I need advice on opening my marriage

S

Snailtape

New member
Hi everyone. I’m new here. I’m not sure if this is the right place to post, so feel free to delete if needs be.

My wife has recently told me about her interest in opening our marriage to other people sexually. She says it’s something that has always been in the back of her mind, but recently it has become quite strong. Our sexual life is okay, but she says she’s not as aroused by the idea of just the two of us as she used to be.

I’ve never really considered opening our marriage before, and to be honest, I’m quite skeptical, as the idea of her having sexual experiences with other men makes me anxious and jealous, and makes me feel somewhat replaced, and that I’m not good enough for her. She’s assured me that it’s nothing to do with me, and that it’s purely a sexual desire that she would like to explore.

We have had some difficult conversations on the topic lately, and our relationship has suffered quite a bit from it, because I tend to take it quite personally. It just brings me down to think that I may not be good enough for her.

I’m wondering if anyone here has gone through similar issues, and if so, how did you get through it? I would like to get to a stage where I’m comfortable with it, and it doesn’t personally affect me, or bring me down in the way it does at the moment.

Any advice or help is appreciated. Thank you.
 
The specific issue you are dealing with is related to exclusivity. We are taught that love is about finding the One! This is the person who meets all your romantic and sexual needs, so that you won't think about other partners. It's a myth. I'm not saying it's a deliberate lie. The people who say it think it's true. But it isn't. This puts a LOT of strain on marriages in particular. What if you do think about other people? Does that mean your partner isn't enough? What if you want to actually DO things (intimate things) with others? How is your partner failing you?

We internalize this messaging, and that's what you are experiencing. I'm sorry that it's hard on you. I get it. I've been there, in fact. Also, as a poly person, my girlfriend's other partner is dealing with it right now. Why does she want such experiences with me? Is he not good enough? Can he handle that she gets such things from me, too?

Here's the thing, though. If you shift your thinking a little bit, you will see why this isn't true. I'm guessing your wife has friends that she does things with, including things you either aren't interested in doing or things you do together too. In the first case, you see this as great! She has someone else she can do this thing with, one of her friends. In the second, I don't know how you feel. You might feel envious, but even if you do, you understand that this is pretty normal stuff. Your wife might see a movie with a friend instead of you, or go to that restaurant you both like.

In truth, intimacy is pretty much the same thing. It's absolutely possible to do intimate things with more than one person and enjoy them in different ways without ranking them. I'm guessing you have had sex with someone else before you met your wife. Do you constantly compare them? Do you constantly rank them? Probably not. It's possible that there is someone in your past you think of as 'the best sex!'. But even then, it doesn't mean you don't enjoy sex and intimacy with your wife.

We can have positive experiences with more than one person. It doesn't mean we are replacing them. Internalize THAT. My wife is beautiful and sexy. So is my girlfriend. They are different. I don't need to compare them. I can enjoy both. I can go visit another city with either one. I can go to a movie or dinner with either one. Often, I miss the other one when she isn't around, but I'm still fully present with the person I'm with. You can have sex with more than one person. You can love more than one person. You can do all that without ranking/replacing.

All that said, it's possible (likely even) that if you do this, your wife will experience what is known as New Relationship Energy (NRE). This is natural and hormonal. It's evolution at work. But we are humans, and we can manage it if we know it's coming. You and your wife should read books like Opening Up and Polysecure to understand what you need to do if you go this route. It will prepare you. It can't completely eliminate these feelings (my gf's partner DID read these books, and yet....). But it helps a lot.

The other thing you need to do is get secure with yourself. You ARE enough for your partner. That's why she's with you. It's 2023. She could divorce you if she just didn't like you anymore or felt unfulfilled. I guess it's possible she's lying that you are enough, but let's say that's true. Then what? You love her, right? Do you want her to have the best life? Can you accept that her best life might not be with you? Answering yes to that isn't easy, but can also help. I don't think it's necessary for poly to work, but it definitely helps.

