im bad at poly

abcrazy

New member
ok i know my spelling is atrocious and my grammar is worse but i had to clear my chest my wife and i have been together for over ten years and she is definitely not straight and is currently dating a woman who all i know anything about is her first name and that my wife cares for and is possibly in love with but cant be sure, when we first got married it was just us but we early on allowed mutual friends live with us to get by probably the first 2-3 years when we should have been purely focused on us but i couldnt let my " brothers" live on the street and she was so nice she would never have told me no. i dont know for sure if she hated those times or not but i couldnt blame her if she did. but as soon as it was just us in the house (apt) she decided she wanted to try seeing a woman she met ( dont know how they met , was never given a name all i was told was she likes this girl who is married to a guy in the military and she wants to go try it out,) me being ok with her dating other men when we were younger was like ok sure i just need some basic info about her maybe meet her, well she was not ok with any of that was told i was invading her privacy and that who she dates is up to her. i love her always have as far as i can tell i always will cant see something that would push me that far away so i say fine and was pretty angry my wife needed someone other than me so when she gets home shes like yea we hooked up but really she just ate me and then i bailed , i was a little jealous that she had taken off and didnt take my feelings (toxic manhood) in to account , we had a fight about it but never really resolved anything because my requests were just being pushed to the side as if they were unrealistic and i was to insecure to accept it but as far as i can tell they were not unheard of things to ask for (may still be to insecure) , then a few years 5 or 6 went by no new people but once in a while we both check out a girl or she would say something like oh shes pretty etc and i would tell her to go talk to them but nothing that i know of actually happend unless she was talking to them onlie or on her phone or something but really had no time to do much as we spent a large majority of our free time together and nevr told me about any thing . then comes 2020 she tells me about the girls shes been chatting up from tinder etc which i knew she was doing but never saw anything come of it so figured it was just like when we were younger and then when the shutdowns started she met someone she was interested in spending time with probably more lonely and needing more attention than i could give at the time because i was so caught up in worrying about keeping her and the kid safe and fed going to my job where i deal with people face to face that come from all over the country .(transportation industry) i failed her there ,so again i made the same ask, i would like to meet the person you are dating , know their name , when do you plan on being home since i have to make sure the kid dont find out since she doesnt want her knowing (not sure why shes a teenager not like she would out her or anything), but i was told knowing this persons name and seeing an instagram photo of her should be enough. so i backed off because i again i love her and i remember how bad it was when were younger and i pushed my needs in to the situation, they went out a few times but it never worked out. she did once in a while talk to me about the way she felt when she was tring to date heror how she was afraid to move to fast and i kept telling her she had to make her move but she either never did or never told me she did but came home sad that it never really went anywhere then about a month in they finally just stopped and her friend basically ghosted her. finally sometime around october november she met another woman who she really liked im guessing they had some serious back and forths online because one day she just comes up to me and says shes trying going out again with some one her name is ... shes married and wants nothing to do with you so just mind mine own, it was hard but i did it i really just want her to be happy so they do dates basically 1 to 2 times a week but everytime she comes home she sneaks in like she was up to no good which bothered me but i didnt want to say anything that might push her to think i was trying to stop the dates but after the 6th or 7th time i finally resolved my self to talk to her about it. i had been very lightly reading on what poly realy is and had just started learning how we are supposed to handle these kinds of things thinking i learned tons from a couple fet life and polyamory.com articles discussions so after i get home the next day i mention i have a me problem and once we get the kid to bed id like to talk about her dating. since she hasnt been telling me anything about how this one is going not really letting me in at all i felt like she was pulling away and shutting me out making me fear losing her which adds jealosy to the mix, after kid finally goes to bed i sit down with her and start to speak telling her i have some jealosy that i need to work through and i feel like shes pulling away she imedialy tells me she wants a divorce and that i wont be ruining her relationship again, of course she has way more things shes upset about other than me possibly fucking up the new relationship, so we cry and of course i try to talk her out of it but shes not hearing it. so she takes off to call her gf and then comes to bed a few hours later we talk for a bit and she agrees to let me have another chance so i amim not bothered by her dating other people slowly trying to build or marriage to what it always should have been. so if anyone reads this advice would be nice. ask any questions you need to clarify something i just dont wann lose the one good thing in my life because i dont know how to poly properly. then on the other side of this she had me set up a dating profile so i could look for our quote unquote unicorn and some one for me to date this was probably 6 months back. i never really took it serious because i dont know if i could properly love two people with out hurting one of them most likely her because i would get the NRE and forget to take care of the one i have i did it with friendships all my life so im sure i would do the same with love so i kinda looked into the swinging side or hookups but she gets very venemous when i talk about any of it with her like when i talk to her about how i feel about it if i were to try seeing some one and would need a real assurance it wouldnt cost me her if i were to try seeing some one and ask what she would need from me i get the i honestly dont give a fuck go do what you want which makes me think if i ever did meet someone i wanted to try these things with i would probably be without her reals shortly after. please help me be better at this stuff. and call me out if something is wrong with the way i do things.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Hello abcrazy,

