In dire need of advice.

Momeo

New member
Hi, all. This is probably going to be a long post, sorry in advance.

I've been actively practicing polyamory for 6 years. My nesting partner is a first timer. We've been together over a year now, and live together.

He's very much a stoic person - he's had a lot of trauma in old relationships and doesn't talk about his emotions. I, on the other hand, am probably an over sharer for similar reasons. Honesty and communication are the most important to me, above all else.

Early on, I made a point of explaining thoroughly what constitutes cheating to me. For me, this is any secret sexual or romantic activity - exchanging nude photos, secret relationships, of course sexual acts. I reiterated these boundaries many times over, because I felt he was struggling to be open with me. Once he moved in, I noticed many behavioral patterns that lined up with past experiences with partners cheating on me. Again, I assured him I support his happiness and would love to be supportive of anyone he was interested in - he only needed to say the word, while also gently reminding from time to time, "hey, just checking in - anything new going on lately? Love interests? Sexy pictures? Anything at all?" He always answered in the negative except a couple times he'd say "I'm interested in this person, we'll see how it goes" - those times were enough for me to feel okay. But, inevitably, those people apparently fizzled out in one way or another, but the suspicious behavior did not.

The behaviors I'm referring to are being very protective and secretive of his phone. He refused to unlock it anywhere near me, would only get on it when I went out to smoke, would be active all day on messenger while at work and swear it was a glitch, he wasn't online, sleeps with his phone under the his pillow, just... so many small things that, to me, screamed secrecy and also lies. I felt extremely anxious and over time got more direct with my questions, i.e. "since we started dating, who have you gotten nudes from? Sent them to?" No one was always the answer. I don't know exactly when I stopped believing him.

Aside from these mounting concerns, I noticed after he moved in that he had a drinking problem. Things got to where he would sort of sleep walk drunk and piss wherever he may be - which, of course, isn't okay. I would wake up and try to coax him to the bathroom, and he'd inevitably fall into a drunken rage and say horrible things to me and remember none of it the next day. So I was left with the emotional/mental weight of the things he did and said alone. I'm aware that this is unacceptable behavior, but I spent a long time considering my responsibility in the events that had transpired and just kind of brushed it off as best I could for the longest time. I'd asked him to stop getting so drunk several times, and he'd always say he would, but it never stuck.

So, naturally, this whole situation wore me down over the year we've lived together.

It came to a climax a little over a week ago. The same aforementioned drunken routine occurred but this time he said some things that really struck several nerves. Maybe I was just fed up with it. I'm not sure. I made him sleep in his room that night, and I noticed he'd left his phone under his pillow in my bed.

So I did what I never wanted to do. I went into the phone. I saw he'd been sexting several women recently- women he'd led me to believe he hated. Two were "crazy exes", one of which he'd told me about at great length because of the incredible abuse she'd put him through, who was recently incarcerated for falsely accusing another man of rape. The other I actually know, and had even talked with a year ago specifically about this sort of thing. She was being very passive and snide to me, so I asked if she was acting that way because of her history with my partner and asked if she still had feelings for him. I assured her it was totally fine by me if she did, but she didn't need to feel threatened by me - thats not the nature of polyamory. She assured me she didn't have feelings and had no interest. Welp. That was also a lie. 😩 a couple more girls I'd never heard of are on that list as well. I just confirmed every suspicion i had, and I had only opened Instagram and messenger, so I'm sure there is twice as much that I didn't see - but I didn't need to keep looking, so I didn't.

The next day while he was out of the house I messaged him - I prefer to have serious conversations with him over text, because he doesn't respond well to direct confrontation. I told him I couldn't handle it anymore- he couldn't keep treating me like shit. He acknowledged that and apologized and promised to make changes. Then, I confronted him about the cheating. He said he felt weird talking about that stuff with me even though he knew it was okay as long as he didn't lie. Also that he was kind of forcing himself with the girls he HAD told me about out of fear of being left behind - like, when I get another partner. I asked what I had done to make him feel like he couldn't be honest with me, that I'd opened the door for him to talk to me about any and all of this over and over and over, and whether I'd done anything to make him feel like I'd ever leave him behind over another partner, and he said no.

Ultimately he said he'd be more open with me going forward, and he'd stop drinking liquor. I told him I had to draw a line for my well being and this was it. I wouldn't handle be spoken to disrespectfully, and I promised I'd never touch his phone again; I also promised that if I felt he was hiding things, cheating, or lying to me again, I'd trust my gut and end it.