Anyway,. this post is really long already. Let me know if you have questions.
 
Hello Snailtape,
As far as jealousy goes, I have some links that may help:
Other than that, there is a good article that you may want to read, it is called, "Are You in Poly Hell?" It describes a situation you may find yourself in, if your wife treats you badly perhaps without realizing it. Anyway, education is your best tool for this job, so keep on reading and posting.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
The days when your partner "drops the poly bomb" can hit you hard. This idea may seem to come out of the blue. You feel like you've been punched in the stomach. "Who is this person?" this partner you thought you knew and understood?

I also highly recommend the books OpenBook recommended. Read around this board too. Thousands of people here over the years have gone through exactly what you're going through.

Here are just a couple of specific notes to address your first concerns:

Communicate openly, deeply and often. Find out why your wife wants to open. Is your sex life unfulfilling, infrequent, unimaginative? Are you just phoning it in? You can spice things up between you. There is tons of advice if you just Google how to make married sex more enjoyable. Married people can start to take each other for granted. Or the children may be so demanding, you get too exhausted for sex. Or you forget to keep dating each other and just flop down at the end of the day looking at different screens. Don't forget to plan special dates, go new places, try new activities together, just as if you were first dating. This kind of fun should lead to more bonding, romance and sex.

Has your wife only ever had sex with you? Many people are raised in conservative families or microcultures, in evangelical Christianity or other fundamentalist religions/sects/cults, where young people are brainwashed to save their sex for marriage. This is especially true for women, in our patriarchal culture. Maybe she's just curious what's out there. (If she did have sex with a few other men and learn some new tricks, this could benefit you, believe it or not.)

Caution: many people who open "just for sex" often/usually develop feelings for a new partner. Sex and love go hand in hand. Or even if it's not tried and true love, it can feel that way, because they are infatuated and full of lust and idealizing their partner. So don't be naive and think she will be able to separate her lust and curiosity from love, or fond feelings at least.
 
Welcome. I'm sorry you are struggling.

You sound like you were caught by surprise, like a bomb dropped from the sky. Is it the polyamory bomb, where she wants to share both sex and romance with a new partner? Or is it the ENM bomb (ethical non-monogamy) where she wants to share only casual-sex encounters? What's her plan if she catches feelings for someone? Dump them? Change to poly?

Or does she want both polyamory and ENM?

Anything else she wants to explore? Kink, swinging, other stuff?

You might consider talking to a counselor experienced in non-monogamy -- individual and/or couples counseling.

Try not to wig out. She's being honest with you, her spouse. How else would you want her to be? Do your best to be honest back. It's ok to say you need some time to sit with this news, and don't want to just jump into things blind or make rash decisions.

Remember, she's asking if you are up for changing the deal. It's ok if you are NOT.

If you signed up for another kind of deal when you got married, like monogamy? There's nothing wrong with wanting monogamy.

If she wants to end that deal and not do monogamy any more, you can't force her to stay. You both end the old deal, then figure out what the next chapter looks like -- together or apart.

You are NOT obligated to sign up for some new deal as your next chapter. You could contemplate it, do all your considerations. But considering is not "Yes." It's considering. And you could end up considering and still decide it is not for you. Your next chapter could be separate from her next chapter.

You don't have to do it together.

You could also say "Nope, I'm not up for considering. I already know I don't want that. I like monogamy."

