I Need Advice and Help

Hi SexySerb,

Good to see you back! I've been wondering what happened. It sounds like a positive outcome and you're sounding more well rested now. Your husband sounds like a very understanding man and you sound very grateful to him for that. I'm sure he sees that and appreciates it. Well done.

I anticipate that the usefulness of this forum will disappear as you return to a monogamous life. You are totally welcome to use the blogs section to write about your journey back to monogamy. I have read several such blogs, but most tend to be short. I feel that the greatest strength of the people on this forum is obviously advice on polyamory, but because of the nature of polyamory, I feel the members here also excel in trying to do other things that society would consider unconventional, like acceptance of non standard gender identity (eg transgender), acceptance of non standard relationship identities (gay, lesbian), other non standard relationship models (long distance, swinging, group sex, relationship anarchy), non standard religiosity and perhaps a greater intellect. The downsides to ongoing engagement with a polyamory community whilst bound by monogamy is that the philosophies you adopt with your husband will be different from those on this forum. I feel that polyamory has more emphasis on autonomy whilst a healthy monogamy focuses more on the duality of the relationship and the concept of a "couple bubble". There's overlap of course, because healthy relationships, polyamory or monogamy, share many similar foundations.

I'm very impressed by your husband. I've never heard of someone taking in the kind of news you've given to him with such stoicism. I would love to meet someone like that in real life one day. I feel I could learn a lot from him. Having said that, if the reality of the situation starts to wear on him and he starts to ask more questions about your past, I would recommend telling the whole truth. There is the concept of "trickle truth", where the lies of the past are revealed slowly over a longer period than needed in such a way that it often hurts more than the events itself. Obviously, if he has no need to know and doesn't ask, then you don't tell. But if he needs to know, I feel this would be the correct time to come clean. I feel it would help build trust and honesty again, and I suspect anything that helps build trust will go a long way in proving to him that you can do monogamy again. Your accountability plan will also help in doing this.

Good luck, SexySerb. Life in the Ivory tower will not be dull,
Shaya.

P.S On Anamikanon's sidenote, recovery from a DADT gone wrong looks like affair recovery because of the broken boundaries. Affair is monogamy's broken boundary. The issues around trust, lies and healing are the same.
 
I'm finding this a useful book that describes why we feel an emotional or sexual attraction to others. It defines the boundary that most monogamous couples have when it comes to emotional or sexual fidelity and gives what I feel to be an ethical manner to work within those boundaries. Shows you warning signs and also how not to cross those boundaries. It's an affair recovery book with a bias to monogamy, but it may be helpful.
 
I think affair recovery sites have good ideas for this. They made me itchy, but then I'm not monogamous. But basically goes along the lines of full truth (not sure you should do that), explanation of relationship forming behavior - as in what are the signs that you get interested in someone - so the partner can spot them and ask you, full access to ask questions - the part that weirded me out was giving social usernames and passwords so they can check to reassure themselves and such. There are sites. I think @Shaya had shared a good link earlier.

Basically, if you hadn't lived up to your end before, then it amounts to a betrayal, even if technically it was DADT poly. So you fix it as you would fix an affair you had concealed from partner. So those types of sites may have actionable advice for you, even if you weren't exactly having affairs.



No idea how to do that. I tend not to get tempted to fudge boundaries at all, so while I understand broken boundaries, I have no experiential insight on what it means to struggle to maintain them. It isn't as virtuous as it sounds, basically I can't recall a boundary offhand that conflicts with my default behavior. I would guess it would involve very specific rules for yourself. If you tend to be tempted, err on the side of caution, so your have some space to turn around when your mental alarm goes off. And a reminder attached of what you risk losing if you lose his trust a second time.

So, if you have good self-awareness+control, maybe if you'd go - "no acting on any attraction to non-husband person" if you know you get tempted you go "no singling out for attention people who fit my potential sexual partner profile" - take the guesswork out of it. If the person is the type you fall for, stay away. If the reason for you singling them out isn't yet attraction, them fitting the profile guarantees attraction is likely with sustained contact. So don't go there. Because if tempted, it gets really easy to fool yourself with "not really unfaithful, just talking together" "Not really unfaithful, just texting half the night away" etc If you don't trust yourself, don't make rules that need trust, keep them verifiable based on straight actions.

Stray thought: What's wrong with going cold turkey? Send them email/text with brief explanation that you and your husband have agreed to go monogamous and you apologise for any hurt/disappointment caused, but you will not be able to continue. Sure, it is not fair to them, but you said the relationships were casual. Plus, if you are ending things anyway, you might as well end them. Maybe allow yourself a brief period where you can make any clarifications needed, but don't meet them. Period. That's a good hard boundary and you'll have a headstart to test/tweak/perfect it before your two months are up.

