I wanna be mono again.

Please, please get counseling on your own. For your sanity and to have a future, you desperately need to sort this out with a professional therapist, not a bunch of folks on the internet. It doesn't matter if she won't go - go anyway. In fact, as she is abusive to you, many people don't recommend going to couples counseling with an abusive partner as they can attempt to subvert therapy to their own ends.

Look, the question I ask next is not really relevant to you right now but it's something I wonder about. Has your relationship always been dysfunctional and you, perhaps, didn't notice because it was normal for you? Sometimes people have radical personality changes and become abusive when they were not before. Sometimes it's related to mental illness. And sometimes circumstances change and hidden personality traits come out in response - I wonder if this piss-poor version of poly (looks like she's the only one who's truly happy about it - ok, maybe the other husband) allowed these ugly parts of her to come to the fore after being repressed for decades. (And being from a 'cult' background, well that doesn't help.) But more often, there are clues - often only obvious in hindsight! - that someone is not quite what they seem. Has she ever listened to you? Has she always, or consistently, put you down? Did the poly situation make those traits exaggerated and more obvious to you? I wonder.

This is not to say you are responsible for her abuse. YOU ARE NOT. You have been victimized. Others have noted that this is something you do have control over. Stop doing what you do not want to do. You feel trapped. However, in reality, you are not trapped. You have the keys in your hand. Yes, the consequences are that your marriage may end. But your marriage has been dead for a long time. I am so sorry.

Finally, as a side note, when you talk about having sex with the other wife, who is also empathetic and sympathetic and giving, but you would really rather do just about anything else, well, know that she *knows* that you would really rather not fuck her and you are doing so in some fucked up way to appease your fucked up wife. She knows. Someone that tuned in emotionally knows what is really going on. I don't know why she is tolerating being fucked by someone who doesn't really want her. Maybe she thinks it will help with your wife. That's her issue. But please stop. It may be unintentionally cruel to her and it is definitely deeply damaging to you.
 
Re (from reluctantlypoly):
"I don't want a divorce. I want my wife back."
Click to expand...

Hmmm. You don't have to get a divorce, but I don't think you're going to "get your wife back" either. I mean you've told her, many times, point blank, that you don't want poly in your life anymore. And each time she has outright refused to give poly up. So I don't think she's going to do it. I can't think of any possible way to convince her.

Re:
"She broke me. Hard. And then she made it my fault that she broke me and that broke me harder cause I believed it and I still believe it. There was emotional and even physical abuse ..."
Click to expand...

When did this happen (or start happening)? Was this before you guys started trying poly, or after?
 
I'm talking to my wife tonight. I talked to #2 a couple weeks ago, but I think she thought I wasn't serious. She knows now that I'm serious. I'm not going to do that to her. I care too much about her to keep lying to her, and she has "always known" anyway. Some of it she's taking personally, which is ok, I understand. She understands and I think we'll maintain a good friendship.

My wife is the wild card though. I'm extremely nervous.
 
What will you say to her?
 
Relationship so toxic the president has nationally canceled Valentine's Day

I'm sorry you had to go through this and I hope that you're able to transition out of your relationship goes easily. Based on how you put it, you feel you're emotionally abused. No one should be in that position with someone they trust and care about.

I understand it's not easy. You have children and you must still love your wife, but you have to get out of a relationship that isn't working. I feel like that's what you plan on doing.

It's not the end of it, you've invested a lot in this relationship and it's been a significant part of your life. Should it come to an end, just try not to sink into depression and try to stay hopeful and optimistic when you can and understand that feelings of depression and self-pity will be temporary and natural when you struggle with them.

Good luck.
 
There is a lot of questions I should answer but I'm at work and replying on my phone. I'm going to tell my wife what I've been telling her; that as much as my head wishes I could do this for her my heart can't. That it's not her, it's not this other couple, it's me. I'm not wired for it.

I worship my wife. I've put my happiness, my kids to an extent and my life on hold while we've done this because her happiness is/was the most important thing to me. I want her to be happy, if she can't be happy with just me then so be it. That will be hard.
 
That does sound hard. I'll cross my fingers for it to go as well as can be expected.
 
I sat her down and said my piece. First of all it was in the bedroom and she had told one of our kids (special needs child, Downs Syndrome) that she could watch a movie on our TV. I told her I would prefer it if she weren't in the room and we could talk about it and then watch a movie with her. My wife wouldn't budge, wanted to talk on the bed right next to daughter. Eventually I got her to move to a different part of the room (I'm rambling) and she sat down and I said my piece.