I suggest you slow your roll, educate yourselves, and figure out where you land.
  • Stay married, stick with monogamy
  • Stay married, end the monogamy chapter and move on to practice _____. (ENM, polyamory, other things, etc)
  • Stay married, do some kind of mono/open, where you have the option, but choose not to date others, and she has the option, and chooses date others, or vice versa.
  • Stay married, both sides open to dating others for poly, ENM, whatever it is.
  • Divorce, end the monogamy chapter and move on to practice _____ together. (ENM, polyamory, other things in combo, etc)
  • Divorce, do some kind of mono/open. Where you have the option there, but you choose not to date others. And she has the option there and she chooses date others. Or vice versa.
  • Divorce, be plain exes.
  • Divorce, be plain exes first for a time, then change again to exes and friends
  • Whatever the marital status, you sort out the emergency plan for a divorce or unexpected illness, accident, or death of self/spouse if you haven't already. (Wills, medical power of attorney, etc) Because having a plan already made alleviates some stress. Nobody likes hitting the unexpected and then scrambling to make the plan.
  • Something else I cannot think of right now.
YMMV, but here's the poly professional directory.

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory
www.polyfriendly.org

Make sure you ask if the potential counselor is familiar with


and Polyamory: A Clinical Toolkit for Therapists (and Their Clients)
We have had some difficult conversations on the topic lately, and our relationship has suffered quite a bit from it, because I tend to take it quite personally - it just brings me down to think that I may not be good enough for her.
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You might be a good enough you. But if she wants more partners, you can't turn yourself into more people. You are not enough partners for her.

I’m wondering if anyone here has gone through similar issues, and if so, how did you get through it? I would like to get to a stage where I’m comfortable with it, and that it doesn’t personally affect me or bring me down in the way that it does at the moment.
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Why do you have to get comfortable with it? It's fine if you are excited about it and want to go there for your own self. But if you are "trying to get good with it" just to hang onto her, or avoid thinking about a break-up. or because it's scary to tell her "No, I don't want that"... I suggest taking a time out to do your soul searching. Nothing has to be decided TODAY, or even this week or month.

I definitely don't suggest bending yourself into pretzels.

You need to be able to say, "I love you a lot. But no, not even for you will I do things I don't really want or things that hurt me."

For sure, don't make any big decisions right now, when you are surprised, maybe shocked, and possibly grieving some things.

Some couples take more than a year to think things out. You take whatever time you need.

Galagirl
 
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Hi snailtape and welcome to the forum.

Just to get a clearer picture, how long have you been married? Do you have kids?

Outside of your wife’s desire to open, what kind of planning or research has she done on this topic? The idea or fantasy of keeping things only physical is just that, a fantasy.

It's completely normal to take being poly-bombed personal … because it is. It's extremely personal.

I think motivations and expectations are very important. I’d discuss what hers are and then take some time to figure out if those align with yours. Trust your gut.
 
dingedheart said:
Hi snailtape and welcome to the forum.

Just to get a clearer picture, how long have you been married? Do you have kids?

Outside of your wife’s desire to open, what kind of planning or research has she done on this topic? The idea or fantasy of keeping things only physical is just that, a fantasy.

It's completely normal to take being poly-bombed personal … because it is. It's extremely personal.

I think motivations and expectations are very important. I’d discuss what hers are and then take some time to figure out if those align with yours. Trust your gut.
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Hi dingheart,

Thanks for your reply. We’ve been together for 8 years, married for two. We have two kids under 5.

My wife has listened to podcasts, has read some articles, forums, etc.

I really appreciate what you’re saying, as I know that in my gut I want to be monogamous. But at the same time I don’t want her to resent me or to feel unfulfilled for the rest of our married life, just because I denied her that option. And I just can’t imagine us not being together.

I hope that it’s maybe just a phase, as she has just started to explore herself recently after being a full-on mom, giving away her body for 4 years to small kids. She’s only now starting to make friends again and hang out outside of the household and I feel like she’s maybe just thinking about all the different options out there, almost like a kid in a candy shop. (I don’t mean to sound condescending by saying this, but maybe I am!)

Thank you for your answer, much appreciated.
 
Thank you everyone for the replies, it’s all extremely helpful. After reading what you guys are saying, I realise that I’m probably just trying to keep her happy, even though I know deep inside that I just don’t really want this, and I’m happy being monogamous.

