Shaya
New member
Hi SexySerb,
Good to see you back! I've been wondering what happened. It sounds like a positive outcome and you're sounding more well rested now. Your husband sounds like a very understanding man and you sound very grateful to him for that. I'm sure he sees that and appreciates it. Well done.
I anticipate that the usefulness of this forum will disappear as you return to a monogamous life. You are totally welcome to use the blogs section to write about your journey back to monogamy. I have read several such blogs, but most tend to be short. I feel that the greatest strength of the people on this forum is obviously advice on polyamory, but because of the nature of polyamory, I feel the members here also excel in trying to do other things that society would consider unconventional, like acceptance of non standard gender identity (eg transgender), acceptance of non standard relationship identities (gay, lesbian), other non standard relationship models (long distance, swinging, group sex, relationship anarchy), non standard religiosity and perhaps a greater intellect. The downsides to ongoing engagement with a polyamory community whilst bound by monogamy is that the philosophies you adopt with your husband will be different from those on this forum. I feel that polyamory has more emphasis on autonomy whilst a healthy monogamy focuses more on the duality of the relationship and the concept of a "couple bubble". There's overlap of course, because healthy relationships, polyamory or monogamy, share many similar foundations.
I'm very impressed by your husband. I've never heard of someone taking in the kind of news you've given to him with such stoicism. I would love to meet someone like that in real life one day. I feel I could learn a lot from him. Having said that, if the reality of the situation starts to wear on him and he starts to ask more questions about your past, I would recommend telling the whole truth. There is the concept of "trickle truth", where the lies of the past are revealed slowly over a longer period than needed in such a way that it often hurts more than the events itself. Obviously, if he has no need to know and doesn't ask, then you don't tell. But if he needs to know, I feel this would be the correct time to come clean. I feel it would help build trust and honesty again, and I suspect anything that helps build trust will go a long way in proving to him that you can do monogamy again. Your accountability plan will also help in doing this.
Good luck, SexySerb. Life in the Ivory tower will not be dull,
Shaya.
P.S On Anamikanon's sidenote, recovery from a DADT gone wrong looks like affair recovery because of the broken boundaries. Affair is monogamy's broken boundary. The issues around trust, lies and healing are the same.
Good to see you back! I've been wondering what happened. It sounds like a positive outcome and you're sounding more well rested now. Your husband sounds like a very understanding man and you sound very grateful to him for that. I'm sure he sees that and appreciates it. Well done.
I anticipate that the usefulness of this forum will disappear as you return to a monogamous life. You are totally welcome to use the blogs section to write about your journey back to monogamy. I have read several such blogs, but most tend to be short. I feel that the greatest strength of the people on this forum is obviously advice on polyamory, but because of the nature of polyamory, I feel the members here also excel in trying to do other things that society would consider unconventional, like acceptance of non standard gender identity (eg transgender), acceptance of non standard relationship identities (gay, lesbian), other non standard relationship models (long distance, swinging, group sex, relationship anarchy), non standard religiosity and perhaps a greater intellect. The downsides to ongoing engagement with a polyamory community whilst bound by monogamy is that the philosophies you adopt with your husband will be different from those on this forum. I feel that polyamory has more emphasis on autonomy whilst a healthy monogamy focuses more on the duality of the relationship and the concept of a "couple bubble". There's overlap of course, because healthy relationships, polyamory or monogamy, share many similar foundations.
I'm very impressed by your husband. I've never heard of someone taking in the kind of news you've given to him with such stoicism. I would love to meet someone like that in real life one day. I feel I could learn a lot from him. Having said that, if the reality of the situation starts to wear on him and he starts to ask more questions about your past, I would recommend telling the whole truth. There is the concept of "trickle truth", where the lies of the past are revealed slowly over a longer period than needed in such a way that it often hurts more than the events itself. Obviously, if he has no need to know and doesn't ask, then you don't tell. But if he needs to know, I feel this would be the correct time to come clean. I feel it would help build trust and honesty again, and I suspect anything that helps build trust will go a long way in proving to him that you can do monogamy again. Your accountability plan will also help in doing this.
Good luck, SexySerb. Life in the Ivory tower will not be dull,
Shaya.
P.S On Anamikanon's sidenote, recovery from a DADT gone wrong looks like affair recovery because of the broken boundaries. Affair is monogamy's broken boundary. The issues around trust, lies and healing are the same.