So, throughout the week, I've asked (since he never volunteers anything) who he's been talking to. Every day he still says no one, except one day he told me someone asked him to home kittens or some such. I know that's not true; he's a active on Facebook - i see whenever I get on. I also hear his phone vibrating from notifications. So 4 days into this week I make a point of noting that, and say, listen. You said you were going to be more open. I don't feel any of that effort. You've made no move to express your remorse, you've not been any kind of transparent, and you've not given me the reassurance I've asked for. He blew up, saying he had nothing to be open about, and chastised me for ever going through his phone in the first place. He says I need to get my mind off of his phone and stop asking him about it. I was like, surely you understand why I'm doing this, right? My trust has been shattered and you've done nothing to pick up the pieces. It bothers the hell out of me that I even have to ask. I'm still making all the effort to fix your mistake. I want to make this work but I cannot do that alone.


I dont know, yall. I feel exasperated. I'm not ready to give up on the relationship. I know that's what everyone will advise, but thats not what I'm looking for. What I do want are your experiences in rebuilding trust after an affair. What can I say to get him to open up? How much transparency is fair to ask for? I'm willing to forgive and move on but only if I see improvement. I've been so patient for so long and I'm ask understanding as I can be. I don't know how to do this. Please, lend me your advice and experiences.
 

Inaniel

Active member
I also promised that if I felt he was hiding things, cheating, or lying to me again, I'd trust my gut and end it…

So, throughout the week, I've asked (since he never volunteers anything) who he's been talking to. Every day he still says no one, except one day he told me someone asked him to home kittens or some such. I know that's not true; he's a active on Facebook - i see whenever I get on.

So he is already being secretive again, and you have already caught him lying again. Yet you are not keeping the promise you made to him and yourself to end it. Why? Do you not value your own words?
 

TXretired

Active member
The only way to rebuild trust after an affair is for the violator to own what they did. You owned p going into his phone, it doesn’t sound like he has owned anything. I cheated on SW. she demonstrated a great deal of grace. That, along with my ownership of my screwup allowed us to rebuild. I see you willing to work on it, I don’t see that with him.

If the ownership of his actions were going to occur, it would have happened by now.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I'm sorry you struggle. I don't know what to say or how to comfort you. I could be wrong, but here is how it sounds to an internet stranger.

Why are two unhealed trauma people trying to date each other? That doesn't sound great from the beginning.

I'm sorry for whatever happened in each of your pasts... but if you both are unhealed from past trauma, neither of you may be ready for healthy dating just yet.

Are you getting help for your trauma?

I dont know, yall. I feel exasperated. I'm not ready to give up on the relationship. I know that's what everyone will advise, but thats not what I'm looking for.

You sound like you are looking for a relationship that doesn't treat you shit. That's ok to want. (<-- Sound like you got that far.)

And it's ok to get it somewhere else and not be here. (<--Sounds like you are not here yet. You just want the yucky to stop. )

This sounds like stages of grief to me. You sound like you are grieving and not yet at final acceptance that this is not a good place to be. Some anger stage. Maybe with a little bargaining stage thrown in. Like still trying to find a way to make it work. If only he did this or that.

But you don't control his behavior. He does.

I suggest you give yourself some peace and space. Maybe even some time away. Can you visit friends or family or take a vacation by yourself to leave this mess? Get a taste of what CALM life is like on your own? If you live in the whirlwind, it's hard to think straight.

You say you aren't ready to give up on the relationship but what's awesome for you here? I'm not seeing it. :(

You live with an unhealed trauma dude who can't do poly the way you want. He doesn't communicate well and isn't up front and honest. Despite knowing your boundaries? He cheats. He also gets so drunk he pees all over the house when he sleep walks. And treats you like shit. This is a healthy relationship.... HOW? :(

If a friend told you this was going on in their life... what would you tell them?


I told him I couldn't handle it anymore- he couldn't keep treating me like shit.

You seem pretty clear drawing the line. That you don't want to be here like this any more.

Well... if you get gone? You aren't there to be treated like shit. It gets solved on your end.

Ultimately he said he'd be more open with me going forward, and he'd stop drinking liquor. I told him I had to draw a line for my well being and this was it. I wouldn't handle be spoken to disrespectfully, and I promised I'd never touch his phone again; I also promised that if I felt he was hiding things, cheating, or lying to me again, I'd trust my gut and end it.