Click on the following link ... http://kimchicuddles.com/image/116304001735 ... I think you are a "kitchen table poly" person; your wife is a "parallel poly" person. You want to have contact with your metamours ... to know a little about them, to meet them in person if possible. Your wife wants you to know zero about whom she dates. Neither way of doing things is right or wrong, they're just two contrasting ways of doing poly, and you and your wife have contrasting preferences. You don't want to leave your wife, so I guess you are going to have to figure out a compromise with her. Something where you get to know a little, just a little, about your metamours, but your wife doesn't have to have everyone sitting around at the kitchen table. I don't know how far your wife is willing to go in this compromise. You may have to be the one that gives the most.

You are not doing anything wrong, you are just struggling with something new. It's like jumping in at the deep end of the pool when you don't know how to swim. You have to learn by trial and error. Hopefully the various other members on this forum can help you learn a little faster. Think about what specific questions you want to ask, and then go ahead and ask them. I sympathize with your situation, it is obvious you and your wife are both struggling to make things work. Hang in there.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I hope you feel a little better getting that off your chest. It may help to have other readers if you hit return a few times to make some paragraphs breaks. It’s hard to read otherwise. But I get you are upset and possibly emotionally flooded on the page.

To me this doesn't sound like a poly problem. It sounds like verbal abuse.

i just dont wanna lose the one good thing in my life because i dont know how to poly properly.

How good is this relationship REALLY? Or are you just sticking with it from habit? From the outside looking it in sounds volatile. I've never seen spouses be "venemous" at each other and still call it a good relationship. :(

To me you sound like you are willing to read and learn how to poly better. But the problem is not poly or open marriage. The problem is the person you are trying to do it with isn't very nice to you at all. You could become the expert on poly and open marriage... and then what? That's not going to make her any nicer to you. :(

I might get this wrong, but the main points for you seems to be this...

  • You don’t mind your wife seeing other people and dating women. You mind HOW she does it -- sneaking in to the house after dates, running hot and cold telling you stuff and then not telling you stuff. Doing a lot of push-pull behavior.

  • You would like to know the person’s name and maybe meet them if they are up for that. I assume you would like to know wife is using safer sex practices since whoever wife shares sex with? If she's going bareback with them and then bareback with you? That affects YOUR sex health hygiene.

  • You find your basic requests reasonable but if you try to address them with wife? Wife gets all angry and mean to you and tells you off and to mind your own business. When actually, your consent to participate in an open marriage IS your business. And if wife's way of doing open marriage is not how you like to do it? Then maybe you and her are just not compatible for open marriage. To me she sounds like she wants to be a free agent and not be married any more.

  • Even though you have had very little to do with her previous female dating partners, she blames you if things go wrong with them.

  • Six months ago she wanted you to set up a profile to find a female unicorn to "share." You did it even though you worry about getting tangled in NRE and paying more attention to the new person than your wife. If there isn’t a prospect of wife getting something out of it like a unicorn situation? She shuts you down if you talk about poly dating, swinging, or casual sex on your side on your own. Basically it’s Open marriage for her only. Not really for you.

  • Your wife has no interest in being emotionally available for you or talking to you about the stuff you have going in inside you. When you ask for support or help, she basically tells you off.

  • You are afraid of her breaking up with you, so you put up with a lot of poor treatment and try to ignore it happening. You blame yourself for being "insecure" rather than wonder if this is healthy and stable relating to begin with. (Maybe wife has blamed you for everything so long that you do it too now.)

