I'm Extremely Nervous

[sleepy]

Hey Everyone,

Long story short, I feel like my wife of 10 years is looking for a way out of marriage through having an open relationship.

We've been married for 10 years and have 3 kids. She is a stay-at-home mom (SAHM) and I'm in the Army. Both responsibilities are very taxing on the relationship.

In the beginning, it was great. She was all about me, sex was amazing, and she was attached at my hip. But about three years in, I messed up. I cheated on her through social media, which was terrible, I know. I never did anything physical with another woman. Not saying it isn't just as bad, but I thought I should clarify.

After that, the relationship became a bit more rocky. It seems every time we had a huge fight, divorce would be brought up and terrible words would be spoken. But in the past couple of years, it has calmed back down. We were doing good with each other.

But then I went on a deployment and about 3/4th of the way through, I could tell she was lonely and depressed and overwhelmed by our 3 children and her being a SAHM. I told her that if she found a guy to keep her company, then I would be all right with it. I have a sharing fetish (sexually, not emotionally). But the guy she chose lives in Alabama. We live in the Midwest.

I came back about a week ago and she does nothing with me and does everything with this guy. They watch movies together, talk about life; basically all the honeymoon-phase things. She knows this is eating me up inside and she refuses to stop. She is so secretive about what they talk about and won't disclose or tell me anything. Hell, if I walk into the room and they're talking on the phone, she makes sure he doesn't hear me and doesn't want me around when they're talking at all. She spends 12 hours a day on Xbox with this guy and her other friends. But this guy gets all the special attention.

She has expressed to me that she doesn't feel free and that she wants to be able to do what she wants through an open relationship, which to some extent I understand. Being a SAHM is extremely exhausting. But on the other hand, I feel like, as adults with children, we have obligations to those kids and we need to work through making our relationship better before we even think about opening our marriage, because as of right now, I feel as though she's being incredibly selfish.

She has also stated that she wants a stable household in Georgia for her and my children to remain in while I go continue my Army career around the world for the next 10 years. Do you know what state is right next to Georgia? Alabama. I honestly feel like she is just trying to emotionally detach herself from me and fall in love with another guy while I'm gone, to make it less of a hit to her when she pulls the divorce card.

What do you guys think?

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

I think you may need to reconsider your future in the military if you want any chance of saving your marriage.

 

[Evie]

It sounds like she's head over heels with the guy right now and is looking for ways to make their relationship work. This could mean that she's wishing for a "soft exit" from your relationship, or that right now she's just so swept up in theirs that she's neglecting putting effort into yours, too.

It sounds like you might be experiencing what we tend to call Poly Hell.

If she says she wants to preserve your relationship, then (you) plan some dates for you to do together. Put some fun back in your lives - you both sound incredible busy with career and parenting and it is probably quite common that parents tend to feel their lives are more about the parenting and providing than they are about each other at this stage of life. Make sure you plan some time to enjoy each other (without giving her the burden of planning this).

If she really doesn't want to interact with you at all...then polyamory and him are not your problems.

 

[Bobbi]

If I walk into the room and they're talking on the phone, she makes sure he doesn't hear me. She doesn't want me around when they're talking.

To me, this is a big red flag if you're thinking about opening your marriage. You have to be honest with ALL people involved. I'm guessing. based on this flag, that she has not told other guy she is married. Or maybe she's lied and said it's basically over. If so, it would also explain her refusal to slow things down from doing “everything” with him. He might notice the stark change and start questioning her about it. She can't answer, if she has lied to him. He might bail if he finds out she's married.

She has expressed to me that she doesn't feel free and that she wants to be able to do what she wants

This falls into the same boat as above. She wants to feel free to carry on with this guy without him knowing she has other responsibilities.

If she really wants an open relationship, and you are open to it, then maybe you should suggest all three of you meet (over Zoom, if this guy is LD) to discuss how it could work so that everyone's needs are met. If she agrees, then this actually might be what she wants, and you’ll know other guy knows about you. If not, then it might be time to set her free, like she wishes, through divorce.

It is hard being an Army wife and SAHM. This also means she has plenty of time to spend with him and should be able to have dedicated time for you. Make dedicated quality-time dates with her and make sure you both show up. No phones, no distractions, as much as possible with a toddler. Get a babysitter part of the time. She can also carve out quality time with him (that you all know about and agree to) that you don’t disturb. Any other time is fair game to be interrupted and not expected to be quality time.

If none of this interests her, then I would think she is done with you, but doesn’t have the stones to say it.

I’m sorry you are going through this with her.

 

[sleepy]

To me this is a big red flag if thinking about opening. You have to be honest with ALL people involved and im guessing based on this flag that she has not told other guy she is married or maybe lied and said its basically over. If so, it would also explain her refusal to slow things down from “everything” with him as he might notice the stark change and start questioning her about it which she cant answer because she has lied to him and he might bail if he knew she was married.