My wife has just started to explore herself and take her life in her own hands so to speak, as she has been a full-on mom for the last 4 years, giving her body and life to our 2 little boys. She’s only now starting to make friends again and hang out with them outside of the household, and I feel like she’s just thinking of all the options out there now that she’s on this journey to find herself. A part of me hopes that once she is more comfortable in her own skin, and has had enough new platonic experiences with friends and acquaintances, spent enough time away from me and the kids, she might realise that she doesn’t actually need other sexual or romantic partners. But that may just be wishful thinking.

I guess I just have to give her the space she needs right now to explore herself, while keeping boundaries so as to not get myself hurt.

Thanks again for your replies! You come imagine how helpful it is, as I am going through a really difficult time mentally, trying to deal with all of this.
 
Snailtape said:
Thank you everyone for the replies, it’s all extremely helpful. After reading what you guys are saying, I realise that I’m probably just trying to keep her happy, even though I know deep inside that I just don’t really want this, and I’m happy being monogamous.

My wife has just started to explore herself and take her life in her own hands so to speak, as she has been a full-on mom for the last 4 years, giving her body and life to our 2 little boys. She’s only now starting to make friends again and hang out with them outside of the household, and I feel like she’s just thinking of all the options out there now that she’s on this journey to find herself. A part of me hopes that once she is more comfortable in her own skin, and has had enough new platonic experiences with friends and acquaintances, spent enough time away from me and the kids, she might realise that she doesn’t actually need other sexual or romantic partners. But that may just be wishful thinking.

I guess I just have to give her the space she needs right now to explore herself, while keeping boundaries so as to not get myself hurt.

Thanks again for your replies! You come imagine how helpful it is, as I am going through a really difficult time mentally, trying to deal with all of this.
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Many women can relate to mom burn out, and the need to do more for ourselves once the intensive parenting phase has started to ease a little bit.

As I said above, make sure you make the effort to date her, and pamper her. Maybe you can hire a babysitter once a week and go out on a nice date. It doesn't have to be expensive. A walk in the woods, a picnic in a park. Go see the Barbie movie. (Bring you own snacks because, omg they are expensive. $20 for a large popcorn and 2 bottles of water!)

After all, she can have excitement and a change with you too. It doesn't have to be with other men. I see I was right about what a toll having kids can take on a marriage. When my ex h and I had 3 kids in 5 years, I went through this too. I didn't like to leave our kids with a teen sitter when they were much under five years old, as I wanted them to be verbal enough to tell me how the sitter treated them, if she was new. But by the time all of them were 5 years and up, we had a good teen sitter we could rely on, and we also could leave them with both sets of grandparents, or an aunt for up to a week too. (All our extended family lived a couple hundred miles away, so we did this only 1-3 times a year, but it made a great difference.)

Now, all that said, your wife may really be poly. I am and I was back when my kids were little too. Unlike your wife, even when they got out of diapers and slept through the night, etc., I still didn't have the emotional bandwidth to take on a poly partner. However, maybe your wife isn't poly at all. Maybe she does love you deeply, and loves the kids, and really does only have a sexual itch to scratch. Time will tell.

Be open. Let her talk about whom she finds attractive. Don't blow up or fall into the depths of jealousy. See if you can relate at all. Surely you see attractive people on the street every day too. Maybe you can both just learn to share your thoughts about the beauty of others. Maybe you can add fantasies about others to your own sex life, or watch porn together.

It is key for you and her to find balance though. Some women will actually start to neglect the kids and house when they fall into the "kid in a candy store" mindset.

I don't know if these idea help. Many of them can be found in the recommended books above.
 
Magdlyn said:
Many women can relate to mom burn out, and the need to do more for ourselves once the intensive parenting phase has started to ease a little bit.

As I said above, make sure you make the effort to date her, and pamper her. Maybe you can hire a babysitter once a week and go out on a nice date. It doesn't have to be expensive. A walk in the woods, a picnic in a park. Go see the Barbie movie. (Bring you own snacks because, omg they are expensive. $20 for a large popcorn and 2 bottles of water!)