Sidenote: Is it just me thinking that recovering from DADT gone wrong looks a lot like affair recovery?

Anamikanon

I have read on infidelity forums but really don't identify with the cheating wife profiles there. I broke boundaries but not all the time and I kept others. i don't think I "cheated" and hubby has not acted like a betrayed husband who can't eat, sleep, or function.

You are right though, cold turkey is the only way to do this, and the fact is unless someone stays in their house locked up you are going to somewhere in going about your life run into someone of the opposite sex that attracts you. I guess the answer is just called self discipline, the same self control I had for more than 25 years of married life. i, like probably most everyone here, have had men approach me in every setting imaginable, from bars to coaches of my kids, and resisted for most of my adult life. Funny about my "type". I always went in my single life for the "Hero" type, big, muscular guys ( I am 5'8")that make the "Magic Mike' guys look like twigs.. I love the cannon ball biceps. But in my poly life (Lol), i tried them all. And you know that it is practically impossible not to like some attention. We all do even if we don't want to admit it.

My LDR airline pilot is over and the rest I can do and quite honestly, it should as i think straight now be relatively easy except on social media. Deleting the apps and blocking FB will take care of that. My husband gave me a separate cell phone because he did not want our home life interrupted when he was home with guys contacting me all the time. I will be closing that down this week. I think I am well on my way, as I had cancelled a few meet ups before I went to California.

My husband is not one who will be playing CIA detective. The status right now is we try to go back to mono and we will revisit at the end of the year.
He made it clear that does NOT mean he will accept or not accept anything but will discuss my feelings. I think it was Gala Girl who suggested not to make any forever commitments and that was good advice.

I am happy now and so far no real withdrawal. I did develop a good friendship with another woman I met at swingers club ( not sexual), but I know I have to end this friendship as she is in a "hotwife" type relationship and I do not need that in my ear right now. But i will miss her friendship.

I am so thankful I think I have done the right thing. I guess coming close to losing something makes you appreciate it so much more.
 
Hi SexySerb,

Good to see you back! I've been wondering what happened. It sounds like a positive outcome and you're sounding more well rested now. Your husband sounds like a very understanding man and you sound very grateful to him for that. I'm sure he sees that and appreciates it. Well done.

I anticipate that the usefulness of this forum will disappear as you return to a monogamous life. You are totally welcome to use the blogs section to write about your journey back to monogamy. I have read several such blogs, but most tend to be short. I feel that the greatest strength of the people on this forum is obviously advice on polyamory, but because of the nature of polyamory, I feel the members here also excel in trying to do other things that society would consider unconventional, like acceptance of non standard gender identity (eg transgender), acceptance of non standard relationship identities (gay, lesbian), other non standard relationship models (long distance, swinging, group sex, relationship anarchy), non standard religiosity and perhaps a greater intellect. The downsides to ongoing engagement with a polyamory community whilst bound by monogamy is that the philosophies you adopt with your husband will be different from those on this forum. I feel that polyamory has more emphasis on autonomy whilst a healthy monogamy focuses more on the duality of the relationship and the concept of a "couple bubble". There's overlap of course, because healthy relationships, polyamory or monogamy, share many similar foundations.

I'm very impressed by your husband. I've never heard of someone taking in the kind of news you've given to him with such stoicism. I would love to meet someone like that in real life one day. I feel I could learn a lot from him. Having said that, if the reality of the situation starts to wear on him and he starts to ask more questions about your past, I would recommend telling the whole truth. There is the concept of "trickle truth", where the lies of the past are revealed slowly over a longer period than needed in such a way that it often hurts more than the events itself. Obviously, if he has no need to know and doesn't ask, then you don't tell. But if he needs to know, I feel this would be the correct time to come clean. I feel it would help build trust and honesty again, and I suspect anything that helps build trust will go a long way in proving to him that you can do monogamy again. Your accountability plan will also help in doing this.

Good luck, SexySerb. Life in the Ivory tower will not be dull,
Shaya.

P.S On Anamikanon's sidenote, recovery from a DADT gone wrong looks like affair recovery because of the broken boundaries. Affair is monogamy's broken boundary. The issues around trust, lies and healing are the same.

Shaya,

You are a real smart man and I love the way you write.

I'm very impressed by your husband. I've never heard of someone taking in the kind of news you've given to him with such stoicism.

Not sure stoicism is the right word. The conversations were and will still be difficult. He just is a no nonsense type guy and I guess his job and all the major decisions he has to make enable him to cut through the clutter and face things head on. I am sure we will have some more emotional and tense discussions but I agree 100% with you. I have read about the so called "trickle truth" and how in many cases it causes the destruction of the relationship more than the actual physical relations. I know some might disagree but I have and will answer ANY question he asks looking him straight in the eye and not hold back. i do not want to be backtracking on answer months from now.