I think she kinda knew it was coming. But she didn't say anything except a snide remark here and there. And at the end she said, "I told you in the beginning that if you couldn't do it, you shouldn't." And I said, "but I had to try for you. And I couldn't know if I couldn't do it till I tried. I'm not going to lie to #2 anymore, she can see it and feel it and has seen and felt it since the beginning, and that's not fair to her." She got up and started to walk off and I said, "I love you." She said, "I know" and started walking off again, I touched her hand and said, "I love you more than anything." And she said, "You already told me that." And she went into the bathroom and I went downstairs after taking our daughter out of the room, drank a bunch of bourbon, and watched sharknado with the kids (stupid movie).

I haven't heard a word from her since. I hope she's ok.

"She broke me. Hard. And then she made it my fault that she broke me and that broke me harder cause I believed it and I still believe it. There was emotional and even physical abuse ..."
Click to expand...
When did this happen (or start happening)? Was this before you guys started trying poly, or after?
Click to expand...

This was all after we got into it. Somehow someway after we got into it she started taking taking taking, a lot of it had to do with the IUD she had in and her hormones being all out of whack. And then when I would try and point things out or say, "this is making me uncomfortable" she would fly into a rage. One time she did it in front of our kids and I begged her to just wait, wait till they got out of the car (we were driving home from her brother's place) and she didn't. And even though I didn't reply to anything she said she kept talking and yelling and screaming, and I kept turning around and looking at the kids saying, "we love you. I love you. Everything is fine." And she kept raging. It was awful. And it was her fault, but I take everything on my shoulders because it's who I am, I can walk in anyone's shoes and see their side of things... it's what makes me a great nurse, but with her I don't just walk in her shoes and see her side of things, I absorb them and make them my own.

Look, the question I ask next is not really relevant to you right now but it's something I wonder about. Has your relationship always been dysfunctional and you, perhaps, didn't notice because it was normal for you? Sometimes people have radical personality changes and become abusive when they were not before. Sometimes it's related to mental illness. And sometimes circumstances change and hidden personality traits come out in response - I wonder if this piss-poor version of poly (looks like she's the only one who's truly happy about it - ok, maybe the other husband) allowed these ugly parts of her to come to the fore after being repressed for decades. (And being from a 'cult' background, well that doesn't help.) But more often, there are clues - often only obvious in hindsight! - that someone is not quite what they seem. Has she ever listened to you? Has she always, or consistently, put you down? Did the poly situation make those traits exaggerated and more obvious to you? I wonder.
Click to expand...

I don't think so. She's from a different culture altogether, raised with only brothers (I was raised with a lot of sisters), so she does things differently in general. Showing emotion isn't really something they do, but she did with me. My dad did something similar to my mom when I was about 9-10. I knew something was going on between the two of them, I didn't know what, but instinctively I knew that they weren't doing well. Later as an adult my mom told me about it, and the way she described it was a classic mid-life crisis response. From a clinical stand-point what my wife is doing and did is classic mid-life crisis. But before that she was a sweet, beautiful woman. She still is by all counts and measures, but now there's an extra element that convolutes things.

You mention hiding abuse from coworkers -- do you also hide it form the couple?
Click to expand...

No. In fact they knew almost everything.

Quote:
Originally Posted by reluctantlypoly View Post
In the beginning we tried all 4 of us in the same room at the same time, but the other female is almost the same way I am except she knows that if she told her husband she was done that he would say, "ok, cool with me." And that really would be it. It would end right there for him and they would be fine.
Click to expand...
So, why doesn't she end it if that's what she wants?
Click to expand...

#2 really really likes me. In a lot of ways she's a lot like my wife. She, in a way, selfishly wanted me to herself.

Quote:
Originally Posted by reluctantlypoly View Post
Me and my wife on the other hand, not so much.
Click to expand...
What do you think would happen if the other couple opted out? Would your wife go trolling for fresh meat? Or would she at least listen if you said, "Let's take some time to reconnect?"
Click to expand...

I think eventually, if my wife gets over this and sticks with me, she's going to want to go trolling for fresh meat. I told her I'm more than willing to try different things sexually with her, but please don't ask me to share her with someone else, I can't do it. I hope she says, because she said it a couple weeks ago when she was drunk, that she wants to reconnect and that I'm the most important thing to her.
 
