My partner has ruined all my past relationships

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Drunksniper1958

New member
My partner and I have never been fully monogamous with each other in our ten years together. In that time, however, he has sabotaged every meaningful relationship I've had outside of him. At this point, I don't even feel NRE with people because he has trained me to not get attached like that because he's just going to do something that ruins it. Whether it's reading my phone and sending texts without my permission or not letting me spend just one night with my former boyfriend (in an attempt to save our relationship) because he'll "be sad." Even with my current partner I didn't feel that excitement because in the back of my mind I'm just waiting for him to do something that ruins this one too. And turn about is not fair play, if I even consider doing something that jeopardizes their relationship I'm shut down entirely. I hate this. I don't know what to do.
 
I'm sorry you deal in this. While it sounds like it is happening in a poly context, this isn't about actual polyamory. This sounds like it's an unhealthy or abusive relationship. :(

I don't know if it helps you to see it like a bullet list. But this is what I get reading your post.
  • He has sabotaged every meaningful relationship I've had outside of him.
    • He has trained me to not get attached to new people (or excited about NRE with them) because he's just going to do something that ruins it
    • In the back of my mind I'm just waiting for him to do something that ruins my current relationship
  • He does poor behaviors.
    • he reads my phone without permission
    • he sends texts from my phone without my permission
    • he doesn't let me spend the night with my other partners because he'll "be sad." (Basically emotional manipulation)
  • I think about doing same bad behaviors to him
  • He shuts me down completely
This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.


I hate this. I don't know what to do.
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I think it might be time to break up with this partner because you hate being here and hate this. So don't be. Your consent to participate in things or not belongs to YOU. If you no longer consent to be here, get out. It might take time and money to leave, if you are very entangled, but you could decide to be done with him today. You could decide to start planning your safe leaving plan. But be careful. The leaving time is a dangerous time, especially with the ones who are all "If I can't have you, no one can!" Scary.

www.thehotline.org

Create Your Personal Safety Plan

Use our interactive safety planning tool to create your personal safety plan. This series of questions help survivors identify their options.
www.thehotline.org www.thehotline.org

I normally encourage honesty and truthfulness, but if you are in an abusive-sounding relationship, all bets are off. You do not owe people who are HARMING you anything. If you have to lie, cheat, steal, or be "fake nice" just to make it to escape day, you do what you gotta do.

Depending how bad you have it there, you might consider talking to a hotline and/or a counselor so you can leave, and STAY gone, and not get sucked back in. Especially if he knows how to play on your soft feelings for him, and manipulates you because he "gets sad," you will need support to NOT listen to that anymore so you can stay gone.

Internet people might be able to help you with one or two things, but this sounds serious. Here are some hotlines for appropriate help:

https://www.thehotline.org

List of domestic violence hotlines - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org en.wikipedia.org

I'm sorry you are dealing in this, though. I hope you can get out okay. :(

Galagirl
 
I'd like to piggyback on what GG said. If this is abusive or not, I'd recommend therapy to work on finding your voice and establishing boundaries.
Drunksniper1958 said:
Whether it's reading my phone and sending texts without my permission
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Phones have passwords. Why did you give it to him? When he violated your privacy, did you change it? Does he insist on having access?
Drunksniper1958 said:
not letting me spend just one night with my former boyfriend (in an attempt to save our relationship) because he'll "be sad."
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It's okay for him to be sad. Why did you put his feelings over your own? You aren't responsible for his feelings. If you are in a poly relationship he will need to learn to be okay when you are away and work through sadness, jealousy, etc. To be clear, you CHOSE to end that date. He didn't make you. You can say he didn't LET you, but unless he tied you up and prevented you from physically leaving the house, or threatened you with bodily harm, you chose to stay because you felt guilty about him being sad more than you felt bad about breaking your date.
Drunksniper1958 said:
Even with my current partner, I didn't feel that excitement, because in the back of my mind I'm just waiting for him to do something that ruins this one too.
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But why do you let him influence your decisions like that?

