I NEED HELP. I'M GOING NUTS. SIGIGHGHHHHH;:! [UPDATE]

sillypilby

sillypilby

New member
Okay so, like, I caught feelings for my boyfriend's boyfriend, and it's ruining my life. because I can't tell if I feel genuine attraction for him. I mean, I miss him a lot right now, since he's away for 1-2 weeks, but I also really love my boyfriend still. I am 100% sure I am in love with my boyfriend. But I am also having feelings for this other person while I am in a relationship. I feel real bad about since I hope it really isn't cheating or anything if I'm still in love with my boyfriend. But this feeling is eating me up and I'm ugh :0(

This guy told me he "loves me" before he went away. It was really out of nowhere and random, so I don't know what it means or what to do. I wasn't sure if it was in a friend way, since it was out of pocket. Usually friends don't say that, and we aren't that close yet, I don't think. We've just started talking again.

What do I do?

‼️ UPDATE: My boyfriend and I talked it out. I just had trouble figuring out my emotions at first. I don't think I felt a romantic attraction for his other boyfriend in the first place, and he helped me realize that. Thanks to everyone who commented on this!!! I was just very confused, if I'm being honest. I'm not good at figuring out my feelings.
 
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You say this guy is your bf's bf, so are you currently in a polycule where your bf is the hinge? So you're crushing on your metamour? If you have no idea what this sentence means, read on.

polycule: the group of people in a polyamorous relationship configuration.
metamour: a person in this group that you are not dating directly.
hinge: anyone with two or more partners in a polycule.

Is anyone actually currently practicing non-monogamy in this circle of friends/relationships? If so, then if I were you I'd communicate with my bf first to see if he considers his bf on the "messy list" (someone who is off limits) or if he'd be open to creating a triad rather than a V with you both.

If he says triad, then the work just begins because there is a hell of a lot of learn about being in a triad. Wisdom of those who have done it say it's harder than learning how to be in a couple, and the maths backs it up:

A+B
B+C
C+A
are the dyads. That's three relationships for three people, not one relationship for three people.
Then there's the dynamics between dyads and the other person because sometimes there will be a 2/1 situation because nothing is ever perfectly equal. Equity matters, not equality. Sometimes one dyad needs more attention so...

AB+C
BC+A
AC+B

And then there's when you're all actually in a good place to be together:

ABC

Sound like hard work yet? Yes? Good, because it is.

But back to your crush...crushes happen and they aren't cheating just because you're crushing. Cheating happens when you start breaking agreements (which is a minefield when you're operating on unspoken traditional monogamy agreements because often people have different expectations and no-one has ever really agreed to anything) OR if you start doing sneaky things and attempt to justify them to yourself when you already know that, actually, your partner would take a dim view of what's going on.

So, make sure you don't do sneaky shit. The quickest way to avoid sneaky shit is to be upfront with your partner. Open a dialogue about becoming transparent about your relationship agreements rather than some unspoken and thus confusing ideas of what vaguely 'should be' based on the adult relationships you grew up with some awareness of. You'd benefit from doing this bit, crush or not.

There's a book called Designer Relationships that helps with all sorts of ways of being. It sounds like you're still in the stage of figuring a lot of things out, so get a head start on things now in the knowledge department.

If you really want to deep dive into learning more about polyamory, there are a bunch of links here: https://polyamory.com/threads/most-commonly-cited-advice-articles-master-thread.155304/
 
sillypilby said:
I can't tell if I feel genuine attraction for him
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sillypilby said:
the guy told me he "loves me" before he went away. it was rlly out of nowhere and random, so i don't know what it means or what to do. i wasn't sure if it was in a friend way, since it was out of pocket. usually friends don't say that + we aren't that close yet, i dont think. we just started talking again.
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I'll start here. He told you he loves you, but it seemed out of the blue, because you are just friends. So, I'm assuming since you were just friends, that you didn't have these feelings before he said that to you? If that is true, then what you are feeling is not love.

I'm going to make an assumption here, so don't take it badly if I'm wrong.

When people are young, and starting to learn about relationships and feelings, it can get very confusing. When a person tells you they love you in a romantic way, or if you might think it's in a romantic way, your body releases brain chemicals that make you have strong feelings, as well. This is called a crush or infatuation.

You can get these feeling without the words being said, but those words can jump start it. Using those words early on, before love can form, is called "love-bombing" and can lead to dangerous relationship dynamics, like manipulation or abuse.

These brain chemicals are very strong, can make you feel almost out of control about a person, and want to be with them all the time, almost obsessively. They will be all you'll think about.

