I’m new and need advice

Professa’sPet

New member
Hi, i’m in need of ADVICE! I am currently in a “submissive/dom switch” with my partner/friend (I am usually sub about 90% of the time) whom I nicknamed “Proffesa/Professor”for almost a year now. We have had alot of fun with other girls this last year and even had another girl once that we wanted to be apart of our group, but it wasnt for her. We agreed and decided in the beginning that I would only play with him (and other girls as long as he was present), he is welcome to play with others without me (my only request was that i be informed before sexual act and he would inform other girl of me and i would want to say hi to them weather it be in person or over the phone. I have not felt jealousy until recently. He informed me of a new girl and i got excited thinking he found someone new for us to play with, but he took my excited as “jelousy” and i thought it was so odd, so i started to think that maybe there was something to be jelous about, days later he informed me that she didnt even know about me yet and he also didnt know if she was bisexual (weeks later he informed me she said she wasnt into “sharing” while she is with him) I felt so excluded and made a bit of a fuss about it. Since then he has nicknamed her and gave her the title of “Professor’s little Slut” without even talking to me about it, he did re-assure me that he would tell me he was going to be sexual with her before he did so. Later he came home one day and said he had sexual relations with her a few days prior and he decided he didnt want to tell me about it before hand. He also showed me a pic that showing the new “dog-tags” She bought herself with “Professor’s Little Slut” engraved on them (Personally i feel like she has not “earned”those tags, i dont know her, i have fears that she is trying to “replace me” which i do honestly have past issues with from past partners. To be honest I feel insulted that she claims to be a “sub” and buy herself tags with “Professor” on it when it is the nickname I gave him and yet she doesn't even want to include me.
I felt we have always been a team, but recently fears are strong on both sides and even though it is obvious the communication between us is Majorly lacking! We are still too scared to have the “conversation”.

additional info:
We do live together, although since new job he is gone for work during the week (the new girl is up by where he works.)
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Welcome.

FWIW? This doesn't sound like a polyamory issue. It sounds like a BDSM agreements/contract issue.

Is this your first Dom? You are living together and have been doing BDSM for less than a year. How long were you together before adding the BDSM or cohabitating?

A Dom only exists at the consent of the sub. If the sub doesn't want to be there or do it any more? They can walk away. Nobody can be your Dom without your consent. Power exchange isn't like "The Dom gets to do whatever to the sub an the sub just takes it."

From what I can tell in your post? The agreements were...
  • You would only play with him (and other girls as long as he was present)
  • He is welcome to play with others without you so long as...
    • he informs you before sexual acts happen
    • he informs the other girl that you exist
    • he lets them know you at least want to say hi to them in person or over the phone.
Now he's taken up with some new lady. I don't know what else you might have in your BDSM agreements around scenes or power exchange or what... but it sounds like he's cheating on his agreements in red.

To be honest I feel insulted that she claims to be a “sub” and buy herself tags with “Professor” on it when it is the nickname I gave him and yet she doesn't even want to include me.

Why are you mad at the new lady rather than at the Dom for not keeping his agreements?

She didn't know about you at the start. Once she heard, she doesn't want to "share." She's not obligated to do scenes with you. She gets to design her own sub contracts how she wants.

(Or maybe she still doesn't even know? And he's just telling you whatever stories? Could that be happening?)

i have fears that she is trying to “replace me” which i do honestly have past issues with from past partners.

Does this Dom look out for his subs and their well-being? Keeps his agreements with them all? Cultivates an environment of trust?

Or does he like to cultivate jealousy so he can be in the middle? Like everyone fighting over him makes him feel powerful?

You don't have to answer that here. Just something to consider.

I felt we have always been a team, but recently fears are strong on both sides and even though it is obvious the communication between us is Majorly lacking! We are still too scared to have the “conversation”.

Conversation between who? You and your Dom? Or you and the new lady?

What are the fears?

I can't tell what level of problem you have here. I suggest you do some reading to see if anything can help you. You could google about red flags in doms and general BDSM education things.




And maybe ask on FetLife for help too.

Then have the conversations you need to be having with this Dom.

If you feel afraid? Don't have the confidence to talk plain and renegotiate your BDSM contract as you grow/change? Keep agreements and hold each other accountable? Things don't feel like healthy, consenting BDSM here?

Don't do any new scenes right now that make you vulnerable til this gets sorted one way or another.

Galagirl
 

dingedheart

Well-known member
Hi and welcome to the forum. 😁👍

You say you’re been in this sub / Dom relationship with your partner/ friend for almost a yr was that the very start and basis of your relationship or were you together in another relationship dynamic prior ?

