In the garden

It's finally cooler today. It rained properly last night for the first time since we've been here. I've been formally at work for a week, which has been great and incredibly tiring, and means I've been missing Lance terribly. We've moved our Sunday night call to tonight (Saturday). He's a little snowed in this weekend, in England.

I'm really ready for him to be here. It's still going to be a while yet, but I can feel my transition from the excitement of possibility tempered with the caution of transitioning a LDR to in person (which doesn't always work) to wanting to just get on with it, to be in the same time zone as a minimum!!!!!

Adam is happy in our new home and starting to seek work here. He's wanting to build up his own body therapy practice, amongst a few other opportunities.

I'm so tired, I'm going to go enjoy some of this Saturday and then quite possibly have an afternoon nap.
 
Lance's house is back under offer. Apparently it should settle in a few weeks. The business is also due to settle around then, but he's still expecting to stay in the UK for a little while longer. He talked today about leasing an apartment for a while. And he's got work available. I've said I hope he can be here by my graduation ceremony. I *really* hope I can get another ticket for that :-/ If I can't, I might defer it until December when it's a much smaller ceremony and there is more likelihood of extra tickets. And better weather lol. After my first graduation (a December one), for my BA, I went skinny dipping in Wellington Harbour. That wouldn't happen in May, far far too cold!

I'm suddenly a little bit insecure. The "what-ifs" are in high gear, all focused on him changing his mind about coming here. It's grounded in personal history, where Trask was then wasn't then was then wasn't. But Lance isn't Trask. And I'm sure I'll get the what-ifs under control.

I have an awful lot else to focus on with work right now. And there's no hurry, god knows I could do with the time to pay off the credit card, again. Savings seems elusive this year, there's always something else Adam and I need. A car service would be good before too long, so there's several hundred dollars to conjure up.

Ugh, I need to stop thinking about this stuff. My brain just gets ugly when I think about money.
 
Lance's house finally went under contract last week.

But every signal I'm getting is that he's given up on us.
 
Oh no! I'm sorry things changed so radically!

It sounds like you haven't gotten direct confirmation since you say "signals". Asking Lance "Are you in or out?" would at least end the uncertainty so you can mourn.

Leetah
 
Thanks Leetah

I've been holding space in the hopes that things would settle down with him once he moved house and that stress was out of the way. But there's been no improvement. I specifically asked for a video call this week since I'm on school holidays and have any day available, and he's made no attempt.

I am going to have to be super blunt to get the info I need. He promised me we wouldn't drift apart, but he's stood me up on my birthday, and avoided calling me this week. Thing is, I don't know if it's because he's happy or dealing with perhaps depression. I don't want to abandon him if it's the latter, but if it's the former and he's just too nervous to tell me that he won't be visiting me/looking to move here, then I do need to know. I'll avoid spilling my disappointment all over him.

But right now, my uncertainty is spilling all over my husband and friends. I need to know.
 
Lance finally accepted a call this morning.

He's not coming to NZ.

At least, not in the foreseeable future.

But with the sale of the house and evolution of his business, he's happy. And that's all I've ever wanted for him. For a while, we thought his happiness might be here, but I suspect that what he really wanted was independence.

I am sad, but I am also a bit more secure that he still wants my friendship.
 
I saw Tech a couple of days ago.

I was in his city for my graduation ceremony, and Adam was with me, so we dropped into his work to surprise him. Almost the entire visit was sitting at a table exchanging news, but the love and care between us was palpable. It was somewhere a little over 20 years ago that we were most actively involved, although we never dated precisely, definitely in the FWB category, and that friendship was and is the cornerstone.
 
pokyfuckery

I've just had my first "casual" encounter since opening up. Totally With Adam's blessing (and no, he won't want details, this is purely for me.)

I'd met the guy this time last year, but I wasn't interested in casual. This year. however, I'm ready for a youthful escapade, even if I'm not precisely youthful.

I doubt this will spark a spate of casual encounters, I still yearn for connection and emotion in my escapades, but golly I enjoyed this evening.
 
Damn typos and not finding them within the editing window.

Polyfuckery.

There, that's better.

So, I've now got strep throat. Well, probably, but I asked the doc for a swab to be sure. Already on antibiotics. Already texted my casual guy from the other night and will do so again when the results come back.

But back to my driving desire, polyamory. This is going to sound (read) rather wrong on so many levels, but I'm going to write it anyway. I feel like a part of me is missing now I don't have Lance. I so strongly identified with being a hinge of a V, it felt so right, that as well as mourning the loss of our intimacy, I am feeling the loss of the poly part of my identity now I'm basically monogamous again. I don't have any other extramarital relationships that are so close as that was, and I feel like a poly fraud right now. [edit: fraud isn't quite right, I just feel like I'm a relationship short right now.]

Admittedly, I also have been throwing myself into work more than fostering other connections, and I hope to get a better balance again soon.
 
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I got to have a video call with Lance this morning (just now).

I love him so much still it was difficult to not cry at one point, but it's not about sadness right now, so I hid it well.

I wish I could save up to visit him, but right now the finances are terrible. Adam is about to start retraining, and although the course is totally free, he'll have zero ability to earn during the intensive training period.

I just need to focus on getting good at my job. Payrises will come in time. Student debt will be paid down in about 5-6 years. That will make a difference to the take home pay. Of course I don't want to wait that long to see Lance, but if I just keep chipping away at life things will get better.
 
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I spent time chatting with Mike yesterday. So good to reconnect.

Golf also made a brief appearance, rather stuck his foot in it, and didn't stick around to be in any way supportive. He can be an incredibly selfish man at times.

