In the garden

So, I had a 24 hour date with Magus last weekend. That was cool, we get on well. I was exhausted for a while after but finally got a refill of some drowsy-making antihistamine and slept for over 10 hours. Bliss.

Puck and I haven't coincided for another call but I'm staying optimistic. We just had a quick message session and he'll reappear properly when a work deadline is met in a couple of days.

I'm leaving Lance to contact me. It's a horribly mean "test" but hell, even Mike is sending me photos of where he's working right now. He knows how much I'll appreciate it hahaha.

And I got a pay rise. One I wasn't expecting. I double checked and it's actually in writing, not an error on my payslip. I am desperately trying to *not* count my chickens before they're hatched, but I get so much back pay I can afford my passport this week. Tomorrow if I can figure the application out. SQUEEEEEE. Sure, the UK may not be on the cards anymore if Lance doesn't want me to visit, but there's always Puck in the States (Ohio, god help me).

But, first, moving out of here in 3.5 weeks. Sigh.
 
I've had a nice long email from Puck, and now it's my weekend I will have some time to reply at leisure. He's on holiday right now so not spending too much time online, so no urgency. I'm so excited by this guy, he's quite remarkable.

I can't order my new passport until I have my old one in hand, and that's a couple of weeks away until I get back to our other place for my monthly visit (which I missed last month so the gardens are going to be just ugh).

Not a lot else happening right now. Golf has opinions on how I should manage my pay rise, and they are the most sensible (save/invest in low risk managed funds) and I'm thinking that's probably what I'll actually do because growing capital makes me happy. I'm going to need to buy a new mattress soon, too, because this one is absolute rubbish. I reckon it's the primary reason my back is terrible right now. Then we'll need bond for next year and etc etc etc. So I will still get my passport, but it's not for an immediate purpose. I need new ID anyway though, in my married name. Damn living so far away from everywhere. Flights are cripplingly expensive.

I'll just keep praying Adam gets a job next year. He fully supports me traveling alone as soon as we can afford it. He's been. I haven't. And I'm beginning to resent myself for that.
 
I'm grouchy and don't want to email or do the work I should be doing or chores or anything at all really. Chocolate, liberal quantities thereof, may become the prescription. Adam's gone out and I should, too. I don't get out of the house enough. It feels like I'm in a holding pattern right now as we move in three weeks. That's what I'll do...start packing.
 
Last night I thought, fuck it, and applied for a mortgage (pre approval). Worth finding out where I stand. There's only one thing around here I could maaayyyybbbee afford and it's a do-up. I've put an inquiry in there, too. Now, I wait for people to get back to me.

Speaking of which, Puck is just about at the end of his holiday and we'll most likely finally get that call this coming weekend. Adam is out almost all weekend, so I have no other plans beside maybe getting some banana boxes to start packing books. And I'll pack some glassware and crockery.

But first, three more work days to go.
 
So, I don't qualify for even a $200,000 mortgage despite having no debt besides student loan (interest free). No hire purchases, hell, my phone handset isn't even included in my plan. But I have only the minimum deposit and insufficient cash assets at this time. So the plan is to open a new investment account with my bank and pay into it regularly for the next 3 fortnights. I can start that on Tuesday.

I kinda wish it was even more old fashioned where I could talk to someone in person. I run a spreadsheet that balances every week. If I could share and explain that, they'd see I'm a low risk. But this is why I applied for pre approval, to find out the gaps I need to plug.

I realised in hindsight that I didn't describe the "extra income" which is actually more like "throughcome" because of the family property we are responsible for. As much rent comes in as goes out and I end up topping up utilities which is still cheaper than a commercial storage unit. But I want rid of that property, or some serious revision of the circumstances.

What I really need is Adam earning. That would make it a no brainer for the bank. But I'm also disillusioned. The government has been trying to make it easier for first home buyers, and I can't even get a mortgage that would buy a do up in a part if the country where property is still "affordable." Except it's not. We have a ridiculously high cost of living here.