This falls into the same boat as above. She wants to feel free to carry on with this guy without him knowing she has other responsibilities.

If she really wants an open relationship and you are open to it, then maybe suggest all three of you meet (over zoom if this guy is LD) to discuss how it would work so everyone's needs are met. If she agrees, then this actually might be what she wants and you’ll know other guy knows about you. If not, then it might be time to set her free like she wishes, through divorcing.

It is hard being an army wife and SAHM. It also means she has plenty of time to spend with him. She should be able to have dedicated time for you. Make dedicated date/quality time dates with her, make sure you both show up, and make sure it’s quality time. No phones, no distractions (as much as possible with a toddler. Get a babysitter part of the time). She can carve out quality time (that you all know about and agree to) with him that you don’t disturb. Any time else is fair game to be interrupted and not expected to be quality time.

If none of this interests her, then I would think she is done with you, but doesn’t have the stones to say it. I’m sorry you are going through this with her.

Thanks. Good advice.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry this is happening.

I went on a deployment. I could tell she was lonely, depressed, overwhelmed, her being a SAHM. I told her that if she found a guy to keep her company, then I would be all right with it. I have a sharing fetish. The guy lives in Alabama. We live in the Midwest.

I'm not sure why you would do that. Maybe you hoped the "sharing" would benefit YOU? I would have suggested she try making other friends, volunteer, hire a nanny to help with the kids, get in touch with spouse support and services for military spouses (https://www.militaryonesource.mil/), get a health check to see if she's got depression or some other medical issue, etc. It's not like she's the first military SAHM to ever bump into these common problems military families have to face.

I honestly feel like she is just trying to emotionally detach herself from me and fall in love with another guy while I'm gone, to make it less of a hit to her when she pulls the divorce card.

I think you could ask her point blank, "Wife, do you actually want an open relationship, or is this basically a soft exit out of the marriage and you'd like to divorce?"

It's fair to ask. It's come up before. I didn't read where you and wife did any couple's counseling to repair the marriage.

There is no point in you trying to work on the marriage if she just wants out of it. And there's no point in your learning how to do an open relationship with her if she doesn't want to be your partner any more. You and she could have open relationships with OTHER people instead, after breaking up, if you want to pursue that. It doesn't have to be with each other.

Then with you in the military, as a married man-- you might be able to be open/poly later in life, but for active personnel, Military Code 134 is pretty strict on adultery, cohabitation, etc. You don't get the wiggle room on open/poly relationships that civilians do, because the military doesn't want people bringing drama or making the military look bad. So if you YOU do anything untoward, you've just handed your wife and this dude a means to "get you" with, if they wanted to do that. I'd hate for some mess your wife and the guy makes to cost you your career. You risk court martial, dishonorable discharge, jail, loss of pension, etc.

So... you might want to ask her if she'd prefer to divorce. And then you might want to talk to the right military personnel to help you through the divorce process. See about individual counseling.

I don't say any of that to be unkind. She's caught up in NRE, you have mega poly hell going on, and you, as military, have higher stakes than a civilian would. So keep a cool head as you figure out what you want to do.

Galagirl

 

[Bobbi]

The Military Code 134 is pretty strict on adultery, cohabitations etc. You don't get the wiggle room on open/poly relationships that civilians do

To be fair, the military member is held to these laws, not the spouse. She can screw whomever she wants as long as he is faithful.

On a side note, I know a lot of military who are out to command. It’s not safe everywhere, but it is very common.

It is believed that polyamory actually started in the military, so a soldier could that know that if he died in a war, his wife would be taken care of by his buddy.

 

[GalaGirl]

From what I remember, the military person is still responsible for the conduct of their dependents, even if the UCMJ doesn't apply to them and only applies to the military person.

Doing "open for you, but not for me" to reduce the impact of the UCMJ on yourself, while also being taken for granted/neglected, doesn't sound great.

OP, you don't have to put details of your particular situation online, but tread with caution. None of this sounds like a "joyful yes" from your side.

GG

 

[kdt26417]

Hello sleepy,

It sounds like your wife is extremely burned out from taking care of the three kids. That and she has fallen in love with the guy from Alabama, I think. She is in the midst of NRE, and is not thinking about her obligations towards you and the kids. NRE isn't something one plans on ahead of time, but it is a powerful and addictive drug. What's happening isn't your fault, it's just something that's happening to you -- to all of you.

I hope things get better for you.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Juan234]

I feel I am missing information here.

I am not sure a platonic relationship meant cheating. Did she equate your tolerance with your not loving her? Is she familiar with the poly term of compersion? If she has time for a boyfriend and countless hours on XBox, she probably has time to get a job. Idle minds are the devil’s playground.

