can't be the only thing you have in common, right? There has to be more than just that to make a thing sustainable long term. It's ok to slow down and enjoy how this naturally unfolds rather than being in a huge hurry to get to.... where?

Could talk about a peaceful parting if a break-up has to happen. Nobody WANTS the plane to crash, but they still pack parachutes, right? If you knew a break-up would be as peaceful as possible... would that help you RELAX some and enjoy participating here?

Or is it that you don't want this at all? You wanted a casual sex encounter, like a one-off, not some huge triad relationship?



Why? Is it because you wanted a longer "honeymoon" period in the marriage first as newlyweds, and now you aren't getting it? If you and husband started poly-dating too soon, it's better to say so sooner than later.



Yup. You can step back if you need to.



So... you would not be up for just them two dating, and this being a poly V?



That's fine.



I would have waited -- enjoyed the new marriage for a while first. But I'm not you. You have to figure out what you want.



It's ok to feel sad if this breaks up. That is NORMAL feelings to have in a break-up.



Why so fearful? It's ok if this doesn't pan out. Not everyone one dates will turn out to be a long-term thing.

And it's ok if husband is sad at a break-up. That's NORMAL to feel in a break-up.

Do you struggle with being a people pleaser, or feeling responsible for other people's feelings?



That sounds like that is HIS concern, not yours. Do you struggle not to take other people's concerns on board for yourself?

And hard how? 50s is middle aged. What's his worry: erectile dysfunction, andropause, something else?

Are you two not able to find age-appropriate people to be friends with or date? Are you not willing to date separately? You seemed to find someone just fine at your first attempt.

I think it's ok if you want to take time out to gather your thoughts, if you came to this too much, too soon, and now feel like you are in over your head. Prioritize your own well being.

Galagirl

Good morning Galagirl,
You have given me quite a lot to digest. Your comments were very therapeutic. I am going to self reflect.

Yes, I did want what my husband had explained to me as a FWB type situation like he has had in his past marriages.

But what I ended up with, was a triad relationship with all 3 of us.

And need time to see if this is what I really want and I am going to tell them this.

I didn't have the words, I didn't have ownership of what I was experiencing but you and the other two commenters have given me strength to now communicate with them and explain what I need to do and want my expectations. Thank you so much.

 

[kdt26417]

Hang in there, and it is okay to have your own voice.