In the garden

Lance told me Jen broke up with him. I think they're still hashing things out, though. Well, judging by the number of times his phone went off during our usual Monday (my time) call she's still texting him. I'm truly sorry for them not working out because he had/has such deep feelings for her. I'm also hoping they'll stay broken up because she's simply in the too hard basket. But right now, he's hurting, and I'm sorry for that. I really want him to find a place of happiness again. I'm hoping that his time being here eventually will help him towards that place. I don't know if a relationship between us will be sustainable in the long run, but damn I'm going to be as optimistic as possible without allowing myself to buy into any notion of conditional love. My ideal would be that he's a presence in my life for a very, very long time, like Tech and Siege.

I've been thinking about Tech a lot recently. He has a hard life. His birthday is soon and we usually manage a phone call on birthdays. Last year I saw him twice, it was remarked upon. This year I haven't seen him at all. I miss him.

My last assignment for the year is due in 1 hour. It's almost written :rolleyes:

I guess I should get back to it.
 
Damn it's been a week. A hell of a week, a good week, an empty week, a strange week, an optimistic week, and a disappointing week.

I was on time with my assignment. The grade is supposed to be released some time today.

I had a small "celebratory" gathering that was a bit lower in energy that I hoped. This is really not a house for entertaining. I'd love to renovate, but there's another pipe dream. For a bunch of people who had never met each other before, it went nicely. If there's ever a next time, I'm going to skip the cheese in favour of shots. And I need to sort out a less than random playlist.

But I doubt I'll be entertaining here again.

I talked to Lance this morning. He was bright and bubbly and made me feel like everything is going to be okay. We're doing great. He'll be arriving next year. There's still a few boxes for him to tick first, but it's moving forward. I have a lot to get sorted in the meantime.

I've also let Manu know that I'm going to take a step back from him and Miz. She's struggling with opening their relationship. Intellectually she wants to not be so bothered by things, but practically, she is so stressed out and struggling to reconcile the warring parts of her psyche. It's becoming physical - she had a cold sore this weekend which I didn't know about until they arrived. I had specifically asked her if there were any restrictions on kisses this weekend, and I would have appreciated that being mentioned so I could have adjusted my expectations beforehand. My boundaries matter too, and that is one of them. Sure, I've had cold sores in the past, but it's still simply a no. So, I'm going to put the forging of individual sexually intimate relationships on the back burner with both of them. I suspect it'll never get moved back to the fore. I'll continue with the friendship with them as a couple, and even service top group activities, but their version of openness doesn't match mine. I've told her I need the 1-1, and she understands, but she just isn't emotionally okay with that, regardless of who I'm 1-1 with. I told her that I'd like to be 1-1 with her, and her immediate response was that she'd like to invite Manu to join in "if we're both feeling it." That's not what I said!

So, rather than be misread again, I'll reframe my role myself until she's really ready.
 
Tomorrow I'm taking Mike's wife Christmas shopping. It's actually a sneaky service to him since he hates traipsing around shops and supermarkets. But I also have a good time overall.

But it's going to be a long day. I'm having a short catch up with Randy in the morning to have a quick chat about what could but probably won't be, and make sure we're on the same page. Then shopping with...Therese... then an evening club meeting with Adam and other club members.

Thursday, Adam and I go on holiday, kinda. We'll have a couple of days to ourselves then family descends. But those couple of days... bliss.

I hope internet reception will be good enough for my usual calls with Lance. Worst case scenario will be text only.

Adam is being so fantastic about Lance and his slow but steady integration into my daily life. Once he's in NZ we'll be making it up as we go along, but Adam has categorically stated he will make life as easy as possible.

2019 is going to be exciting!
 
Mother in Law is back and I'm counting the days until we can go home (Thursday, today being Monday). Brother in Law has cancelled, step sons will be here around 5 hours (Adam has gone to get them because none of them can drive yet), and I'm hiding in my room waiting for Lance to call. And it's raining.

At least by this time tomorrow I'll be tipsy.