Ok, he said some pretty words. What are the actions?

Has he actually looked up how to join AA or done anything else to help him stop drinking? Cuz sleep walking and peeing all over the home is just nasty.

Has he apologized and expressed remorse? Owned his share of the mess making? Done anything to rebuild trust? Nope. Not from the sound of it. What's he doing instead? Blame shifting and telling you that you shouldn't have looked at the phone. It's true. You shouldn't. At the same time... what's he cheating for? When you are ok with it so long as you get some open communication? That wasn't ok either. It's just the endless circle merry-go-round.

You also said some words. Sounds like your gut is pinging again. Well.... Where is your follow through? Isn't healthier to end it and cut your losses like you said you would? Because sometimes one must physically leave first before the mind and heart can calm and then become more able to let go and heal.

And YOU need a home that is calm, stable, and sanctuary for you. Not this source of ugh and then random pee mess around.

I guess I wonder why you do THIS much work for a relationship of just over a year? That you find exasperating and wearing you down? Where you are treated shit? Sounds like very little return on your investment. You could stop buying a ticket to this merry-go-round ride and just not ride it any more.

What I do want are your experiences in rebuilding trust after an affair.

Sometimes it's ok NOT to try to rebuild trust. It's ok to just let go and stop banging head on wall.

If you find you are doing most of the work in this relationship and he's not really the type of partner you seek? It's ok to stop being partners. It's ok not to fall into sunk cost fallacy.

Can you trust you to get yourself out of yucky situations? You spent a long time not listening to your gut. What does it take to start listening?

I'm willing to forgive and move on but only if I see improvement.

How about changing your mind on how you execute that? Instead of staying waiting for improvements to come (or not?) Then forgive and move on? Could go the other way around.

Forgive first, because it's a burden to hang on to anger/upset after cheating.

And then go ahead and move on -- without him. So you can see improvements for YOUR life right away. Get out of the yucky. Why do you have to be living in the pee home getting drunk raged at? How about just getting out and if he ever gets his life together better he can look you up then?
  • If he does improve? Great. You can think about whether there's been enough improvement to merit another try without all this ugh and get back together.
  • If he doesn't improve? You aren't sitting around in pee home putting up with shit treatment for any longer. You keep your word about this being the end. And you FOLLOW THROUGH. So you can trust YOU to keep your own word and get you out of yucky things faster.
Either way? It gets better for YOU at least.

Otherwise it's just circle stuff. And like you are keeping you in the yucky to pressure him somehow to fly straight. When really? You end up punishing you. You already said living here for a year like this was wearing you down. Get out then and live somewhere else so it can be nicer.

Right now? He does ugh. You get upset and say things. He says whatever promises to stop your upset coming at him. You keep on staying. He doesn't really change anything. New ugh.

Is "lather, rinse, repeat" how you want to be living?

You can't control his behavior. You do control yours and your staying-ness.

Galagirl
 
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Momeo

New member
So he is already being secretive again, and you have already caught him lying again. Yet you are not keeping the promise you made to him and yourself to end it. Why? Do you not value your own words?
Well, I guess because it's so fresh and I've not had the emotional energy to devote to the conversation I want to have - I haven't decided what level of transparency is fair for me to ask for. I want him to have privacy. I also don't want to always wonder if I'm being lied to. I don't feel comfortable making a decision when I haven't set the standard on what I should actually be asking for without invading his privacy. I dont know if this would even make sense but for me that initial confrontation is still in progress. I haven't yet come up with the answers of what I really need to know, what would soothe my anxieties. Thats why I don't feel that I'm not keeping my promise - in my mind, I've not finished the groundwork I want to establish going forward.
 

Momeo

New member
The only way to rebuild trust after an affair is for the violator to own what they did. You owned p going into his phone, it doesn’t sound like he has owned anything. I cheated on SW. she demonstrated a great deal of grace. That, along with my ownership of my screwup allowed us to rebuild. I see you willing to work on it, I don’t see that with him.

If the ownership of his actions were going to occur, it would have happened by now.
I am also trying to be graceful here. How did you take ownership?
 

TXretired

Active member
She asked. I responded honestly. I took responsibility. Didn’t make an effort to deflect. She showed grace. I showed I failed her.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
You said you were going to be more open. I don't feel any of that effort. You've made no move to express your remorse, you've not been any kind of transparent, and you've not given me the reassurance I've asked for. He blew up, saying he had nothing to be open about, and chastised me for ever going through his phone in the first place.

