I’m new and need advice

Evie

Mod
days later he informed me that she didn't even know about me yet.
This, right here, was the broken agreement. Everything after that is just adding to the mess. Your feelings are valid, and, from what you have written, justified as well. He's broken agreements with you, more than once.

I do agree that primary, in your instance, is across the board and you are a nesting partnership and

The pet name thing would be a big thing for me, too. I only sub to Puck, we don't switch, but I'd be highly unimpressed if he tolerated anyone else calling him Puck (if they knew I did) since that's the name I have for him. And actually worse for you since Professa/or are your titles for him in D/s and and they aren't generic and like Sir would be.

It's not cool that he let her use the same mode of address, they could, maybe should, have sought another title.

Also, as you describe it, primary is indeed across the board. Your relationship is just that, a full relationship, not just a kink contract, and you are nesting partners, too, not just roommates. You do deserve better treatment than his current limerance with this new woman is making him capable of. Call him out in it. He's screwing up and you have the right, as a poly partner in whatever form, to let him know his hinge skills are lacking.

Edit: I was writing as you posted and didn't see until after I hit publish that you have said your relationship is not necessarily labelled/classified. His infatuation with this new woman is clearly the issue, he's so enamored that he's forgetting his responsibilities to your dynamic.
 

Evie

Mod

Professa’sPet

New member
This, right here, was the broken agreement. Everything after that is just adding to the mess. Your feelings are valid, and, from what you have written, justified as well. He's broken agreements with you, more than once.

I do agree that primary, in your instance, is across the board and you are a nesting partnership and

The pet name thing would be a big thing for me, too. I only sub to Puck, we don't switch, but I'd be highly unimpressed if he tolerated anyone else calling him Puck (if they knew I did) since that's the name I have for him. And actually worse for you since Professa/or are your titles for him in D/s and and they aren't generic and like Sir would be.

It's not cool that he let her use the same mode of address, they could, maybe should, have sought another title.

Also, as you describe it, primary is indeed across the board. Your relationship is just that, a full relationship, not just a kink contract, and you are nesting partners, too, not just roommates. You do deserve better treatment than his current limerance with this new woman is making him capable of. Call him out in it. He's screwing up and you have the right, as a poly partner in whatever form, to let him know his hinge skills are lacking.

Edit: I was writing as you posted and didn't see until after I hit publish that you have said your relationship is not necessarily labelled. His infatuation with this new woman is clearly the issue, he's so enamored that he's forgetting his responsibilities to your dynamic.
Ty so much for what you wrote, instantly helped my thought process on how to deal with the situation
 
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tdh

Active member
Thanks @Professa’sPet for expanding on the full undefined dynamic. That helps clarify things allot and glad things are helping.

@Evie point about calling him out on it is key. Since this situation is new with the breakdown in communication did you all ever discuss fail safes or have an meta conversation about "if this bad thing happened I want to be communicated in this way..." with him? An example is like for me, told everyone if it is medical related needs to be phone or in person from me or to me. A text or email just does not work with the mental and emotional components unless I give the consent.

Also when it is a hard to find the words to say to him, sometimes it helps to write it out raw. Pure train of thought/feeling writing. This allows you to express every dynamic and then when you are ready to have the hard conversation and express your feelings and thoughts, you know where stand for most things?

Also I glossed over a statement in your earlier post where you say you were excited to for the new girl and he thought you were jealous and then you started to think you might or should be jealous. You do not sound like a jealous person as long as you are communicated to and you and he could have as many partners as you wish as long as the communication is there. This now reads a bit of projection on his part especially with Evie's points.
 

RedBill

Member
Do you get to have sex with other people during switch times or yr always not allowed to have sex with people ever?

How did he get you to agree with that? Is that part of the BDSM? Because I’m looking for a way to make that happen for myself. Subs seem like a natural choice for being faithful while I am off with other partners.
Thanks!
 

Professa’sPet

New member
Thanks @Professa’sPet for expanding on the full undefined dynamic. That helps clarify things allot and glad things are helping.

@Evie point about calling him out on it is key. Since this situation is new with the breakdown in communication did you all ever discuss fail safes or have an meta conversation about "if this bad thing happened I want to be communicated in this way..." with him? An example is like for me, told everyone if it is medical related needs to be phone or in person from me or to me. A text or email just does not work with the mental and emotional components unless I give the consent.
We only set boundaries, never discussed fail safe or how to communicate once a boundary was broken. Looking back now, that was a mistake on both our parts.
I will take ur advice on writing because I am not good at talking or expressing myself.
Also I glossed over a statement in your earlier post where you say you were excited to for the new girl and he thought you were jealous and then you started to think you might or should be jealous. You do not sound like a jealous person as long as you are communicated to and you and he could have as many partners as you wish as long as the communication is there. This now reads a bit of projection on his part especially with Evie's points.
 
