I need some advice

[RogueVillain]

Hi, it’s my first time in a poly relationship and I’m having some insecurities. I’m struggling on figuring out how to process and deal with them.

My fiancé and I have been in a relationship for going on two years, and have been engaged for a little over a year. I was previously mono, but had ideas of open relationship without knowing very much about it except that it doesn’t bother me.

I have spent most of my life being bullied and having rumors spread about me, much of which caused me to never get a girlfriend while in school. Some of the insecurities have carried over from then and are resurfacing, and social programming is not helping either. One of the big ones is about my size. I have never measured it, and I’m honestly scared to. My fiancé tells me I’m above average, but you know how it is. But I know I haven’t struggled to please anybody. But due to my own thoughts getting in my way, I struggle to get off sometimes and struggle to stay erect unless I can visibly and audibly tell that I am pleasing my partner.

I am very well aware of the fact that there is the possibility that my fiancé could find a relationship with a more endowed man than me. We have both had previous relationships with others during our relationship, and had oral encounters, but it had never progressed further than that.

But now my fiancé has a boyfriend and has taken his virginity, and I’m struggling with thoughts of if he is bigger or not. I am wanting to ask, because it feels like knowing would be better than not. But I also don’t know how I would handle it if he was bigger. In a lapse of judgment, I got permission from the boyfriend to ask my fiancé who is bigger. But I don’t want to know the exact size.

I feel that if he is bigger, it would be better in the long run, because if they don’t leave me because of it, that can take that fear.

 

[Evie]

Women date men, not penises. Women marry men, not penises. Women can frequently get more pleasure from hands and mouths than penises.

And it's absolutely none of your business how big another man's penis is. I'm glad you know it was a lapse in judgement.

You're not in highschool anymore. You get to leave that shit behind. You sound young enough that you may not yet have the disposable income for therapy, so proactively look for other means to let it go.

While you're at it, work on trusting your fiancee.

"My fiancé tells me I’m above average, but you know how it is."

What, you think she's lying to you? Undermining her word is undermining her. Period. Stop it.

 

[Magdlyn]

Why does your fiancee need to tell you how big an average or above-average length a penis is? Google says 5.1-5.5 inches, erect, measured from the top, pressing in on the pubic bone gently, using a measuring tape. It is found that doctors do a better job measuring penises than the men themselves. The men tend to exaggerate.

Length isn't everything. Girth is also a consideration.

Some women prefer an average or smaller penis, some prefer a bigger one. Women's vaginas vary in depth too. The angle, labia length, clitoris size or tendency to show the erection of the clitoral tissue (which is not just the "button," but goes down the labia, as well), also vary greatly. I've been told that my vagina is deeper than average, by gynecologists and midwives. Some women with shallower vaginas can not accommodate a larger penis, so that length is wasted. It just has that "wow factor" for porn.

And then there's the whole circumcision issue... don't get me started.

I'm also an expert on lactation, heh.

Sometimes the mysteries of the body need to be vanquished, so we can see what we're working with and appreciate our uniqueness.

Were you actually bullied in school because boys saw your flaccid penis in the showers of the gym or something? And this prevented you from dating?? Again, some guys are "show-ers" and some guys are "growers."

There's a guy in our blog section ("Steve's ENM Journey) whose penis is "too big" for his young gf, and they're having a heck of a time even managing full penetration. (They haven't, last we heard, after much trying and lots of lube.)

 

[RogueVillain]

Women date men, not penises. Women marry men, not penises. Women can frequently get more pleasure from hands and mouths than penises.

And it's absolutely none of your business how big another man's penis is. I'm glad you know it was a lapse in judgement.

You're not in highschool anymore. You get to leave that shit behind. You sound young enough that you may not yet have the disposable income for therapy, so proactively look for other means to let it go.

While you're at it, work on trusting your fiancee.

"My fiancé tells me I’m above average, but you know how it is."

What, you think she's lying to you? Undermining her word is undermining her. Period. Stop it.

That’s why I came here for advice on how to handle these feelings.

Also, I have found out that he is bigger in length and girth.

 

[RogueVillain]

Why does your fiancee need to tell you how big an average or above-average length a penis is? Google says 5.1-5.5 inches, erect, measured from the top, pressing in on the pubic bone gently, using a measuring tape. It is found that doctors do a better job measuring penises than the men themselves. The men tend to exaggerate.

Length isn't everything. Girth is also a consideration.

Some women prefer an average or smaller penis, some prefer a bigger one. Women's vaginas vary in depth too. The angle, labia length, clitoris size or tendency to show the erection of the clitoral tissue (which is not just the "button," but goes down the labia, as well), also vary greatly. I've been told that my vagina is deeper than average, by gynecologists and midwives. Some women with shallower vaginas can not accommodate a larger penis, so that length is wasted. It just has that "wow factor" for porn.

