Improving metamour relationships

J

Jpoly

New member
Recently I've started dating two new people. Neither of them have any previous exprience with polyamourous relationships but after some discussions they have each been receptive in abstract to the idea of trying out a poly relationship and have been making an effort to learn more about polyamory to get more familar and comfortable with the idea -- although they both still have some reservations.

The issue that has come up though, is that the two of them know each other (friendly aquantances but not really friends, with many mutual aquaintances), and both feel like since they started dating me it has made things uncomfortable between the two of them. The both attend the same small college (which I do not attend) and are part of smaller communities and organizations like the LGBT org which means that they regularly cross paths at events and activities. One of my parners has mentioned that they have found themself self-selecting out of events that they are interested in attending because they are worried that the other metamour will be in attendance and I get the sense that both feel like their relationship with me has a negative impact on their social life on campus.

The discomfort that each of them feel about each other has become a issue in the relationships, but aside from that I feel like both relationships are going well and would like to figure out how to improve the dynamics between the two of them so that I can preserve both relationships without negatively impacting the ability of either of them to participate in their campus communities and activities.

Does anyone have experience with improving the relationship between metamours who know each other outside of the context of the relationship? I would love any advice/ suggestions that people have for how to help make things feel less awkward and uncomfortable between the two of them and what I can do to facilitate a positive shift in dynamics.
 
Of course, this is your partners' problem, not yours. It's not up to you, as the hinge in the V, to do their emotional management for them.

Since both relationships are new, I see there is some emotional awkwardness. Maybe they look at each other at an event, and both think, omg, that person and I have both seen Jpoly naked! We both know (his/her/their) sex noises or techniques! Or maybe there are other thoughts of shared time that they have and feel weird about. Transitions are never easy.

Well, that could also be true if one's ex meets one's current partner, if one is mono... It doesn't have to be a big deal. They can avoid each other if they want. Or they might learn to be OK with this situation over time.

I think you could just be present and listen, and reflect their expressed feelings about the situation back to them. There's no need to "fix" things for either person. I'd tend to just let them figure it out for themselves.

On your end, you could assure both of them that you are keeping the intimate details of their lives to yourself. You could ask them what they want kept private, and what is OK to share. Be aware of boundaries.

This should get you started. If there are more specific issues, please share here.
 
I'm with what Magdyln said. Esp where it is not your job to figure out how to improve the dynamics between the two of them. That's their job.

I can see you want to so you can keep dating them both. So date them both.

One of my parners has mentioned that they have found themself self-selecting out of events that they are interested in attending because they are worried that the other metamour will be in attendance and I get the sense that both feel like their relationship with me has a negative impact on their social life on campus.
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Then the one keeping partner home is partner, not you. Why do they stay home? Because of their worries. So it is not the relationship per se, but whatever it it they are worrying about. Why are they worrying? Because...

Neither of them have any previous exprience with polyamourous relationships but after some discussions they have each been receptive in abstract to the idea of trying out a poly relationship and have been making an effort to learn more about polyamory to get more familar and comfortable with the idea -- although they both still have some reservations.
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If they are stepping out of their normal to date in a different way? The old normal is gone, the new normal is not here yet, and there's a transition space of weird. And things being weird IS normal when new to poly dating.

All signed up to try so presumably all are prepared to deal with some discomfort to find out if it is something that will go away in time and that they ultimately enjoy doing, or if they end up at "poly is ok for others but not for me" or some other place.

Which is what people do in college -- apart from their studies, they meet different kinds of people, different ways of going, and figure themselves out.

So... be ok with it being weird for them. Comfort anyone needing (reasonable) comfort. And maintain your personal boundaries. Do not do other people's jobs for them.

If either starts sweating it really hard? Like bending themselves into pretzels just to keep going when it is obvious that participating in a poly network is bad for their well being or mental health or whatever?

You may have to let the want to date both at the same time go. In favor of the want for them to be healthy. And end it with one or both of them.

Galagirl
 
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I somewhat agree with Magdlyn and GalaGirl, but also not. They're right in that this is not your _responsibility_. However, it potentially could be something you could help with.

It sounds to me like part of the problem here is that your partners have some level of connection through you but since they don't know each other / have a relationship of their own, even on the level of friendly acquaintances, that connection makes things awkward - they aren't strangers but they aren't not-strangers either. And this, if it's something both of your partners want, could potentially be fixed by a few hangouts with all of you there, perhaps with other mutual friends too if you have any.

I mean, I lean more towards kitchen table poly, so this may sound like a horrible solution for those leaning towards parallel, but I'm not sure purely parallel is possible in a small community like you describe.
 
Thanks to everyone for the thoughtful replies! I get what you're saying about the responsibility being on them to improve the metamour relationship but I guess I'd also like to be able to provide some support and guidance to them with that other than just being like "work it out amongst yourselves" since I was the one who put both of them in this spot by not just being in a monogamous relationship with one or the other. Do you have any tips or suggested resources I could point them towards to help them navigate the discomfort of a metamour relationship? I realize that I can't do all of the work of improving the relationship for them but want to provide as much support to them as is reasonable.