So, I'll give this another go in 6 weeks. If I see a property before then (highly unlikely) then I can call my current bank's liaison I spoke to today or I'll have a go through a mortgage broker and try they can try all lenders. I just tried my regular bank first since my employment union has a rate discount.

Something will happen, always does.
 
Wow.

Got to have a long call with Puck again.

This is going to be one hell of a ride.
 
It's Wednesday and I'm trying not to wish the week away, but I have a call with Puck planned for Sunday.

Things are actually going to get pretty hectic for a while as Adam and I have to move our of our current house by the 6th, but before we got that news I'd signed up go a professional conference in another city for the 1-4th. I'm afraid I'm leaving him the lion's share of moving, again, but it can't be helped. I'll come back for the cleaning. I'm getting sick of moving but there will be more in our future.

I tried doing some budget projections as if we had a mortgage (and rates and insurance etc) and the numbers really don't work on a sole income. Still, boarding instead of renting will mean some good savings in the bank.

I have a week off after moving so I'll aim to recover some energy during then.
 
There are times, even amid the chaos, where we have to hurry up and wait. The next hour and a bit is one of those times.

I'm back in the town where we have the family property. I've done some gardening (aka, weed spraying) and being Sunday morning, I'm not diving headlong into the lawn mowing. Although I'll have to get it done later today as rain is forecast for tomorrow.

The night shift working housemate is sleeping, so I can't do the neglected vacuuming although I am horribly allergic to the house right now. I've tried taking antihistamines, but the only real solution seems to be getting outside. I should go for a walk around the neighbourhood or something but you know how it feels when the allergies are running that high, I just want to crawl into bed and sleep. Being this "sick" is going put a real damper on the call with Puck.

I am going to play today by ear, I'm supposed to be staying here tonight but the way I'm feeling, I think I'd rather drive home even if I don't get there until midnight.
 
The phone call with Puck was amazing even though I was definitely under the weather. We covered off some agreements about what our limitations are, but also what our hopes are.

There's no doubt that we have a really amazing connection.

I was thinking about it. It's not love, or conventional lust (which tends to manifest first if you've spent time in the same room as someone), or even really friendship yet (although that's building nicely). But what it is, is truly, purely D/s. And we're both thriving from it.
 
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I'm in Magus' city this week at a conference (and he sponsored me to be here). I was supposed to be staying with him (and their polycule) but he came down with a nasty cold so he found an AirBnB for me to sleep at. I may come down with something anyway since I'm around so many people all the time this week, and I'm exhausted, and the weather has not been great. I am taking this morning slowly, and I don't think we'll be too long at the conference dinner. Part of me wants to go home and recover! Part of me wants to be doing holiday things here, not just conference things. I'm going to surprise my parents on Friday before I go home. I wish I could see Hermit, too, but there's just no time.

Puck shows as being on Messenger almost constantly but then only occasionally shows as having read messages. I sent him some photos from this city yesterday evening. He hasn't seen them yet and I hope he enjoys them when he does. He said he was going to write to me last night, but something has prevented that happening. It's not the first time he's intended to email but hasn't. I can manage my thoughts and feelings around that as he's being very good at keeping call dates.

Which reminds me, I'll be attempting a call with Lance next week. We're evolving into a new level of contact (i.e. not very much) but it's beginning to work.

I have two hours before my next seminar (I ditched this morning's keynote) and I'm not sure whether to keep lying in bed, or get out and go find a decent big breakfast. Inertia will likely win.

By the time I get back to Adam he'll have moved all our stuff to storage and we'll be boarding and living out of one room again. Sigh.
 
I'm deeply unhappy about the change of living situation, but needs must.

Puck isn't available until at least tomorrow because of local weekend commitments, which I fully get, it's no problem. However, I am noticing my desire to speak with him climbing rapidly. With him, I can experience something remarkable and I currently crave that experience as much as I look forward to talking with him all about our respective past weeks and all the other things we talk about, too. I'm really enjoying getting to know him.