And then there's the whole circumcision issue... don't get me started.

I'm also an expert on lactation, heh.

Sometimes the mysteries of the body need to be vanquished, so we can see what we're working with and appreciate our uniqueness.

Were you actually bullied in school because boys saw your flaccid penis in the showers of the gym or something? And this prevented you from dating?? Again, some guys are "show-ers" and some guys are "growers."

There's a guy in our blog section ("Steve's ENM Journey) whose penis is "too big" for his young gf, and they're having a heck of a time even managing full penetration. (They haven't, last we heard, after much trying and lots of lube.)

No, nobody saw me. Yes, I am a grower not a shower.

What I’m worried about is them not being able to enjoy me the same after him, especially now that I have figured out he is bigger.

 

[Magdlyn]

No, nobody saw me. Yes, I am a grower not a shower.

What I’m worried about is them not being able to enjoy me the same after him, especially now that I have figured out he is bigger.

"Them" not being able to enjoy you? You mean "her"?

As a person who has had intercourse with maybe 2-3 dozen men, of all shapes and sizes, I have my preferences. But as Evie said, women don't date cocks. There is so much more to a man's lovemaking style than something as trivial as an inch or two.

Women's vaginas contract and expand as needed. They can hold a tampon tight, and pass out a 10 pound baby with a head circumference of 14"! Vaginas rock.

After intercourse, a vagina does not take on the 5" or so of the penis's girth, permanently or even for more than a minute. It contracts down to finger girth. It's a muscle. It's super stretchy and elastic. lol You'll be fine.

While we're on the topic, uteruses also expand and contract. A non-pregnant uterus is the size and shape of a small pear. A pregnant uterus at term is holding a 5-10 pound baby, a quart of amniotic fluid, a long umbilical cord and a one pound placenta!

Give us some credit, dude.

 

[RogueVillain]

"Them" not being able to enjoy you? You mean "her"?

As a person who has had intercourse with maybe 2-3 dozen men, of all shapes and sizes, I have my preferences. But as Evie said, women don't date cocks. There is so much more to a man's lovemaking style than something as trivial as an inch or two.

Women's vaginas contract and expand as needed. They can hold a tampon tight, and pass out a 10 pound baby with a head circumference of 14"! Vaginas rock.

After intercourse, a vagina does not take on the 5" or so of the penis's girth, permanently or even for more than a minute. It contracts down to finger girth. It's a muscle. It's super stretchy and elastic. lol You'll be fine.

While we're on the topic, uteruses also expand and contract. A non-pregnant uterus is the size and shape of a small pear. A pregnant uterus at term is holding a 5-10 pound baby, a quart of amniotic fluid, a long umbilical cord and a placenta!

Give us some credit, dude.

They use they/them pronouns. I’m not trying to take any credit from y’all. What I’m saying is that I’m worried they are not going to be able to enjoy me the same after having had bigger, after having told me I am the biggest they have had.

 

[Evie]

No one can solve that for you. There is no magical sentence that's going to put your mind at ease. Certainly not from internet strangers. But here's a video

It's been said forever, it's not what you've got, it's how you use it. You likely won't believe that though, because of the high school baggage.

As for handling the feelings rather than the thoughts, you can use somatic techniques like identifying where that feeling is in the body, how it may be moving around the body, you can use the power of your mind to dissipate the physical manifestations of those feelings, like if there is a tight knot in your chest or stomach, imagine expanding it like a gas until the tightness has floated away into the aether. Or use tapping (you can Google that). Or simply get up and do something else when the feelings become intrusive in the body. Don't fight them, but don't wallow in them. Teach yourself that your feelings are not in control of your actions.

 

[RogueVillain]

No one can solve that for you. There is no magical sentence that's going to put your mind at ease. Certainly not from internet strangers. But here's a video

It's been said forever, it's not what you've got, it's how you use it. You likely won't believe that though, because of the high school baggage.

As for handling the feelings rather than the thoughts, you can use somatic techniques like identifying where that feeling is in the body, how it may be moving around the body, you can use the power of your mind to dissipate the physical manifestations of those feelings, like if there is a tight knot in your chest or stomach, imagine expanding it like a gas until the tightness has floated away into the aether. Or use tapping (you can Google that). Or simply get up and do something else when the feelings become intrusive in the body. Don't fight them, but don't wallow in them. Teach yourself that your feelings are not in control of your actions.

Thank you. I will try that. I used to game when I would deal with harsh feelings, but that hasn’t rlly helped with this one.

 

[Evie]

Thankyou I will try that I used to game when I would deal with harsh feeling but that hasn’t rlly helped with this one

Physical activity is generally more recommended by mental health websites.

 

[Magdlyn]

They use they/them pronouns. I’m not trying to take any credit from y’all. What I’m saying is that I’m worried they are not going to be able to enjoy me the same after having had bigger after having told me I am the biggest they have had.