Icesong, I appreciate your point about kitchen table poly and parallel poly. I hadn't pinpointed that before but I think that both of them in their openness to exploring a poly relationship expected that it would be a parallel poly situation which might explain some of the disconnect between them being open to a poly relationship on principle and feeling uncomfortable with the situation in real life when the encounter the other metamour in public. I think I tend to lean more towards the idea of kitchen table poly. How irreconcilable do you think the difference in preference between parallel poly and kitchen table poly is in this context? Any thoughts on how to talk through this with either of them to see if they might be open to the idea of a more kitchen table framework? Icesong or others do you have any experience with having relationships with people who were initially only interested in a parallel poly set up? If so how did that go, were you able to find a happy medium or was it too much of a barrier in your relationship to make things work?
 
Hello Jpoly,

It would probably help if both of your partners did some light and fun things together, like shopping, going out for coffee, or going to a movie together. If they did this regularly they would get used to it, even look forward to it. Also it would help if all three of you went out together sometimes, to do some light and fun things together.

Just some thoughts,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
JPoly - have either of your partners asked you for suggestions to improve this aspect of what's happening? Or do you feel a sense of obligation to help because you do on some level feel like it's a problem "caused" by you? If the latter, maybe you can ask them directly whether they want your input?

It can be quite difficult, as a hinge, to feel like things weren't 100% ok for other partners... There can be some anxiety there to make things ok. Whereas that anxiety is your bag to deal with. Their issues are their own. I found it helpful in situations like this to be upfront. I'd say - it seems to me you're struggling with (this). Do you think there's anything I could do to help more on that front? Or, do you want to talk about it?

Maybe you're already through that part of it, with this issue, but if not - it's a good first step.
 
I agree. You didn't put these people in this situation. It was their choice to engage with you, knowing it wouldn't be an exclusive relationship.

There is a wide range of interactions open to metamours. I've been in many different situations with varying degrees of friendship between my partners.

If your partners are feeling uncomfortable after only a short time of getting to know you, I'd recommend not pushing anything about kitchen table on them. You don't even know how your relationships with them are going to go. Maybe you could just focus on your one on one time with each for a few months and see where the romances go. If things seem stable and good, take steps to invite them to get to know each other better.

I don't see any reason for them to "date" each other platonically at this time, unless one or both of them asks to. Of course, if they are running into each other at events a lot, they will just have to make their own decisions about their involvements. One of them could ask the other to go get a coffee after an event. It wouldn't be the end of the world to do that, but it's not a requirement.
 
Thanks to everyone for the thoughtful replies! I get what you're saying about the responsibility being on them to improve the metamour relationship but I guess I'd also like to be able to provide some support and guidance to them with that other than just being like "work it out amongst yourselves" since I was the one who put both of them in this spot by not just being in a monogamous relationship with one or the other.
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If you were up front about practicing poly? Then you are not putting anyone "in this spot." They chose to take up with you in this relationship shape. They could have said "Thanks, but no thanks. I'm not into poly dating."

Do you have any tips or suggested resources I could point them towards to help them navigate the discomfort of a metamour relationship? I realize that I can't do all of the work of improving the relationship for them but want to provide as much support to them as is reasonable.
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http://practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles

https://www.morethantwo.com/

I hadn't pinpointed that before but I think that both of them in their openness to exploring a poly relationship expected that it would be a parallel poly situation which might explain some of the disconnect between them being open to a poly relationship on principle and feeling uncomfortable with the situation in real life when the encounter the other metamour in public. I think I tend to lean more towards the idea of kitchen table poly
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If the problem is that you were hoping for a kitchen table poly model and they wanted a very separate V thing? Their being on the same campus bumping into one another may be a prob at least until graduation where they can put more space in there.

And you may have to learn to ask about what KIND of open model people would like. They might not all be up for kitchen table poly and if you date anyone else? Def not MORE people at this college.

Galagirl
 
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Jpoly said:
Thanks to everyone for the thoughtful replies! I get what you're saying about the responsibility being on them to improve the metamour relationship but I guess I'd also like to be able to provide some support and guidance to them with that other than just being like "work it out amongst yourselves" since I was the one who put both of them in this spot by not just being in a monogamous relationship with one or the other. Do you have any tips or suggested resources I could point them towards to help them navigate the discomfort of a metamour relationship? I realize that I can't do all of the work of improving the relationship for them but want to provide as much support to them as is reasonable.
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The other answers represent several possible viewpoints with respect to the conceptual problem. For your real world situation, I think you are doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing in a poly relationship. You are demonstrating your emotional connection with both of your partners Your two metamours are super fortunate that they have someone like you. You may actually be the only truly poly person in the relationship.
Icesong, I appreciate your point about kitchen table poly and parallel poly. I hadn't pinpointed that before but I think that both of them in their openness to exploring a poly relationship expected that it would be a parallel poly situation which might explain some of the disconnect between them being open to a poly relationship on principle and feeling uncomfortable with the situation in real life when the encounter the other metamour in public. I think I tend to lean more towards the idea of kitchen table poly.
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Kitchen Table poly as it has been described, is truly poly. Parallel poly cannot make a reasonable claim to being poly at all. It's just someones way of making swinging back and forth between two partners sound more acceptable. Before anyone gets all upset with that idea, it's all explained fair-mindedly here: http://polynatural.org/Content/Interrelationships_P01.htm

