I need help (polybombed)

P

phillip140981

New member
Guys, I have been doing this for 1 month, and the other night my wife met with the guy she is seeing for the second time. she told me they just kissed and I believe her. but I know in the future what is coming. I have tried to be happy in front of my wife and kids, but it's getting harder to do and I find myself crying uncontrollably all the time when alone. I can’t ask her to stop, as she has already told me she will resent me and prob won’t stop, as it is fixing her sex drive with me. But I find myself in a dark place, having been the most unhappy I have ever been in the last month. I even have thoughts of ending my life, as it is getting too much. If anyone can help, it would be great.
 
Hey Philip, I'm sorry you’re feeling so unhappy.

How long have you been discussing being polyamorous as a couple? To do this successfully takes a lot of reading, thinking, discussion and agreement about what polyamory looks like for you both. If she just announced a month ago that she wants other lovers, and you’re only accepting it to avoid a breakup, then it’s not really polyamory and certainly not healthy polyamory. It’s coercion.

And if she just wants to do it to paper over cracks in your relationship, “to fix her sex drive”, then it’s not going to help unless you both work on your relationship.

There are lots of resources on this forum that will help you explore polyamory. But firstly, and really important, is that if you’re having suicidal thoughts, is to get yourself a poly-friendly therapist to speak to. Ideally that would evolve into couples therapy, but right now you need support, so please reach out and find a therapist. Your kids need their dad and there is love in this world for you. This dark place will pass, so hang on in there. x
 
Hey, listen. It will be hard, but you CAN walk away, find a woman who just wants one man (you.) Plenty out there. Honestly, poly feels awful to a monogamous person. It is very, very hard to get your needs met by a poly person who is toggling between partners. To monogamous folk, poly can feel shallow, unstable, non-committal and not "enough."

I understand you probably love your wife, but crying and feeling suicidal isn't worth it. I say this to you as someone who has been there, on both sides. When I wanted out of my marriage, I pushed poly on my partner. He became seriously depressed & turned to drugs before I outright left him (which honestly I would have done eventually, anyhow). Then a decade later, I was poly because my partner, with whom I was madly in love, wanted it. I stayed way too long, and by the time he outright dumped me, I was dangerously thin, suffering suicidal ideation, and my self-esteem was nil.

Two years later, after a LOT of self-reflection, I'm happy, plump, healthy and in an amazing mono relationship.

Be your own protector. If you don't want a poly r'ship, don't BE in a poly r'ship. I know I wouldn't have listened had someone told me, but that won't stop me from tryna tell you...
 
I'm sorry you are going through this. :(

I can’t ask her to stop, as she has already told me she will resent me, and prob won’t stop, as it is fixing her sex drive with me. But I find myself in a dark place having been the most unhappy in I have ever been in the last month and even have thoughts of ending my life, as it is getting too much...
Click to expand...

Please consider reaching out to a hotline:

988lifeline.org

988 Lifeline

At the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, we understand that life’s challenges can sometimes be difficult. Whether you’re facing mental health struggles, emotional distress, alcohol or drug use concerns…
988lifeline.org 988lifeline.org

List of suicide crisis lines - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org en.wikipedia.org

Talk to a counselor, or check yourself into the ER if you are thinking of suicide.


I can’t ask her to stop, as she has already told me she will resent me and prob won’t stop, as it is fixing her sex drive with me.
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You don't have to ask her to stop polyamory. You DO have to take care of yourself. If she's taking a journey to PolyTown and you don't want to go there, you can get off this bus. You don't have to go there. She can go there without you.

You also have dependent kids. They watch you and learn what to do from you. Do you want to teach them to fake being happy in their own grown-up relationships, to the point of suicidal ideation? Rather than teach them to speak up for themselves and say no to stuff they don't want to do?

You have to be able to say "I love you a lot, but NO, I will not do stuff I really don't want or stay in things that hurt me. That's asking too much. I need to think about my own well-being."

If this is not for you, you could be honest about all that, then move on to a trial separation so you do NOT have to witness her dating life up close. Stop sharing sex with each other. Maybe do couples counseling to see if you can reconcile, or if this is better divorced. If you already know it is better divorced, break up as peacefully as possible under the circumstances, and set up coparenting agreements.

You can be free FROM poly stuff you do not want. She can be free TO pursue the poly-dating she wants. There is nothing wrong with you wanting monogamy, or her wanting polyamory. It's just not compatible together.

If you are bending yourself into pretzels, trying to get "get ok" with it to the point where you are contemplating suicide... this is not healthy for you. Participating in a romantic/married relationship should not cost you your life. :(

I think you could prioritize your own well-being and break up. Rebuild life on your own. In case this article helps you come to terms -- especially the last set of bullet points:

  • Is this the right relationship for you in your life now, or was it only right in the past?
  • Are you staying in because this feels good, or because this feels familiar?
  • Are you afraid of change in your life or of being alone or single? Is this relationship keeping you from needed change or growth?
  • Do you feel like letting go means you failed? Are you staying to try and prove something to yourself or someone else?
  • Are you staying because you feel guilty about having been sexual in something other than a lifelong relationship?
  • Are you choosing to stay because you've become a partner's caretaker or counselor rather than their partner?
  • Are you staying because any relationship seems better than no relationship, or because you're afraid this is the only chance you'll have for this kind of relationship?
  • Are you staying because it's what the other person wants or says they need, even if it's not what you want and need?
  • Are you staying because you made some kind of promise that you know you can't keep or don't want to, but feel guilty about breaking?
  • Are you staying in figuring you'll just wait and see if something better comes along, and stay if it doesn't?
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If you want to talk to a counselor experienced in non-monogamy issues about all that is going on:

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory
www.polyfriendly.org

Galagirl
 
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Hello phillip140981,

It sounds like you have just about reached the point where, if your wife continues with polyamory, you will end your own life. You should let her know that this is the case, she should not proceed with her polyamorous endeavor without knowing how serious it is for you. I hope this will serve as a wake-up call for her.

I hope things get better for you,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
It sounds like you have just about reached the point where, if your wife continues with polyamory, you will end your own life. You should let her know that this is the case. She should not proceed with her polyamorous endeavor without knowing how serious it is for you. I hope this will serve as a wake-up call for her.
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Elsewhere on this site, we've recently been discussing this threat: "If you do xyz (e.g., continue poly-dating), I am going to kill myself." Many agree that this is a manipulation tactic. If someone kills themselves, it is always their own choice, and their own responsibility. No one else can be blamed for their death but themselves.

There are many ways to leave a relationship. Killing yourself, or killing your partner, are the two worst ways to break up. OBVIOUSLY. If there is no reason to stay in a relationship other than to think you are preventing someone's suicide, you should tell the person threatening to take their own life that you will take them to the ER, or call a suicide prevention hotline for them to speak to someone, but that's it. No one should be so dependent on someone else to the point where they make these kinds of threats, guilt-tripping them, causing fear, just to get that person to stay with them.

I think the OP (not his wife) needs the "wake-up call."
 
In addition to what was already said, you have to tell your wife. Can't keep to yourself that you are seriously depressed because of this. Either she has to stop, or you two have to part.
Changing mindset... is SOMEWHAT possible, given time, but rarely perfect, if people feel this strongly against it.
 
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