I never got NRE with my nesting partner

[Drunksniper1958]

My nesting partner and I have been together for just over ten years. Recently, he's gotten a girlfriend. I'm all for that mentally but when I physically see him being sweet to her, buying her flowers and taking her to dinner, I can't help but feel resentful that he was never like that with me. He's bought me flowers twice the entire time we've been together and he's gotten her some at least three times and they haven't even been together a year. He cared about their 6-month anniversary whereas he and I never had a start date to our relationship because he pushed me away so hard in the begining. I should have left then before my life and his became entangled but here we are and I'm jealous. Call me toxic if you want for saying this but it's bullshit that I didn't get to have a very basic part of my relationship and now I'm watching him doing all the things I'd wish he had done for me.

 

[Magdlyn]

Have you and your nesting partner been polyamorous from the beginning of your relationship? Has he experienced NRE with others? Have you?

 

[Drunksniper1958]

One of our first sexual encounters with each other involved another couple, so I don't think we've ever been monogamous. He's clearly feeling it with her, and has been the entire time they've been together.

I remember feeling some type of way when we first met, but all the excitement was being tamed down by the fact that he didn't want to be in a relationship at all, let alone with me. I have felt NRE with others, I guess I'm just sad we didn't have this charmed little life together, ever. It's always been hard to be with him, but he makes being with her look so easy, like it's natural and he's actively going against the grain to even be with me. I might be in my head about this, but he gives me a lot of room to speculate and fester within these feelings. When I bring up issues I have with how he's dating, he brushes me off or gets hella defensive to the point that he just shuts down and I can't have a conversation with him. Idk. I'm just kinda fed up with it at this point

 

[Magdlyn]

One of our first sexual encounters with each other involved another couple, so I don't think we've ever been monogamous.

It sounds like you've been ethically non-monogamous, but the issues of fond feelings and love, and expressing those feelings with each other and with other partners has not been satisfactorily addressed. Is that right?

He's clearly feeling it with her, and has been the entire time they've been together. I remember feeling some type of way when we first met, but all the excitement was being tamed down by the fact that he didn't want to be in a relationship at all, let alone with me.

Why are you living long term with a guy who didn't want to be in a relationship with you?

I have felt NRE with others. I guess I'm just sad we didn't have this charmed little life together, ever. It's always been hard to be with him.

It sounds like you're not at all happy with the way your 10-year relationship has gone.

He makes being with her look so easy, like it's natural. And he's actively going against the grain to even be with me.

That doesn't sound like a great place for you to be in.

I might be in my head about this, but he gives me a lot of room to speculate and fester within these feelings. When I bring up issues I have with how he's dating, he brushes me off, or gets hella defensive, to the point that he just shuts down, and I can't have a conversation with him.

You really can't successfully practice polyamory, or ENM, and expect to feel happy and fulfilled, without open and honest communication, respect, etc.

I'm just kinda fed up with it at this point.

I don't blame you. You sound done. You sound like you want something better, and maybe suspect you deserve something better. Is that right?

 

[Magdlyn]

He and I never had a start date to our relationship because he pushed me away so hard in the beginning. I should have left then, before my life and his became entangled. But here we are, and I'm jealous. Call me toxic, if you want, for saying this, but it's bullshit that I didn't get to have a very basic part of my relationship and now I'm watching him doing all the things I'd wish he had done for me.

No one here is going to call you names such as toxic. That goes against our rules. Has he called you toxic? Has someone else called you toxic?

If you want a better relationship, you have every right to leave this one and find one that is more joyful and fulfilling.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry this is happening like this.

It sounds like you accepted a meh relationship with him believing he didn't have it him him. And now you see that he does -- he just didn't want to do it with you.

Maybe it helps you to see what you wrote in a bullet list. Here is what stuck out to me.

• when I physically see him being sweet to her, buying her flowers and taking her to dinner, I can't help but feel resentful that he was never like that with me.
  • I remember feeling some type of way when we first met, but all the excitement was being tamed down by the fact that he didn't want to be in a relationship at all, let alone with me.
  • He's bought me flowers twice the entire time we've been together and he's gotten her some at least three times and they haven't even been together a year.
  • He cared about their 6-month anniversary whereas he and I never had a start date to our relationship because he pushed me away so hard in the begining.
  • he makes being with her look so easy, like it's natural and he's actively going against the grain to even be with me.
• I should have left then before my life and his became entangled
  • it's bullshit that I didn't get to have a very basic part of my relationship and now I'm watching him doing all the things I'd wish he had done for me.
  • I have felt NRE with others, I guess I'm just sad we didn't have this charmed little life together, ever.
  • It's always been hard to be with him
  • he makes being with her look so easy, like it's natural and he's actively going against the grain to even be with me.
  • When I bring up issues I have with how he's dating, he brushes me off or gets hella defensive to the point that he just shuts down
  • I can't have a conversation with him.
  • I'm just kinda fed up with it at this point

Since you didn't leave him back then, and the relationship with him today is still blah, it's ok to leave him NOW. You could decide not to put any more time, energy, or investment into this, because the relationship has been such a poor return.

Maybe this helps you discern:

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Feeling unhappy in or unsure about your relationship? Having problems you don’t know how to work through, or don’t even know if you should? We’ll talk you through making these choices, including how-to’s on conflict resolution and doing breakups better.

www.scarleteen.com

You don't sound like you are treated well in this relationship. And you deserve to be treated WELL. You don't have to keep settling for meh or scraps from him.

It sounds like being on your own would be more peaceful than dealing in all this poor treatment from him. If you think about life without him... after the initial breakup stuff... would it feel like RELIEF?

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Drunksniper1958,

I am sorry you did not get to experience NRE with your nesting partner; it is very sad (and highly unusual) to miss out on that. Your nesting partner should have done special things for you like he is doing for his girlfriend now. His double standard is completely unfair. He should not have pushed you away so hard in the beginning; he should have allowed you to have a start date with him. In short, you need to tell him that he owes you the same kind of consideration he is giving his girlfriend.

I seem to remember an earlier thread where he has sabotaged every meaningful relationship you've had outside of him. In other words, he has a history of treating you like crap. The only reason you're still with him now is because your life and his became entangled. Now he has put you in a situation where you have to feel jealous, and I don't blame you. I wish you could get disentangled.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

 

[Tinwen]

This is way worse then not getting NRE. Plenty of people get into relationships for other reasons then "falling in love". Some are aromantic. Some get a very slow burn of fond feelings, never the flare. Some just agree to try it together because they want a family. It can work.

This is getting together with a partner that actively did NOT want you and isn't being nice to you.

How does one end up in a relationship one doesn't choose?
Did he stay because you were pregnant? Do you perhaps speak from a different cultural context?