How irreconcilable do you think the difference in preference between parallel poly and kitchen table poly is in this context? Any thoughts on how to talk through this with either of them to see if they might be open to the idea of a more kitchen table framework? Icesong or others do you have any experience with having relationships with people who were initially only interested in a parallel poly set up? If so how did that go, were you able to find a happy medium or was it too much of a barrier in your relationship to make things work?
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Communication is key. Everyone needs to get on the same page about what exactly is happening. Otherwise there is no baseline, and no way to reach a meeting of both hearts and minds. Only after that has happened, can this issue be resolved. But rest assured, it can be resolved. The outcome might not be what you expect or want. But it will at least be honest and true and that opens the door for everyone to move forward.
 
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PolyNatural said:
Kitchen Table poly as it has been described, is truly poly. Parallel poly cannot make a reasonable claim to being poly at all. It's just someones way of making swinging back and forth between two partners sound more acceptable.
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Enough of your one twue wayism.

Your website is just another website.

Now shoo.
 
PolyNatural said:
The other answers represent several possible viewpoints with respect to the conceptual problem. For your real world situation, I think you are doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing in a poly relationship. You are demonstrating your emotional connection with both of your partners Your two metamours are super fortunate that they have someone like you. You may actually be the only truly poly person in the relationship.

Kitchen Table poly as it has been described, is truly poly. Parallel poly cannot make a reasonable claim to being poly at all. It's just someones way of making swinging back and forth between two partners sound more acceptable. Before anyone gets all upset with that idea, it's all explained fair-mindedly here: http://polynatural.org/Content/Interrelationships_P01.htm


Communication is key. Everyone needs to get on the same page about what exactly is happening. Otherwise there is no baseline, and no way to reach a meeting of both hearts and minds. Only after that has happened, can this issue be resolved. But rest assured, it can be resolved. The outcome might not be what you expect or want. But it will at least be honest and true and that opens the door for everyone to move forward.
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Polynatural you can kindly shove your narrow minded views of poly where the sun doesn't shine.

My partners, who are metamours, have chosen parallel poly for themselves. My 7 soon to be 8 year poly vee proves it works very well for us. Hell I am married to both men. My husbands both want to be kings of their own castles and do not want another adult having influence over their safe space aka their home.

I own seperate property with BOTH men. Have mingled finances with BOTH men. Have retirement plans with BOTH men. Savings with BOTH me . Both men are covered in my estate. Both men have medical power of attorney over me. Hell I own pets with both men.

What works for others does not work in my life. What works for me does not work for others. Your opinion on how poly should work is not the standard others should conduct their relationships by. Last time I checked no one has made you the God of all things poly.
 
Dagferi said:
Polynatural you can kindly shove your narrow minded views of poly where the sun doesn't shine ...
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First of all, being poly isn't all about the love, so long as everyone agrees with you. Neither is this thread about your relationship. When you can have a friendly rational discussion that addresses the specific issues with meaningful counterpoint, then I'll take it seriously. In the meantime it's yet another example of self-serving bias lashing out, and with all due respect, this thread isn't the place for it. Neither IMO is the poly community. But it does illustrate why polyamory and those who claim to be polyamorous should be approached with caution and knowledge based on independent evidence and reason.
 
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PolyNatural said:
There's a whole bunch of unconstructive and hostile commentary there. When you can have a friendly rational discussion that addresses the specific issues with meaningful counterpoint, then I'll take it seriously. In the meantime it's yet another example of self-serving bias lashing out, and with all due respect, this thread isn't the place for it.
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And this, ladies and gentleman, and all, is what we call a Red Flag.
 
Evie said:
And this, ladies and gentleman, and all, is what we call a Red Flag.
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Indeed. I didn't come here to be attacked for offering a well substantiated and constructive perspective. So how about we stick to the subject of the thread, be positive, and help our guest instead.
 
PolyNatural said:
Indeed. I didn't come here to be attacked for offering a well substantiated and constructive perspective. So how about we stick to the subject of the thread, be positive, and help our guest instead.
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We're not attacking you for offering a well substantiated and constructive perspective. We're attacking you for offering a poorly substantiated and dogmatically gatekeeping perspective that completely shuts down the valuable insight of many board regulars.

Therefore, in the interest of staying positive and helping our guest with the subject of this thread, kindly go...take a powder...if you can't offer your perspective without dismissing half the community outright.

This isn't a science, nor a religion, nor even political. There is no one right way to be poly.
 
PolyNatural said:
Parallel poly cannot make a reasonable claim to being poly at all. It's just someones way of making swinging back and forth between two partners sound more acceptable.
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Swinging is consensual emotional monogamy. Polyamory is consensual emotional non-monogamy. The degree to which metamors are pals has nothing to do with the definition of polyamory.
 
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