I think the problem or miscommunication is this team concept. It’s NOT that you’re being replaced it’s that their relationship and interactions are just going to be separate and something you’ll have to get use to.

Edit : gala‘s wasn’t there while I was writing my post
 
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TXretired

Member
Welcome and sorry you are dealing with this. It appears that the boundaries were not complied with, disregarded or not clear. I agree that this is more a bdsm question than a poly one. However, poly is not exclusive of kink.

I would recommend getting on FetLife and posting this question. They will approach it from the kink side. From the poly side, it is important that the rules that have been established be complied with. If someone does not like the rules, it is up to them to reinitiate negotiations on those rules. The D/s brings a different dynamic as the D will often have the say. The s has the real power as there is NOTHING forcing the s to comply with anything the D wants. The powers of the D come from the existence of the s.
 

Professa’sPet

New member
Welcome.

FWIW? This doesn't sound like a polyamory issue. It sounds like a BDSM agreements/contract issue.

Is this your first Dom? You are living together and have been doing BDSM for less than a year. How long were you together before adding the BDSM or cohabitating?

A Dom only exists at the consent of the sub. If the sub doesn't want to be there or do it any more? They can walk away. Nobody can be your Dom without your consent. Power exchange isn't like "The Dom gets to do whatever to the sub an the sub just takes it."

From what I can tell in your post? The agreements were...
  • You would only play with him (and other girls as long as he was present)
  • He is welcome to play with others without you so long as...
    • he informs you before sexual acts happen
    • he informs the other girl that you exist
    • he lets them know you at least want to say hi to them in person or over the phone.
Now he's taken up with some new lady. I don't know what else you might have in your BDSM agreements around scenes or power exchange or what... but it sounds like he's cheating on his agreements in red.



Why are you mad at the new lady rather than at the Dom for not keeping his agreements?

She didn't know about you at the start. Once she heard, she doesn't want to "share." She's not obligated to do scenes with you. She gets to design her own sub contracts how she wants.

(Or maybe she still doesn't even know? And he's just telling you whatever stories? Could that be happening?)



Does this Dom look out for his subs and their well-being? Keeps his agreements with them all? Cultivates an environment of trust?

Or does he like to cultivate jealousy so he can be in the middle? Like everyone fighting over him makes him feel powerful?

You don't have to answer that here. Just something to consider.



Conversation between who? You and your Dom? Or you and the new lady?

What are the fears?

I can't tell what level of problem you have here. I suggest you do some reading to see if anything can help you. You could google about red flags in doms and general BDSM education things.




And maybe ask on FetLife for help too.

Then have the conversations you need to be having with this Dom.

If you feel afraid? Don't have the confidence to talk plain and renegotiate your BDSM contract as you grow/change? Keep agreements and hold each other accountable? Things don't feel like healthy, consenting BDSM here?

Don't do any new scenes right now that make you vulnerable til this gets sorted one way or another.

Galagirl
Ty for your response. A ton of info, this is my first dom and we have known eachother a year next month. He does take good care of me, even though he is away more often for work which i am not used to being alone. I was reffering to having a conversation with my dom, concerning how to appropriately deal with the situation(fear is that we or I wont be able to move past this specific situation and we will go our separate ways, which i guess in the end is ok, just makes me feel a lil heartbroken to not have him in my life). I def do agree i need to do lots of research.
 

Professa’sPet

New member
Hi and welcome to the forum. 😁👍

You say you’re been in this sub / Dom relationship with your partner/ friend for almost a yr was that the very start and basis of your relationship or were you together in another relationship dynamic prior ?

I think the problem or miscommunication is this team concept. It’s NOT that you’re being replaced it’s that their relationship and interactions are just going to be separate and something you’ll have to get use to.

Edit : gala‘s wasn’t there while I was writing my post
Sub/dom is the only relationship dynamic we have had. He has reassured me im his “primary”, maybe Im just experiencing jealously due to not being included and I should take a look at that.
 

Professa’sPet

New member
Welcome and sorry you are dealing with this. It appears that the boundaries were not complied with, disregarded or not clear. I agree that this is more a bdsm question than a poly one. However, poly is not exclusive of kink.

