How do I feel ok with my wife opening our relationship?

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Tony442nm

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As you might guess, this is all very new for me. My wife and I have been together for 22 years. She had a couple affairs that we have gotten past, although I'm still hurt by. She has always wanted more, and I'm letting her explore. She is absolutely gorgeous and I know she'll find many interested in her. In fact, she's meeting someone today as a first step towards a possible sexual partnership. I'm not happy, although I agreed to it. I felt if I didn't, she would just cheat on me again, which I don't think I'll survive another. I want her to be happy, but I'm kinda dying here. I want to be ok with it all, but I'm super lonely, even before her going out, and I'm not sure what to do. Any help is appreciated.
 
A couple questions might help bring the situation into focus:

When you express how you're feeling about this to your wife, how does she respond? Is she sympathetic to how you feel, or does she treat your feelings as more like an obstacle to her happiness?

Are you getting anything positive out of this arrangement, anything at all, even a tiny, little thing... other than "avoiding divorce"?
 
If your wife just wants to fuck other people, that is not polyamory, it's just an open marriage. There is nothing wrong with that, but that isn't what the focus of this forum is. This forum is about polyamory, which is having more than one relationship with the knowledge and consent of all involved.
 
How do I feel ok with my wife opening our relationship?

Why? For what purpose? It's fine if you do NOT feel ok and do NOT want any of this.

My wife and I have been together for 22 years. She had a couple affairs that we have gotten past, although I'm still hurt by.

I'm sorry to hear that. :(

She's meeting someone today as a first step towards a possible sexual partnership. I'm not happy, although I agreed to it. I felt if I didn't she would just cheat on me again, which I don't think I'll survive another.

That is not enthusiastic, joyful consent. That is fearfulness.

(Do you mean literally survive? If she does it again, are you going to harm yourself?)

Given that she's done a lot of cheating in her past, what makes you think she won't cheat on the new non-monogamous or polyamorous agreements she made with you, rather than just keep with her track record? It is not the relationship model or the agreements that keep the person honest and makes them a person of their word. It's the person themselves and their character.

I want her to be happy but I'm kinda dying here. I want to be ok with it all but I'm super lonely, even before her going out, and I'm not sure what to do. Any help is appreciated
Is cheating a dealbreaker for you? It sounds like it is, but you just keep hanging on, rather than breaking the deal.

If cheating hurts you badly... maybe it's ok to say "No, thank you. I'm not going to stop you, but I'm not up for being in an open marriage doing non-monogamy or polyamory. I want to break up."

If she wants to go there, you can bow out. You don't have to go there with her.

It's ok for YOU to be happy. It's also ok to be happy separately. She does her thing and you do yours. It's NOT ok for her to be happy doing whatever she wants while you continue to suffer.

Being here is hurting you. You have to be able to say, "I love you a lot, but no, not even for you will I do stuff that I don't really want, or that hurts me. That's asking too much of me." You don't have to be together anymore.

In case it helps you:


Galagirl
 
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A couple questions might help bring the situation into focus:

When you express how you're feeling about this to your wife, how does she respond? Is she sympathetic to how you feel, or does she treat your feelings as more like an obstacle to her happiness?

Are you getting anything positive out of this arrangement, anything at all, even a tiny, little thing... other than "avoiding divorce"?
It's a little bit sympathy, and I'm a bit of an obstacle. Or I feel that way from what she says. She says it's not just about sex, but having deep connections with others, as well as sex. Besides staying with her, no, I don't feel I'm getting anything I need, but her not leaving me. She says I can go out as well, but I have little to no confidence that I would find a partner. I have really only been with her, and my previous experience was lackluster, at best. When I was avoiding this arrangement, she would shut down emotionally and sexually, and that was very painful. I believe her, as she says it's her orientation, that she can't help but want to be with more than me. But that doesn't make it hurt less.
 