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HaloOnFire

Active member
Yr his sub. You don’t get to micromanage what yr Master does while away. You don’t own his title. Your don’t dictate what others have earned. You are a sub, you can’t also play the part of puppet master. Yr Dom is not yr puppet.


Please reread @GalaGirl's post, and in particular these sentences:


A sub can say "No, thanks. I can't tell you what to do with your other subs, but I don't want to be in your BDSM network if it includes ____ . I'm bowing out. You carry on without me."

A Dom only exists in YOUR network at your consent. You don't have to agree to be the sub to whatever Dom comes along. You can be picky.

Then reread it again.
 
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Professa’sPet

New member
Do you get to have sex with other people during switch times or yr always not allowed to have sex with people ever?
Not in person, or physically, and not during my personal time when im not working online as an adult entertainer. I’m happy with one partner, no matter how many he has, so i can connect with him emotionally and physically on a personal level.
How did he get you to agree with that? Is that part of the BDSM? Because I’m looking for a way to make that happen for myself. Subs seem like a natural choice for being faithful while I am off with other partners.
Thanks!
 
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icesong

Moderator
Staff member
Yr his sub. You don’t get to micromanage what yr Master does while away. You don’t own his title. Your don’t dictate what others have earned. You are a sub, you can’t also play the part of puppet master. Yr Dom is not yr puppet.

Just out of curiosity are you actually involved in a kink relationship or are you just opining based on Reddit forums and Fetlife wankery?

I am a collared sub to my Artist. I assure you that if he pulled the sort of hijinks "Professa" is or even if he used the particular role name he has for me for another partner that would be a significant problem to our relationship. My Dom is certainly not my puppet but I submit because what we have together is special and unique between us and if it became not-special to him that would be... well, if not a *loss* to our relationship, certainly it would put many things in a different light.

Yeah I over-read the switch part. I don’t understand how a Dom could ever be a switch... But that’s just me.
Switch can mean many different things. If one is a Dom that enjoys bottoming for sensation play, for instance, one can be a "switch" on a physical level while still being in control of the overall dynamic. (...being "allowed" to play as a Top until getting put back in my place is a *really* fun game, but I digress...)
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Thank you for more info. It helps paint a clearer picture.

You and Profesa have been together a little under a year. You are nesting partners that love each other. You connect physically, mentally, and emotionally. You want to share/build a life together. You both are new to BDSM and polyamory. You don't really use "labels" on the relationship.

He did break agreements, and you can have a conversation about that. I don't know if it is a deal breaker to you, or a mistake you want to work out because it is still on the learning curve.

But if you work on it? Update agreements. Include BDSM things like NOT allowing other subs to use the name you gave him.

You are also learning there are missing parts to the agreements -- like how fail safes and how to communicate when boundaries are broken. This is basic thing in all relationships to me. Whether in a friendship, or with family, or romances or.... I suggest you address that if you decide to keep going together. You need to be able to do healthy conflict resolution.

You seemed fine with the other BDSM partners. What changed here?

The others were casual play partners and he didn't get all twitterpated with NRE? Is this new lady the first real romantic potential for him?

And now he's messing up because she's already said she doesn't want to share BDSM, and now he's afraid she might turn down polyamory as well so he's ... scrambling about like a newbie hinge who doesn't know how to balance his relationships?

I'm still not clear that she knows you are his nesting partner. Does she actually know now? Or does he tell you he told her, but then really he didn't?

I am just guessing. I think you could ask him what's going on.

Part of the missing agreements might address the poly dating side of things.

You could read https://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/ together. Especially https://openingup.net/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/Open-Relationship-Checklist-OU.pdf to help shape your updated agreements if you decide to stick around.

If you decide you want to date just him and don't want to poly date any others right now? That's you choosing not to exercise the option. But poly agreements could be designed so both have the poly dating option if they want it.

Even if you don't want "labels" on the relationship? Holding someone accountable to agreements is a basic. Otherwise if they didn't want to be accountable? They could just say "No, I do not agree to that" from the beginning.

If things change, it is their responsibility to check in and say something like "These agreements no longer work for me. I need to renegotiate" to accommodate whatever changed.