I would recommend getting on FetLife and posting this question. They will approach it from the kink side. From the poly side, it is important that the rules that have been established be complied with. If someone does not like the rules, it is up to them to reinitiate negotiations on those rules. The D/s brings a different dynamic as the D will often have the say. The s has the real power as there is NOTHING forcing the s to comply with anything the D wants. The powers of the D come from the existence of the s.
Ty, i wasn’t sure if the relationship im in counted as Poly or not tbh. I will take a look at Fetlife as I have never been on there.
 

tdh

Active member
days later he informed me that she didnt even know about me yet and he also didnt know if she was bisexual (weeks later he informed me she said she wasnt into “sharing” while she is with him) I felt so excluded and made a bit of a fuss about it. Since then he has nicknamed her and gave her the title of “Professor’s little Slut” without even talking to me about it, he did re-assure me that he would tell me he was going to be sexual with her before he did so.
He violated your and the new person's trust. If the goal is some form of ethical non-monogamy, even if BDSM only, this is not it. He wasn't honest with you and she is not being given agency if she thinks her Dom is exclusive and knowing her risk. How do you build the trust to in a D/s relationship for the sub to feel free if it is starts with a lie? How do you not feel violated?

wasn’t sure if the relationship im in counted as Poly or not tbh
Think that depends on the goal. If you, the new sub, and him were trying to do a hinge through him, you might. But think Gala is right that the issue might be more in the BDSM realm then Poly but doesn't mean, especially being nesting partners, there is no poly here. Is there any romantic connection?
 

Professa’sPet

New member
He violated your and the new person's trust. If the goal is some form of ethical non-monogamy, even if BDSM only, this is not it. He wasn't honest with you and she is not being given agency if she thinks her Dom is exclusive and knowing her risk. How do you build the trust to in a D/s relationship for the sub to feel free if it is starts with a lie? How do you not feel violated?
I feel a whole bunch of emotions, violated is one of them.
Think that depends on the goal. If you, the new sub, and him were trying to do a hinge through him, you might. But think Gala is right that the issue might be more in the BDSM realm then Poly but doesn't mean, especially being nesting partners, there is no poly here. Is there any romantic connection?
We have an emotional connection
 

tdh

Active member
We have an emotional connection
I saw you use the term primary but based on the first post it felt more like primary role/play partner not like primary romantic partner. Also know you viewed yourself as a team but the way it read again was more for play then polycule. Known swingers who are friends but couple together for parties for example and they might have a primary partner to go to for those time of things but aren't romantically involved.

Could you expand on the relationship beyond the just switch or D/s roles and how this has effect that part of the relationship if it is relevant? Having a partner violate your trust in any configuration is hard and it helps to understand the full picture if possible.
 

RedBill

Member
Yr his sub. You don’t get to micromanage what yr Master does while away. You don’t own his title. Your don’t dictate what others have earned. You are a sub, you can’t also play the part of puppet master. Yr Dom is not yr puppet.
 

TXretired

Member
Dons must respect their sub. No different than being a supervisor. My authority is only in place because those I govern accept the leadership. As a leader, I must prioritize my subordinates. Basic supervision (my case as a police supervisor) applies to the position of a Dom.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Sub/dom is the only relationship dynamic we have had. He has reassured me im his “primary”, maybe Im just experiencing jealously due to not being included and I should take a look at that.

So you are not romantic partners? You are BDSM partners/friends and roomies? And "primary" means you are his main BDSM partner?

Ty, i wasn’t sure if the relationship im in counted as Poly or not tbh.

Maybe a visual aid helps you. There are many kinds of consenting and ethical non-monogamous relating. Also several kinds of non-monogamous relating that are not ethical.


You mention you both switch but most of the time you take the sub role.

A sub can say "No, thanks. I can't tell you what to do with your other subs, but I don't want to be in your BDSM network if it includes ____ . I'm bowing out. You carry on without me."

A Dom only exists in YOUR network at your consent. You don't have to agree to be the sub to whatever Dom comes along. You can be picky.

He does take good care of me, even though he is away more often for work which i am not used to being alone.

Don't you have your own work to be at? A community of family and friends to hang out with? Romantic partners to be with ? What happened to your existing community before you moved in with him?

I was reffering to having a conversation with my dom, concerning how to appropriately deal with the situation(fear is that we or I wont be able to move past this specific situation and we will go our separate ways, which i guess in the end is ok, just makes me feel a lil heartbroken to not have him in my life).

Well, just because someone is your first Dom? Doesn't automatically mean you will be compatible long term.

Break ups can happen in BDSM world just as they do anywhere else. Face the fears, have the talk. No point in avoiding doing what needs doing or dragging it out.

Best to talk and if it doesn't pan out? Part respectfully and move on.