I am excited for hubby on his new job and title. He has worked so hard and spent so much time away earning this. And the great part is having him home all the time will make our marriage restructuring I think much easier than if i was spending three weeks a month by myself most days. He also told me that until August he wants me to come on a few trips with him like I used to and that thrills me.

Keep writing on this forum Shaya. Your analysis and comments are very thoughtful.
 
Hey,

Thanks for the feedback. Right now I'm mono but if in a year or more from now I go down the poly pathway, I'm sure I'll be back here starting a thread for advice. I would look forward to your experience at that time to help me out of a dark place too.

Cheers,
Shaya.
 
Glad you guys were able to talk and have a plan developing for the next year. I hope all the changes go smoothly -- both I'm being home now work-wise rather than traveling so much and being Closed/monogamous for the next year.

GL!
Galagirl
 
I saw that you posted on another thread and thought gee I hope she posts and update and then I found it ....thanks. Glad things work out for you.:D


I have 2 questions. Was your gut right were you approaching the point of no return or did the job promotion make all that mute?


I know you had a DADT and I know you broke few requests / boundaries but I wonder if you thing some of your behavior abused the spirit of the DADT? Or is that exactly the spirit of the DADT??
 
I saw that you posted on another thread and thought gee I hope she posts and update and then I found it ....thanks. Glad things work out for you.:D


I have 2 questions. Was your gut right were you approaching the point of no return or did the job promotion make all that mute?


I know you had a DADT and I know you broke few requests / boundaries but I wonder if you thing some of your behavior abused the spirit of the DADT? Or is that exactly the spirit of the DADT??


Dinged

The answer to the first question was yes my gut was right, but I thought it would be from his behavior for months gradually detaching, especially during intimate times. When you live with someone for so long you just "feel" these things. He obviously had to tell me about the job situation pretty soon because his schedule soon will be more erratic even up until August 1.

Again, I think in the beginning he thought this was a phase that would dissipate and the DADT with the travel I think made him feel out of sight out of mind. There is a lot more to this but I did not want to write a book.

I know there are many here who are not fans of DADT and who would not get involved that way. I'm not trying to offend anyone but as I've said before but my husband is not one of these guys who would agree to anything I asked for just because he was scared to lose me. He is handsome, wealthy, and not like a lot of men who 'cave" on all demands rather than divorce. We read a book called, "His needs, Her needs" and it says that SEX is the most important thing that men need in a relationship, and I think that many men who are really not into poly agree to it because they do not want to lose their sex partner and have to go out and find it again. Same reason some men on infidelity forums stay with women who cheat multiple times.

Did some of my behavior abuse our agreements??? You bet, and I do believe that i made the right choice telling him in California. The first six months i was the worst. When the question about men in the house came, I could have lied but I did not. He FLIPPED and actually left our hotel suite for a while. Drinking was involved and he told be that was bull shit and that I have a credit card in my purse with a $30,000 limit and I could have taken a fucking cab or UBER for a solid week if I wanted to. Scariest moment of the week end.

The one other potential real deal breakers that I did not break was I made it clear to all my partners that we were not going galavanting publiclly around town where I could be exposed to his work. I had no trouble finding men who wanted to have sex with me on my terms and anyone who did not like it was history. Smart decision on my part. Again, I know some will not be impressed with the way i did things. So be it. Right now, I still have my husband which was my primary goal from the beginning.

So now I have this two moth period. Yes I am having a little withdrawal. I have not been with another man for weeks. I am not miserable however, and my husband did not ask me for any FOREVER COMMITMENTS . He promised me he would listen and promised me if it does not work out he will always take care of me financially as long as i am honest. just my half of our assets anyway would make most people happy campers if it came to that so I am very fortunate.

But as I said, I truly cannot imagine my husband coming home from work, kissing me good bye as I go out in my hottest outfit to meet a lover. I never had to do that and I never had to arrive home from another mans bed to greet him. Not even sure how I would feel without the detox period of a day.

i am sorry for the length of the response. if you have any more questions you can PM me or ask here. thanks for taking the time to read.
 
Dinged

The answer to the first question was yes my gut was right, but I thought it would be from his behavior for months gradually detaching, especially during intimate times. When you live with someone for so long you just "feel" these things. He obviously had to tell me about the job situation pretty soon because his schedule soon will be more erratic even up until August 1.