After all, she can have excitement and a change with you too. It doesn't have to be with other men. I see I was right about what a toll having kids can take on a marriage. When my ex h and I had 3 kids in 5 years, I went through this too. I didn't like to leave our kids with a teen sitter when they were much under five years old, as I wanted them to be verbal enough to tell me how the sitter treated them, if she was new. But by the time all of them were 5 years and up, we had a good teen sitter we could rely on, and we also could leave them with both sets of grandparents, or an aunt for up to a week too. (All our extended family lived a couple hundred miles away, so we did this only 1-3 times a year, but it made a great difference.)

Now, all that said, your wife may really be poly. I am and I was back when my kids were little too. Unlike your wife, even when they got out of diapers and slept through the night, etc., I still didn't have the emotional bandwidth to take on a poly partner. However, maybe your wife isn't poly at all. Maybe she does love you deeply, and loves the kids, and really does only have a sexual itch to scratch. Time will tell.

Be open. Let her talk about whom she finds attractive. Don't blow up or fall into the depths of jealousy. See if you can relate at all. Surely you see attractive people on the street every day too. Maybe you can both just learn to share your thoughts about the beauty of others. Maybe you can add fantasies about others to your own sex life, or watch porn together.

It is key for you and her to find balance though. Some women will actually start to neglect the kids and house when they fall into the "kid in a candy store" mindset.

I don't know if these idea help. Many of them can be found in the recommended books above.
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Thanks for that. Yes, she has indeed started to have a hard time with the kids lately, while she was always the most amazing mom up until now (she still is of course, but just going through something). Maybe it’s a similar feeling she has towards me, as she maybe attaches the idea of “husband” with “family”,”household”,”kids”, and because she’s currently needing some space from all of this, I end up suffering from it too.

Anyway, I think I need a therapist haha! But all of these answers and comments have truly helped to put all of this into context, so thank you.
 
I really appreciate what you’re saying, as I know that in my gut I want to be monogamous. But at the same time I don’t want her to resent me or to feel unfulfilled for the rest of our married life, just because I denied her that option. And I just can’t imagine us not being together.
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Does she know all this?

Be honest with your spouse.

And realize you are thinking wonky right now. Because surprise/grief and all that.

You seem clearer on stating firmly that you want monogamy. At least on here.

With that info? Then the options become...

  • Stay married, stick with monogamy
  • Stay married, end the monogamy chapter and move on to practice _____. (ENM, polyamory, other things, etc)
  • Stay married, do some kind of mono/open. Where you have the option there, but you choose not to date others. And she has the option there and she chooses date others. Or vice versa.
  • Stay married, both sides open to dating others for poly, ENM, whatever it is.
  • Divorce, end the monogamy chapter and move on to practice _____ together. (ENM, polyamory, other things in combo, etc)
  • Divorce, do some kind of mono/open. Where you have the option there, but you choose not to date others. And she has the option there and she chooses date others. Or vice versa.
  • Trial separation.
  • Divorce, be plain exes.
  • Divorce, be plain exes first for a time, then change again to exes and friends
  • Whatever the marital status, you sort out the emergency plan for a divorce or unexpected illness, accident, or death of self/spouse if you haven't already. (Wills, medical power of attorney, etc) Because having a plan already made alleviates some stress. Nobody likes hitting the unexpected and then scrambling to make the plan.
  • Something else I cannot think of right now.
I forgot last time but remembered now so added "trial separation."

But at the same time I don’t want her to resent me or to feel unfulfilled for the rest of our married life, just because I denied her that option. And I just can’t imagine us not being together.
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You aren't denying her the option to do poly. She can ask for trial separation and explore it then. She could choose to break up and move on to explore it on her own.