  • She’s seeing the new GF 1-2 times a week. Every time she comes home she sneaks in like she was up to no good. She also isn’t out to the kid, and it’s your job to get kid to sleep so the teen doesn’t discover her mother coming home late. But the mom won't say when she will be home so you can get the kid to bed in time. If you try to ask, she blows up.

  • Most recently you tried to talk to her about the sneaking back into the house thing. Rather than talking calmly about how to come home better than that, she escalated it saying she wants a divorce. Big ol’ drama, you freak out, and later she decides to “give you another chance.” Successfully took the spotlight off her own behavior and put it on you.

  • (Why do you even need a "second chance?" You didn’t do anything other than try to have a reasonable conversation about wife coming home less sneaky. It is reasonable for married people to talk to each other. )

I mean this kindly, ok? I worry for you. Some of this sounds like the cycle of abuse and like you are used to being verbally abused. You sound like you would like that part to stop. But maybe you don't know how to get it to stop without walking away from this relationship. And you aren't ready to walk away. Maybe you are not ready to name it abuse.

So you are still here... in the line of fire.

It is ok for you to say "No." You have to be able to say "I love you a whole lot, but not even for you will I do stuff that hurts me or stay in things that hurt me."

You are hurting here.

If you are not happy participating in an open relationship with your wife because how she goes about it hurts you? And you don’t like it when you try to have reasonable conversation and she flips it around on you? Threatens divorce just to shut you up?

I could be wrong but it sounds like you are married to a bully. It is going to be hard to keep on loving someone who demonstrates less than loving behavior towards you.

You have ALREADY tried to talk to her about working things out or repairing things. She's not willing to talk. So you might have to say "Ok. I don't love it. But if you prefer to divorce, let's try to divorce peacefully then."

Choose to let the marriage go.

Then she is free TO poly all wonky however.

And you are free FROM the wonky and the fights and all that.

I suggest you take a time out to do your soul searching. Maybe this helps you.


Maybe you give it one last shot at trying to fix things, but if she's just phoning it in and already checked out?

You can't keep living like this forever. Life is not a dress rehearsal. You only get the one.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. :(

Galagirl
 
Last edited:

abcrazy

New member
Hello abcrazy,

Click on the following link ... http://kimchicuddles.com/image/116304001735 ... I think you are a "kitchen table poly" person; your wife is a "parallel poly" person. You want to have contact with your metamours ... to know a little about them, to meet them in person if possible. Your wife wants you to know zero about whom she dates. Neither way of doing things is right or wrong, they're just two contrasting ways of doing poly, and you and your wife have contrasting preferences. You don't want to leave your wife, so I guess you are going to have to figure out a compromise with her. Something where you get to know a little, just a little, about your metamours, but your wife doesn't have to have everyone sitting around at the kitchen table. I don't know how far your wife is willing to go in this compromise. You may have to be the one that gives the most.

You are not doing anything wrong, you are just struggling with something new. It's like jumping in at the deep end of the pool when you don't know how to swim. You have to learn by trial and error. Hopefully the various other members on this forum can help you learn a little faster. Think about what specific questions you want to ask, and then go ahead and ask them. I sympathize with your situation, it is obvious you and your wife are both struggling to make things work. Hang in there.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
That meme is perfect
Thank you for that.
And I appreciate the life vest.
 

abcrazy

New member
I hope you feel a little better getting that off your chest. It may help to have other readers if you hit return a few times to make some paragraphs breaks. It’s hard to read otherwise. But I get you are upset and possibly emotionally flooded on the page.

To me this doesn't sound like a poly problem. It sounds like verbal abuse.



How good is this relationship REALLY? Or are you just sticking with it from habit? From the outside looking it in sounds volatile. I've never seen spouses be "venemous" at each other and still call it a good relationship. :(

To me you sound like you are willing to read and learn how to poly better. But the problem is not poly or open marriage. The problem is the person you are trying to do it with isn't very nice to you at all. You could become the expert on poly and open marriage... and then what? That's not going to make her any nicer to you. :(

I might get this wrong, but the main points for you seems to be this...

  • You don’t mind your wife seeing other people and dating women. You mind HOW she does it -- sneaking in to the house after dates, running hot and cold telling you stuff and then not telling you stuff. Doing a lot of push-pull behavior.