I really need to name the American. Old Hippy, perhaps. That will do for now. Our main medium of deep conversation is e-mail, and I spent a couple of hours yesterday indulging in baring my soul. I have another part of that particular - cough - task to do, so I need to manage my time well today to get through that and all of the work I need to do.
 
And so, I came down with a head cold *and* a sore back yesterday. I struggled through work today and I'm no doing any of my own homework right now because I feel like absolute crap. I'm watching TV to attempt to ignore the tinnitus (which is already permanent, but worse right now).

I'm so sick of being sick! I'm still on antibiotics from a strep throat, but at least that's preventing secondary infection right now from the cold. I wish I had a couple more days, just to shake the worst of this. And it's definitely the worst head cold I've had yet. My boss said to take the first two classes off tomorrow (unless I wake up a LOT better). I need to look into some better gut health I guess.
 
Mike messaged today, a smirk conversation opener, which I simply replied to with the sneezing emoji. He quickly got the hint and just offered up a messaged hug. What he's waiting for is confirmation I've followed an instruction he gave me. He'll be waiting a while because I have zero interest in following it when I feel like this.

Lance is buried in work. He needs an employee already. I hope he can get his old one back.

Adam is busy with his training course to be an ambo, day and night. But he's also looking after me in the evenings that he's home.

I still owe Old Hippy a photo of me dressed up elegantly, but this head cold is so full on the very last thing I feel is elegant right now. And I have to find a damn dress.

I've neglected Shakespeare terribly, by then I'm sick so often and his immune system is compromised due to chronic illness that I'm best to stay away. But seriously, I'm well so few weekends I feel like I owe them to Adam and work whenever I can. The one exception is the munch I host back in my old region that I still go across for to see my friends.

I'm a little miffed at Golf right now for mocking how tired I've been.

Miz and I have a video chat a couple of times a month. She's met a great bloke.

And I've been talking to a new guy in my old region. Probably gonna go nowhere, but he's at least a decent conversationalist.
 
My helpful colleagues are sympathetic and also advising I start taking vitamins and whatnot. I have been having the garlic/vit C stuff, but it's not making a difference. So B12 and probiotics will be my future. I'm wincing at the cost but I guess I'm not eating well enough to avoid it. I miss the raw milk supply that used to be nearby. New legislation on labeling killed the small business. Seriously, I'm literally buying the stuff from the other side of the wall that the cows were milked, I don't need a label warning me it's not pasteurised.

What I do need is to be well again. I want to have energy to do something fun, visit somewhere, someone. Just something different.
 
It's Friday and I'm barely clinging on. Thank god I'm an extrovert and get energised when I'm in front of my classes. But I'm barely organised and just want to cry all the time I feel so horrible, physically. Tomorrow I can lie in at least.

I had a couple of messages with Lance this morning, letting him know that things could be looking up financially as collective bargaining for my employment contract seems to be nearing something acceptable. I'm praying for back pay to be able to get back on top of the finances. I'm so wishing to visit him, but tbh right now would be terrible anyway as his new business is running him ragged, so fingers crossed he can hire sooner rather than later.

Mike is having tests. Serious ones. He has a lump.

Adam is enjoying the start of his course, besides some technology difficulties.

And I think I need some kind of life coaching. Except I can't afford it lol.
 
I spoke with Lance for a good long chat this morning. I was quite up front about my ideas to be able to afford to visit him, but how they are also very hard to actually work towards since my employment contract is still up in the air. I just won't know for a while yet. Regardless, it involves selling my car, which isn't worth a lot anyway. But it should get me a cattle class airfare.
 
Chatting with Mike this morning was good. In short, we do authority transfer at times, and the ante has been upped a little to help me deal with the next few weeks at work while my stress levels are rather high.
 
Bloody hell, I have an actual date! Random guy messaged me on Fet last night, caught me in a chatty mood (Adam was out for the evening), didn't steer the conversation in all the wrong directions, and then said he'd do the trip to meet me on Friday before he flies out for the weekend (later that evening). Adam is out elsewhere so I thought I'd just be going home and having a quiet night, and instead I get to have an after work beer with a professional guy who I won't have to awkwardly try and extract myself from since he'll have to go to the airport soon enough.

But, today is only Thursday, so I must be patient. So I have an evening in with Adam to look forward to. I've been so stressed with work lately, or sick, that I haven't been good company in the evenings, so it's our time to just spend some quality time together.
 
Random guy cancelled (well, supposedly a rain check) because of something about a different flight time. Serves me right for getting my hopes up.

Mike had his biopsy today. He said it hurt way more than he thought it would.

I'm exhausted, again.
 
I took today off. My head is still full of cold, but happily it hasn't gone to my lungs like it was threatening to yesterday.

This morning I got phone calls done and bills paid, a chat with Miz and then quite a long back and forth on WhatsApp with Mike. I wrote a post for my Fet group. I will cook dinner soon enough. I finally feel like I can tackle the rest of this week.

I'm still hoping to hear from Random Guy, but I'm being old fashioned and I'll give him a couple of days to contact me before I send a message. He was the one who wanted the rain check after all.

I've developed a terrible habit. Anytime I feel like things aren't going so evenly in my marriage, I'm saying, "I don't feel like I've been a good wife recently" when deep down I am actually feeling the opposite - that there's sometimes I feel Adam needs to step up with. It's taken me a while to even recognise this myself, so now I have I can start amending it. It's mostly because I'm struggling so much with work. I'm 6 months in to what has to be at least two years without major financial penalty (plus, of course, what the hell else would I do) and this is the only job I've really not been able to set down at the end of the day. I either need to work harder to alleviate the stress, or stay stressed and hope next year isn't so bad because I'll have a lot of stuff sorted already.

In the meantime, so much financial stress and workload stress. I'm beginning to see Lotto as a bloody investment rather than money down the drain :(
 
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