You are saying YOU don't want any poly for you. So no. She cannot go explore poly with you in her poly network. And that is reasonable and fair because YOU get to decide what you will and will not participate in.

Her resenting you because you get to have your own choices for your own self? Same as she gets to have her own choices for her own self? That would be misplaced. You haven't treated her unfairly by saying "No, poly is not for me."

If you have spent the last 8 years together? Of course it's hard to imagine living life NOT together. That's normal. Go easier on you.

My wife has recently told me about her interest in opening our marriage to other people sexually. She says it’s something that has always been in the back of her mind, but recently has really become quite strong.
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If she felt this way during the engagement period and did not bring it up? In keeping that hidden, she treated her own self poorly and you poorly.

If she didn't know til after marriage? Ok. Unfortunate, and people do change over time.

But "always been in the back of her mind" going in and then she didn't disclose during the engagement period ? The time when people are supposed to be doing deep reflection, deep talks, and assess deep compatibility? Why was this left out?

She has some kind of shame thing?

I strongly encourage you both to think about couple counseling.

If she's got a shame thing and you have a fear thing... even if you stay together married, this is still stuff y'all need to sort out.


I hope that it’s maybe just a phase, as she has just started to explore herself recently after being a full-on mom, giving away her body for 4 years to small kids. She’s only now starting to make friends again and hang out outside of the household and I feel like she’s maybe just thinking about all the different options out there, almost like a kid in a candy shop. (I don’t mean to sound condescending by saying this, but maybe I am!)
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Wow, only now? Why the self neglect?

I hope you and her have continued to date through early childhood. And aren't just taking turns with the childcare and all run down exhausted.

Attend to all the dimensions of wellness for yourselves. Social wellness is one of them.

I'm out of that stage now but I remember DH and I would both get 2 nights off. To stay home and sleep or hobby, or go out alone, or go out with friends, just NOT being the "parent on call." Friday was date night for us -- and for a long time it was put kids to bed and stay up late to do "in house" dates.

Weekends were family. And we made friends our own age with kiddies too so we could trade babysitting once trust was built. We'd watch their kids, sometimes overnight. They'd return the favor. Took advantage of free "Parent night out" programs a few times. When they hit school, we could use the school time for babysitter and have day dates on shared days off.

During my SAHM years, I went to all the things -- story time at the library, baby swim class, play groups, parent support group. I figured out my favs and made them a regular part of my week for my mental health/social wellness. I need to have grown ups to talk to. It gets too isolating in the early childhood years for a stay at home parent. Ad the babies/toddlers grew, it was also about socializing them and teaching them to behave in different spaces like not running around touching everything in the store.

I was doing it when the first was 6 mos old and finally allowed in the infant class! Baby swim class was a big priority with all the bodies of water here. Babies need to know how to at least roll over and float so they can breathe while waiting for someone to fish them out if they accidentally fall in.

Do consider a counselor.

Do address your fear of a break up. It's not FUN. But if you know deep down you want monogamy? Be honest about that. Maybe the last set of bullet points in this article is something you want to talk to with a counselor first to help you get your thoughts in order.

  • Is this the right relationship for you in your life now, or was it only right in the past?
  • Are you staying in because this feels good, or because this feels familiar?
  • Are you afraid of change in your life or of being alone or single? Is this relationship keeping you from needed change or growth?
  • Do you feel like letting go means you failed? Are you staying to try and prove something to yourself or someone else?
  • Are you staying because you feel guilty about having been sexual in something other than a lifelong relationship?
  • Are you choosing to stay because you've become a partner's caretaker or counselor rather than their partner?
  • Are you staying because any relationship seems better than no relationship, or because you're afraid this is the only chance you'll have for this kind of relationship?
  • Are you staying because it's what the other person wants or says they need, even if it's not what you want and need?
  • Are you staying because you made some kind of promise that you know you can't keep or don't want to, but feel guilty about breaking?
  • Are you staying in figuring you'll just wait and see if something better comes along, and stay if it doesn't?