Mother in Law is an incredibly artistically talented, self sufficient, financially savvy woman who likes total control of everything around her.

And I've been summoned...
 
Adam and I got home yesterday evening. I'm still trying to shake off the ickyness that was Christmas, not to mention it's going to take a couple of weeks to lose the kilos I put on.

This evening, we're going to Miz and Manu's for an artistic endeavour. I'm technically co-topping, but I can easily leave Miz to it if I'm not feeling it.

It's less than three weeks until we move. I can't wait!!!! I'm really over living with the flatmate. He's generally inoffensive besides the clouds of Lynx that fill the house after his evening shower, he works nights so we have the evenings to ourselves, and is reasonably house trained but I'm really just wanting to leave this place behind right now. Not that we will, precisely, since we'll be coming and going throughout the year, and Lance will probably end up residing here for a bit. I'm just really wanting the next phase of life to begin and to get back to work.

***

I've just had my usual Friday call with Lance. Gosh things are feeling really good there, I'm quite smitten by now. It was hard to hang up today.
 
Last night went well. The artistic endeavour was great. I did the design and assist, while Miz did the work. Manu was thrilled with the results.

Then Miz and I talked, and we cried, and I let those new protective walls I'd crafted, collapse. And now Adam doesn't really want to go there for New Year's Eve, and I wish I could be in two places at once because I *will* spend New Year's Eve with him but I really want to hang out with them around the bonfire and in the spa. And this feels worse than before and I want to cry and crawl into a hole and not come out.
 
So we did end up going to Miz and Manu's for New Years Eve. It was a fun night.

But then. Oh but then.

Miz asked me a couple of direct questions about Manu. Ones that I didn't have a major problem answering, so I did. Yes, I'd seen him somewhere else once, at the pub, with Randy and my friend Therese. They were having after work drinks, Therese and I were planning an after shopping drink. They were in the same suburb. I opted to join them. No big deal for me. But Manu first didn't bother to tell Miz about that, then lied about it, then called me a liar when Miz told him I'd told her.

It's not like we were even on a date! It was 4 people at the pub ffs. I don't understand his need to hide that.

So then on New Year's morning, she breaks up with him. Oh the anger. I understand why she did it when people were still there (Adam, me and another friend who'd stayed the night.) So he spent some time blaming me. Once he calmed down enough to read straight I replied to his request for "an explanation" - explanation? She asked two questions and I answered them honestly but simply and told him that I had done so because I believed that they were in an open relationship not that he and I were having an affair.

Seriously, I know my ethics, I know there are men I interact with who hide it from their partners. THIS WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THAT. They were supposed to be an open couple. Furthermore, she was the one I connected with instantly, that query of recognition the first time you meet. It wasn't until I was getting to know him that things sparked, and he led the whole thing. I was extremely surprised when he first told me he liked me. I hadn't considered dating both of them. But as I spent time with both of them, he grew on me.

But he was super quick to blame me for their break up and call me a liar (buddy, I have the text conversation about which pub you're at and that Therese and I are on our way...), so I would say that that indicates it was never a genuine friendship even though I thought it was. I haven't shared those screen shots with Miz as I'm a strong believer that he/anyone I'm seeing and I should be able to have private conversations. But he deletes everything, apparently, and not just conversations with me. There's privacy, and then there's getting off of having secrets. I suspect he's the latter.

So, he's out. She's ended it and he has to leave. I suspect she was already preparing herself for this and was simply looking for a solid reason. It's been about 9 months since they got together and 4 since they moved in together. The rose tinted glasses have come off. And I'm not the only one to ask her if he has a drinking problem...

I hope he deals with whatever demons he's trying to drink into silence.
 
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Manu blames me for ruining his life and has threatened to ruin mine by outing me to my employer. He's indicated this to both me and Miz.

I'd like to think that my higher self has too much invested in me following this path I've been so strongly pointed at to let it be fucked with.

Sod him.

I'm going for a drink with Mike tomorrow. He's been all sort of chatty this last few days. And supportive, too.
 
