Polycurious_Adam
Active member
I joined this community just a few days ago, looking for a place to learn about polyamory. I wanted to connect with people who embrace this lifestyle. I wanted a place to feel socially accepted in my choice to try it for myself. I was scared - I felt like I was risking loosing something important to me.
Then I had an epiphany. The support and compassion I've gotten from the few people I've talked to here, along with the same love and understanding from my wife, helped me to turn a corner. I realized that all of the negative emotions I felt when I thought about my wife having feelings for someone else were rooted in my possessiveness and codependence. For three solid days, I've been on cloud nine! I've been bursting with NRE, and it feels so good. Everything started to become clear, anything was possible!
I started to feel like the prodigal kung-fu hero, appearing at the temple gates in a snow white robe. I'm enlightened, I can do anything!
We've been talking about this transition for days, sharing our feelings and making plans to move forward, ever so carefully. Since I'm the one with the hang ups, the plan is for me to start thinking of myself as single again. Go out and meet some people, make some connections, and see that it doesn't make me love my wife any less. It all makes sense, and I feel so positive!
I was sharing my thoughts with my wife last night, and getting so high on the way I was feeling. I told her how I was feeling indestructible, and that I was going to be counting on her to keep me from jumping off the cliff before I'm emotionally ready. I feel ready! We had a solid plan, but I told her that the way I'm feeling right now, I'd be fine with her going out on a date tonight! I know that would be foolhardy in my fragile and rapidly changing state of mind, but I really felt it! It felt so good! And then it happened. She told me that she has already started feeling a romantic connection with someone in her rapidly growing circle of friends. She's been talking to him a lot lately, and this is why she brought up the idea of polyamory!
Betrayal!!!
I should have known.
They've been planning this the whole time! She tricked me into thinking that this was about MY happiness and fulfillment! She manipulated my emotions so I would be trapped into accepting her disloyalty! This isn't right!
I've felt these feelings before. I know how to push them down, put on a happy face, and play nice until I can feel numb to it again. I am actually well rehearsed at bottling up my pain and swallowing it whole.
I'm so confused! My acceptance felt so ... real! And now I feel like I'm right back where I started!
For anyone reading this and feeling concern for me, please keep reading. I am trying to make you worry - partly out of a need for attention, and partly because I'm an artist at heart. Inspiring emotions in others makes me feel like I am connecting, and that's important for me right now. A lot of the advice I've gotten revolves around openly communicating what I feel, as I feel it. It's good advice. I think you'll be happy to know that I listened!
I talked to my wife. I told her I felt betrayed. I told her I was jealous. I told her everything! I didn't hold anything back!
I know she didn't do anything wrong. In fact she did everything right! She caught feels, and then made the choice to not squash them down, as she has done in the past to spare my feelings. She set out to see if I could accept it. She talked to me about polyamory. She waited for me to accept the idea with my whole heart. And then, when she told me why she did it, that she and another were connecting and benefiting from their shared feelings, and when I felt my confidence pop like a soap bubble ...
She listened.
She validated my feelings. She sat with me while I cried and told her about everything that hurt. She explained why she did things the way that she did, and how she understands how I feel. She made me feel safe while I dealt with my emotions. I actually dealt with my emotions! I don't think I've ever done that before!
She knew this was going to hurt me. She knew it would scare me. She obviously wants me to happy, and she's really, wholly there for me when I need her! She's amazing! She's brave, honest, steadfast and strong! And most importantly, she loves me! She really, really loves me!
I should have known!
Then I had an epiphany. The support and compassion I've gotten from the few people I've talked to here, along with the same love and understanding from my wife, helped me to turn a corner. I realized that all of the negative emotions I felt when I thought about my wife having feelings for someone else were rooted in my possessiveness and codependence. For three solid days, I've been on cloud nine! I've been bursting with NRE, and it feels so good. Everything started to become clear, anything was possible!
I started to feel like the prodigal kung-fu hero, appearing at the temple gates in a snow white robe. I'm enlightened, I can do anything!
We've been talking about this transition for days, sharing our feelings and making plans to move forward, ever so carefully. Since I'm the one with the hang ups, the plan is for me to start thinking of myself as single again. Go out and meet some people, make some connections, and see that it doesn't make me love my wife any less. It all makes sense, and I feel so positive!
I was sharing my thoughts with my wife last night, and getting so high on the way I was feeling. I told her how I was feeling indestructible, and that I was going to be counting on her to keep me from jumping off the cliff before I'm emotionally ready. I feel ready! We had a solid plan, but I told her that the way I'm feeling right now, I'd be fine with her going out on a date tonight! I know that would be foolhardy in my fragile and rapidly changing state of mind, but I really felt it! It felt so good! And then it happened. She told me that she has already started feeling a romantic connection with someone in her rapidly growing circle of friends. She's been talking to him a lot lately, and this is why she brought up the idea of polyamory!
Betrayal!!!
I should have known.
They've been planning this the whole time! She tricked me into thinking that this was about MY happiness and fulfillment! She manipulated my emotions so I would be trapped into accepting her disloyalty! This isn't right!
I've felt these feelings before. I know how to push them down, put on a happy face, and play nice until I can feel numb to it again. I am actually well rehearsed at bottling up my pain and swallowing it whole.
I'm so confused! My acceptance felt so ... real! And now I feel like I'm right back where I started!
For anyone reading this and feeling concern for me, please keep reading. I am trying to make you worry - partly out of a need for attention, and partly because I'm an artist at heart. Inspiring emotions in others makes me feel like I am connecting, and that's important for me right now. A lot of the advice I've gotten revolves around openly communicating what I feel, as I feel it. It's good advice. I think you'll be happy to know that I listened!
I talked to my wife. I told her I felt betrayed. I told her I was jealous. I told her everything! I didn't hold anything back!
I know she didn't do anything wrong. In fact she did everything right! She caught feels, and then made the choice to not squash them down, as she has done in the past to spare my feelings. She set out to see if I could accept it. She talked to me about polyamory. She waited for me to accept the idea with my whole heart. And then, when she told me why she did it, that she and another were connecting and benefiting from their shared feelings, and when I felt my confidence pop like a soap bubble ...
She listened.
She validated my feelings. She sat with me while I cried and told her about everything that hurt. She explained why she did things the way that she did, and how she understands how I feel. She made me feel safe while I dealt with my emotions. I actually dealt with my emotions! I don't think I've ever done that before!
She knew this was going to hurt me. She knew it would scare me. She obviously wants me to happy, and she's really, wholly there for me when I need her! She's amazing! She's brave, honest, steadfast and strong! And most importantly, she loves me! She really, really loves me!
I should have known!