Be honest with self about the need to part ways and change to divorced coparenting family if it comes down to that. Because you do not WANT to break up, but you want monogamy. And if she really does want polyamory? It cannot be with you.

Because it cannot come at the cost of you subsuming yourself to the relationship. And doing poly that you don't really want to be doing? Just to be a people pleaser or avoid thinking/talking about a break up because it scares you? That's not you looking out for your long term health and well being.

That's like taking the long way around just to come back to square 1 of "We want different things." It can do a lot of damage to self, each other, and whatever post divorce coparenting relationship you have to have.

Slow your roll, digest this news.

You do not have to have all the answers right this minute.

But do not make any big life changing decisions while impaired.

Seek professional help if you can avail yourself.

Galagirl
 
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I don't think you necessarily need to agree to open up your marriage just because your wife wants to. If you aren't okay with it, you don't need to be.

However, it might be worth trying to reframe the concept of "not being enough" for your wife. Instead of making it about YOU (you not being enough/not good enough/etc), it might be worth thinking about a more nuanced understanding of your wife and HER sexuality.

Maybe she simply has a higher sex drive than you, more curiosity about different sexual experiences, more need for sexual variety, more desire for kinkier or "wilder" sex, more complex or adventurous sexual fantasies. None of that actually has anything to do with you--she would be who she is whether or not she had ever met you. Maybe she is simply more sexual than you, in the way that some people are more extroverted or more physically active or more energetic or more excited by change, or more artistic or more intellectual or whatever.

If you are less sexual than her in general, that doesn't make you LESS than her or inadequate in any way. Nor does it mean you aren't sexual at all or aren't sexual ENOUGH...it just means the nuances of your sexuality are different than hers.

I consider myself a pretty sexual person, but my partner is MUCH MORE sexual than me. He is naturally very non-monogamous sexually, craving variety and stimulation and adventure. He is MUCH MORE kinky than me (and I am not un-kinky). He is more extroverted, more energetic, more physical, craves more touching, and yes, has a MUCH higher sex drive than me (and mine isn't low at all).

It's useful for me to understand that he DOES need much more than me. Which in a non-monogamous relationship, is not a problem at all and has nothing to do with me personally. We have great sex, he is loving and appreciative of me, and in no way do I ever feel like an inadequate partner for him.

But he would certainly be miserable and resentful if he couldn't have sexual and emotional relationships with other people.

Your wife is probably not as extreme an example as my partner. But it might be worth thinking about the wide spectrum of human sexual behavior--the wide range of sex drives, sexual desires, sexual acts, etc, that people have and do. There are so many more nuances to sexuality than just whether someone is straight/bi/gay. Your wife's nuances are different than yours (because everyone's are different).

That doesn't mean the solution is an open marriage. A solution could be that your wife agrees to remain monogamous, but she is able to be more open with you about her sexual desires and fantasies (for example). And that both of you approach your marriage from a perspective of understanding that you have a difference or incompatibility around how each of you feel about sex.

An incompatibility can either be a deal-breaker or simply something that you work around, compromise about, or learn to understand and appreciate about each other.
 
MeeraReed said:
I don't think you necessarily need to agree to open up your marriage just because your wife wants to. If you aren't okay with it, you don't need to be.

However, it might be worth trying to reframe the concept of "not being enough" for your wife. Instead of making it about YOU (you not being enough/not good enough/etc), it might be worth thinking about a more nuanced understanding of your wife and HER sexuality.

Maybe she simply has a higher sex drive than you, more curiosity about different sexual experiences, more need for sexual variety, more desire for kinkier or "wilder" sex, more complex or adventurous sexual fantasies. None of that actually has anything to do with you--she would be who she is whether or not she had ever met you. Maybe she is simply more sexual than you, in the way that some people are more extroverted or more physically active or more energetic or more excited by change, or more artistic or more intellectual or whatever.