So your gut was right but wrong. He had a difficult topic to discuss. " good news I got a new job / promotion.....bad news I got a new job and promotion and that's going to keep me here most of the time. You thought your gut was telling you were on the verge of losing him and that doesn't really sound like that was the case. BUT was he concerned or worried this new change would cause you to leave him ? Or was the gradual detachment something unrelated ?

I know there are many here who are not fans of DADT and who would not get involved that way. I'm not trying to offend anyone but as I've said before but my husband is not one of these guys who would agree to anything I asked for just because he was scared to lose me. He is handsome, wealthy, and not like a lot of men who 'cave" on all demands rather than divorce. We read a book called, "His needs, Her needs" and it says that SEX is the most important thing that men need in a relationship, and I think that many men who are really not into poly agree to it because they do not want to lose their sex partner and have to go out and find it again. Same reason some men on infidelity forums stay with women who cheat multiple times.

To me it sounds like he agree to this because his job / career took him away from you 20 days a month ....sounds like he was looking out for your needs and not his own. In my case I too thought it was going to be a passing fad. Something that looked better in books or movies than in the practical and as far as I know I ended up being right. In fact as far as I know she's not dating anyone.

Did some of my behavior abuse our agreements??? You bet, and I do believe that i made the right choice telling him in California. The first six months i was the worst. When the question about men in the house came, I could have lied but I did not. He FLIPPED and actually left our hotel suite for a while. Drinking was involved and he told be that was bull shit and that I have a credit card in my purse with a $30,000 limit and I could have taken a fucking cab or UBER for a solid week if I wanted to. Scariest moment of the week end.

The one other potential real deal breakers that I did not break was I made it clear to all my partners that we were not going galavanting publiclly around town where I could be exposed to his work. I had no trouble finding men who wanted to have sex with me on my terms and anyone who did not like it was history. Smart decision on my part. Again, I know some will not be impressed with the way i did things. So be it. Right now, I still have my husband which was my primary goal from the beginning.

I meant specifically did the DADT give you cover or license to take things farther than you would have if it was not there. Or do you think you would have been caught up in the NRE and just lied or avoided being open, omitting details.
I get the reason or reasons for the DADT in the general frame work it's to keep the details from becoming a millstone. However I'm guessing there's some general expectations when people have these DADT agreements. A quick made up example would be having a BF/ GF or casual sex partner and vs going to orgies with random strangers or becoming a high end call girl just for the trill of it. All of it is covered under the DADT but the latter 2 examples might fall outside of the spirit of the DADT.

Men in house violation: I remember when you wrote about that the first time and said it was because of drinking and I chuckled and thought then I hope doesn't try that defense beacuse that's going to blow up badly for exactly the reasons it did.
So now I have this two moth period. Yes I am having a little withdrawal. I have not been with another man for weeks. I am not miserable however, and my husband did not ask me for any FOREVER COMMITMENTS . He promised me he would listen and promised me if it does not work out he will always take care of me financially as long as i am honest. just my half of our assets anyway would make most people happy campers if it came to that so I am very fortunate.

This sounds like this is all on your end " forever commitments ". Do you have forever commitments from him outside of a financial one. Or does he see this as now trying to put the genie back in the bottle?
 
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So your gut was right but wrong. He had a difficult topic to discuss. " good news I got a new job / promotion.....bad news I got a new job and promotion and that's going to keep me here most of the time. You thought your gut was telling you were on the verge of losing him and that doesn't really sound like that was the case. BUT was he concerned or worried this new change would cause you to leave him ? Or was the gradual detachment something unrelated ?



To me it sounds like he agree to this because his job / career took him away from you 20 days a month ....sounds like he was looking out for your needs and not his own. In my case I too thought it was going to be a passing fad. Something that looked better in books or movies than in the practical and as far as I know I ended up being right. In fact as far as I know she's not dating anyone.



I meant specifically did the DADT give you cover or license to take things farther than you would have if it was there. Or do you think you would have been caught up in the NRE and just lied or avoided being open, omitting details.
I get the reason or reasons for the DADT in the general frame work it's to keep the details from becoming a millstone. However I'm guessing there's some general expectations when people have these DADT agreements. A quick made up example would be having a BF/ GF or casual sex partner and vs going to orgies with random strangers or becoming a high end call girl just for the trill of it. All of it is covered under the DADT but the latter 2 examples might fall outside of the spirit of the DADT.

Men in house violation: I remember when you wrote about that the first time and said it was because of drinking and I chuckled and thought then I hope doesn't try that defense beacuse that's going to blow up badly for exactly the reasons it did.


This sounds like this is all on your end " forever commitments ". Do you have forever commitments from him outside of a financial one. Or does he see this as now trying to put the genie back in the bottle?