It's not love. No matter how much you think it's love, it isn't. Love comes after that feeling goes away and you've gotten to really know the person.
sillypilby said:
i am 100% sure i am in love with my boyfriend but I am also having feelings for another person while i am in a relationship and i feel real bad about
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You feel bad because you believe the fairy tale that says if you really love a person you will not feel attraction or desire for anyone else. This is not true.

You absolutely can have feelings for more than one person-- body chemical feelings and actual love.


sillypilby said:
i hope it isn't cheating if i'm still in love with my boyfriend.
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Having feelings or attraction is not cheating. Cheating involves an action on your part, behind your boyfriend's back. Cheating is a betrayal. It sounds like boyfriend's boyfriend might be close to cheating just by saying that to you. I would back off until you get a chance to tell your boyfriend what happened. Hiding that he said he loves you from your boyfriend could be a betrayal. So tell him.
 
Evie said:
You say this guy is your bf's bf, so are you currently in a polycule where your bf is the hinge? So you're crushing on your metamour? If you have no idea what this sentence means, read on.

polycule: the group of people in a polyamorous relationship configuration.
metamour: a person in this group that you are not dating directly.
hinge: anyone with two or more partners in a polycule.

Is anyone actually currently practicing non-monogamy in this circle of friends/relationships? If so, then if I were you I'd communicate with my bf first to see if he considers his bf on the "messy list" (someone who is off limits) or if he'd be open to creating a triad rather than a V with you both.

If he says triad, then the work just begins because there is a hell of a lot of learn about being in a triad. Wisdom of those who have done it say it's harder than learning how to be in a couple, and the maths backs it up:

A+B
B+C
C+A
are the dyads. That's three relationships for three people, not one relationship for three people.
Then there's the dynamics between dyads and the other person because sometimes there will be a 2/1 situation because nothing is ever perfectly equal. Equity matters, not equality. Sometimes one dyad needs more attention so...

AB+C
BC+A
AC+B

And then there's when you're all actually in a good place to be together:

ABC

Sound like hard work yet? Yes? Good, because it is.

But back to your crush...crushes happen and they aren't cheating just because you're crushing. Cheating happens when you start breaking agreements (which is a minefield when you're operating on unspoken traditional monogamy agreements because often people have different expectations and no-one has ever really agreed to anything) OR if you start doing sneaky things and attempt to justify them to yourself when you already know that, actually, your partner would take a dim view of what's going on.

So, make sure you don't do sneaky shit. The quickest way to avoid sneaky shit is to be upfront with your partner. Open a dialogue about becoming transparent about your relationship agreements rather than some unspoken and thus confusing ideas of what vaguely 'should be' based on the adult relationships you grew up with some awareness of. You'd benefit from doing this bit, crush or not.

There's a book called Designer Relationships that helps with all sorts of ways of being. It sounds like you're still in the stage of figuring a lot of things out, so get a head start on things now in the knowledge department.

If you really want to deep dive into learning more about polyamory, there are a bunch of links here: https://polyamory.com/threads/most-commonly-cited-advice-articles-master-thread.155304/
Click to expand...
thank you for this. everything you said really helps. they're both poly, and I'm still in the process of telling my boyfriend how I feel. i just don't want to hurt him or make him uncomfortable, so i'm going to start from there. i'm figuring it all out, since this is kind of new to me. I'm just hoping he'll be able to work with me and help. i feel extremely guilty still.
 
Bobbi said:
I'll start here. He told you he loves you but it seemed out of the blue because you are just friends. So, I'm assuming since you were just friends, that you didn't have these feelings before he said that to you?
If that is true then what you are feeling is not love.

I'm going to make an assumption here so don't take it badly if I'm wrong.

When people are young and starting to learn about relationships and feelings it can get very confusing. When a person tells you they love you in a romantic way or if you might think it's in a romantic way, your body releases brain chemicals that make you have strong feelings as well. Sometimes called a crush or infatuation.

You can get these feeling without the words being said, but those words can jump start it. Using those words early before love can form is called love bombing and can lead to dangerous relationship dynamics like manipulation or abuse.

These brain chemicals are very strong and can make you feel almost out of control about a person and want to be with them all the time, almost obsessively they will be all you'll think about.

It's not love. No matter how much you think it's love, it isn't. Love comes after that feeling goes away and you've gotten to really know the person.

you feel bad because you believe the fairy tale that says if you really love a person you will not feel attraction or desire for anyone else. This is not true.

You absolutely can have feelings for more than one person. Body chemicals feelings and actual love.