I mean this kindly, ok? It may not be what you want to hear.

That is not taking ownership or taking personal responsibility for his share of the situation making.

To me it sounds like "blow up to get you to shut up." And also some blame shifting to get the spotlight off him and his behaviors and on to you and your behaviors. If you are busy shutting up, defending yourself, explaining, or getting caught up in circle conversations? He's out of the spotlight and off the hook. Conversations about taking personal responsibility avoided.

There can be second chances. I'm usually out with 3 strikes. Maybe 4 if progress is being made and they need more time. You can pick your own number. But it is not going to be 50, 500, 5000, 5 million second chances on the same issues, right? There's a point where it becomes just being a doormat and putting up with poor behavior. That's not healthy.

I haven't yet come up with the answers of what I really need to know, what would soothe my anxieties. Thats why I don't feel that I'm not keeping my promise - in my mind, I've not finished the groundwork I want to establish going forward.

You get to set your own personal standard for what you will and will not put up with in your relationships. Including how many second chances you feel like doing. Just like anyone else can set their personal standard for what they are willing/not willing to put up with.

As you date and get to know your potential partner you see what aligns or doesn't. You/They either make the cut or not. Or you find if an established partner still makes the cut, or has become "meh" over time just phoning it in and just going thru the motions.

You can pretty much ask whatever for transparency. The other person is free to tell you "No, I won't be doing that. I do not agree." Or "Yes, I find that ok. I agree to that."

I'm not going to punish a current partner for a past partner's cheating. And watch them like a hawk or something cuz *I'm* scared they'll hurt me like the last one. What did they do? They are not that old partner. I'm willing to grow trust with trustworthy new people. I don't love being hurt, but I'm also not afraid of it. I know how to cope if a partner behaves poorly at me. I can dump them and not deal with new shenanigans! I can be happy being on my own.

Are you ok being on your own?

I could be wrong but so far these seem to be things you want or value. Maybe it helps you to see it like a bullet list. You could finish writing it out just for you. You don't have to put it here.

Blue just to block it off visually. Orange comments mine.

GENERAL VALUES
I want to practice open/poly in an ethical way.
Honesty and communication are the most important to me, above all else.
  • I value responsiveness. When I check in, I expect an honest answer.
  • I don't want to have to "fish" things out of a partner.
I have other things I want.
  • I want to be treated and spoken to respectfully.
  • I don't mind who a partner of mine dates, so long as I know they exist and partner is not lying about them or picking out weirdos
  • At minimum to feel ok, I need to hear "I've been talking to X people as potentials. Seeing how it goes."
  • I don't want to find out a partner is cheating on poly agreements with some secret, hidden lover.
    • For me, this is any secret sexual or romantic activity - exchanging nude photos, secret relationships, of course sexual acts.
    • How does every dyad needing its own privacy fit in with this ? With an established GF, you still have to know every nude exchange, sex share, etc BF does with her? Why is that your business? And then the new GF has to know all the things you do with the BF? How is that her business?
    • How are you managing your anxiety and healing from past cheating partners?
    • How do/did you learn to vet people and/or nip any new shenanigans in the bud so you don't wind up with new cheaters?
    • Maybe instead of all this energy on "preventing cheating" vigilance you just decide "if any cheating happens, I will cope by doing X." So you can be more at ease?
I don't want to be treated like shit in a relationship.
  • No talking to me disrespectfully
  • No lies
  • No cheating or bad secrets
  • If this happens, I expect me to do... what?
I expect healthy conflict resolution. To me that means.... what?
DISLIKES IN THIS PARTICULAR RELATIONSHIP
I don't like him being so attached to his phone/devices that he is not PRESENT with me when it is our quality time. (<--- Not stated outright, seems to be implied. You find his notification boops intrusive/distracting. Is that true?)
I don't like the drinking problem.
  • I'm tired of asking partner to work on this and he does nothing.
  • I don't like him drunk sleep walking and peeing wherever in the home
    • I don't like waking up and trying to coax a drunk, sleep walking him toward the bathroom
    • I don't like being drunk raged at when I try to help him find a bathroom. He says means things.
    • I don't like that he doesn't remember drunk raging at me the next day and I have to process hurt feelings on my own
  • I expect me to...
    • Keep on sleeping and no longer get up to try to help him find a bathroom?
    • Start expecting him to clean his own pee accidents?
    • Start attending Al-Anon family groups?
    • Make a personal boundary that I don't date people with drinking problems who don't attend AA or see a counselor? (Unmanaged drinking vs work in progress person trying to change)
    • Date him but move out so I can sleep at night at MY home, and I don't have to deal with night issues like drunk sleepwalking, peeing wherever, or drunk raging any more? He can deal with all that at his home?
    • End it?
PERSONAL LIMIT
  • I have reached personal limit. If he hides things, cheats, or lies again, I'm trusting my gut and ending this relationship.
  • I expect me to (follow through / not follow) through on that.
  • If I have to end... here are the steps I would do to get me out of here or him out of here. (you'd list)
Hopefully that helps you organize your thoughts some.