Dinged,

I was not on the verge of losing him if that means next week. But he was slipping away emotionally from me, and he admitted I was off the pedastal, that our sex was not as special as it had been to him. no, he was not concerned about ME leaving him. He told me if it is what I need to be happy than that is what I need to do. And if I made that choice, he would be 'single' only as long as he wanted to be. He is not a self esteem basket case over this.

As far as hubby looking out for my needs, and agreeing simply because of that. not sure i buy that one. I was pretty persistent, was turned down a couple of times but kept at it. I think I in essence wore him down. I actually think that happens fairly often. That is why most of the stuff i have read on non mono marriages says both partners have to be all in for best chance of success. I think too many of us get so determined to get our way that we miss the signs that partner is not all in and then things go haywire. Just my opinion and I know on a forum this size no one says anything that everyone agrees with.

The DADT thing giving me license is a real good question that I really cant answer without projecting on what I might have done because i did not have the opportunity to do it without the DADT. I did a lot more than a little casual sex, and it is funny but being a high end call girl was a fantasy I have had that I DID NOT do. I had the offer of a lot of money but obviously I had no attention of getting arrested.

The men in house was the absolute STUPIDEST thing i did, and did not do it but a few times. All I can say is sometimes we do the dumbest things. no more need said on that one.

He did not ask me for forever commitments. He said we will talk about how we both feel at the end of year, and that we needed to communicate openly and truthfully. He will not tolerate lying, which is why I have told him stuff i could have kept to myself. the genie in the bottle??? The genie only goes back in the bottle if I do it. This is on me just like the decision to agree was on him and he accepts that decision. I do not even think about the finances really. I will never have to work unless i wanted to no matter what happens.

i think the lesson that can be learned is what some here have said. Non monogamy of any format is hard as hell, but the mono-poly thing is a lot harder and personally I would not recommend it based on what has happened with me. But everyone has to do their own thing and live with it. There are no simple answers to any of this and no guarantees no matter how you plan or try. That is a fact.
 
Dinged,

I was not on the verge of losing him if that means next week. But he was slipping away emotionally from me, and he admitted I was off the pedastal, that our sex was not as special as it had been to him. no, he was not concerned about ME leaving him. He told me if it is what I need to be happy than that is what I need to do. And if I made that choice, he would be 'single' only as long as he wanted to be. He is not a self esteem basket case over this.

Was that something in his own head or was it something to do with your attempt to make sure he was sexually satisfied as part of the grand bargain.

As far as hubby looking out for my needs, and agreeing simply because of that. not sure i buy that one. I was pretty persistent, was turned down a couple of times but kept at it. I think I in essence wore him down. I actually think that happens fairly often. That is why most of the stuff i have read on non mono marriages says both partners have to be all in for best chance of success. I think too many of us get so determined to get our way that we miss the signs that partner is not all in and then things go haywire. Just my opinion and I know on a forum this size no one says anything that everyone agrees with.

I agree I think it does happen fairly often. And it does make a certain. Amount of sense. If things work and everyone's happy fine. If it doesn't you're not really going to stop the enviable snowball anyway. Everyone has to live with their decisions.

The DADT thing giving me license is a real good question that I really cant answer without projecting on what I might have done because i did not have the opportunity to do it without the DADT. I did a lot more than a little casual sex, and it is funny but being a high end call girl was a fantasy I have had that I DID NOT do. I had the offer of a lot of money but obviously I had no attention of getting arrested.

Let me put it another way if you were forced to be open about all your adventures and sexapade would you have muted or changed them fearing some backlash or pain on husbands part ? High end call girl: from the description of you life arrest wouldn't have been the biggest threat but rather your husbands boss or one of the board members end up being a client. Wow the fireworks show from that would be something to watch.


He did not ask me for forever commitments. He said we will talk about how we both feel at the end of year, and that we needed to communicate openly and truthfully. He will not tolerate lying, which is why I have told him stuff i could have kept to myself. the genie in the bottle??? The genie only goes back in the bottle if I do it. This is on me just like the decision to agree was on him and he accepts that decision. I do not even think about the finances really. I will never have to work unless i wanted to no matter what happens.

And it sounds like he didn't give one either. It sounds like everyone gets a 4 month trial period and then. And yes it your responsibility to but the genie back in the bottle if you can or want to. As I said this is mostly on your end. He's in a wait and see mode.

i think the lesson that can be learned is what some here have said. Non monogamy of any format is hard as hell, but the mono-poly thing is a lot harder and personally I would not recommend it based on what has happened with me. But everyone has to do their own thing and live with it. There are no simple answers to any of this and no guarantees no matter how you plan or try. That is a fact.