Having feelings or attraction is not cheating. Cheating involves an action on you part, behind your boyfriend's back. Cheating is a betrayal. It sounds like boyfriend's boyfriend might be close to cheating just by saying that to you. I would back off until you get a chance to tell your boyfriend what happened. Hiding that he said he loves you from your boyfriend could be a betrayal so tell him.
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I'm sorry. i didn't want to go into too much detail at first, but I feel it would help a little more if i did. thank you for telling me all that, though. i appreciate it.

anyway, he and I were close in the beginning, not extremely close, but we were friends, talking almost every day. but we fell out a little since i went through a depressive episode where I didn't want to really talk to anyone but my boyfriend. but now we started talking again. I don't know, before, sometimes I felt a little twinge of feelings here and there for him, but didn't really think anything of it. but now it's way stronger. plus in our most recent conversation, i was helping him through mental-health struggles, and he seemed to really trust me with helping him. stuff I would've never expected him to do.

I promise i'm not a weird person that randomly fell in love with him over him saying he loves me. but it sure made me feel all happy. i really want to try to get to spend more time with him to figure it out. but I really should tell my boyfriend first. I seriously feel so much guilt about it.
 
Bobbi said:
Having feelings or attraction is not cheating. Cheating involves an action on you part, behind your boyfriend's back. Cheating is a betrayal. It sounds like boyfriend's boyfriend might be close to cheating just by saying that to you. I would back off until you get a chance to tell your boyfriend what happened. Hiding that he said he loves you from your boyfriend could be a betrayal so tell him.
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I wouldn't necessarily think he meant something bad by it. i'm genuinely probably overthinking that he meant it in any other way then a friend way. but ill try to bring it up to my boyfriend. thank you.
 
sillypilby said:
thank you for this. everything you said really helps. they're both poly, and I'm still in the process of telling my boyfriend how I feel. i just don't want to hurt him or make him uncomfortable, so i'm going to start from there. i'm figuring it all out, since this is kind of new to me. I'm just hoping he'll be able to work with me and help. i feel extremely guilty still.
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If your bf is poly, then this should be relatively straightforward. Just have a conversation about you also exploring poly. Poly shouldn’t be something that is okay for him, but not for you.

Talk to him about boundaries, messy lists, what kind of relationship dynamic you are open to. If he says his BF is on his messy list, or he didn’t want a triad (for all the reasons people on here say triads are hard) and would prefer an N-shape network, then you know where you stand.

You can decide from there what you want to say about your developing feelings for his BF. You don’t need to start the conversation with saying you want to have sex with his BF.
 
Fogul said:
If your bf is poly, then this should be relatively straightforward. Just have a conversation about you also exploring poly. Poly shouldn’t be something that is okay for him but not for you.

Talk to him about boundaries, messy lists, what kind of relationship dynamic you are open to. If he says his BF is on his messy list, or he didn’t want a triad (for all the reasons people on here say triads are hard) and would prefer an N-shape network, then you know where you stand.

You can decide from there what you want to say about your developing feelings for his BF. You don’t need to start the conversation with saying you want to have sex with his BF.
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Alright, thank you. he and i are currently talking about it. i will give updates soon, when it reaches morning for me in a couple hours.
also the romantic relationship i want with his bf wouldn't involve sex. i dont think i'd ever be willing to do that with him.
 
sillypilby said:
I promise i'm not a weird person that randomly fell in love with him over him saying he loves me. but it sure made me feel all happy. i really want to try to get to spend more time with him to figure it out. but I really should tell my boyfriend first. I seriously feel so much guilt about it.
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I don't think you are weird. I also made a lot of assumptions. Thank you for clarifying.

You have an advantage here that they are both poly. Just be open to both of them about how you are feeling for each and that this is very new and scary for you. Let them know you'd like to explore with their support and without judgement, so you can figure out how you feel about polyamory, and see if it's right for you, or not. Ask them if this is too messy for them, since they are partners.

The guilt you feel is simply because your boyfriend doesn't know yet. That will go away with a healthy conversation and support from him, which he should give you if he is truly poly.

Remember, being poly isn't about feeling comfortable loving multiple people, it's about feeling comfortable with your partner loving multiple people.
 
Hello sillypilby,

You aren't doing anything wrong, even monogamists catch feels sometimes for other people besides their partner. Your situation seems to be poly, as your boyfriend has two boyfriends, you and the other guy. That is a V configuration, but maybe it will transition into a triad (where all three of you are romantically involved with each other). Talk to the other guys about your feelings, and see if they are okay with a triad. Good luck!

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
I beg your pardon if you're not, but you sound on the younger side.

I'm older than you, I'm sure, but I admit, I have had crushes on my female partner's bfs. And some of my bfs have admittedly had crushes on my gf.

Here's the thing about polyamory-- when you're new to it, and know that being committed does not mean being monogamous, you can get what I call "kid in a candy store syndrome." All these attractive people out there, and I can get with anyone I want without cheating on my current partner?? Let's goooo...!!!

