Hi, all. This is probably going to be a long post, sorry in advance.
I've been actively practicing polyamory for 6 years. My nesting partner is a first timer. We've been together over a year now, and live together.
He's very much a stoic person - he's had a lot of trauma in old relationships and doesn't talk about his emotions. I, on the other hand, am probably an over sharer for similar reasons. Honesty and communication are the most important to me, above all else.
Early on, I made a point of explaining thoroughly what constitutes cheating to me. For me, this is any secret sexual or romantic activity - exchanging nude photos, secret relationships, of course sexual acts. I reiterated these boundaries many times over, because I felt he was struggling to be open with me. Once he moved in, I noticed many behavioral patterns that lined up with past experiences with partners cheating on me. Again, I assured him I support his happiness and would love to be supportive of anyone he was interested in - he only needed to say the word, while also gently reminding from time to time, "hey, just checking in - anything new going on lately? Love interests? Sexy pictures? Anything at all?" He always answered in the negative except a couple times he'd say "I'm interested in this person, we'll see how it goes" - those times were enough for me to feel okay. But, inevitably, those people apparently fizzled out in one way or another, but the suspicious behavior did not.
The behaviors I'm referring to are being very protective and secretive of his phone. He refused to unlock it anywhere near me, would only get on it when I went out to smoke, would be active all day on messenger while at work and swear it was a glitch, he wasn't online, sleeps with his phone under the his pillow, just... so many small things that, to me, screamed secrecy and also lies. I felt extremely anxious and over time got more direct with my questions, i.e. "since we started dating, who have you gotten nudes from? Sent them to?" No one was always the answer. I don't know exactly when I stopped believing him.
Aside from these mounting concerns, I noticed after he moved in that he had a drinking problem. Things got to where he would sort of sleep walk drunk and piss wherever he may be - which, of course, isn't okay. I would wake up and try to coax him to the bathroom, and he'd inevitably fall into a drunken rage and say horrible things to me and remember none of it the next day. So I was left with the emotional/mental weight of the things he did and said alone. I'm aware that this is unacceptable behavior, but I spent a long time considering my responsibility in the events that had transpired and just kind of brushed it off as best I could for the longest time. I'd asked him to stop getting so drunk several times, and he'd always say he would, but it never stuck.
So, naturally, this whole situation wore me down over the year we've lived together.
It came to a climax a little over a week ago. The same aforementioned drunken routine occurred but this time he said some things that really struck several nerves. Maybe I was just fed up with it. I'm not sure. I made him sleep in his room that night, and I noticed he'd left his phone under his pillow in my bed.
So I did what I never wanted to do. I went into the phone. I saw he'd been sexting several women recently- women he'd led me to believe he hated. Two were "crazy exes", one of which he'd told me about at great length because of the incredible abuse she'd put him through, who was recently incarcerated for falsely accusing another man of rape. The other I actually know, and had even talked with a year ago specifically about this sort of thing. She was being very passive and snide to me, so I asked if she was acting that way because of her history with my partner and asked if she still had feelings for him. I assured her it was totally fine by me if she did, but she didn't need to feel threatened by me - thats not the nature of polyamory. She assured me she didn't have feelings and had no interest. Welp. That was also a lie. a couple more girls I'd never heard of are on that list as well. I just confirmed every suspicion i had, and I had only opened Instagram and messenger, so I'm sure there is twice as much that I didn't see - but I didn't need to keep looking, so I didn't.
The next day while he was out of the house I messaged him - I prefer to have serious conversations with him over text, because he doesn't respond well to direct confrontation. I told him I couldn't handle it anymore- he couldn't keep treating me like shit. He acknowledged that and apologized and promised to make changes. Then, I confronted him about the cheating. He said he felt weird talking about that stuff with me even though he knew it was okay as long as he didn't lie. Also that he was kind of forcing himself with the girls he HAD told me about out of fear of being left behind - like, when I get another partner. I asked what I had done to make him feel like he couldn't be honest with me, that I'd opened the door for him to talk to me about any and all of this over and over and over, and whether I'd done anything to make him feel like I'd ever leave him behind over another partner, and he said no.
Ultimately he said he'd be more open with me going forward, and he'd stop drinking liquor. I told him I had to draw a line for my well being and this was it. I wouldn't handle be spoken to disrespectfully, and I promised I'd never touch his phone again; I also promised that if I felt he was hiding things, cheating, or lying to me again, I'd trust my gut and end it.
So, throughout the week, I've asked (since he never volunteers anything) who he's been talking to. Every day he still says no one, except one day he told me someone asked him to home kittens or some such. I know that's not true; he's a active on Facebook - i see whenever I get on. I also hear his phone vibrating from notifications. So 4 days into this week I make a point of noting that, and say, listen. You said you were going to be more open. I don't feel any of that effort. You've made no move to express your remorse, you've not been any kind of transparent, and you've not given me the reassurance I've asked for. He blew up, saying he had nothing to be open about, and chastised me for ever going through his phone in the first place. He says I need to get my mind off of his phone and stop asking him about it. I was like, surely you understand why I'm doing this, right? My trust has been shattered and you've done nothing to pick up the pieces. It bothers the hell out of me that I even have to ask. I'm still making all the effort to fix your mistake. I want to make this work but I cannot do that alone.
I dont know, yall. I feel exasperated. I'm not ready to give up on the relationship. I know that's what everyone will advise, but thats not what I'm looking for. What I do want are your experiences in rebuilding trust after an affair. What can I say to get him to open up? How much transparency is fair to ask for? I'm willing to forgive and move on but only if I see improvement. I've been so patient for so long and I'm ask understanding as I can be. I don't know how to do this. Please, lend me your advice and experiences.
