I'm in a closed triad relationship, but want an open relationship and my partners aren't comfortable with it.

HakiHaunted

HakiHaunted

New member
My partners "Levi" and "Snow" have been dating for about a year now, and I joined 3 or so months ago. In the beginning everything felt content and safe, it felt like the three of us against the world.

Recently though we stopped talking for awhile, the only things that ended up coming up was drama related conversations. Drama that only those two were aware about at the time, and I wasn't included until much later. My partners are both more in sync with each other than I am with any of them, they know their work schedules, and they know when they are sleeping or busy. They don't ever tell me when they are traveling or going to work, or any appointments they have. We just don't communicate anymore.

It's gotten to the point where I don't feel like my needs are being met by either of them, so I was thinking of opening the relationship and trying out a QPR (Queerplatonic relationship). That option went out the window as soon as I brought up my opinion it was almost immediately shut down. "Levi" started to say that they were uncomfortable with it, and "Snow" said that they would get too jealous. One thing that "Levi" did say was "I don't feel comfortable, unless "Snow" and me (Levi) were also comfortable with the person and also liked them". Basically saying that if I were to like someone and want to be in a relationship with them, I can't unless my partners "Snow" and "Levi" like the new person, and if that new person liked "Snow" "Levi" and me. Which would turn into a quad relationship, which wouldn't fix any of the problems that have been created.

I even made sure to tell them that my needs weren't being met, and I would like to explore other poly type relationships. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I'm torn between choosing my triad partners or being leaving so I can be in an open relationship instead. It doesn't help that they are my only friends as well, they are the only people I talk too, which would make the friendship afterwards awkward. I truly do love the two of them.

Should I break up for them? Should I push more on my opinion/needs? Or should I stay with them?
 
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Easy...get out now. They aren't treating you well (even as friends) and they want veto power over anyone else you happen to take an interest in. Hard nope.

You will find better friends and lovers if you don't have them to pander to anymore.
 
Since you called one of your friends H, and you are also H (Haki), it's extra confusing. Would you please go back and choose nicknames for your partners, like Hail and Snow, for example?
 
Knowing and expressing the fact that your needs are not being met was good. Poly relationships are built on communication, without it, how do you expect to build that relationship? Please, if they are trying to veto you at every turn and refusing to meet your needs get out. That is not healthy. Find your local poly community.
 
It's only been 3 mos of dating. I'm not sure why you would promise to do a closed triad when you don't really know them well. And now that you have gotten to know them and find they aren't meeting your needs and don't communicate well, I think you could tell them "No, thanks. I'd prefer to break up."

Do your break-up healing and then move on to date other people, and this time DO NOT promise "closed" so early on. Maybe skip triads too.

Basically saying that if I were to like someone and want to be in a relationship with them, I can't unless my partners "Snow" and "Levi" like the new person, and if that new person liked "Snow" "Levi" and me. Which would turn into a quad relationship, which wouldn't fix any of the problems that have been created.
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You do NOT have to agree to that.

It doesn't help that they are my only friends, as well, they are the only people I talk too, which would make the friendship afterwards awkward. I truly do love the two of them.
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It sounds like you got too cooped up too fast with these folks, maybe BECAUSE you were very lonely 3 mos ago, had no other people in your life, so when Levi and Snow started paying you attention it was flattering.

Again, this isn't working for you. And they don't want an open relationship. They want closed, they also want to "approve" whoever you date, and also date them too, like absorbing them into the closed collective. They are the "original couple," so what they say just goes? Nobody else after them gets a voice or real choice? That's just all too weird.

Say, "No, thanks. I'd prefer to break up," and get yourself out of there.

Learn to slow your roll and vet more carefully, both in making friends and in dating people. Make sure they arr HEALTHY friendships, HEALTHY dating first, before promising anything or making commitments.


Galagirl
 
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Thank you for the advice, and I will take it into consideration!

GalaGirl said:
It's only been 3 mos of dating. I'm not sure why you would promise to do a closed triad when you don't really know them well. And now that you have gotten to know them and find they aren't meeting your needs and don't communicate well, I think you could tell them "No, thanks. I'd prefer to break up."
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GalaGirl said:
Do your break-up healing and then move on to date other people. And this time DO NOT promise "closed" so early on. Maybe skip triads too.
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I would like to clarify that Levi and I had been friends for 4-5 years before getting into a relationship together, which is why I'm hesitant on breaking up with him. As for Snow, I've only known for a year through Levi.

We also never had a discussion on if our relationship was open or closed, so I didn't agree to anything. Talking about opening the relationship only made it known that we were in fact in a closed relationship.

I also haven't had any people I'd consider friends for 4 years, so I wouldn't say that I was exactly lonely.

I appreciate your advice though!
 
wndrng_nt_lst said:
Knowing and expressing the fact that your needs are not being met was good. Poly relationships are built on communication, without it, how do you expect to build that relationship? Please, if they are trying to veto you at every turn and refusing to meet your needs get out. That is not healthy. Find your local poly community.
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Thank you for the advice. I'll take it into consideration, and I will most likely break up with the both of them.
 