That drink with Mike yesterday... just the thing to lift my spirits. I must admit, it would be nice to see him once more before I leave, but that's highly unlikely.

I've been exchanging a few messages with Golf today. He's about to launch his next career stage, too. It's a funny parallel.

Today is chores and work (being a Saturday and all haha). So dishes, laundry, groceries and the joy of knowing it's the last time I'll be doing a weekly shop here!! Moving happens in 9 days and I am so happy! It'll be a patchy move, a lot of back and forth since we're just using cars except for the Monday, and then we have to be back here Monday night to return the trailer first thing Tuesday. Then cars over on Tuesday, back on Wednesday for an evening thing, then back on Thursday to probably stay. OMG, I can't wait!!!!!

I'm sitting in the lounge (on the floor because that's always been my favourite work space) while Adam is on the couch. I've just decided to turn one of the work sheets I've come across into a Kahoot.

And I've flicked Shakespeare a text to hopefully tee up a date for a fortnight away when Adam is going to Sis' birthday party :)

I love it when poly just works and isn't hard work <3

Update: Shakespeare is a yes for a fortnight from now :)
 
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Damn. I seem to be a bit unwell. Headache, sore throat, and the aches and stiffness all over my body. It's the middle of the night and I'm awake.

I spent some time today with Miz. She is still processing the breakup. From what she was saying, Manu had some extremely different narratives going on with both of us. I'm not even sure I can continue to build anything with her as right now we remind each other of the toxicity that was Manu's manipulation. Perhaps time will heal, and I've got a lot of other things to concentrate on now.

I'll talk with Lance a bit later. He's had some bad news that will push our timeline back. I've been thinking he'll be here in 6 months, but that may be unrealistic now. He's also been chatting to someone in Spain, so that's exciting. So much closer, so maybe he'll get to visit there, first for a spring break and a cheer up :)

So, my immediate focus is to get better. Then move house. Then start work.

Work, Adam, Lance, and taking care of myself. That's plenty right now.
 
Yep, I'm officially unwell. I went to the doctor and he gave an initial diagnosis of glandular fever (mono). I'm 40. That's a little old. But I'm going to believe him since the other options are worse. Bloods have been done to check, so until there's any other info, I have mono. Which sucks because I'm supposed to be moving and getting ready for my new job. Luckily, it doesn't start until the 28th. I have a bit of time to recover. And I'm sure I'll feel better once the sore throat is healed. That's apparently bacterial so I have antibiotics. And the doc also topped me up on all the rest of my regular meds.

Fuck this timing. But I'll be okay.
 
Oh Mono is awful. I got it the last couple of weeks of one term at university. Trying to get stuff done was so exhausting! Rest as much as you can, or even more! Things may have to slide a bit.

Leetah
 
Thanks Leetah, yeah, I'm just doing what my body feels like, nothing more. Benefits of being child free, no actual demands on me.

My throat is currently the worst part. Feels totally torn up. I'm have antibiotics for the infection, but I'm afraid they aren't being absorbed enough. Still, it's a 10 day course, something will happen eventually. But swallowing right now... ugh. Better to be asleep. Yesterday I had terrible nausea, too, but in the little I've been awake today that thankfully seems to have subsided.
 
So the strangest thing happened today...

I had some chicken risotto for lunch. Just a packet one.

Then my throat stopped hurting. I suspected that the penicillin must have reached critical potency and I was finally getting better. Then I realised I felt really, really off my face. Like, stoned. I figured that without pain, I must be noticing the other effects of being sick. I floated along for a couple of hours before having a nap.

All the above has worn off.
No, Adam didn't lace the risotto with weed.

So, as someone who didn't grow up with chicken soup when I'm sick, (and really, chicken risotto is just chicken soup soaked up with rice) has anyone else experienced this??? Is there some kind of strange biochemical reaction that happens between chicken stock and swollen glands that results in an altered state???

I'm seriously thinking about testing it out again tomorrow ;)
 
I'm sick of being sick. I know it's barely been a week but gaaahhhhhh. I want the pain to stop. I want to be useful again. I want to go to my new house and start turning it into a home!!!!!!!!!