I agree 100%. I've often thought that in this particular dynamic if you thought you had a great marriage and a highly thought out plan and watch and see how fast all of it turns to shit ( meaning plans ).

But as I said, I truly cannot imagine my husband coming home from work, kissing me good bye as I go out in my hottest outfit to meet a lover. I never had to do that and I never had to arrive home from another mans bed to greet him. Not even sure how I would feel without the detox period of a day.

I ran out time yesterday on this one ^

That's what the experts call true love :)
 
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Was that something in his own head or was it something to do with your attempt to make sure he was sexually satisfied as part of the grand bargain.
I really am not sure I understand this question about being in his own head, but to the second part, YES, I did always attempt to make him sexually satisfied. I always initiated sex before he left for trips and most times we had great sex until recently when it became just release for him and that was once of the red flags that got my attention. When he was home I tried to satisfy his every physical need. I do not know if that answers you question or not but i tried

I agree I think it does happen fairly often. And it does make a certain. Amount of sense. If things work and everyone's happy fine. If it doesn't you're not really going to stop the enviable snowball anyway. Everyone has to live with their decisions.
I agree with this. Quite honestly, Im not buying that MOST live happily ever after in this world of non monogamy. And I understand that is not the goal of everyone. My desire was to open my marriage but to not give up the PRIMARY goal and most important thing in my life other than my children and that is my husband. I saw someone posted a thread of heated debates about polyamory or non monogamy being a LIFESTYLE or an IDENTITY. For me, it is a lifestyle. I knew not a damm thing about polyamory for over forty years and I experienced it for a couple. I do not buy the WIRED for poly unless you have felt that way a long long time over many partners. Julst my opinion.



Let me put it another way if you were forced to be open about all your adventures and sexapade would you have muted or changed them fearing some backlash or pain on husbands part ? High end call girl: from the description of you life arrest wouldn't have been the biggest threat but rather your husbands boss or one of the board members end up being a client. Wow the fireworks show from that would be something to watch.

OK Dinged. On this one i get the feeling you are getting a little snarky but you asked a question that prompted my statement about fantasies. I also had a fantasy that if i was single and in my 20's I'd do a porn. Not all fantasies are meant to be acted upon. Guess you have never had any at all that remain fantasies. And lastly on this one not sure what you mean about my description of my life. Should i apologize for having married a man from a blue collar family who could not have paid for college without a football scholarship who has worked his ass off, sacrificed his ass off, and now reaps the rewards of all that hard work. The comment is kind of insulting and if I misinterpreted it I apologize.
Back to the question. If i was "forced" as you say to reveal everything, i would NOT lie to my husband. He married me knowing form our college days that I was no pure angel and he also knows after being married for so many years what my fantasies or a lot of them were. i do not think he would be devastated. He has NOT asked for sexual details but if he asks I tell. i am wrestling now with whether or not to delete all my private e mail accounts or just hold them in case he asks.



And it sounds like he didn't give one either. It sounds like everyone gets a 4 month trial period and then. And yes it your responsibility to but the genie back in the bottle if you can or want to. As I said this is mostly on your end. He's in a wait and see mode.

Maybe I did not make it clear. I did not get ultimatums. But why shouldn't he be in wait and see mode. If i am not making a FOREVER commitment, should he/??

I agree 100%. I've often thought that in this particular dynamic if you thought you had a great marriage and a highly thought out plan and watch and see how fast all of it turns to shit ( meaning plans ).

I see a lot of plans well thought out and not so well thought out on here turning to shit. Thats because none of us can predict the future with certainty. If turning to shit means destroying a relationship, all the books on non monogamy point that possibility out as a distinct possibility. its how you react when it starts to turn to shit that helps to determine the outcome.

I ran out time yesterday on this one ^

That's what the experts call true love :)


Not sure what this means
 
Dinged,
I was not on the verge of losing him if that means next week. But he was slipping away emotionally from me, and he admitted I was off the pedastal, that our sex was not as special as it had been to him. no, he was not concerned about ME leaving him. He told me if it is what I need to be happy than that is what I need to do. And if I made that choice, he would be 'single' only as long as he wanted to be. He is not a self esteem basket case over this.
Was that something in his own head or was it something to do with your attempt to make sure he was sexually satisfied as part of the grand bargain.


As far as hubby looking out for my needs, and agreeing simply because of that. not sure i buy that one. I was pretty persistent, was turned down a couple of times but kept at it. I think I in essence wore him down. I actually think that happens fairly often. That is why most of the stuff i have read on non mono marriages says both partners have to be all in for best chance of success. I think too many of us get so determined to get our way that we miss the signs that partner is not all in and then things go haywire. Just my opinion and I know on a forum this size no one says anything that everyone agrees with.
I agree I think it does happen fairly often. And it does make a certain. Amount of sense. If things work and everyone's happy fine. If it doesn't you're not really going to stop the enviable snowball anyway. Everyone has to live with their decisions.