She says it's not just about sex, she wants deep intimate relationships with others, while I am the primary. I have "given consent," but I'm not happy. I want her to be happy, but I'm suffering and I'm on this platform looking for help. She says she didn't realize she was poly until well into our marriage; that's where the cheating came in. She expressed wanting to open the marriage at that time, but I was way too traumatized to even attempt it. I think I'm in a place that this could work, but mostly this kinda sucks for me.
If your wife just wants to fuck other people, that is not polyamory, it's just an open marriage. There is nothing wrong with that, but that isn't what the focus of this forum is. This forum is about polyamory, which is having more than one relationship with the knowledge and consent of all involved.
 
Of course it sucks. You've let yourself get talked into doing something you don't want to do because you're scared of ending your marriage. I've been on both sides of this. I've been the one hoisting poly upon a reluctant partner, as well as the one reluctantly agreeing to poly. None of it works without the joyful consent of EVERYONE involved.

So I can tell you this: If you're already lonely in your r'ship, poly will probably make it worse. She'll have even less time, attention & focus on you & your marriage. She'll be putting her energy elsewhere. There's little chance that this is going to make your marriage more satisfying for you.

You can try to find your own other partners to fill in the blanks. But if you're monogamously oriented, that won't feel satisfying. I know for me, when I'm really into someone, I really only want them. During my forays into poly, I've usually ended up wanting one of my partners wayyyyyy more than any others to the point that other partner(s) felt like a waste of time.

One of the rare moments I *felt* maybe truly poly was at the end of my marriage. I still had a lingering love for my soon-to-be-ex-husband, but was more interested in exploring exciting new connections than actually working on my flailing marriage. I was pretty much done giving energy to him, but wasn't ready to leave him outright, I did still love him. Poly was my "soft exit."

Would you enjoy a love that was free of the anxiety & pain caused by your partner seeking others? You won't be able to have that if you stay in this marriage. There's plenty of women out there who just want ONE man, but you won't find them as long as you stay where you are.
 
Hello Tony442nm,

It sounds like you have given consent to your wife dating others only because you had no choice as otherwise she would just cheat on you, and you can't stand for her to do that again. So now you have to know how you can be okay with her doing this, when this isn't what you really want her to do. I'm sorry you are going through with this, you shouldn't have to have your wife sleeping with other people, regardless of the reasons or whether you were forced to give your consent.

I'm sorry you are stuck in this situation. There's really no way out, as your wife would just cheat on you if you told her to stop being poly. You could of course divorce her, but where would you ever find another partner like her? This is why you have to give her your consent, no matter how opposed you feel to poly. To be honest I feel terrible for you, but I can't think of any advice that would get you out of this mess. Not that your wife can help being poly, but it sticks you into a really awful situation.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
Hello Tony442nm,

It sounds like you have given consent to your wife dating others only because you had no choice as otherwise she would just cheat on you, and you can't stand for her to do that again. So now you have to know how you can be okay with her doing this, when this isn't what you really want her to do. I'm sorry you are going through with this, you shouldn't have to have your wife sleeping with other people, regardless of the reasons or whether you were forced to give your consent.

I'm sorry you are stuck in this situation. There's really no way out, as your wife would just cheat on you if you told her to stop being poly. You could of course divorce her, but where would you ever find another partner like her? This is why you have to give her your consent, no matter how opposed you feel to poly. To be honest I feel terrible for you, but I can't think of any advice that would get you out of this mess. Not that your wife can help being poly, but it sticks you into a really awful situation.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
Thank you. I am trying to come to grips with my situation. I need to find some happiness somewhere in this. I told her last night that I want her to include me, but she says I'm not ready. Still looking for the win, although, being with her is a win, and her being happy is a win. I will succeed or I won't. I appreciate your sympathy
 
Thank you. I am trying to come to grips with my situation. I need to find some happiness somewhere in this. I told her last night that I want her to include me, but she says I'm not ready. Still looking for the win, although, being with her is a win, and her being happy is a win. I will succeed or I won't. I appreciate your sympathy
Include you? As in you see the advantage for yourself in potentially having threesomes?
 
Include you? As in you see the advantage for yourself in potentially having threesomes?
Right. This is a common mistake. Polyamory does NOT mean just because the wife is dating another person, of whatever gender, that her husband gets to join in to that relationship by having threesome sex. The wife's other partner may have absolutely no attraction to the husband. Also, even if they did, they might not want to participate in group sex.