Yesterday I managed one water bottle. I told Lance. Today I have to have two. I'm sick of peeing! I'm also sick of everything I eat having an equal and opposite reaction.

I didn't get more chicken risotto. I couldn't actually face having the same flavour twice in a row. So today I've had an apple, a hash brown, a bit of ham, and Adam is making me Thai curry for dinner, hopefully a lot milder than usual lol.

I had a quick message from Golf today. He's about to take over his new business. So happy for him!

My professional registration was also confirmed today, and I got approved for a graduation ceremony on 16 May. It will mean taking leave, but I should have a day in lieu owing by then. I get three guaranteed tickets. I hope Lance will be here. It's going to be tricky. I know Mum and Dad will want to come, and Adam, and Lance and possibly one other. Gah. I just want an amazing day. I skipped my Master's graduation ceremony because stuff. The highlight was going to the printers and getting it and handing it in anyway. But this has been a horrible year of study and I deserve a damn graduation lol. I remember my first one, for my BA. That was an amazing day. It was held where I used to work so when the stage manager heard my name he poked his head out and gave me a thumbs up. Sure, this one is only a grad dip, but it's way more life changing than the Masters. And it is definitely the right time of my life. I'm so excited to start work.

I hope I can see Golf soon, too. I really just want to see his sparkling eyes and hear all his news.
 
Today was all about the packing. My car is loaded. We'll move tomorrow. Thank god we aren't trying to take the whole houseful. I am sure our flatmate will enjoy having this place mostly to himself. I will enjoy being away from him. He's trustworthy and financially right on the ball, but so judgemental that Adam doesn't work and I was a student last year, and that we buy from second hand stores and our TV was hand me down from my parents. He bought a new one four times the size.

I'm so ready to move.

I'm so excited to move! And my stamina is already improving even though I'm not yet through my antibiotics. And I'll get to show Lance around when we video on Friday. He told me recently that he will be working through until the end of February at his business. His house sale fell through so I have no idea when he'll be here now. It doesn't worry me, I just want him to be happy and he's not right now. I sincerely hope that he will feel relaxed when he gets here.

I have run out of thoughts. It must be ice cream time.
 
We're mostly settled in the new house! I gave Lance a video tour on Friday morning (it's now Saturday afternoon) and it's come together even more. Still wardrobe issues, like I don't have a chest if drawers yet, but it is very, very livable. I'm even cooking tonight, which is a little crazy since it's sooo hot here. But the take out money is all used up.

I'm keen to start work. I can go set up my desk on Tuesday (Monday is a regional public holiday). I have stuff I can do at home, too, but I'l always do better in the work environment.

I've been chatting with a new guy on Fet, but more of a mentoring situation. Honestly, after the Miz and Many debacle, I'm not particularly interested in meeting anyone new for anything other than conversation.
 
Life is ticking along quite easily right now.

Tomorrow I have my first day in my office, a couple of meetings etc. Similar again the next day, then Thursday and Friday it is two days of First Aid training.

Adam and I have been getting a few more bits and pieces for the new place (boring stuff - coat hanger and rubbish bins) and enjoying having a proper dining room space where we can eat together.

I had my usual call with Lance this morning. That was great. He's recently had his nose in a game that means he's been a little distracted even while we've been talking, but our last two calls he's been full attention on me. We've been talking a bit more about what intimacy together will look like - we did meet on Fet after all. The negotiations are becoming more... real... I suppose since his arrival is comparatively imminent (no, there is a not a date set, but then I'm likely not to know when there is as Lance has indicated he'll probably tee it up with Adam to surprise me). We're going to have to alter our call times as it's been mid mornings on my Monday and Friday, but now, work. Last time I was teaching Monday-Friday, I had a gap in my timetable that I used to call him. I've yet to get my new timetable, but there may be an opportunity there.

I'm super excited for classes to begin. I have a week and a half of other stuff first, but ever closer.
 