The DADT thing giving me license is a real good question that I really cant answer without projecting on what I might have done because i did not have the opportunity to do it without the DADT. I did a lot more than a little casual sex, and it is funny but being a high end call girl was a fantasy I have had that I DID NOT do. I had the offer of a lot of money but obviously I had no attention of getting arrested.


Let me put it another way if you were forced to be open about all your adventures and sexapade would you have muted or changed them fearing some backlash or pain on husbands part ? High end call girl: from the description of you life arrest wouldn't have been the biggest threat but rather your husbands boss or one of the board members end up being a client. Wow the fireworks show from that would be something to watch.


He did not ask me for forever commitments. He said we will talk about how we both feel at the end of year, and that we needed to communicate openly and truthfully. He will not tolerate lying, which is why I have told him stuff i could have kept to myself. the genie in the bottle??? The genie only goes back in the bottle if I do it. This is on me just like the decision to agree was on him and he accepts that decision. I do not even think about the finances really. I will never have to work unless i wanted to no matter what happens.

And it sounds like he didn't give one either. It sounds like everyone gets a 4 month trial period and then. And yes it your responsibility to but the genie back in the bottle if you can or want to. As I said this is mostly on your end. He's in a wait and see mode.

i think the lesson that can be learned is what some here have said. Non monogamy of any format is hard as hell, but the mono-poly thing is a lot harder and personally I would not recommend it based on what has happened with me. But everyone has to do their own thing and live with it. There are no simple answers to any of this and no guarantees no matter how you plan or try. That is a fact.

I agree 100%. I've often thought that in this particular dynamic if you thought you had a great marriage and a highly thought out plan and watch and see how fast all of it turns to shit ( meaning plans ).

To me the above represents the normal back and forth discussion that are typical on this forum.:) there's too much to know which or what you dont understand.


I truly cannot imagine my husband coming home from work, kissing me good bye as I go out in my hottest outfit to meet a lover. I never had to do that and I never had to arrive home from another mans bed to greet him. Not even sure how I would feel without the detox period of a day.

That's what the experts call true love


This ^ was my lighthearted attempt at humor
 
UPDATE

Well, not that anyone is that interested, but I thought I would update where I am at in my marriage.
Been living the mono life for a few months now, and I am not miserable. Yes there have been moments when I missed the freedom to act on my hormones, but I am still very early in repair mode of my marriage. I truly did not recognize how much damage I did.

My husband is now in his ivory tower job, home every night, although sometimes quite late and for the first time in many years we are together at night all the time. I believe the loneliness was a major contributing factor in my jump into non monogamy. I still call it that because I am not poly wired, never wanted to or had any intention of being in 'LOVE" with anyone but my husband, and am glad I did not have to "grieve' any lover while trying to fix things.

My major hurdle is doing everything I can to rekindle my husbands love for me, not just his physical attraction, which never really waned. But in very painful discussions he has told me right now he does not know if he can ever love me like he did. Does not means he wants to divorce.

Speaking of divorce, he did provide me with a detailed offer of what the lawyers said i would be entitled to, and encouraged me to go to an attorney to see if it jived with his belief. I did not do that because Im not interested in a divorce, and I know this man and my bet is he would offer me more than I am entitled to.

So now I am a 50 year old former party girl back to being Mrs. Corporate Wife to the fullest. I am happy with my choice. My family is intact, my kids ,who would have disowned me, love and adore me still, and my plan is to enjoy the unbelievable life my husband provides for us. Guess that is pretty boring to be on this forum.

For those about to take the plunge, my advice would be to make sure you know the pitfalls as well as the "fun" parts. I think a lot of folks have no clue.
And i believe it is very sad that some on here are almost destroyed by being coerced into agreeing to something that tears you up.

No one knows what the future will hold. Hero and I talk all the time. He wants me happy, but to him happy is mono. End of story for him. We have agreed to talk about non monogamy again at year end but until then our goal is to try to rebuild what we had. I love him, thats all I care about now.

i may stick around and chime in once in a while, but best to everyone and thanks to those who reached out to me.
 
Hi again! :)

It's great to hear an update from you. I'm glad things in your relationship are repairing. The hole in Hero's heart can be mended. Affair recovery says it can take 2-3 years to do so, but what you had wasn't quite an affair? So maybe less? Then again, he did allow you multiple lovers out of the love of his heart and it may be he sees that the rules you broke to be more cruel than an affair? I'm not him so I don't know. From the way you've described Hero, I feel there's a lot I could learn from him.