If you are less sexual than her in general, that doesn't make you LESS than her or inadequate in any way. Nor does it mean you aren't sexual at all or aren't sexual ENOUGH...it just means the nuances of your sexuality are different than hers.

I consider myself a pretty sexual person, but my partner is MUCH MORE sexual than me. He is naturally very non-monogamous sexually, craving variety and stimulation and adventure. He is MUCH MORE kinky than me (and I am not un-kinky). He is more extroverted, more energetic, more physical, craves more touching, and yes, has a MUCH higher sex drive than me (and mine isn't low at all).

It's useful for me to understand that he DOES need much more than me. Which in a non-monogamous relationship, is not a problem at all and has nothing to do with me personally. We have great sex, he is loving and appreciative of me, and in no way do I ever feel like an inadequate partner for him.

But he would certainly be miserable and resentful if he couldn't have sexual and emotional relationships with other people.

Your wife is probably not as extreme an example as my partner. But it might be worth thinking about the wide spectrum of human sexual behavior--the wide range of sex drives, sexual desires, sexual acts, etc, that people have and do. There are so many more nuances to sexuality than just whether someone is straight/bi/gay. Your wife's nuances are different than yours (because everyone's are different).

That doesn't mean the solution is an open marriage. A solution could be that your wife agrees to remain monogamous, but she is able to be more open with you about her sexual desires and fantasies (for example). And that both of you approach your marriage from a perspective of understanding that you have a difference or incompatibility around how each of you feel about sex.

An incompatibility can either be a deal-breaker or simply something that you work around, compromise about, or learn to understand and appreciate about each other.
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This is all valid, but from his last post, I am questioning whether Snailtape's wife has a sex problem (not enough sex, not enough variety in sex partners) and isn't just suffering from mom burn-out. It's hard to tell, just getting Snail's POV.
 
“My wife has recently told me about her interest in opening our marriage to other people sexually. She says it’s something that has always been in the back of her mind, but recently has really become quite strong. Our sexual life is okay, but she says she’s not as aroused by the idea of just the two of us as she used to be.”

To me... Is this the first thought or fix to mom burn-out? When has that ever worked? It might work at curing mom burn-out, but it might not be too good for the marriage.

Also, somewhere in this thread, there was the suggestion/reminder to make sure to date her and pamper her. If she’s not aroused by the idea of him/us as she used to be, shouldn't this fall on her shoulders, to date her spouse?

IMO, this puts the poly-bombed person in weird competition with an unknown competitor to dial up his or her game, when the real goal is to escape from that reality all together. You can easily create situations where everyone is faking it out of fairness and deference to the effort, and him out of hanging on.

Also, is your wife completely fine with you dating other people, as well?
 
Snailtape said:
Hi everyone, I’m new here. I’m not sure if this is the right place to post, so feel free to delete if needs be.

My wife has recently told me about her interest in opening our marriage to other people sexually. She says it’s something that has always been in the back of her mind, but recently has really become quite strong. Our sexual life is okay, but she says she’s not as aroused by the idea of just the two of us as she used to be.

I’ve never really considered opening our marriage before, and to be honest, I’m quite skeptical, as the idea of her having sexual experiences with other men makes me anxious and jealous, and makes me feel somewhat replaced, and that I’m not good enough for her She’s assured me that it’s nothing to do with me, and that it’s purely a sexual desire that she would like to explore.

We have had some difficult conversations on the topic lately, and our relationship has suffered quite a bit from it, because I tend to take it quite personally - it just brings me down to think that I may not be good enough for her.

I’m wondering if anyone here has gone through similar issues, and if so, how did you get through it? I would like to get to a stage where I’m comfortable with it, and that it doesn’t personally affect me or bring me down in the way that it does at the moment.

Any advise or help is appreciated, thank you 😊
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Everything is temporary - Treat is as it can last forever, and always remember the truth of the matter.
 
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