  • You would like to know the person’s name and maybe meet them if they are up for that. I assume you would like to know wife is using safer sex practices since whoever wife shares sex with? If she's going bareback with them and then bareback with you? That affects YOUR sex health hygiene.

  • You find your basic requests reasonable but if you try to address them with wife? Wife gets all angry and mean to you and tells you off and to mind your own business. When actually, your consent to participate in an open marriage IS your business. And if wife's way of doing open marriage is not how you like to do it? Then maybe you and her are just not compatible for open marriage. To me she sounds like she wants to be a free agent and not be married any more.

  • Even though you have had very little to do with her previous female dating partners, she blames you if things go wrong with them.

  • Six months ago she wanted you to set up a profile to find a female unicorn to "share." You did it even though you worry about getting tangled in NRE and paying more attention to the new person than your wife. If there isn’t a prospect of wife getting something out of it like a unicorn situation? She shuts you down if you talk about poly dating, swinging, or casual sex on your side on your own. Basically it’s Open marriage for her only. Not really for you.

  • Your wife has no interest in being emotionally available for you or talking to you about the stuff you have going in inside you. When you ask for support or help, she basically tells you off.

  • You are afraid of her breaking up with you, so you put up with a lot of poor treatment and try to ignore it happening. You blame yourself for being "insecure" rather than wonder if this is healthy and stable relating to begin with. (Maybe wife has blamed you for everything so long that you do it too now.)

  • She’s seeing the new GF 1-2 times a week. Every time she comes home she sneaks in like she was up to no good. She also isn’t out to the kid, and it’s your job to get kid to sleep so the teen doesn’t discover her mother coming home late. But the mom won't say when she will be home so you can get the kid to bed in time. If you try to ask, she blows up.

  • Most recently you tried to talk to her about the sneaking back into the house thing. Rather than talking calmly about how to come home better than that, she escalated it saying she wants a divorce. Big ol’ drama, you freak out, and later she decides to “give you another chance.” Successfully took the spotlight off her own behavior and put it on you.

  • (Why do you even need a "second chance?" You didn’t do anything other than try to have a reasonable conversation about wife coming home less sneaky. It is reasonable for married people to talk to each other. )

I mean this kindly, ok? I worry for you. Some of this sounds like the cycle of abuse and like you are used to being verbally abused. You sound like you would like that part to stop. But maybe you don't know how to get it to stop without walking away from this relationship. And you aren't ready to walk away. Maybe you are not ready to name it abuse.

So you are still here... in the line of fire.

It is ok for you to say "No." You have to be able to say "I love you a whole lot, but not even for you will I do stuff that hurts me or stay in things that hurt me."

You are hurting here.

If you are not happy participating in an open relationship with your wife because how she goes about it hurts you? And you don’t like it when you try to have reasonable conversation and she flips it around on you? Threatens divorce just to shut you up?

I could be wrong but it sounds like you are married to a bully. It is going to be hard to keep on loving someone who demonstrates less than loving behavior towards you.

You have ALREADY tried to talk to her about working things out or repairing things. She's not willing to talk. So you might have to say "Ok. I don't love it. But if you prefer to divorce, let's try to divorce peacefully then."

Choose to let the marriage go.

Then she is free TO poly all wonky however.

And you are free FROM the wonky and the fights and all that.

I suggest you take a time out to do your soul searching. Maybe this helps you.


Maybe you give it one last shot at trying to fix things, but if she's just phoning it in and already checked out?

You can't keep living like this forever. Life is not a dress rehearsal. You only get the one.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. :(

Galagirl
Thank you I will take your advice to heart.
I can't promise ill follow it to the letter but i will definitely take a step back and try to see it differently.

I fear losing or hurting her more than anything I can imagine.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Hopefully you and your wife can work things out. Hang in there.
 

Evie

Moderator
I fear losing or hurting her more than anything I can imagine.
Has it occurred to you she's trying to shake you off but doesn't have the courage to actually organise the divorce herself?
 

