AKinDC
New member
Hi everyone:
I could use a sounding board for the place in which I find myself.
Last fall I found myself wanting to move forward in my life in many ways, including possibly forging a new relationship. My last partner died five years ago; I haven't dated since then due to a few verging life crises. But those have grown manageable now, and I've grown wiser, and I felt more ready. As part of that, I contacted someone with whom I had had a very important relationship 30 years ago...not to rekindle anything, but to speak my mind about painful parts of the past and clear out my future.
He emailed me back within hours, and we spent the next six months talking through the past, with emails and weekly zoom calls. We now live on opposite sides of the country. Our history was very difficult. He was my employer, he was married, he left his marriage to be with me, grew conflicted, and our relationship of several years imploded under the pressure as I walked away from both him and my job. It was a devastating loss for me on so many levels, and it formed much of the following years for me. I was very young at the time, and he was quite a bit older. In the midst of so much that was difficult, our relationship also had a great deal of validity and love. At the time, the only way I could handle the situation was to put all my memories of this relationship behind a locked door in my mind clearly labeled "Married Boss Mistake." They stayed there for 25 years.
This man has now turned 80, and he has had a degenerative disease for the last 14 years, so his ability to communicate is continually deteriorating. Typing and speaking have both become difficult for him, but he was so grateful that I opened that door to him. We have both found our reconnection deeply illuminating and meaningful. I flew out to visit him in March, and we worked through much of what we had both been feeling 30 years ago that led to our losing each other. It has made both of us feel far more complete. We both also feel many of the same feelings that we felt before....although we didn't begin a sexual relationship again, or cross any boundaries that he wanted to set. He is still in his marriage, which is not faring well under all these pressures. He has tried talking to his wife of many decades about the truth of his relationship with me, both past and present, and their very differing views on commitment during their marriage. That is not going well. She has not agreed to going to counseling with him, so he is trying to arrange that for himself. He deeply wants to stay in touch with me, as I do with him.
I know that this situation is not typical. I know it doesn't live up to the ethical and communicative standards for polyamory that I see on the boards, and that are impressive. I don't know how much my friend can bring his life into the place of honesty he has been telling me for seven months now that he really wants. He has talked about how his love for his wife and his love for me are separate, and neither takes away from the other. I am comfortable with that, in terms of his attachments. I've had many questions for myself about my own other attachments, about how comfortable I might be with not dating other men, or dating other men, given the strong and committed feelings I have for my friend. COVID restrictions are ending, my mind is more open now to relationships than it has been for years, and I am feeling the lack of in-person and physical romance. I've not had a poly approach to life in the past, and often quite the opposite. But I've been reading these boards over the past month or so, and the opening of viewpoints and possibilities that I've seen here have really given me thoughts and maturity that I think I've needed in my life. They've also given me some ways to think through my situation with my beloved friend.
If my friend were not deteriorating, if he were 10 years younger, this would be a different picture. But we don't know how much longer he'll be able to clearly communicate, or even live. I want to be able to give and receive love from him while I can; it brings so much to both of our lives. Each day I hold the knowledge close that this man has loved me for over 30 years, and it makes me live my life more fully. I don't clearly know what else I want right now, although I do know that I want to open my life to more discussions like this. My current social life is fairly coupled; many of my friends want to find me someone to partner with....sometimes, I feel, too much so because it will make me look like them. I'm looking for poly friendly people to talk with about the messy, complicated, but fulfilling parts of my love life, and to hear similar things about their lives.
So here I am.
I could use a sounding board for the place in which I find myself.
Last fall I found myself wanting to move forward in my life in many ways, including possibly forging a new relationship. My last partner died five years ago; I haven't dated since then due to a few verging life crises. But those have grown manageable now, and I've grown wiser, and I felt more ready. As part of that, I contacted someone with whom I had had a very important relationship 30 years ago...not to rekindle anything, but to speak my mind about painful parts of the past and clear out my future.
He emailed me back within hours, and we spent the next six months talking through the past, with emails and weekly zoom calls. We now live on opposite sides of the country. Our history was very difficult. He was my employer, he was married, he left his marriage to be with me, grew conflicted, and our relationship of several years imploded under the pressure as I walked away from both him and my job. It was a devastating loss for me on so many levels, and it formed much of the following years for me. I was very young at the time, and he was quite a bit older. In the midst of so much that was difficult, our relationship also had a great deal of validity and love. At the time, the only way I could handle the situation was to put all my memories of this relationship behind a locked door in my mind clearly labeled "Married Boss Mistake." They stayed there for 25 years.
This man has now turned 80, and he has had a degenerative disease for the last 14 years, so his ability to communicate is continually deteriorating. Typing and speaking have both become difficult for him, but he was so grateful that I opened that door to him. We have both found our reconnection deeply illuminating and meaningful. I flew out to visit him in March, and we worked through much of what we had both been feeling 30 years ago that led to our losing each other. It has made both of us feel far more complete. We both also feel many of the same feelings that we felt before....although we didn't begin a sexual relationship again, or cross any boundaries that he wanted to set. He is still in his marriage, which is not faring well under all these pressures. He has tried talking to his wife of many decades about the truth of his relationship with me, both past and present, and their very differing views on commitment during their marriage. That is not going well. She has not agreed to going to counseling with him, so he is trying to arrange that for himself. He deeply wants to stay in touch with me, as I do with him.
I know that this situation is not typical. I know it doesn't live up to the ethical and communicative standards for polyamory that I see on the boards, and that are impressive. I don't know how much my friend can bring his life into the place of honesty he has been telling me for seven months now that he really wants. He has talked about how his love for his wife and his love for me are separate, and neither takes away from the other. I am comfortable with that, in terms of his attachments. I've had many questions for myself about my own other attachments, about how comfortable I might be with not dating other men, or dating other men, given the strong and committed feelings I have for my friend. COVID restrictions are ending, my mind is more open now to relationships than it has been for years, and I am feeling the lack of in-person and physical romance. I've not had a poly approach to life in the past, and often quite the opposite. But I've been reading these boards over the past month or so, and the opening of viewpoints and possibilities that I've seen here have really given me thoughts and maturity that I think I've needed in my life. They've also given me some ways to think through my situation with my beloved friend.
If my friend were not deteriorating, if he were 10 years younger, this would be a different picture. But we don't know how much longer he'll be able to clearly communicate, or even live. I want to be able to give and receive love from him while I can; it brings so much to both of our lives. Each day I hold the knowledge close that this man has loved me for over 30 years, and it makes me live my life more fully. I don't clearly know what else I want right now, although I do know that I want to open my life to more discussions like this. My current social life is fairly coupled; many of my friends want to find me someone to partner with....sometimes, I feel, too much so because it will make me look like them. I'm looking for poly friendly people to talk with about the messy, complicated, but fulfilling parts of my love life, and to hear similar things about their lives.
So here I am.