I'll be honest -- I expect a Dom to have it better together or at least be working towards that if a newbie. Demonstrate order and control in his own life. Otherwise, how can a sub trust him to control a scene well or feel happy/confident about power exchange?

Mistakes can happen, but solid conflict resolution skills would go a long way in showing he can take responsibility, work to resolve any issues, and do better moving forward.

So again... I encourage you to talk about the things you need to talk about.

For online boards you can try here and on Fetlife, but perhaps you want to also think about local groups also? Since you mentioned being on your own a lot and maybe needing more local friends? Maybe try to join some local poly and/or BDSM boards and groups? It's possible that in pandemic some groups that would do munches, classes and other socials are doing them virtually.

Galagirl
 
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tdh

Active member
Mistakes can happen, but solid conflict resolution skills would go a long way in showing he can take responsibility, work to resolve any issues, and do better moving forward.
This is soooo important IMO especially in relationships between D/s.

Most people I think get the concept to think of BDSM play going into an uncomfortable zone, using a safeword, getting the right aftercare, and the deconstructing the situation for future roleplay/scenes/situations. Especially for certain roles or play types.

This can be much harder in the day to day romantic side of relationships as we can make assumptions, and have been taught this in many ways, on people knowing how to do this. Especially if "things just worked" up to a point. It is good discussion(s) on conflict resolution similar to the "safe word, aftercare, and deconstruction".
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello Professa’sPet,

It seems to me that this new girl is trying to steal your man. I know he can't help that he is attracted to her, but she is a bad influence on him. You were right to have misgivings about her.

Is there any way you can get in contact with this new girl? Maybe the thing to do is to call her up, and tell her that she is not going to steal your man, and that she had better back away. Does she even know you exist? Maybe you just need to inform her, it doesn't sound like Professa can be trusted to do it.

Professa broke his word to you, not once, but three times. He had sex with her without telling you ahead of time; he didn't tell her you wanted to say hi to her; heck he didn't tell her that you even exist. This is totally unacceptable behavior on his part. He obviously can't handle being in a relationship with her. Tell him that he must break up with her. At least, that is my opinion.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 

icesong

Moderator
Staff member
It seems to me that this new girl is trying to steal your man. I know he can't help that he is attracted to her, but she is a bad influence on him. You were right to have misgivings about her.
… I think we don’t have nearly enough information about the new girl to say any of this. I also think that no matter what the new girl may have said or done, it’s on the hinge/Dom to comport himself within whatever agreements he already had… blaming it on the new person lets him off scot-free for no reason. (Actually it reminds me of a misogynistic pattern I’ve seen often where women are blamed for “seducing” theoretically monogamous men, bearing all the blame for the ensuing affair because the dude in question couldn’t make his own decisions, or something like that…)
Is there any way you can get in contact with this new girl? Maybe the thing to do is to call her up, and tell her that she is not going to steal your man, and that she had better back away.
Are we in high school? You can’t just, like, threaten people and declare your partner to be your property and expect them to go away….
Professa broke his word to you, not once, but three times. He had sex with her without telling you ahead of time; he didn't tell her you wanted to say hi to her; heck he didn't tell her that you even exist. This is totally unacceptable behavior on his part.
oh hey this part we agree on. I mean personally I’d be dumping him rather than telling him he had to dump her, but 🤷🏻‍♀️ Forgiveness is an option too, I suppose, and refusing to be in a metamour relationship with this person is a valid condition.
 

HaloOnFire

Active member
Just out of curiosity are you actually involved in a kink relationship or are you just opining based on Reddit forums and Fetlife wankery?

I was thinking this exact same thing, ngl.


I also think that no matter what the new girl may have said or done, it’s on the hinge/Dom to comport himself within whatever agreements he already had… blaming it on the new person lets him off scot-free for no reason.


Yea, completely agree with this. Dude doesn't get to skate on the "I couldn't help myself" excuse. He's supposedly an adult in very adult situations. Act like you got some sense, son. Jesus. /smh


Are we in high school? You can’t just, like, threaten people and declare your partner to be your property and expect them to go away….


Well, she can. However, that may not turn out the way she thinks it's gonna. ;) OP better be ready to throw hands if she's gonna go that particular route. 😂😂😂



oh hey this part we agree on. I mean personally I’d be dumping him rather than telling him he had to dump her, but 🤷🏻‍♀️ Forgiveness is an option too, I suppose, and refusing to be in a metamour relationship with this person is a valid condition.


That would be my reaction too. However, if the relationship can be repaired, that may be worth running up the flag pole to see who salutes.
 
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