FallenAngelina

Well-known member
i feel like shes pulling away she imedialy tells me she wants a divorce.....of course i try to talk her out of it but shes not hearing it. so she takes off to call her gf and then comes to bed a few hours later we talk for a bit and she agrees to let me have another chance ....

i just dont wann lose the one good thing in my life
Is this marriage truly the one good thing you have? Be honest with yourself. How good is a relationship you keep talking your partner into? A reluctant partner is incredibly painful to be around. My experience is that when a partner says that she wants out, believe her. To talk her into staying so that you can "work on the marriage" is to choose more pain.
 

abcrazy

New member
Has it occurred to you she's trying to shake you off but doesn't have the courage to actually organise the divorce herself?
It has and is very possible what would you recommend abandon the woman I love and run out of fear she wants out or double down on trying to be supportive and accept that the way I imagined poly for us isn't what I wil get but I still get to be with the person who litteraly makes my heart rate skyrocket just becuase she flashes a smile my way. Your observation is definitely on the mark I just don't know what to do with them.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Your observation is definitely on the mark I just don't know what to do with them.

If you think she's acting out so YOU go be the one to City Hall to file for divorce? Well, download the forms and fill them out.

Then ask one more time. If, yes, go file them.

I fear losing or hurting her more than anything I can imagine.

You fear a divorce and changing from "married" to "exes and coparents" MORE than you or child being hurt from all this up and downy fighting? And if she's pushing you break up and you don't? Wife is also hurting in this. Keeping all 3 in a hurtful situation is not ok.

Your kid watches. If she grows up thinking this volatile environment is "normal" then how much worse will she put up with in her future relationships? Instead of putting up with wacky, you could model what healthy divorce and healthy exes and coparents try to be like. So if she ever has to do it too when she's a grown up she knows what to aim for.

From the article above... you don't have to answer here but I encourage you to reflect on these things.

For the most part, these are all not-so-great reasons to stick with a relationship, so if any of them hits home, give them some real thought:

  • Is this the right relationship for you in your life now, or was it only right in the past?
  • Are you staying in because this feels good, or because this feels familiar?
  • Are you afraid of change in your life or of being alone or single? Is this relationship keeping you from needed change or growth?
  • Do you feel like letting go means you failed? Are you staying to try and prove something to yourself or someone else?
  • Are you staying because you feel guilty about having been sexual in something other than a lifelong relationship?
  • Are you choosing to stay because you've become a partner's caretaker or counselor rather than their partner?
  • Are you staying because any relationship seems better than no relationship, or because you're afraid this is the only chance you'll have for this kind of relationship?
  • Are you staying because it's what the other person wants or says they need, even if it's not what you want and need?
  • Are you staying because you made some kind of promise that you know you can't keep or don't want to, but feel guilty about breaking?
  • Are you staying in figuring you'll just wait and see if something better comes along, and stay if it doesn't?

It has and is very possible what would you recommend abandon the woman I love and run out of fear she wants out or double down on trying to be supportive and accept that the way I imagined poly for us isn't what I wil get but I still get to be with the person who litteraly makes my heart rate skyrocket just becuase she flashes a smile my way. Your observation is definitely on the mark I just don't know what to do with them.

Choosing to divorce is not abandoning the family. It's ending a marriage that doesn't work and becoming a divorced family. You both still have to parent. And presumably be around each other at the kid's things. Be it graduations, birthdays, holiday, weddings, etc.

Sometimes being supportive IS letting go. If her way of doing poly is hurting you and isn't your way? And the marriage isn't going so great? Could let that part go. No longer be romantic partners. Keep the rest.

Then she is free to date more compatible people. And you are free to date more compatible people. Both of you are free from all this fighting stuff.

Then you can change to being family in a better shape that is easier for both of you to do. You are still coparenting partners and perhaps over time, friends.

the way I imagined poly for us isn't what I wil get but I still get to be with the person who litteraly makes my heart rate skyrocket just becuase she flashes a smile my way.

I get you love her. And feel sad about the idea of ending the marriage/romantic part.

You will still be around her as a coparent and can enjoy the smiles.

Galagirl
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
OK, I know my spelling is atrocious, and my grammar is worse, but I have to get this off my chest.

My wife and I have been together for over ten years. She is bisexual, and is currently dating a woman. All I know about this woman is her first name and that my wife cares for her, is possibly in love with her.