I think it is better to linger in the healing place, not the "dragging out a break up" space.

I def do agree i need to do lots of research.

Could catch it up then. I'm concerned maybe you were excited to try something new and maybe went too fast and underprepared.

i wasn’t sure if the relationship im in counted as Poly or not tbh

You are responsible for knowing what you sign up for and agree to.

Polyamory means "many loves." People practicing poly have the desire or capacity for more than one romantic partner that may or may not include sharing sex.




BDSM is a combo of letters. BD could be bondage/discipline. DS could be dominance and submission. SM could be sadist/masochist. Some people are only into the BD part, or DS, or SM. Or they want all of it. Or only certain combos. When they negotiate a scene or power exchange, it may or may not include sex.

From the description, you only do BDSM with him. You don't do BDSM with anyone else. He could do BDSM with others so long as he kept to agreements. Ok, that's how you both wanted to structure it on the BDSM front.

Well... he's broken BDSM agreements. Now what?

The choices are to say "Well, deal breakers happened. I'm done."

Or "Dealbreakers happened. For me to be willing to continue, I need an apology, amends made, and we need to renegotiate a new deal. I need to know there won't be a repeat of this. I can't give myself to you as a sub if I can't trust you."

You may also consider moving out and having your own space if you started living together too soon.

You mention an "emotional connection" but I don't understand what that means. You make no mention of what your romantic agreements are. Above you said you only share a D/s dynamic + roomies dynamic.
  • Are you roomies and friends w/ benefits then?
    • The emotional connection is friendship? And the benefits is BDSM stuff?
  • Are you BF/GF and romantically committed to just each other even though you have other play partners for BDSM?
  • Something else?
I feel a whole bunch of emotions, violated is one of them.

If you feel trust was violated? Those are strong feelings. So I encourage you to take a time out and do your soul searching/thinking.

I can't tell if you are both newbies at it and bungling along and it will sort out over time.

Or if this is a compatibility/respect/trust issue and you are better off parting ways. Only you can tell that. You are the one there.

If you don't know what other sorts of relationship agreements you have between you and what the goals are? It's hard to advise.

The only thing I can say is to get clear on ALL your agreements.

And don't sign up to participate in things if you don't know what you are signing up for.

Galagirl
 
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TXretired

Member
Nicely said Gala.
 

RedBill

Member
Dons must respect their sub. No different than being a supervisor. My authority is only in place because those I govern accept the leadership. As a leader, I must prioritize my subordinates. Basic supervision (my case as a police supervisor) applies to the position of a Dom.

U probably also think about what to tell your subs and when. Based on what they need to know, what they can handle and when. And you’ve probably disappointed a few subs in yr day, that’s the burden of the Dom. The job of the sub is not to try and micromanage the Dom. If one of your subs did that you’d prob have to let them go.
 

Professa’sPet

New member
I saw you use the term primary but based on the first post it felt more like primary role/play partner not like primary romantic partner.
Also know you viewed yourself as a team but the way it read again was more for play then polycule. Known swingers who are friends but couple together for parties for example and they might have a primary partner to go to for those time of things but aren't romantically involved.

Could you expand on the relationship beyond the just switch or D/s roles and how this has effect that part of the relationship if it is relevant? Having a partner violate your trust in any configuration is hard and it helps to understand the full picture if possible.

We have been a main priority in eachother’s lifes for the entire time we have known eachother. We connect physically, mentally, and emotionally. I may be mistaken but i thought “primary” meant the main primary person u share ur life with, not just for play, but for emotional support as well
 

RedBill

Member
Yeah I over-read the switch part. I don’t understand how a Dom could ever be a switch... But that’s just me.
 

Professa’sPet

New member
ty everyone for all the info! :)
After reading every ones comments i decided to try to get more in depth
Professa and I are technically newbies to “poly” or “bdsm” titles, because technically we never gave our relationship a title. We just let ourselves grow with eachother and our unique kinks, and personalities, just fit like puzzle pieces. We do love eachother and he has shown me more love through his actions than any man has in any of my past relationships. I naturally submitted to be his lil pet doll and he naturally became like my care taker, my teacher and we admitted we love each other We never kept anything from each other, communication was great! He has probably had over 20 other casual partners since we met and we were still great! Until he met this new girl and communication kinda came to a halt . So i reached out on this site to seek advice on how to appropriately deal or confronting on the lack of communication issue in a healthy manner. As far as what type of relationship we are in? I’m realizing that we might not “classify” as any type of relationship.
 
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