I encourage you to do your soul searching. Figure out who YOU are and want you want for YOUR life. Articulate your values and what you will and will not put up with in relationship. Actually write out your personal standard for your relationships. Then you can better hold your own self accountable to that. Do not let your soft feelings for someone lead you to just ignore or chuck over the the things you really value/prefer.

THEN take stock of this relationship against your personal standard.

  • Does being with this partner ADD to your quality of life or TAKE AWAY from it?
  • Does this guy make the cut against your personal standard?
  • Are you carrying this relationship doing most of the work? Does he do his fair share or not?
  • Do you have to work THIS hard in your other poly relationships?
I am very sorry this is happening. You have my sympathies. I hope you are able to make some changes for yourself so things get better for you.

HTH!
Galagirl
 
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fuchka

Active member
You asked:

What can I say to get him to open up?

I think:

Nothing. Him opening up involves him talking. Not you.

Quite apart from anything else, it sounds like he is disinterested in being poly. For whatever reason, he's cheating and that's not a problem for him. You know he's still being dishonest.

His honesty is something he can control, not you. You can reward honesty by responding positively if/when he chooses to open up with something genuine. But he's far from that, and it's not about you. He's got work to do. And he's got to want to do it.
 

icesong

Moderator
Staff member
Honestly it does sound like although you find that level of openness about flirtations and conversation, etc to be a requirement for the way you do poly it’s not something he wants or is even capable of. And - although there are a LOT of things, most of this mess really that are entirely his doing - I would ask whether he actually _wanted_ to have that level of openness in what he did or just agreed to it as he felt pressured.

I mean, that’s not the only way to do poly, even if you are the more experienced person than him. Really even if I _wanted_ to have that level of disclosure in my relationships, which sounds exhausting, if I felt pressured or required to do it I’d not want to tell my partner _anything_. It would, for me, activate a lot of baggage from living with my controlling/abusive parents. I only want to share what’s up with me when I can do so as a joyous choice.

Anyway. Dude definitely needs to quit / cut back on drinking, and work on honesty, but y’all also need to figure out what level of openness each of you both want and are capable of as it may be that each of your relationship requirements there is incompatible.
 

Inaniel

Active member
Well, I guess because it's so fresh and I've not had the emotional energy to devote to the conversation I want to have - I haven't decided what level of transparency is fair for me to ask for. I want him to have privacy. I also don't want to always wonder if I'm being lied to. I don't feel comfortable making a decision when I haven't set the standard on what I should actually be asking for without invading his privacy. I dont know if this would even make sense but for me that initial confrontation is still in progress. I haven't yet come up with the answers of what I really need to know, what would soothe my anxieties. Thats why I don't feel that I'm not keeping my promise - in my mind, I've not finished the groundwork I want to establish going forward.

These are difficult questions that I think can only be answered by your partner. We all have our own tolerance for privacy. In my relationships, if I were expected to share every time I flirted with someone on Tinder I would find that overbearing…

Dating can be stressful, and providing a daily or weekly play by play with someone who has nothing to do with the activity could add to that stress/anxiety.

With that said, it’s my responsibility to manage my consent as it relates to my desires. And that is where your partner has failed you. He chose deceit over backbone. And it sounds like he’s comfortable continuing this approach. It’s a bad approach, and I don’t see it helping the greater environment of toxicity surrounding the relationship.

If he is being abusive when under the influence of alcohol it demonstrates a deep lack of respect for you that he possesses even when he is sober. As others have pointed out this relationship, as described, needs a lot of work that is difficult to do, and you cannot do it alone.
 

PinkPig

Active member
Honestly, it sounds like he could be an alcoholic. If he is an alcoholic, the unacceptable behaviors are unlikely to stop until he gets help for the drinking. (My ex husband is an alcoholic/addict.)
 