After 2-3 years, she decided she wanted to try seeing a woman she met. I don't know how they met. I was never given a name. All I was told was that she liked a girl, who was married to a guy in the military, and she wanted to go try it out. I was OK with her dating other men when we were younger, so I said, "Sure. I just want some basic info about her, and to maybe meet her."

She was not OK with any of that. I was told that I was invading her privacy, and that whom she dates is up to her. I love her, I always have and as far as I can tell, I always will. I said fine, but I was pretty angry that my wife needed someone other than me.

When she gets home she said, "We hooked up, but she just ate me and then I bailed." I was a little jealous that she didn't take my feelings (toxic manhood) into account. We had a fight about it, but never really resolved anything. My requests were just being pushed to the side, as if they were unrealistic. She said I was too insecure to accept it. But as far as I can tell, they were not unheard of things to ask for. (I may still be too insecure).

5 or 6 years went by, with no new people. But once in a while we would both check out a girl, or she would say something like, "Oh she's pretty," etc., and I would tell her to go talk to them. But nothing actually happened, that I know of, unless she was talking to them online.

We had no time to do much, as we spent a large majority of our free time together. She never told me about anything.

Then comes 2020. She tells me about the girls she's been chatting up from Tinder, etc. I knew she was doing that, but never saw anything come of it. So I figured it was just like when we were younger. Then when the shutdowns started, she met someone she was interested in. She was probably lonely, and needing more attention than I could give at the time. I was so caught up with worrying about keeping her and the kid safe, and going to my job, where I dealt with people face to face, that come from all over the country (transportation industry).
I failed her there. So I asked the same thing again: "I would like to meet the person you are dating, know their name, know when you plan on being home, since I have to make sure the kid doesnt find out." (She doesn't want her knowing. I'm not sure why. She's a teenager, so it's not like she would out her or anything.) But I was told that knowing this person's name and seeing one photo of her should be enough.
I backed off again. I remembered how bad it was when were younger and I pushed my needs into the situation. They went out a few times but it didn't work out. She did talk to me once in a while about how she felt when she was trying to date this woman, or how she was afraid to move too fast. I kept telling her she had to make her move. She came home sad that it never really went anywhere.
In October/November, she met another woman who she really liked. I'm guessing they had some serious back and forth online, because one day she just comes up to me and says she's going out with someone. "Her name is (...). She's married. She wants nothing to do with you, so just mind your own business."
It was hard, but I did it. I really just want her to be happy. They go on dates 1 - 2 times a week. Every time she comes home, she sneaks in, like she was up to no good. This bothered me. I didn't want to say anything that might push her to think I was trying to stop the dates. but after the 6th or 7th time, I finally resolved to talk to her about it.
I had been reading about what poly is. I had just started learning how we are supposed to handle these kinds of things. O learned tons from a couple Fetlife and polyamory.com articles and discussions.
After I get home the next day, I say I have a problem. I'd like to talk about her dating. I said, since she hasn't been telling me anything about how this one is going, I felt like she was pulling away and shutting me out. This makes me fear losing her, which adds jealousy to the mix.
I start telling her I have some jealousy that I need to work through. I feel like she's pulling away. She immediately tells me she wants a divorce, and that I wont be ruining her relationship again. Also, she has many more things she's upset about, other than me possibly fucking up the new relationship. So, we cry. I try to talk her out of it, but she's not hearing it.
She takes off to call her gf, and then comes to bed a few hours later. We talk for a bit and she agrees to let me have another chance. I say I am not bothered by her dating other people. I want to try to build or marriage to what it always should have been.
Advice would be nice. I don't want to lose the one good thing in my life because i don't know how to do poly properly.
She had me set up a dating profile so I could look for our "unicorn" and/or some one for me to date. this was probably 6 months back.
I never really took it seriously. I don't know if I could properly love two people without hurting one of them, most likely her, because i would get NRE and forget to take care of the one I have. I have done this with friendships all my life, so I'm sure i would do the same with love. I looked into swinging or hookups, but she gets very venomous when I talk about any of it with her. When i talk to her about how i feel about it, if i was to try seeing someone and would need assurance that it wouldnt cost me her love, if i were to try seeing someone and ask what she would need from me, I'd get the "I honestly dont give a fuck! Go do what you want!" This makes me think if I ever did meet someone, I would probably be without her shortly after it.
Please help me get better at this stuff. Call me out if something is wrong with the way I do things.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
There must be reasons why you have stayed with your wife for 10 years. I'm sure you're just unloading the bad stuff relative to an open relationship. But this sounds pretty terrible.