Just wanted to make sure you know that when he says he doesn't feel he can ever love you the way he did... maybe he can. Affair recovery resources say it's possible, even probable.

Best of luck, and looking forward to another update in a few months,
Shaya
 
Hi sexyserb,

Thanks for that update. I think it is great that things are improving in your marriage. I'm sure it will take some time for things to get back to where they were. Hang in there.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hi SS,

I missed this thread when you first started it, just completed reading it.

I am glad you held on to your Hero and he accepted you back on a trial basis, despite you breaking some of the ground rules of your DADT.

Personally, I think an open marriage is a perfect solution to couples who are separated for weeks or months at a time. When people go from being together every day, to a LDR because of school, employment, military deployment, or other reasons, I would think going without physical touch and sex would be very hard. I am sure many/most people cheat. I think you made a more ethical choice!

I wanted to address this comment of yours. I want to provide a balancing viewpoint.

... Non monogamy of any format is hard as hell, but the mono-poly thing is a lot harder, and personally I would not recommend it, based on what has happened with me. But everyone has to do their own thing and live with it. There are no simple answers to any of this, and no guarantees no matter how you plan or try...

Despite your experience, and the experiences of others who post here in dire straits, non-monogamy and mono/poly is not necessarily "hard as hell."

Some people experience monogamous marriage to be hard as hell. Especially if they are poly at heart, as I was, while living mono with my ex husband for over 30 years.

Some people go into the poly life as single people, and they seek poly partners, or monos who are completely poly friendly. This was my situation after my ex h and I separated. The partner I found soon after I became single has been poly her whole life. So relaxing into living poly was heavenly, for both of us. She and I have created a nest of safety and comfort, to which we return after our other dating adventures, both great and not so great.

Yes, she and I have had ups and downs in finding, dating and creating relationships with other partners, but dating is hard for everyone... It's not the fault of poly. I've had several satisfying relationships lasting 7 months to 2 1/2 years (in 9 years of living poly), some of which ended amicably for reasons other than poly issues. Many just ran their course. Others ended because people moved away. I've come to realise, many loving relationships, and marriages, like friendships, come with no guarantee to last forever. It doesn't mean they are failed relationships. You enjoy them while you have them, and you learn from them, and if they end... you have good memories (hopefully) to enjoy the rest of your life.

There are several members here who are the hinge in a V, with 2 mono partners, or more. There is an interesting and rich wide range here to read about of how poly people have created their own happiness and satisfaction.

Yes, there are plenty of people posting with problems. This is a problem solving board. Many of the happy poly people, unfortunately, do not post about their boringly happy lives. They are just living, going about their business, going to work, raising kids and caring for other family, etc., as any mono couple might do.

Anyway, I wish you well! Don't worry about how you might come across as "boring" if you would like to journal about repairing your marriage after your open marriage experiment. You're not writing to entertain us, surely! You can start a blog for your own benefit, to share and clarify your thoughts as you heal your marriage. Some people here do go mono after living poly for a while, and they do post in the journal section. It helps others who have decided polyamory isn't for them, after all.
 
I feel the need to highlight a few gems of wisdom --
non-monogamy and mono/poly is not necessarily "hard as hell." Some people experience monogamous marriage to be hard as hell.

dating is hard for everyone... It's not the fault of poly.

Many [relationships] just ran their course. Others ended because people moved away. I've come to realise, many loving relationships, and marriages, like friendships, come with no guarantee to last forever. It doesn't mean they are failed relationships. You enjoy them while you have them, and you learn from them

Many of the happy poly people do not post about their boringly happy lives. They are just living, going about their business, going to work, raising kids and caring for other family, etc., as any mono couple might do.
 
About that last. There's lots of people signed up to this site who visit only rarely or have fallen away entirely (right this moment, 173,339!!). Of them, there's a smaller group of "active members" (determined by regularity of visits) of 3,277. Yet regular posting participants number, what, maybe a hundred?

Back in the heyday of PMM, me & another member noted this phenomenon, & between us worked out a pretty good metric showing the "funnel": board signup, finding the Forums, reading the Forums, actively keeping up with the Forums, joining a thread, starting a thread, regularly participating. At the time, the first number was like 4,000 (it was still very new), & the last was ~40.

(At polyamory.com, unlike PMM, there's a Step Zero, because this board can be viewed without having an account. Also, most "members" showed up to PMM to cruise the user Profiles in hopes of scoring their HBB with no effort or cost, & many never even KNEW there was a Discussion area. :()

Anyway, I figure that there could easily be a thousand contented polyfolk who show up here just to read the updates & laugh at us. :D
 
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