At this point, you've been a doormat to him so much that you can't even feel free to have other relationships. Maybe he is abusive and you need to get out. Maybe you have poor boundaries and suck at enforcing them and sticking up for yourself. Maybe both are true. Regardless, you will need therapy to become more self assured, work on your self esteem and heal from any abuse, if that's what's going on.
 
I'll never get over how some couples allow each other complete access to their phones. Or they don't allow it, but leave their phones non-password protected, or give each other the passwords.

In polyamory, every dyad deserves its own privacy. I tell my partners personal things I wouldn't want them telling their other partner. Likewise, they might tell me things that are none of my other partner's business. It might be sexual things, or it might just be other sensitive, embarrassing or personal topics, like, they peed the bed until they were 12, or they have dentures, or something.

We can have open and honest conversations about our own dynamics in each dyad without oversharing details of the other partner's life, or, worse, leaving our phones open for outright snooping-- violations of personal space without all parties' consent.

And I agree with the above posters about overnights. Your nesting partner doesn't get to "allow" you to do this or not do that. You two are equals. He's not your authority figure. You can ask for his consent to go on date overnight, and as long as he doesn't literally need you, you can just go. Part of poly is being okay with being alone and finding other things to do when our partner is on a date with someone else. Otherwise, it's not poly. It's about control and insecurity. If your NP makes your life miserable when you go out on a date with someone else, you shouldn't be doing poly with him. That will entail leaving him, if it is in your true nature to be poly.
 
I have the majority of Jules passwords and she has mine. I know my metamour's phone password. Think he might know mine, too.

The thing is, there is nearly never a reason for me to go into the private conversations of her and other people. Or his. Especially if they're not there as well. I did it about a week ago but she was driving and I wasn't and we needed a more specific location from the invitation text in her phone.

It's just that she is logged into some accounts that we both need to access on occasion on her devices and I'm not because I mostly use my phone space for work/research related things.

On my metamour's, he has the app which controls all the smart devices in the house. So I sometimes have to go into that to set schedules or alarms and he just got fed up with needing to get me into it all the time.

I could go and see everything that is in their phone, but there is no need or desire. Sharing passwords was a convenience, not a relationship milestone.
 
We share pass codes to phones...mainly as above sometimes it's needed when we are just doing 'stuff' driving, playing music etc. I think also if anything happened to me then it can be accessed for contacts. I still can not remember my nesting partners pass code. Even tho I have been told it a million times!
 
One of the first things Adam told me is that his phone is sacrosanct. Sure, I have the passcode for if he's lying in a hospital bed unconscious and I need to contact people, and he has mine too for the same reason, but other than that...nope.

But as for the OP, I'm with everyone else one this...Dude is not poly, he's a manipulative, controlling, insecure boy. DTMFA and go live your best life.
 
Hello Drunksniper1958,

My first thought is that you need to break up with your partner. My second thought is that if you don't break up with him, you should start putting your foot down and standing up for yourself. He'll be sad if you spend one night with your former boyfriend? I don't feel sorry for him. Let him be sad, it won't kill him. And take steps to protect your phone from him, he obviously doesn't have enough sense or respect for you to use his access to your phone in an appropriate manner. In short, stop letting him ruin your relationships. If that means breaking up with him, so be it. He's ruining your life.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Evie said:
One of the first things Adam told me is that his phone is sacrosanct. Sure, I have the passcode for if he's lying in a hospital bed unconscious and I need to contact people, and he has mine too for the same reason, but other than that...nope.

But as for the OP, I'm with everyone else one this...Dude is not poly, he's a manipulative, controlling, insecure boy. DTMFA and go live your best life.
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Pixi also has had a huge aversion to sharing phones for our entire 15 1/2 year relationship. We share bank PINs because our finances are partially mingled, and we entirely trust each other as far as money goes. But relationships, friendships, etc.? We keep everyone separate, we don't look at each other's conversations with others, we don't even read what other people said to us out loud, verbatim. At most, we paraphrase.
 
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