 

[sleepy]

UPDATE:

I've read some of the replies here and will bring more clarity to the situation.

We've done counseling multiple times, but she doesn't want to do it anymore because she feels that the therapists "take my side."

We've mutually agreed that she would not get a job until our kids were old enough to go to school, and we have a 6-month-old.

I know she has fallen in love with this guy, and there's nothing I can do about it. Every time I bring up my worries, she says, "I don't care how you feel," or, "You can't control me, I'll do what I want." She has also openly expressed that if a man can provide more for her than I can, then she will take it. Hell, the dude called her on the phone earlier, and she woke up out of a dead sleep, ran to the garage, got in her car, shut the door, and proceeded to talk to him. I only know this because I had to search to find her. I got a bit angry at her. That's shady behavior, and all she says is that she wants her privacy and that I would get jealous if I heard them talking. She hides everything from me. She even said she deletes texts from him cause she doesn't want me snooping through her phone.

She wants me to get a vasectomy because she doesn't want any more kids. But she has stated that she would be open to having kids from another guy if we broke up. She also doesn't want me to have any more kids with other people if we break up, which is her main reason that I should get a vasectomy.

I'm not doing too well, guys. I won't lie. I'm a nervous wreck. I can't focus on anything. I feel like I'm losing the love of my life. She used to be so family-oriented. She always wanted to do things together, as a family. We haven't done one thing together at all since I've been home. I had a nightmare a long time ago about her becoming this woman who was a slut, a drug addict, with no moral compass. This honestly feels like it's coming to light. I don't know how to deal with this kind of stuff. I'm so on edge all the time. I just want my wife back.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

It sounds to me like your wife thought being a military spouse would work for her, but it hasn't. She likely feels that she doesn't want you to have more kids because you aren't present enough with the ones you already have. She has raised these kids as a present SAHM. She knows whether she can handle more and still be present for the existing ones.

I'm well aware that you could be a military person that has hours similar to many other civilian professions, but the reality is that the military encourages a level of prioritisation that is unlike most other jobs. They literally train you to forget your family and die for the(ir) cause. That inspires a mindset unlike any other in people who enjoy that career. They're almost in a bubble.

She may still be family oriented. She's open to starting a new family, after all. It's just that this might not be the family unit she envisaged. It might not feel like family to her.

Honestly, the first thing I'd do if I were you is to leave the military, if I really wanted to rescue my marriage.

 

[LoveBunny]

It doesn't sound to me like your wife wants to be married to you anymore. I'm sorry. I think the longer you stay in this, the lower and lower your self-esteem will fall, making it even harder for you to move on. Let her have her trucker f-buddy, and get yourself out. She sounds like a lost cause.

 

[GalaGirl]

Thank you for more info.

I'm not doing too well guys, I won't lie. I'm a nervous wreck.

Understandable. I'm sorry you are experiencing this.

We've done counseling multiple times, but she doesn't want to do it anymore because she feels that the therapists "take my side."

That tells you something, then. If multiple therapists "take your side," even the ones she picks out, she doesn't want to face the fact that she's behaving poorly, and doesn't want to take personal responsibility for her behavior choices. If she's checked out of therapy, I think you could continue therapy on your own so you will have support in this difficult time as you face divorce. I really think that is what you have here.

After that, the relationship became a bit more rocky. It seems every time we had a huge fight, divorce would be brought up and terrible words would be spoken. But in the past couple of years, it had calmed back down. We were doing good with each other.

I know people don't decide to divorce at the snap of a finger, but this has been a long time coming, just up and down, up and down.

"Silence" and "calm" isn't always from "peace." Sometimes it is from one spouse giving up and not caring any more, not even enough to argue. Sometimes it is the start of checking out.

Every time I bring up my worries, she says "I don't care how you feel", or "You can't control me, I'll do what I want." She has also openly expressed that if a man can provide more for her than I can, then she will take it.

To me she definitely sounds checked out of this marriage, and is telling you so.

The sooner you come to terms with the fact that this is not a healthy relationship and it is basically over, the better it will be for your health.

https://rhntc.org/sites/default/files/resources/rhntc_hlthy_rlshp_wheel_spectrum_10-13-2022.pdf

We've mutually agreed that she would not get a job until our kids were old enough to go to school, and we have a 6-month-old.

Since this was rocky even before this child, I'd guess she's just not into you or into military life anymore. There could be some post-partum depression exacerbating things with a child this young, but it sounds like stuff was going south even before this child.

If you two are heading towards divorce, agreements can, and usually do, change. So she may/may not have to get a job sooner than expected.

She even said she deletes texts from him because she doesn't want me snooping through her phone.

That just sounds hurtful on purpose. All she has to do is put a passcode on her phone and delete texts without telling you she did.