Group sex configurations are more common in swinging. They are not a given in polyamory, at all. Most couples who are practicing polyamory date separately.

That said, the wife doesn't get to tell the husband that, while she is "ready" to poly-date, he is not, and he needs her permission to poly-date when HE feels motivated to do so.
 
Include you? As in you see the advantage for yourself in potentially having threesomes?
I am interested in threesomes, or where all four of us are together. She is beginning to see couples. But she says I'm not ready, and maybe I'm not. I'm shy, unconfident, and VERY insecure. She's been my only partner. I would much rather be part of it, instead of being at home crying, as is the case, even though she hasn't been with either yet. I just want to feel better about the whole thing. 😔
 
Right. This is a common mistake. Polyamory does NOT mean just because the wife is dating another person, of whatever gender, that her husband gets to join in to that relationship by having threesome sex. The wife's other partner may have absolutely no attraction to the husband. Also, even if they did, they might not want to participate in group sex.

Group sex configurations are more common in swinging. They are not a given in polyamory, at all. Most couples who are practicing polyamory date separately.

That said, the wife doesn't get to tell the husband that, while she is "ready" to poly-date, he is not, and he needs her permission do poly-date when HE feels motivated to do so.
I understand it's not guaranteed that I get to be part, I just don't want to be left out. I love sex, maybe too much. I would have sex with my wife morning, noon, and night if I could, but she doesn't want me as I want her, that's part of what makes this painful. It makes me feel ugly and unwanted, although I must not be as ugly as I think I am, because she is absolutely gorgeous. I want to be part of what she is doing, but I'm scared of so much that comes with it. I have never seen a working open relationship, so it seems impossible for me.
 
I understand it's not guaranteed that I get to be part, I just don't want to be left out.
If you started dating on your own, getting a partner of your own that isn't dating her, you wouldn't be "left out." Trying to date the same person is REALLY hard. The feelings are always unequal and you're MORE likely to feel left out if this shared partner is much more into her than you.

Whereas if you dated one other person who liked you for you, and not just for the threesome configuration, you'd be getting positive feedback that you're worthy of attention and care.

I love sex, maybe too much. I would have sex with my wife morning, noon, and night if I could, but she doesn't want me as I want her, that's part of what makes this painful.
Many, if not most, couples have unequal libidos, at least to an extent. I have two partners and one of them is nearly asexual. The other one, however, matches me very well. However, it took over a decade of poly-dating to find him!

I know I struggled with rejection as my partner Pixi's libido started to wane after her NRE for me started to wane. Other than in sex, we are beautifully matched. And we were poly, so I could get my sexual needs met elsewhere, which helped.

I never actually felt ugly though. I have been told often enough, by Pixi, by platonic friends, by lovers, that I am pretty. I mean, I can look in the mirror and see that I am reasonably attractive. ;P
It makes me feel ugly and unwanted, although, I must not be as ugly as I think I am because she is absolutely gorgeous. I want to be part of what she is doing but I'm scared of so much that comes with it. I have never seen a working open relationship, so it seems impossible for me.
A lot of us here have healthy working poly relationships, whether they are open or closed, as you'll see as you start to read around.

Please check out our resource list too. There's some great reading there. I'd recommend the article, The Most Skipped Step, which is about disentanglement.


 
Group sex is not a requirement in polyamory. It's a thing of its own. Some people want both group sex and poly, some only want group sex, some only want poly.

I am interested in threesomes, or where all 4 of us are together, she is beginning to see couples, but she says I'm not ready, and maybe I'm not.

So... would you do threesomes on your own? Or is it more about doing group sex just to get to share sex with your wife again, since it sounds like sex with her has been off the table?

Why does she get to decide what you are and are not ready for? Don't you get to decide that? You are the one who lives in your brain, right?

GG
 
I am interested in threesomes, or where all 4 of us are together. She is beginning to see couples, but she says I'm not ready, and maybe I'm not. I'm shy, unconfident, and VERY insecure. She's been my only partner. I would much rather be part of it, instead of being at home crying, as is the case, even though she hasn't been with either yet. I just want to feel better about the whole thing.
Maybe she would be willing to also try swinging, if that's a more appealing style of non-monogamy to you? Like, not you interfering with her dates, but seeking out group sex as a couple as a separate journey?
 