Even after I explained how women's or people with vaginas bodies work, you're still afraid they won't be able to "enjoy you the same" sexually? It sounds like you've got some body dysmorphia going on, where you're stuck in a certain (negative) idea about this body part, and biological/anatomical facts, based in actual reality, are not reassuring. You are taking credit from me, and my information, by ignoring basic anatomical facts, to your own detriment. You don't seem to take in what I said about vaginas expanding and contracting.

Therefore, this isn't a body problem. It seems to be a mental/emotional problem, right? Perhaps you took in the bullying from your childhood and have become your own "self bully."

Evie has a bent toward body energy work. I am more of the perspective of positive affirmations and education. We all have to overcome negative childhood experiences as we grow in adulthood. I'd recommend getting to that. This isn't to do with your fiance, their new dating partner, polyamory, or anything like that. It's work you need to do on yourself, to find a more positive place. I wish you well.

 

[KND]

Hi RogueVillain,

I thought I would offer advice and perspective from someone with a penis. We have a lot of reasons to be self conscious of penis size. Granted, logic doesn't support this concern over size, but we are not talking about logic. It's an issue that takes up a lot space in a lot of minds and no matter how big the penis is in question. This is to say, besides the bullying, your worries about penis size are common.

Still, the knowledge and advice already shared is correct. Partners should and probably do love you and enjoy you and have sex with you and not just your penis. Also, there was the advice of this is an issue for you to work with and not with your fiancee or their bf or anyone else. And, you really ought to consider working this out as a personal priority ahead of even building relationships.

My advice is to seek safe counsel, whether that be a counselor, friend, spiritual leader, etc. to discuss the bullying and your body image. I further stress to do this in person and with someone with expertise. Please avoid doing it online. There's probably no place where you can find a larger collection of bullies than online. They'll pop up in places you least expect, and you do not need anymore of that. Add this to misinformation and confirmation bias, and you may find more harm than healing.

Lastly, I have seen a lot penises and I can say, no matter your size, there will always be a bigger penis in the room. Sometimes, it's yours.

 

[Magdlyn]

KND, thanks for offering a guy's perspective. I didn't mean to imply that Rogue's questions were unusual. Even without the childhood bullying, we get men here all the time that want to impose a "one-penis policy" on their female (or vagina-having) partners, just because of this fear.

A search can be done for "one-penis policy" using our search bar to see just how often this comes up. Like, almost weekly. It means, a female partner can date, but only date other women, because her existing male partner in question is so lacking in confidence in his own masculinity and power, whether it's penis size, height, income, amount of hair, fitness, you name it. But he doesn't see other women as a threat. So if his gf is bisexual, he'll try and force her to agree to only date other women, whereas he can date her and other women himself.

(Plug in non-binary, pansexual, etc., as necessary.)

This thread is just another version on this theme, only with more specifics about penis size and uncertainty about sexual prowess/skills in general. To Rogue's credit, he is willing for his non-binary fiance (with a vagina) to date other men, but is sick to death about it from insecurity.

 

[RogueVillain]

KND, thanks for offering a guy's perspective. I didn't mean to imply that Rogue's questions were unusual. Even without the childhood bullying, we get men here all the time that want to impose a "one-penis policy" on their female (or vagina-having) partners, just because of this fear.

A search can be done for "one-penis policy" using our search bar to see just how often this comes up. Like, almost weekly. It means, a female partner can date, but only date other women, because her existing male partner in question is so lacking in confidence in his own masculinity and power, whether it's penis size, height, income, amount of hair, fitness, you name it. But he doesn't see other women as a threat. So if his gf is bisexual, he'll try and force her to agree to only date other women, whereas he can date her and other women himself.

(Plug in non-binary, pansexual, etc., as necessary.)

This thread is just another version on this theme, only with more specifics about penis size and uncertainty about sexual prowess/skills in general. To Rogue's credit, he is willing for his non-binary fiance (with a vagina) to date other men, but is sick to death about it from insecurity.

I may be sick to death with insecurities, but it’s not like I can help that. At least I’m not like these guys trying to put a one-penis policy. I’m actually trying to work through my trauma and insecurities, and what I’m understanding from what you’re saying is basically you think I am the same just because I’m having issues and reached out for help. Then you are no better than them.

 

[Magdlyn]

I may be sick to death with insecurities, but it’s not like I can help that. At least I’m not like these guys trying to put a one-penis policy. I’m actually trying to work through my trauma and insecurities. What I’m understanding from what you’re saying is basically you think I am the same, just because I’m having issues and reached out for help. Then you are no better than them.