She wants me to get a vasectomy because she doesn't want any more kids. But she has stated that she would be open to having kids from another guy if we broke up. She also doesn't want me to have any more kids with other people if we break up, which is her main reason that I should get a vasectomy.

She can do what she wants with her body. It belongs to her. You can do what you want with your body. It is yours. That part in bold is not her business. If you divorce, whether or not you want to have more kids by a new partner is up to you and THAT partner, not this wife. If you want to have a vasectomy or not, is up to YOU only. It is your body.

I had a nightmare a long time ago about her becoming this woman who was a slut, a drug addict, with no moral compass. This honestly feels like it's coming to light. I don't know how to deal with this kind of stuff. I'm so on edge all the time. I just want my wife back.

I don't think she's "coming back." I think she's checked out and is looking for a way out THROUGH some other guy, which is why I think starting polyamory is NOT a good idea or a solution here. I think the solution is as peaceful and quick a divorce as possible, under the circumstances, so YOU can move on to the healing place and not be lingering here in the hurtful place. So can she.

I get it hurts. It really sucks! I just don't think sitting around in the suckage is going to feel great. So I encourage you to gather yourself and head to counseling to process your thoughts and emotions, so you can be calmer and think straight. And then talk to a lawyer about how to disband as quickly and as peacefully as you can, under the circumstances. There are children to coparent still.

I don't know if there are in-person or online divorce support groups you could join for more support as you go through this rough patch, but it might be worth looking into. Depending on the ages of the children, they might need family therapy too.

I'm sorry though. It all just SUCKS.

Galagirl

 

[Sunshine79]

I agree with nearly everything said, so far.

I think you basically nailed it with "Looking for a way out of marriage..."

That's the starting place, to me. Nothing happens in this relational dynamic without maintenance of the core connections. I'm always curious to see how others navigate it versus how my husband and I have navigated it. I'm just sad to relay that in our experience, no one we've met yet is doing it particularly well.

We see a lot of broken relationships that stemmed from "trying to save" something by opening up. In my experience, if there is something worth saving, it is probably deep, and including x-factors (i.e., other people) is often a complication that divides rather than glues.

 

[Sunshine79]

I also want to speak specifically to counseling. We've done traditional couple's therapy, and it was okay, truly. It was positive, but limited. We have had far better results from an intimacy coach who practices somatic therapy. In fact, I've almost wholly made the switch from traditional talk-therapy into somatics in my personal life, as well. It is different and hard to describe, but magical and transforming and better than anything else I've tried.

 

[Bobbi]

Every time I bring up my worries, she says "I don't care how you feel."

Take her at her word. She doesn’t care about you or your feelings.

She has also openly expressed that if a man can provide more for her than I can, then she will take it.

She is using you and will use them too, if it suits her. She doesn’t care one bit about you, just what you provide for her. How long do you want to continue this scenario?

She also doesn't want me to have any more kids with other people if we break up, which is her main reason that I should get a vasectomy.

She wants to control you long after she is gone. That’s some fucked up shit right there. It speaks volumes about her character and why therapists see her as the problem.

I feel like I'm losing the love of my life.

To piggyback on what GalaGirl said, when the fighting stops is when women decide they are done and you just don’t matter any more. You lost her long ago. It’s time to grieve and see an attorney to protect yourself asap and figure out the next steps.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. It’s heartbreaking. Please continue going to a counselor to help you through it.

 

[Juan234]

“sleepy”, what others are trying to say is that Polyamory is about others and love. If she does not love you or want you to have more kids while she still can, it is not Polyamory. If you fall out of love someday because her selfishness snaps you out of it, and you start to see the pattern of abuse she has set for you, clearly since your honeymoon if not sooner, then I recommend you follow these steps:

Priorities
1-Quick dial a divorce lawyer.
2-Get out of the house.
3-Do not take her calls.
4-Get your kids DNA’d.
5-Get a girlfriend.
6-When her guy leaves her because of her baggage after you are no longer there to mop it up, look at number 3.
7-Change your login name to happy

Good luck. You have your whole life ahead of you. And thank you for your service!

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

If you divorce, whether or not you want to have more kids by a new partner is up to you and THAT partner, not this wife. If

While this is true, unless you are an active father who is managing to caregive and stimulate your child several times a week, you don't have the time or energy for more children.

We should not be encouraging fathers who are not active parents to create more children for women to raise. Spend a year being a full time father to the kids you have, including all school runs, meals, school stuff, medical stuff, playing, teaching, planning and buying all their clothes and toys, planning birthday parties and Xmas presents, all of that, then see if you can do all of that you should be doing for more kids than you have already.

 

[Evie]

Even within a single culture parenting ideals change with the times. Unpopular opinion: There is no one twue way parenting just as there is no one twue way polying.