No offense meant, reluctantlypoly, but I'm not sure why you stay. Your description of your wife is not very flattering. She's used the kids on multiple occasions, as a shield when discussing grown up topics. She rages at you in front of them. She broke you. Refuses to listen to you. It sounds very dysfunctional. Are you certain she doesn't have an addiction or mental illness?


reluctantlypoly said:
I haven't heard a word from her since. I hope she's ok.
Click to expand...

She's telling you with her words and actions what she wants. I think you need to listen to her actions. Her needs and wants take precedence over the needs and wants of her family. If she's not willing to look at her own part in this, then I don't see a way for you to stay together that is healthy and nurturing for you and your kids.

I agree with the others, go to counseling alone. Divorce is not easy. And, yes, it does affect the children, but so does living in a home full of tension and dysfunction. Our children grow up thinking that's normal and they choose similar dysfunctional relationships and round and round goes the cycle. Unless someone stops it. That's not a judgment. I did the same. Divorce wasn't easy but two years later and we're all much happier than before (including my ex), and my children no longer think it's healthy or normal to live in the chaos that was our home pre-divorce.
 
reluctantlypoly said:
I told her I'm more than willing to try different things sexually with her, but please don't ask me to share her with someone else, I can't do it.
Click to expand...

Your wife isn't your property. She is an adult who can decide who she shares her body and life with.

You paint your wife in a very nasty light here. While you make yourself sound like a saint.

There is an old saying there is three sides to every story. Yours theirs and then the truth. I would love to hear your wife's side.
 
Dagferi said:
Your wife isn't your property. She is an adult who can decide who she shares her body and life with.
Click to expand...

Thank you for the dissent. She's not my property. I've worked pretty hard to make her comfortable enough with herself (I'm her second husband, her first was very controlling and very abusive to her) and this is the only thing I've ever sat down and said, "I can't do it." If she can't live with that then I have to live with that.

You paint your wife in a very nasty light here. While you make yourself sound like a saint.
Click to expand...

I'm not. I've lied to all of them the past 2+ years. I've lied to myself. And the nasty things she did were were all snap-shots in time and I've tried really hard with myself not to paint our entire relationship based on a number of snap-shots. There are plenty more times where she's been wonderful, but in the context of what I'm bringing up here it's not very relevant. I'm far from perfect.

There is an old saying there is three sides to every story. Yours theirs and then the truth. I would love to hear your wife's side.
Click to expand...

you and me both. She doesn't' communicate much of anything with me. Actually this is why I wanted to try counseling with her; I'm hyper aware that I'm only one side of the story and that I'm seeing things through a very skewed light. If we had an unconnected objective 3rd party I would love love love to hash it out and actually get her side of the story and hopefully she would listen to mine.

Again, I appreciate the dissent. Thank you.
 
Reluctantpoly, you've got every characteristic of a deeply enmeshed co-dependent. The only thing that's missing the "the substance" but otherwise, what you're describing is a life lived completely in reaction to other people and attempts to please with an inner core of self respect and self knowledge that is nonexistent (going by what you write here.) Your wife, the drama, the other couple, the kids - none of it will turn around until you turn around, and for that reason, you need to seek guidance in a therapist that is very, very rooted in codependency counseling. Such a therapist will work with you and you alone. Right now, you're living and dying, rising and falling on your wife's behavior and as you know, that makes for a very unstable and rocky ride. You do not need (and in fact, should not seek) marriage counseling with her but instead focus on your own therapy. Nothing comes of trying to get other people to change because other people simply reflect what we've got going on inside. The blame and the drama and the outrageous behavior are all just distractions from the fact that if anything is going to change here, you need to work on you. Find a good codependency counselor and go alone.
 
reluctantlypoly said:
There is a lot of questions I should answer but I'm at work and replying on my phone. I'm going to tell my wife what I've been telling her; that as much as my head wishes I could do this for her my heart can't. That it's not her, it's not this other couple, it's me. I'm not wired for it.

I worship my wife. I've put my happiness, my kids to an extent and my life on hold while we've done this because her happiness is/was the most important thing to me. I want her to be happy, if she can't be happy with just me then so be it. That will be hard.
Click to expand...

it definitely sounds like you should leave and find someone who wants to be monogamous with you. i cant imagine marrying someone thinking that the vows that we made to be monogamous and to forsake all others would suddenly be broken. People say "it's her body to do with, she's not property" but when you enter into a monogamous marriage and make those vows that is what you are agreeing to. She may have decided that she doesnt want to follow through with the agreement but that doesnt mean that you have to stay with her and put up with it. You can find someone else who wants the same things you want.
 