I am frustrated by how helpless I feel right now over my own circumstances. We operate fortnightly pay cycles here and right now it seems a very long time between fortnights and the ability to put some savings in the bank. And it's always less than I budget for because some sneaky expense rears its head. I know I should know everything that is due, but the annual ones that don't give any forewarning just annoy me. I keep building them into the spreadsheet as they occur. And then a headlight blows in one of the cars and that's another surprise expense. I am really ready for next year to be easier.

I saw my parents a couple of days ago. I broke down and just cried. I should be a successful adult by now, but I'm not. I can't afford a house, travel, anything. And the closest thing they have to a grandchild is my cousin's kid who my aunt brings to visit them weekly. I really don't like hearing about that, it's just another thing I feel I've failed on, but the only thing I've ever been extremely certain of in life is that I don't want kids. I know they've accepted that about me, but I don't want to hear about how they're plugging the gap I left them. They don't see it like that, I'm sure, it's just my crazy hang ups. Honestly, my parents are great, supportive and nothing but kind to me.

I started this poly journey around 5 years ago. It's easy now, it's just normal. I'm sure things would be a little harder if someone local came into either Adam or my life and we had to make more/new adjustments but right now, I occasionally go visiting, I have my weekly-ish call with Puck, and Adam is highly focused on his current course. I hope within six months I will be telling you all the good news that it's resulted in him finding employment. We will wait and see.
 
Oh gosh, I've just had a short call filled with technological difficulties with Puck and even then I'm absolutely floored at how profoundly I respond to these moments of contact. Thank god we don't live in the same town, we'd both need at least a week off work to not have to leave the house while we worked through this intensity! That's not entirely a euphemism, there is so much going on here of which we've only just scratched the surface.

I'm not sure how we're going to manage this as it continues to grow, but then that's so often how life goes. Each new person, situation, etc. is often going to be muddled through, hopefully with more finesse than previous times as we take past lessons forward, but with new things to navigate (and probably screw up). I have a really good feeling about this, though.
 
I just had a call with Lance for the first time in simply aaaaages. He was still very flirty, which surprised me, but I don't object. His business is thriving and I am genuinely absolutely thrilled for him. He made the right decision and I still one day might be able to visit him, but life has some more twists and turns in it before then. I have a lot right here that needs to be sorted out before I can possibly think of traveling around the world. Well, I think of it a lot, but it's just not practical.

It's good to know that Lance hasn't lost interest in me as a fuzzy space person.
 
Puck.

Whew, this is an incredible week, and thank goodness it's not over. We've been talking every day and it's moved along somewhat. It's interesting using camera based communication, you can't ever look the other person exactly in the eye, and camera angles make such a difference. Today, for the first time, he was sitting on the floor with the camera at perfect eye level (rather than looking down into it). It felt a lot different, like I was sitting on the ground with him, as if at a campfire, two friends easily just sharing a moment away from whatever else is going on around. And then he moved, and I told him about my perceptions. He said we'd play with camera angles more. I'm looking forward to that because I did like that sense of being "eye to eye".

If there's one thing I'll be doing my utmost to do it's to go visit him. I left it too late with Trask. With Lance the distance always seemed insurmountable. With Puck I'm not going to deny myself like I have in the past.

And I'm sure between now and then there will be the most incredible journey over this online medium. We've barely scratched the surface.
 
Adam and I finally spent a night together which felt somewhat like a real date night.

It started with dinner and we tried a new Indian curry. Neither of us really liked it as it had more Chinese flavours than Indian. While at the restaurant I had one of my fluttery heart episodes so that put a damper on things. We finished up and came home and lay down for a while until I was starting to feel better. Then a simple card game, followed by a memory game we use to learn things. I'd forgotten so much, so we're going to do more of that in the not too distant future.

