I’m uncertain if this belongs here or not.

N

NewToPoly2025

New member
I’ll keep it short, I feel as though I’ve got a simple question to ask, maybe it’s more complicated than that since I’m not the one who is poly, my wife is. I’m okay with this, I don’t want it for myself.

Mod note: NewToPoly's prior threads on this topic:



The question is: Am I wrong for not wanting to engage in a physical/sexual relationship with my wife while she has a secondary relationship?

I love my wife and it’s been working for about 2 years now with her being poly, but moving forward I no longer want a sexual relationship with her while she has another partner, am I wrong for wanting this?
 
Depending on your reasons for not wanting to be in a sexual relationship with Wife when she's seeing another, I'd say maybe you're not as okay with polyamory as you think.

No feelings are wrong. It's the meaning behind the feelings, and your behavior as a result of those feelings, that count.
 
You’re right about me not being as okay with it as I think I am, because I know I am not fully okay with it, because it brings up feelings of insecurities within myself. I acknowledge that.

I just recently started therapy sessions as well as couples counseling with my wife to get over that mental hurdle.

I feel right now as though not wanting to have a sexual relationship with her if/when she has another relationship makes me feel uncomfortable. It’s not that I don’t think the relationship with my wife and I can’t work, I just don’t want that part of our relationship while she has another.

Why do I feel this way? I’m not sure. Will that specific feeling go away? That I don’t know either.

But that’s how I feel right now. That could change. Who knows? Is it wrong to want to tell my wife that’s how I feel and don’t want that at this particular moment?
 
May I suggest that you keep posting in this thread, instead of starting new threads on quite similar topics? I checked, and you are getting the same advice on all three of your threads, from me and from others.

I.e.
Your feelings are your feelings.
What you do with your feelings is what matters.
Get therapy.
Maybe you'd prefer a monogamous partner, or no partner at all, over a polyamorous one, whether said partner wants to date women or men, besides you.
It's not wrong to be open and honest about your feelings.
Don't bend yourself into pretzels to "please" an incompatible partner.
Etc.

(Your other two threads have been locked so any further discussion on the topic of your wife's polyamory, what you learn in therapy, etc., can be here, and remain here. Thank you.)
 
NewToPoly2025 said:
The question is: Am I wrong for not wanting to engage in a physical/sexual relationship with my wife while she has a secondary relationship?

I love my wife and it’s been working for about 2 years now with her being poly, but moving forward I no longer want a sexual relationship with her while she has another partner, am I wrong for wanting this?
Click to expand...
To me, making that decision feels like coercion. Your preference makes having two physical relationships in parallel impossible, so it's just a covert way to say "either me or them". If you want to say that - just do so. In fact, just suggest working towards a divorce. Or lay it out plain that you're turning your marriage into a sexless coparenting arrangement for the practicalities.

You can feel whatever. If you feel you no longer want to have sex with her unless she is monogamous, do just that. Just don't pretend there will be no consequences to your overall relating.
 
Hi NewToPoly,

You are not wrong for not wanting to engage in a physical/sexual relationship with your wife while she has a secondary relationship. You have autonomy over your own body, and you have the right to choose whether you will share it, and under what conditions. Why, does your wife have a problem with your personal choice? Maybe you and she are destined to have a platonic marriage. Or do we need to get down to brass tacks and give voice to the fact that polyamory is not okay with you, nor do you want her to practice it. In any case, she is your wife and you should be able to be honest with her about how you feel and what you want.

Sympathy and regards,
Kevin T.
 
Hi, I haven't read through all the threads, just the main original posts and this thread, so sorry if there is some overlap.

Well, the situation is not good in the sense that this is not what you have signed up for when you got married. However, it seems you want to make it work, so you are looking into dealing with a poly relationship. Others had given good comments already, but I wanted to add another perspective.

I think sex being better with a lover can happen easily, even if the guy is not better in bed, the novelty and differentness can add to the experience. The point here I think is not to think who is better, but how you can go to a different level of connection with your wife. Yes, it is very possible that the new guy is better in bed. You will be compared. But you have your unique attributes your wife likes about you, among them the fact that you let her have others in the relationship. So your marriage has this special aspect and intimate connection.

Perhaps there can be stronger bonds if everything is done right. I think it is also okay to let the wife have sex with the bf, and you just have a more mental-emotional kind of relationship. Can you handle that? How about your sex life?

I am also interested in the cuck/hotwife lifestyle, so for me a better lover in bed seems to be a plus. After all, if your wife still loves and wants you despite all the good sex in bed, then you do have a very special relationship. There is also risk involved, of course.

But, again, if you love another woman, but you also in love with your wife, would you think less of your wife because the sex is so much better with the other woman? I wouldn't. I love my wife so I cherish the things we have, and try to understand her insecurities. If it is truly poly, then it does not matter if someone is better. Even if one of them is inferior in every aspect, I would still love her because I love her. Love should not be a utilitarian decision, love should be love. Now, I don't know if your wife thinks this way, but if you are supporting and you are by her side and she feels secure and trusted, then that should move the relationship to a good direction. Jealousy can be dangerous. Either way there is risk, but perhaps you can tell her that you need to stop having sex for a while, but you want to go on dates, or discuss her love life, or be there for her in other ways that also satisfies you.

Ultimately, this is not the marriage you agreed to, so you have to decide. But if you go along, there can also be improvement in your marriage in the midst of all kinds of risks.
 
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