Hi reluctantlypoly,

Sounds like your talk with your wife didn't go all that great, not that we expected otherwise. What happens next? Do you just wait and see what she does? How long will you wait?
 
I am glad you had the talk.

I am sorry she wanted to use the kid to "buffer" with -- because it sounds like she didn't really want to have the conversation. It also sounds like in the past she's exploded in front of the kids. That's not cool.

Do you have plans to see a counselor on your own? I hope so. I really think that would be best in this situation. You need help on the local level.

Hang in there!
Galagirl
 
I am sorry this is so hard. You are an empath, but it seems you take it too far for you own good.

But I want to bring up the possible hormonal imbalance you said the IUD caused, which seemed to cause uncontrollable rages. I recall one other female poster here talking about how artificial hormones caused her a lot of trouble in her relationships. Did she have that removed?

I hope there is some chance your wife will at least calm down and figure out how to do healthy relationships, but in the meantime, you need support from a counselor so you can draw healthy boundaries with a seeming rageaholic, with non-existent communication skills. Nurses and doctors are notorious for crappy self care, as I am sure you know.

Saying "I love you" a lot to her, and "We love you, everything is OK" to the kids is pointless, imo. She can't hear or feel your love. And the kids KNOW everything is far from OK.
 
So it happened. you know I told her and things didn't go so well. Never once did I attempt to take the friendship away or do anything other than encourage our friendship, which was what it was supposed to be in the first place. A friendship peppered with occasional sex.

For the past 2+ weeks she's been cold. Distant. Never once did she tell me she loved me, unless I said it first, never once did she hug me, and when I would try and scoot close to her in bed she would move further away from me.

Tonight things came to a head an ugly ugly head. We just got back from a trip up north with the kids and she'd been distant and cold the entire time, even my youngest daughter noticed. I texted her while we were driving and told her she could talk to me, I'm more than willing and want to communicate with her. And she ignored it. Never said a thing back. (I didn't text while I was driving, FYI).

So we got home and I said, "you know you can talk to me about your feelings. I'm more than willing to listen." And she immediately said, "WHY!? It's not like I'm going to change your MIND!" And I thought "REALLY!?" But I said, "whoa, wait a second. Why would I change my mind? And why would you want me to after knowing how much it hurt for me to do it?"

The sea got stormy, my friends. And I'm saying that very very very sadly. It was 25 minutes of her yelling, screaming, ripping all the clothes off the hangars in the closet, me standing calmly (yes, I was standing calmly, except when she was trying to hurt herself) and trying to talk to her. Her escalating, and eventually her pushing me multiple times, but this one I wasn't ready for and me tripping backwards into corner jutting out from a wall by the shower and falling into that and injuring my back and injuring my elbow on the ground when I landed on the ground. Then she was throwing things at me, and the culmination was a board game she tore up *kama sutra cause "we're never going to have kinky sex!!!" it was a lame game anyway, but she threw one of the pieces at me and it caught me right above the eye and did some pretty decent damage. Enough that the cops took her to jail for the night.

I dunno. I think we're done. I don't know what happened to her. But I plan on taking the kids to a hotel (I get a good discount on a couple) and spending a couple nights without her.

It was awful. And I felt/feel so so bad for calling the cops. But I'm not going to be that spouse. I'm not. I'm not going to let it go on. The kids hear this shit all the time. They shouldn't be hearing us yelling at each other. They should be hearing us laughing with each other, seeing us hugging, seeing us cuddle and kiss.

When the deputy asked what he could do for me as he was leaving I said, "bring my wife back. I don't know who that woman was, but she wasn't the woman I married." And I cried. I've cried a lot today.

This sucked. Then she, for some reason, had her phone with her and she was texting me a bunch of nasty things.

I want my wife back... but I think she's gone.
 
Wow, I'm so sorry to hear how explosive things got and the abuse you experienced. I'm glad to hear that you and your children are safe.

Block your wife's number, or at least ignore all of her texts. Maybe turn off your phone. You do not have to listen to her ongoing verbal abuse.

Please take care of yourself during this time. Consider past posters' suggestion of therapy - now more than ever might be a time for you to get some additional support.
 
thoughts with you xxx
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top