By the end of that I was feeling normal again, and we ended up making out! This is incredibly rare these days, so I was delighted that it slowly unfolded into quite energetic sex. We thought we had the house to ourselves, we probably did for a lot of it, but I'm slightly concerned that the person I board with got home from their dinner out earlier than I thought they would :( However, the re-connection was far more important than the decorum.

Yesterday I also spent money on myself, a lot of money on new sports shoes. This is monumental for me. I haven't bought anything that expensive ($175) for myself for a very long time. Admittedly, the passport will go on the back burner for a little while, but the reality is that I will get more use from the shoes (I've joined the gym, too!) than from the passport for at least 6 months.

Adam headed off to a work training course early today. I'll be talking with Puck in a couple of hours. In the meantime, I think I'll go do a very, very gentle gym session. Damn heart.
 
Today, I took a day off the gym and sensible eating. I had almost the whole day with Adam and we decided to go visit a friend who's moved to within an hour away. It was lovely seeing her again. She's his friend originally but is always inclusive of me in the conversation. Her art studio is phenomenally busy, and she also has two part time jobs as artists tend to do. I feel like I could learn a lot more from her if I actively cultivated that relationship, but I feel like I have my plate full at the moment, not the least of which is with my job.

I also want (need) to get better at using the hours in the day so that I can be more creative. Not sure what doing, yet, considering my limited space, but something will occur to me as I'm actively on the lookout for it.

I'll aim for early to bed, early to rise tonight. I want to go back to the gym.
 
I have made it to the gym on Monday and Wednesday before work. Tuesday was rubbish because I was woken in the middle of the night by a storm and didn't really get back to sleep.

I got to speak with Puck for 15 mins this morning, too. We're both feeling the effects of going from daily calls to the next scheduled one being Sunday, so a little bit of touching base is good.

On Friday night I'm going to Miz's birthday party with Adam. I'll finally get to meet her new fella! I'll be driving up after work so I'll be a bit knackered by the time we get there, but I perk up around people.

Then on Saturday, Adam and I will go to Mike's gallery exhibition.

On Sunday I'll get that long call with Puck.

I better be really organised for next week lol!
 
I need a day with my duvet. I think this must be PMS, but I don't want to take a break in my pill until after next weekend, just in case. At least next weekend is a three day one. Even though I have places to go and people to see, I'll still have an extra day for me.

Miz's birthday was pretty damn awesome. One of the best parts was being there with Adam as a couple. For married people, we hardly ever get to do that.

I actually had a spontaneous call with Lance on Saturday night. It was a really good conversation. Left me still wanting to visit him.

And Puck. Oh my gosh, Puck. Our call last Sunday was a little different. It seemed to be over in a blink (although it was around 90mins) and I am really hanging out for the next call because I simply miss talking with him.
 
The other day I asked Adam if he was happy to listen to me talk about Puck for a moment. He said yes. I didn't say much, just that things were going really well, that I do intend to visit him, and that the D/s compatibility is incredibly good (p.s. that's an understatement.)

Adam's response: a genuine, compassionate, "it's about time."

He knows how picky I am lol.

He's genuinely really happy for me - not necessarily compersion happy because we're not even living together right now (yes, again) due to circumstances and I'm not one to walk around on cloud 9 in front of him, but when I do share these little bits, he's happy for me.
 
Recently, I've been in touch with Mike most days, sometimes just a hello, sometimes something more substantial. So we teed up that he'd fix my work's 3D printer this weekend, and Adam dropped it over there yesterday. He had it fixed and working in about an hour. I get to go pick it up on Sunday! And he'll make sure it will talk to my work and personal laptops. Yay, I get to learn something new. Double yay, I get to see Mike for a second weekend in a row.

So that will be after I talk with Puck on Sunday. Doing work stuff with Mike will help me bring my head back down out of cloud 9, which is where I tend to end up after talking with Puck.

Then back home on Sunday evening and because Monday is a public holiday, I get to spend some quality time with Adam. About time!
 
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