HaloOnFire

Active member
If he is being abusive when under the influence of alcohol it demonstrates a deep lack of respect for you that he possesses even when he is sober. As others have pointed out this relationship, as described, needs a lot of work that is difficult to do, and you cannot do it alone.


And tbh, it does not sound like he can't even be arsed to do so. His actions, IMO, have told @Momeo in NO uncertain terms what he thinks of her AND their relationship. IMO, OP just needs to dtmfa. Ripping the band-aid off now will save her untold amounts of grief. And I speak as someone who has had alcoholic SO's over the course of her dating life. This unfortunately, is one of those instances where love simply will not conquer all.

I do wish for her peace on the other side of this. I've been there and it isn't...pleasant, to put it mildly.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello Momeo,

The right amount of transparency to ask from your partner, is, that when you ask him a question, he cannot answer with a lie. He can say, "I'd rather not answer that question," so that you can know he is keeping something from you, and you can decide whether it's acceptable for him to do that. But he cannot, for example, when you say, "Are you seeing anyone?" answer, "No one," if he is sexting multiple women. He has lied to you a lot of times. Enough times that you are justified in saying, "No more lies." That is the amount of transparency you can demand.

To rebuild the trust after the affair/s, you do not say whether he is going to be honest in the future. If he's going to keep lying, and you still want to rebuild your trust in him, I suppose you'll have to make a list of all his good traits, and reason with yourself that a little lying is tolerable in light of all those good traits. Practice gratitude, in other words.

To get him to open up, you must say to him that you really appreciate it when he does open up, and you should remind him (perhaps more often) that you are okay with him seeing other women, as long as he'll open up to you about them, and tell the truth about them. I'm assuming that he just doesn't grasp how important honesty is to you. If that assumption is correct, then maybe it's just a matter of better explaining yourself.

I'm very sorry you're going through this.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

FallenAngelina

Well-known member
I noticed after he moved in that he had a drinking problem. Things got to where he would sort of sleep walk drunk and piss wherever he may be - which, of course, isn't okay. I would wake up and try to coax him to the bathroom, and he'd inevitably fall into a drunken rage and say horrible things to me and remember none of it the next day. So I was left with the emotional/mental weight of the things he did and said alone. I'm aware that this is unacceptable behavior, but I spent a long time considering my responsibility in the events that had transpired and just kind of brushed it off as best I could for the longest time. I'd asked him to stop getting so drunk several times, and he'd always say he would, but it never stuck.

So, naturally, this whole situation wore me down over the year we've lived together.

It came to a climax a little over a week ago. The same aforementioned drunken routine occurred ....

Someone who drinks to blacking out (not remembering) definitely has a significant drinking problem. Feel free to message me if you'd like to talk about Al-Anon, which is a program for people who have an alcoholic loved one - or have/had any problem drinker in their life. All of the wonderful relationship advice in the world does not work when active problem drinking is part of the mix.
 

icesong

Moderator
Staff member
All of the wonderful relationship advice in the world does not work when active problem drinking is part of the mix.

This is 100% true. I don’t love AA-based programs for a variety of reasons, but having had phases where Knight and I both used alcohol in problematic ways — him more so than I, but I’m no saint on that front — there is a direct correlation between either of us drinking above a certain point and bad things happening to our relationship.

Sort of a moot point if your partner doesn’t want to change though.
 

Ariakas

Bosun
Someone who drinks to blacking out (not remembering) definitely has a significant drinking problem. Feel free to message me if you'd like to talk about Al-Anon, which is a program for people who have an alcoholic loved one - or have/had any problem drinker in their life. All of the wonderful relationship advice in the world does not work when active problem drinking is part of the mix.

As an alcoholic I agree. and.. while I am not an AA advocate as the only option, it can be a good one for those who also dont want to see counselling.

I got sober in 2011.. it was documented on this site. Personally, I would carefully manage a relationship with an alcoholic. Honestly a very simple reason, coming out the other side they will be different. Alcohol is a depressant and even when not drunk (next day? next week?) they are being effected. Until sober for a prolonged period, they may not "be themselves" for quite a while and may not understand their own emotional state.

Last thought, does he take any other meds? Alcohol and so much do not mix. He may not be a blackout drinker as a much as a mixer and matcher. Most people dont realize the awesome numbing effect of mixing the most boring over the counter meds with a 26er of rye.... something to ... challenge or think on.
 

Evie

Kaitiaki
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