Group sex is not a requirement in polyamory. It's a thing of its own. Some people want both group sex and poly, some only want group sex, some only want poly. Would you do threesomes on your own, or is it more about doing group sex just to get to share sex with your wife again, since it sounds like sex with her has been off the table? Why does she get to decide what you are and are not ready for? Don't you get to decide that?
It's not that sex is off the table, it's that I'm sharing this incredibly precious thing with others, with people I don't feel deserve it. I have put half of my life into taking care of her, loving her the best I can, and these are just people looking for a goddess for their fun. I'm probably not being fair to them, but it's how I'm feeling right now. I feel left out. I've always felt left out, like I don't belong anywhere. I what to feel included, I want to feel wanted, I want to feel beautiful, and I don't at all. I know I must find it within, but I've hated myself for so long, I don't know where to even start.
 
If you started dating on your own, getting a partner of your own that isn't dating her, you wouldn't be "left out." Trying to date the same person is REALLY hard. The feelings are always unequal and you're MORE likely to feel left out if this shared partner is much more into her than you. Whereas, if you dated one other person who liked you for you, and not just for the threesome configuration, you'd be getting positive feedback that you're worthy of attention and care.

Many, if not most, couples have unequal libidos, at least to an extent. I have two partners and one of them is nearly asexual. The other one, however, matches me very well. However, it took over a decade of poly-dating to find him!

I know I struggled with rejection as my partner Pixi's libido started to wane after her NRE for me started to wane. Other than in sex, we are beautifully matched. And we were poly, so I could get my sexual needs met elsewhere, which helped.

I never actually felt ugly though. I have been told often enough, even by Pixi, that I am pretty.

A lot of us here have healthy working poly relationships, whether they are open or closed, as you'll see as you start to read around.

Please check out our resource list too. There's some great reading there. I'd recommend the article, The Most Skipped Step, which is about disentanglement.


Thank you so much. I want this to work, or for her to stop. It feels like her stopping is not an option, so I must make it better. I need it to work so I can stay with her. Staying with her is my goal, the ultimate win is to be hers till my end. I need to find some confidence within to feel like I can handle this and possibly be a part of her fun. I just don't know how.
 
Maybe she would be willing to also try swinging, if that's a more appealing style of non-monogamy to you? Like, not you interfering with her dates, but seeking out group sex as a couple as a separate journey?
I don't know if I can do just sex with anyone. I'm very emotional and feel it is much more than just a physical need. My ideal, if there is one, is that we have a couple that we play with, together or apart, mostly together, especially at this time. I told her this, but I think I'll fuck everything up because of my insecurities, and I probably will. I don't know how to get past it, how to grow from where I am now.
 
I don't know if I can do just sex with anyone. I'm very emotional and feel it is much more than just a physical need. My ideal, if there is one, is that we have a couple that we play with, together or apart, mostly together, especially at this time. I told her this, but I think I'll fuck everything up because of my insecurities, and I probably will. I don't know how to get past it, how to grow from where I I'm now.
You have to do more talking.

Playing with another couple is not unrealistic, if you regularly visit sex-positive events together. (Whatever is your thing... since you use the word "play," maybe BDSM clubs are an option, or trying a tantric evening or weekend workshop, if that's available in your area? Tantra has helped to shift my mindset somewhat.) It's totally doable to get to know people and have fun. Take it slow. You don't need to go have sex on your first encounter... just go watch and talk to people, or participate as a couple if it's a workshop. Getting to know a community may be a good way to get "past it".

What is less doable is a lasting "quad" relationship, standing on the premise of "I date your wife, you date my wife." One couple is bound to work out better than the other couple and someone is bound to feel left out.

However, she wants to date and have one-on-one relationships and sex, so going out just with you won't cut it for her. Doing things together, maybe helping you with the social aspect, she may be willing to do that, but it can't take away her option to do things on her own.
 
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