But, hold on. Just because you CAN, doesn't mean you SHOULD. There are any number of reasons to not have sex with, date, or start a relationship with certain people.

Triads are hard.
Jealousy and envy happen, even when you're an experienced polyamorist.
You can get "poly-saturated" with dating more people than you can handle, emotionally or time-wise or energy-wise.
Infatuation and love are not the same thing.
It ain't poly if you're just fucking around.
Etc.
 
Magdlyn said:
I beg your pardon if you're not, but you sound on the younger side.

I'm older than you, I'm sure, but I admit, I have had crushes on my female partner's bfs. And some of my bfs have admittedly had crushes on my gf.

Here's the thing about polyamory-- when you're new to it, and know that being committed does not mean being monogamous, you can get what I call "kid in a candy store syndrome." All these attractive people out there, and I can get with anyone I want without cheating on my current partner?? Let's goooo...!!!

But, hold on. Just because you CAN, doesn't mean you SHOULD. There are any number of reasons to not have sex with, date, or start a relationship with certain people.

Triads are hard.
Jealousy and envy happen, even when you're an experienced polyamorist.
You can get "poly-saturated" with dating more people than you can handle, emotionally or time-wise or energy-wise.
Infatuation and love are not the same thing.
It ain't poly if you're just fucking around.
Etc.
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thank you!! also yeah i'm only 19 and my only big relationship has been with my boyfriend of 2 years so im not that experienced with feelings and all that.... i got super confused over how i felt and i dont think i ended up having any romantic feelings for someone else in the first place
but i will take this for future reference if something ever happens like this again, it really is hard figuring out stuff without lots of help
 
kdt26417 said:
Hello sillypilby,

You aren't doing anything wrong, even monogamists catch feels sometimes for other people besides their partner. Your situation seems to be poly, as your boyfriend has two boyfriends, you and the other guy. That is a V configuration, but maybe it will transition into a triad (where all three of you are romantically involved with each other). Talk to the other guys about your feelings, and see if they are okay with a triad. Good luck!

Regards,
Kevin T.
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thank you so much! i have decided not to do anything at all since i figured out i dont think i was crushing at all, not in a bad way but i was in the process of figuring out my feelings
 
Bobbi said:
I don't think you are weird. I also made a lot of assumptions. Thank you for clarifying.

You have an advantage here that they are both poly. Just be open to both of them about how you are feeling for each and that this is very new and scary for you. Let them know you'd like to explore with their support and without judgement, so you can figure out how you feel about polyamory, and see if it's right for you, or not. Ask them if this is too messy for them, since they are partners.

The guilt you feel is simply because your boyfriend doesn't know yet. That will go away with a healthy conversation and support from him, which he should give you if he is truly poly.

Remember, being poly isn't about feeling comfortable loving multiple people, it's about feeling comfortable with your partner loving multiple people.
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My boyfriend got upset at first over me catching feelings for someone else but then he just understood where i was coming from, he only got upset since it was out of line for me to suddenly be like this. it's not his fault though i mean i randomly brought it up with him but we talked it out and i ended up realizing i don't think i had feelings for his other boyfriend in the first place. i was just being kind of dumb about it and got confused about my actual feelings. also it's alright that you assumed i didnt really get to explain a lot anyway since i didnt know how to word it! thank you again :0)
 
sillypilby said:
My boyfriend got upset at first over me catching feelings for someone else but then he just understood where i was coming from, he only got upset since it was out of line for me to suddenly be like this. it's not his fault though i mean i randomly brought it up with him but we talked it out and i ended up realizing i don't think i had feelings for his other boyfriend in the first place. i was just being kind of dumb about it and got confused about my actual feelings. also it's alright that you assumed i didnt really get to explain a lot anyway since i didnt know how to word it! thank you again :0)
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I get being frustrated by the timing of the conversation, but I don't know why you'd think it was out of line to develop feelings in general. It makes things much less messy in THIS situation, for you to not crush on his partner. But in general, will it be a problem if you get another crush unrelated to this situation?

Is your partner also 19ish, or is he older?
 
It is very normal to develop crushes on people other than your partner. Mono people do too. They just suppress the feelings (or they act on them, and cheat). But since your bf IS poly and HAS a bf and a gf, why on earth would he object to you developing feelings or crushes on others, and actually acting on those feelings? Maybe he doesn't want you dating his other partner. That is entirely understandable, and even advisable. But it's only fair that, if you do take an interest in someone else, and want to date them, that you do that, if you want to. Most people do not just stick with the one love/sex partner they had in their teens throughout their entire life. It is actually good for you to date a variety of partners before "settling down."
 
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