Evie said:
Easy...get out now. They aren't treating you well (even as friends) and they want veto power over anyone else you happen to take an interest in. Hard nope.

You will find better friends and lovers if you don't have them to pander to anymore.
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Thank you, I will take your advice. Everyone has been extremely helpful so far, so thank you.
 
We also never had a discussion on if our relationship with open or closed, so I didn't agree to anything. Talking about opening the relationship only made it known that we were in fact in a closed relationship.
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Well, my immediate reaction to this is "red flag" then mitigated by "young person default setting" (because societally it is largely mono/closed from the moment sex is involved), and lastly, "you (all) have a lot of communication skills to develop and please take this whole relationship as a learning experience" (because in hind sight all my early relationships were massive learning experiences, mostly learning how I *didn't* want to do relationships lol.)
 
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Evie said:
Well, my immediate reaction to this is "red flag" then mitigated by "young person default setting" (because societally it is largely mono/closed from the moment sex is involved), and lastly, "you (all) have a lot of communication skills to develop and please take this whole relationship as a learning experience" (because in hind sight all my early relationships were massive learning experiences, mostly learning how I *didn't* want to do relationships lol.)
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Yes. I've taken all my past relationships as learning experiences, and I'm still learning more about what I don't want in a relationship or how I personally can be better for future partners. Thank you for the insight!
 
I would like to clarify that Levi and I have been friends for 4-5 years before getting into a relationship together, which is why I'm hesitant on breaking up with him.
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That doesn't change the fact that Levi doesn't communicate well in a relationship and does NOT meet your needs. It kinda makes it WORSE, to me. They've known you this long and then treat you poorly.

As for Snow, I've only known for a year through Levi.
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Same thing here. Snow doesn't communicate well in a relationship and does NOT meet your needs.


We also never had a discussion on if our relationship with open or closed, so I didn't agree to anything.
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Then they are asking for closed NOW, which you do not want. And they want "approval" of anyone you might date and would want to date them too, which you also do not want.

Talking about opening the relationship only made it known that we were in fact in a closed relationship.
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It is NOT closed. You did not agree to that. They might prefer it, but it is not actually closed.

Galagirl
 
Have them read the secondary's bill of rights.


If things don't change, leave.

For it to be closed, all 3 need to agree. They can't close it because they can't handle their 3rd being with others, especially if you aren't in the inner circle. (Can it be a circle with 2 people? o_O)
 
HakiHaunted said:
I would like to clarify that Levi and I have been friends for 4-5 years before getting into a relationship together,
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It's still early. Let them know that as a relationship partner this isn't working for you. See if you can de-escalate back to friends. You might need to take time apart to get back to the friends spot. Don't place blame, just say it's not working the way you'd hoped, but the friendship is very important to you. If they say no, then you know the friendship wasn't that important to them in the first place.

Lesson: don't date your friends unless you are willing to lose them over it.
 
Hello Haki,

From your description, it sounds like you have come up against a hard incompatibility with Levi and Snow. Best case scenario, they are saying you could only have a new partner if they like the new partner, and then you would have a quad which is not what you wanted. I can't tell if they would be willing to put some effort into meeting your needs. If they would, then you might have a good reason to stay partnered with them. I mean honestly, it boils down to how much of this mistreatment you can stand, and to how long you're willing to be unhappy in this triad relationship. Do they have any intention of doing right by you, or is this a take-it-or-leave-it type of situation?

It is very concerning that the three of you are hardly communicating with each other anymore, or at least Levi and Snow are not communicating with you. Without communication, there is little hope of solving any problems. I suggest the three of you sit down, say once a week or once a month, and touch base on how things are going in this triad relationship. This way your hurt feelings wouldn't be like a pressure cooker that eventually explodes. But it's more than that, friendly conversation is like a need that isn't being met. As I said maybe Levi and Snow are talking to each other, but they're not talking to you. That's not fair. You may need to bring that up with them.

I know you love them, but sometimes love is not enough. I question how much they love you, given they are not doing particularly loving behavior toward you. You need them to be considerate, empathetic, and open-minded. They are not doing that, they are acting rather cold, selfish, and narrow in their views. You should call them on this, and find out if they are willing to turn over a new leaf. As it stands now, they are a good match for each other, but not a good match for you. You are already wanting to look outside the relationship for someone else to meet your needs. Maybe the universe is telling you something. Maybe it is telling you to remove yourself entirely.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
It may be possible to negotiate an end of the romantic involvement (because you are not up for closed) without ending the friendship. Break up, have a no-contact break (6 weeks were often recommended when I came to the forum), then see where you all stand. Hopefully the attraction has subsided to a manageable level, and you can continue to hang out as friends.

And definitely get to know some new people. Even if you are introverted, you it's healthy to have 2-5 friends you can talk to about personal matters and some more casual "friends" from common hobbies and such.
 
Definitely break up with them. They aren't being fair to you.

They'd have to meet and approve of any new partners you get--even a PLATONIC partner? Hell, no.

You've only been with them for 3 months.

It would be sad if you lose your long friendship with Levi, but that could be something to try to repair further down the road. Once you get your life back and are freely dating how you want to date.
 
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