Why is she with you? Does she truly love you anymore, or are you just a paycheck and someone to mind the kid, do housework, etc., while she is all in la la land about this or that new partner?

It's sad that she's the only good thing in your life, when it sounds so terrible.

It's sad that you can't talk about your feelings without them being thrown back at you, with venom attached. Have you ever had therapy? Or do you just hold all this shit in?

I agree with Gala that your wife sounds very rude and possibly abusive. You bend over backwards to give her freedom, and whenever you ask for a negotiation about the smallest thing to make you more comfortable, she flips out.
 

abcrazy

New member
I'm definitely leaving out my bad parts i don't go to therapy and haven't tried since I got my ptsd under control. And yea I hold it in but as a man thats what we are taught to do thats why I'm trying to break that cycle by expressing my self here so I can get to where I feel comfortable opening up about this or that maybe I can try again with her and maybe she'll hear me maybe she won't but at least I'll be able to say I really tried. But either way this is probably just the universe God whatever giving me what I deserve.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Everyone has good points and bad points.

I don't see how a stressy home life would help someone with PTSD though.

You believe you deserve poor treatment? That all three of you deserve to be stuck like this in a stressy home?

Galagirl
 

abcrazy

New member
Everyone has good points and bad points.

I don't see how a stressy home life would help someone with PTSD though.

You believe you deserve poor treatment? That all three of you deserve to be stuck like this in a stressy home?

Galagirl
I don't think anyone else deserves the pain and stress but maybe I have earned it, and we don't fight , argue in front of the kiddo we always put on the all is good show around them because they don't need to see parents fighting and we only have her 1/2 the time she lives with her mom(ex from before we were married). I don't think that my wife deserves the stress either but I want her. And my selfishness does keep us in this I'm sure.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
It sounds to me like you and she could use some couples therapy. Good poly can't exist without clear respectful communication. You seem to be taking all the blame for this uncomfortable, even painful state of affairs on your own shoulders. "I deserve it. God has given me this. I am a toxic male," etc., etc. But it takes 2 to tango.

I'm glad you got some therapy once, but it sounds like you could use more. Your self esteem is in the toilet and your wife treats you badly. People treat us the way we let them treat us. If you get more help and learn your worth, your life will improve. And you will find more "good things" in your life besides this venomous housemate who is playing the role of a "wife."
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I'm definitely leaving out my bad parts i don't go to therapy and haven't tried since I got my ptsd under control. And yea I hold it in but as a man thats what we are taught to do

I hope you reconsider going to therapy.

thats why I'm trying to break that cycle by expressing my self here so I can get to where I feel comfortable opening up about this

Perhaps they can help you break the cycle

or that maybe I can try again with her and maybe she'll hear me maybe she won't but at least I'll be able to say I really tried.

Well, if you need to talk to her so you know you really tried before accepting this is NOT a healthy way to be and there is nothing you can do to change your situation other than to stop being there and part ways? Do what you have to do. Try to talk to her one more time and it if continues to fall on deaf ears, start working on accepting that poor treatment is all you will get here and that you deserve better.

But either way this is probably just the universe God whatever giving me what I deserve.

I don't believe anyone "deserves" ill treatment.

I don't think anyone else deserves the pain and stress but maybe I have earned it, and we don't fight , argue in front of the kiddo we always put on the all is good show around them because they don't need to see parents fighting

So do you ever get tired of "putting on a show" and wishing you actually HAD a good relationship? Not a facade?

I don't think that my wife deserves the stress either but I want her.

People sometimes want all sorts of things that are not healthy for them. That doesn't change the fact that it's not healthy for them.

And my selfishness does keep us in this I'm sure.

I think you love for your wife keeps you in this. You aren't at a place where you want to leave. You sound like maybe you just want the yucky to stop. And you think it might if you could "do poly better."

Again, I encourage you to counseling. And maybe read some of the stuff on https://speakoutloud.net/

You have worth, dignity and value. You deserve to be treated well. You do NOT deserve to be treated poorly.

Galagirl
 
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