I've been actively practicing polyamory for 6 years. My nesting partner is a first timer. We've been together over a year now, and live together.
He's very much a stoic person - he's had a lot of trauma in old relationships and doesn't talk about his emotions. I, on the other hand, am probably an over sharer for similar reasons. Honesty and communication are the most important to me, above all else.
Early on, I made a point of explaining thoroughly what constitutes cheating to me. For me, this is any secret sexual or romantic activity - exchanging nude photos, secret relationships, of course sexual acts. I reiterated these boundaries many times over, because I felt he was struggling to be open with me. Once he moved in, I noticed many behavioral patterns that lined up with past experiences with partners cheating on me. Again, I assured him I support his happiness and would love to be supportive of anyone he was interested in - he only needed to say the word, while also gently reminding from time to time, "hey, just checking in - anything new going on lately? Love interests? Sexy pictures? Anything at all?" He always answered in the negative except a couple times he'd say "I'm interested in this person, we'll see how it goes" - those times were enough for me to feel okay. But, inevitably, those people apparently fizzled out in one way or another, but the suspicious behavior did not.
The behaviors I'm referring to are being very protective and secretive of his phone. He refused to unlock it anywhere near me, would only get on it when I went out to smoke, would be active all day on messenger while at work and swear it was a glitch, he wasn't online, sleeps with his phone under the his pillow, just... so many small things that, to me, screamed secrecy and also lies. I felt extremely anxious and over time got more direct with my questions, i.e. "since we started dating, who have you gotten nudes from? Sent them to?" No one was always the answer. I don't know exactly when I stopped believing him.
Aside from these mounting concerns, I noticed after he moved in that he had a drinking problem. Things got to where he would sort of sleep walk drunk and piss wherever he may be - which, of course, isn't okay. I would wake up and try to coax him to the bathroom, and he'd inevitably fall into a drunken rage and say horrible things to me and remember none of it the next day. So I was left with the emotional/mental weight of the things he did and said alone. I'm aware that this is unacceptable behavior, but I spent a long time considering my responsibility in the events that had transpired and just kind of brushed it off as best I could for the longest time. I'd asked him to stop getting so drunk several times, and he'd always say he would, but it never stuck.
So, naturally, this whole situation wore me down over the year we've lived together.
It came to a climax a little over a week ago. The same aforementioned drunken routine occurred but this time he said some things that really struck several nerves. Maybe I was just fed up with it. I'm not sure. I made him sleep in his room that night, and I noticed he'd left his phone under his pillow in my bed.
So I did what I never wanted to do. I went into the phone. I saw he'd been sexting several women recently- women he'd led me to believe he hated. Two were "crazy exes", one of which he'd told me about at great length because of the incredible abuse she'd put him through, who was recently incarcerated for falsely accusing another man of rape. The other I actually know, and had even talked with a year ago specifically about this sort of thing. She was being very passive and snide to me, so I asked if she was acting that way because of her history with my partner and asked if she still had feelings for him. I assured her it was totally fine by me if she did, but she didn't need to feel threatened by me - thats not the nature of polyamory. She assured me she didn't have feelings and had no interest. Welp. That was also a lie. a couple more girls I'd never heard of are on that list as well. I just confirmed every suspicion i had, and I had only opened Instagram and messenger, so I'm sure there is twice as much that I didn't see - but I didn't need to keep looking, so I didn't.
The next day while he was out of the house I messaged him - I prefer to have serious conversations with him over text, because he doesn't respond well to direct confrontation. I told him I couldn't handle it anymore- he couldn't keep treating me like shit. He acknowledged that and apologized and promised to make changes. Then, I confronted him about the cheating. He said he felt weird talking about that stuff with me even though he knew it was okay as long as he didn't lie. Also that he was kind of forcing himself with the girls he HAD told me about out of fear of being left behind - like, when I get another partner. I asked what I had done to make him feel like he couldn't be honest with me, that I'd opened the door for him to talk to me about any and all of this over and over and over, and whether I'd done anything to make him feel like I'd ever leave him behind over another partner, and he said no.
Ultimately he said he'd be more open with me going forward, and he'd stop drinking liquor. I told him I had to draw a line for my well being and this was it. I wouldn't handle be spoken to disrespectfully, and I promised I'd never touch his phone again; I also promised that if I felt he was hiding things, cheating, or lying to me again, I'd trust my gut and end it.
So, throughout the week, I've asked (since he never volunteers anything) who he's been talking to. Every day he still says no one, except one day he told me someone asked him to home kittens or some such. I know that's not true; he's a active on Facebook - i see whenever I get on. I also hear his phone vibrating from notifications. So 4 days into this week I make a point of noting that, and say, listen. You said you were going to be more open. I don't feel any of that effort. You've made no move to express your remorse, you've not been any kind of transparent, and you've not given me the reassurance I've asked for. He blew up, saying he had nothing to be open about, and chastised me for ever going through his phone in the first place. He says I need to get my mind off of his phone and stop asking him about it. I was like, surely you understand why I'm doing this, right? My trust has been shattered and you've done nothing to pick up the pieces. It bothers the hell out of me that I even have to ask. I'm still making all the effort to fix your mistake. I want to make this work but I cannot do that alone.
I dont know, yall. I feel exasperated. I'm not ready to give up on the relationship. I know that's what everyone will advise, but thats not what I'm looking for. What I do want are your experiences in rebuilding trust after an affair. What can I say to get him to open up? How much transparency is fair to ask for? I'm willing to forgive and move on but only if I see improvement. I've been so patient for so long and I'm ask understanding as I can be. I don't know how to do this. Please, lend me your advice and experiences.