I'm enjoying the lull before the storm.

I have staff only days on Monday and Tuesday, then meet my homeroom class on Wednesday.

Today, I went to the markets in the next city. It was small since last weekend was huge due to a Vintage fair - ohhh the cars!! But I should have saved my energy for the Highland Games in the next town this afternoon/evening. But I'm over it. The rest of the day is relaxation.

Adam is up country this weekend getting ordained. Sucks I can't be there but he won't be back until Wednesday and I start work on Monday.

I didn't get my Friday call with Lance, and wow I'm feeling it. But we message every day, and I'll talk with him soon. I'm so ready for the next stage lol. He's got just over a month left at work before his business sale is completed. Then it's just the house sale and he'll be on his way here (via a trip to visit family).

I think my 'tist has given up. I turned him down last week for a spontaneous session (I was exhausted since I was still recovering from being sick). He'd reassured me the week before that he didn't mind a lack of schedule and simply enjoyed any time we got. Sure... Still, no great loss. Fuck buddy status at best, hadn't made it to FWB. He may yet reappear, but I think he's more likely to ghost, or give a short thanks but no thanks. Time differences are a bitch, especially when juggling poly as well as the rest of life. I don't like trancing when Adam is home unless it's pre-agreed, and because the 'tist didn't want a schedule it's almost impossible.

I did my own trance yesterday. That was awesome.

Back to Lance. An exposé of sorts. I gently probed a while ago, and yes, his friends know about me. He knows that mine know about him. I haven't asked the parents question because I can't come out to mine yet, although I've plated seeds about my visiting UK friend with my birth-mother. I'm going to have to divide and conquer with my parents. Mum first. But I want to be sure that we have something in person first.

I was an early casualty of online meeting. I was 21. It was 1999. I got chatting to a guy and moved countries to meet him. I thought I loved him before I got there but digital tech was young, I'd only seen one photo. It was overly flattering. There was no video and phonecalls to Australia still cost money. There was no chemistry in person, but I thought I'd committed. I was young and naïve. I learned the hard way that no chemistry means pointless endeavour. I felt like a failure when I left, despite many extenuating circumstances. He had hid his alcoholism from me online.

So now I'm realistic. Lance and I may not work in person. But I'm still optimistic alongside the realism. I'm not going to sabotage the in person experience with too much caution. And if for some reason we don't work in person, I know waaaay better how to deal with it and still be the friends we are now.

But internet relationships are so much better than 20 years ago lol. And this one started about 2 1/2 years ago now, so we're already friends first. I didn't do that with Adam. We moved in together and I remember saying to him around 5 months later that we finally felt like friends.

The test of friendship was opening up. He cock blocked me big time with Mike. Which, at the end of the day is how things were going to end up with me and Mike anyway, logistically. And Adam now totally helps with anything to do with Mike. That's now two and a half years of a bizarre type of friendship, too.


Ahh the ramblings of a home alone for a week poly gal.
 
Speak of the devil :)

I hadn't had much to do with Mike for a few weeks. That's actually quite a while in our lives. I got sick. He went back to work after the Summer holidays. Adam and I moved house and I've been gearing up for work. And since Mike and I have this beautiful fuzzy space friendship we've not spent much time chatting while all this is going on. So the conversation started casually, talking a bit about our local kink community. I've just been made the group owner, and Mike's my silent partner. I often refer to him as my mentor because he has been, and is, but we play occasionally, too.

ME: BTW, I've missed you.

ME: I'm getting all sorts of busy but I'm conscious I've been a bit absent.

HIM: Oh I was about to say that I've been quiet with starting work and shit, I've been super lazy when I get home too (kicking myself for not making more art).

HIM: But you haven't been forgotten.

HIM: <closed eyes smiley face>

ME: <red cheeked smiley face>

ME: nailed it.

...and our conversation continued on from there on the usual topics we talk about. I just love having this type of honesty that doesn't threaten and doesn't add layers of stuff that we don't need yet acknowledges that our friendship does have nuance to it.
 
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