Um... no? I was saying, you're not alone in your insecurity about penis size. That's meant to be reassuring, not pointing a finger and saying you're a uniquely terrible person. It's great you're not putting your issues onto your fiance by preventing them from dating men. You are one step ahead there. You're not bullying her, but you are bullying yourself. Someone is still being bullied, and that's not good.

Is that clearer?

 

[RogueVillain]

Um... no? I was saying, you're not alone in your insecurity about penis size. That's meant to be reassuring, not pointing a finger and saying you're a uniquely terrible person. It's great you're not putting your issues onto your fiance by preventing them from dating men. You are one step ahead there. You're not bullying her, but you are bullying yourself. Someone is still being bullied, and that's not good.

Is that clearer?

Yeah, it is. I’m sorry for lashing out when I misunderstood you. It’s not fair to you for me to do that just bc I’m having bad feelings and thoughts.

idk how to make it stop. I don’t have access to therapy right now, because I have no insurance, and am struggling finding a job, and am basically homeless.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello RogueVillain,

It sounds like the most reassuring thing that could happen, is for your fiancé to demonstrate by actions that they still love and desire you, even with another man in the picture. Every man is different, and brings something irreplaceable to the table.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.

 

[FeralGeek]

This is, unfortunately, a “you problem” in terms of polyamory. Insecurity is a huge deal, but someone else being different than you (and your partner appreciating that fact) is kind of what being poly is all about.

The good thing is that it is, as some kinder folk than me have pointed out, never simply, MERELY about the bodies involved, although sex is often the erotic icing on the polyamorous cake; some poly relationships don’t feature sex at all, let alone penises.

The second good thing is that this is something that also has little to do with your own body and more to do with your mental health, which can be addressed in ways the physical body cannot. Sounds like you could do with some boosts to your self-esteem and you may want to mention to a professional how much anxiety measuring yourself caused.

Also, you’re gonna be ok! I am friends with a metamour who is “smaller” than me, and I am jealous of plenty of other parts of him.

 

[MeeraReed]

My last partner was larger than average, and his girth was SIGNIFICANTLY larger than average, yet he was still convinced that his dick is small.

I asked him if he had ever actually seen other men's dicks outside of porn, and he admitted that his concept of dick size came exclusively from porn.

Where all the dicks are in the top 1% of size. <<Sigh.>>

If your partner says you're above average, believe them.

 

[dingedheart]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

Hi, it’s my first time in a poly relationship and I’m having some insecurities. I’m struggling on figuring out how to process and deal with them.

My fiancé and I have been in a relationship for going on two years, and have been engaged for a little over a year. I was previously mono, but had ideas of open relationship without knowing very much about it except that it doesn’t bother me.

Have you set a date for the wedding? I'd strongly suggest you get the structure of your relationship nailed down before you tie the knot, because it’s expensive after the fact.

I'd also strongly suggest both you and your fiancé take some time to educate yourselves on some of the practical or logistical pitfalls you might encounter.

I have spent most of my life being bullied and having rumors spread about me, much of which caused me to never get a girlfriend while in school. Some of the insecurities have carried over from then and are resurfacing, and social programming is not helping either. One of the big ones is about my size. I have never measured it, and I’m honestly scared to. My fiancé tells me I’m above average, but you know how it is. But I know I haven’t struggled to please anybody. But due to my own thoughts getting in my way, I struggle to get off sometimes and struggle to stay erect unless I can visibly and audibly tell that I am pleasing my partner.

Penis size or girth or whatever physical characteristic are object measurement to quickly confirm a false narrative in your head.
The reality, as others have suggested, is tool size is just one factor in the grand scheme of passion arts. Erotic energy, erotic creativity, pacing, learning, having fun. It’s possible for some big dicked dudes to be lazy and perhaps boring, thinking that all they needed to do is a few pumps from their big sticks and that’s good enough.

IMO, your worry shouldn’t be a guy or guys with bigger dicks, it’s guys with bigger dicks who are in great shape and know how to use them, which unfortunately, is a downside to opening any relationship on either side of the equation, male or female. Some people are naturally more athletic, more confident, less inhibited, and easily create an energy or chemistry that matches well with their partner, and it becomes explosive.

And with the proliferation of little blue pills and enhancement supplements, who knows who’s “cheating“ and who just needs help?

I am very well aware of the fact that there is the possibility that my fiancé could find a relationship with a more endowed man than me. We have both had previous relationships with others during our relationship, and had oral encounters, but it had never progressed further than that. But now my fiancé has a boyfriend... and I’m struggling with thoughts of if he is bigger or not.

I'd carefully screen all questions regarding sex that you might have in terms of whether you can REALLY handle the truth, or rather, will the truth make things harder for you in the bedroom? Instead of going to share a moment of intimacy and fun, are you going in trying to defend your job and trying to not get cut from the team?

Unless things turn negative, or you feel some disconnect in your sex life, why go looking for trouble? Relax and have fun.