I'm sorry you struggle. I hope you feel a bit better for the vent. I think it is good you are both trying to talk and work through this. Try to be kind to each other while sorting this out.
I think you both learned that you actually have to spell things out to minimize misunderstandings. People are not mind readers.
While you may have had some poly experience in the past, she's a total newbie and is gonna be ... clunky. You might have to remember that.
Maybe you'd want to read some things together. There are many places to look, but here is one.
Information on relationship skills, education and activism information related to the practice of polyamory; polyamory media resource.
practicalpolyamory.com
If you didn't do enough preparation work, consider seeing a poly counselor to make sure your initial agreements cover all they need to.
"Just like before... but with 3!" is a totally newbie way to think about poly. If all one ever knew was monogamy, it's the easiest thing to imagine, and branch out from. Honestly, I would have been surprised if Wife WASN'T fantasizing along those lines. For her, it's not just first time with Dude, but first time doing polyamory, so she's kind of naive in her thinking. She's chasing fantasy "la-las" and hasn't stopped to think, "Oh, that would require 3 people to say yes. Just because I'd be into it, doesn't mean WDIDN or Dude automatically would be." The cold hard light of reality hasn't shone on her yet.
I am not sure how much preparation you did for coping with your wife feeling NRE. This is the first time you are doing poly with her. You don't know this side of her. Sometimes people with NRE act like drunk babbling people who make no sense. They are in the pink fluffy la-las. If you went with a DADT-ish thing, and she's been used to talking to you about her inner life stuff, hadn't lined up a support network (other than you) to talk to about poly stuff with, and just guessed, she ended up guessing wrong.
I get you feel hurt, but it doesn't sound like she was trying to be malicious. She's just a noob.
If neither of you have lined up a support network, you may both be going into this without a net. If
detangling is the most skipped step, setting up support systems is the second-most skipped one, I think.
There are stages of emotional change. She might be coming at it on Track A-- "new poly stuff!" Whereas, on your side, you are coming at this from a whole other angle because of your health, on Track B. Here is a visual aid (in the middle of the page). It's not exact, but knowing that the "old normal" is gone and the "new normal" is not here yet, and that there might be an emotional rollercoaster ride for both of you in the first year, but NOT on the same track, might help the transition be more realistic/doable.
Article describing the transition process, its effects on our work & personal and implications for managers.
www.eoslifework.co.uk
On your side, you may be feeling grief. I am not sure how well you have prepared for experiencing poly as a chronic patient. You are going to have all the regular newbie poly problems, PLUS your health stuff.
You may have also discovered that "initial agreements on paper" might not work "out in the field."
DADT -- you will have to spell out what that means to you. In this case, you said, "I don't want to know unless I ask directly." But there were some things you didn't even think to ask about or state out loud at the start. What other things might slip?
To me, you sound like you don't want actual DADT. You might want something more like, "I'm a chronic patient trying to accommodate your sexual needs. Don't overload me. Go slow, and be honest with me if I ask. You can ask me things. Just please don't
whoosh your NRE things at me." Is that closer to what you might want, at this point in time?
I could be wrong, but it sounds like the initial agreements were all about you kind of making a "defense bubble" around yourself. But that agreement didn't sound like it made space for her and the things she might want to know and ask about. It shut her out.
Talk over and rethink your agreements, so everyone is being served, and everything is realistic, reasonable, and keepable enough. Clarify what you meant. Ask her to repeat it back so you know she got it how you meant it, and vice versa, then try again with a new set of agreements "out in the field." Over time, you will both learn what works and what doesn't.
Talk about what these agreements actually entail over time, because you might have initial stepping-stone agreements to start out with, and build poly trust, and then update them as you go along and conditions change.
I assume you want safer-sex agreements like health labs and condoms. What about children? Do your agreements include genetic monogamy, like she's not going to make babies with other people?
How about over time, if she ends up with a steady partner, do you want to know their name and phone number, in case an emergency happens? It's not that you want to hang out, or be friends, but you want to be able make a courtesy call to her partner if someone's in the ER.
This "not at our house" thing-- what are the expectations over time?
- The other partner hosts all the time.
- They go to hotels. How does that work out with your finances?
- Or is it a temporary thing? Not in our house until we move and can have separate bedrooms.
You both have your part in this situation. You could both acknowledge that. Then you wouldn't be stuck in the blame game, pointing fingers at each other. You could focus instead on learning from the experience and moving things FORWARD. "We both have our share in this situation. Mistakes happened. Let's focus how to get back on track and make clearer, better-articulated stepping-stone agreements to minimize these sorts of dings as we transition into poly. We have to stop to check if the agreements serve everyone well, and are realistic, reasonable, and keepable."
Which agreements are hard limit, "No, never!" things, that will not change over time? (One of mine is "NO MORE KIDS." We are both done with that.)
Which agreements are, "For now, but this might change over time?" It sounds like your DADT agreement might fall into that category.
As for the messy list, I would prefer for her to stay in her lane. Not my people. This may be selfish on my part, but it's what I would prefer, at least for now, and while I'm readjusting to the change in our relationship. She went for him because it was easy, comfortable and convenient for her.
FWIW, I don't think it is selfish. It's a reasonable request during transition time. But you do have to TELL HER things like this. You could both allow for some learning-curve mistakes. They will happen. Instead of trying to be perfect, you could talk about how to cope with them, if/when they happen.
If they plan to continue seeing each other, you are going to have to talk to your friend. Everyone needs to be on the same page about agreements that affect all of you.
Or you could tell her point blank that you are willing to look past this mistake, but before they get all deep and emotionally attached, request she end it with him, because you aren't cool with her dating your friends. Go date people OUT THERE, not inside the friend circle, because each of you needs friends/support persons, and it's gonna be weird if you need to lean on friends for support, but then can't because it's that very friend who is the other partner. It makes things messy.
Articulate the rest of your "messy people" list, even if you think it goes without saying-- no dating your boss, parents, siblings, roomies, etc.
I encourage you to keep talking things out.
(cont.)