In what way is he attracted to me?

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Elayne

New member
Oh I'd certainly say it to your face.

You seem to be in a cycle where you think your own self-destructive behaviors are a punishment or "consequence" for others. They arent. You only hurt yourself and people you love.

Right now, this second, you could send a message to Jade and block him if you can't keep away. Delete his number. That would be a first step.

Then you could think about how you're going to gain independence. You could hash out some ideas with people on and offline. Make a plan. Start on the first goal.

Sometimes you just have to do the step(s), almost on autopilot, and hope everything else catches up.
Excuse me but your advice is generally really horrible. So thanks for nothing.
You may leave and be nasty and cruel towards people in your real life but I'm not gonna fall for your trolling any longer.

Why am I supposed to block the first person who has made me feel absolutely fantastic in decades? I have no reason to do so. And also he owes me a lot of dates :3.

I know from experience that I can do things on autopilot if I'm really tired and really desperate but Jade is not going anywhere anytime soon. He fucks like a champ and is an absolutely beautiful human. The only thing I'm wondering is when and how to let him know that I really, really like him...
 

Elayne

New member
Okay, so you originally asked in what way is Jade attracted to you. Since none of the respondents are Jade, any answer is purely speculation based off a lot of combined experience.

The people who have answered you are experienced and knowledgeable in polyamory (and often in kink). We are not your peer group, trying to decipher life as it unfolds, rather we are offering insight because we've been there, done that in many different configurations.

We know the way through leaving first relationships, and second, and navigating mental health, sub optimal work, living and financial circumstances.

We know that if we are curious as to how someone is attracted to us, we ask that person, not share anecdotes and try to guess someone's motivations.

We understand the allure of New Relationship Energy (NRE) in a D/s context. We also understand that not everyone we are intimate with is going to become a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship even if both people are enjoying the hell out of learning each other.

And now I'll switch back to first person because i will again try again communicate my response.

I read and write on my phone and I can miss details in long posts, I see I missed earlier that your mum is manipulative and lacks boundaries, and literally compensates you with money.

I'm perplexed as to why you say you only sometimes contribute to groceries. There must be a culture mismatch between you and I. I understand what you say about wrapping your head around applying for welfare. I didn't like doing it when I was depressed at 22, but I was guided by those with more experience and I learned it wasn't "money for nothing" - it was money to help me regain my independence and mental equilibrium. I also lifted the financial burden from my parents (who I had to live with for a little while).

I know it's hard to change course when your life seems to be headed in a particular direction, even if that direction is mostly because of inertia. It seems like you are getting ready to make changes though, although are a little unconfident to make the big, necessary, ones.

Btw, hindsight is really the only way you'll have clarity on such things and the best way to gain hindsight is to move through the present and into the future.

It's time to really make some changes. Also, have a wee chat to your therapist about rejection sensitivity. They likely have some coping strategies you can learn.

And please try to reframe welfare in your mind. You'll pay it back with taxes once you can work.
Actually I'm not confident at all that I'll be able to ever pay back. I have no confidence and don't trust myself regarding paid work because I'm pretty talentless. Unfortunately I also don't feel like the future holds anything promising for me either 😌. I'll just keep living from my mum's money, have no children and die eventually, either from suicide or overdose. I've tried to be more positive and stand up so many times but life has made sure I fall and fail every time. I'm starting to wonder why I'm even trying.

As for the groceries thing. What exactly are you surprised about? We try to split everything 50/50 but after 6 years you stop counting. I'm not sure if we really did split costs this evenly over the years but I do hope we did because I hate feeling like I owe shit to anyone.

But btw, I expected to read from an interesting, experienced bunch on here and so far I was not disappointed. I actually wanted to learn from you guys and girls what kind of motives Jade might have. What might, from your poly point of view, motivate him to promise me dates and check in with me twice a week? Why does he even care? I have to add he motivated me to write him 5 things I'm thankful for every day. I asked him whether he's starting to feel annoyed by that but he reassured me they are like little gifts and that he wants me to go on. Apparently he really likes reading about the things I'm grateful for but ever since I read the first reply on here I've stopped writing him because I felt so down I couldn't think of anything.
 

Evie

Kaitiaki
Staff member
This thread is clearly getting nowhere you particularly want it to go. Just go back to letting things unfold with Jade as they will. We can't help you guess his motives.
 

Elayne

New member
On this I would tend to agree, however the problem is that you are using deception to handle this issue, instead of integrity.

  • You saying "I agree to live monogamously", then not being monogamous in secret, is deception. The fact that you don't agree with the concept of monogamy is just your excuse for being deceptive.
  • You saying "I know that we initially agreed to be monogamous, but I have come to understand that is just not who I am. I will no longer participate in an exclusivity agreement" is behaving with integrity. You have not used your lack of agreement with monogamy as an excuse to deceive people who you claim to care for.
Integrity builds trust because people know where we stand, they know we will be honest if we change in a way that could impact them, and they know that we will take our own values seriously. It implies that we are empathetic about where they stand, that we will not harm them should their stance change, and that we will take their values and boundaries seriously.

Deception gives us the opposite of all of that. People don't trust us because we are not trustworthy. The don't depend on us because we are not dependable. They do not find us to be admirable because... well why would they?

It may well be that you don't value any of these things, which is fine, but it's still cruel to let someone function in our orbit under the misunderstanding that we do value those things. The humane thing to do is to let these people off the hook so that they can go associate with someone who values the same things they do.
Well I do understand all of that. And I agree that still living with my bf without him knowing what I did is super shitty of me. I reassure you that I feel bad about it and that if I knew he won't kick me out I would tell him right away. What makes matters more complicated though is a) we're in a band together b) he has an 8-year old daughter who really likes me and c) we have a super lovely hamster together and I wanna be able to see my fluffy baby regularly
 

Elayne

New member
People tend to attract those who re-affirm existing internal beliefs. We tend to surround ourselves with people that have similar ethics, behaviors, and interests to our own. It is no mystery to me how you have come to find yourself surrounded by two men who appear to have compromised ethics. Like attracts like and you reap what you sow.

When immersed in a reference group that has been carefully cultivated to maximize validation and comfort, it can be jarring to experience the communication styles of those outside of your reference group. And that is one of the neat things about the internet, you receive feedback from a group of people more diverse than a real-life friend group.



My friends were dying from ODs and suicides; girlfriends hated me because I was dishonest about being in multiple sexual relationships. It was more an act of desperation than strength. In hindsight, cutting ties with my reference group was probably the most beneficial thing I did. It may have even saved my life. But in the beginning it was baby steps. Mustering up the courage to look at myself in the mirror and tell myself that I was worth something, or that I liked myself. Accomplishing small goals, then standing on those achievements to tackle larger goals. It is an iterative process. It never really got easy for me, I just became accustom to constantly trying. Reaping the benefits those efforts (like making money, and experiencing more fulfilling relationships) became encouragement.
I'm so glad you got your shit together in the end, very admirable! So basically you completely started over and started a new life? What made you discard suicide as an option?
 

Marcus

Well-known member
The only thing I'm wondering is when and how to let him know that I really, really like him...

I'm beginning to think that you are actually just pulling our collective leg.

If you want to know what someone thinks, you need to ask them. You do know that, don't you?
 

SEASONEDpolyAgain

Active member
Excuse me but your advice is generally really horrible. So thanks for nothing.
You may leave and be nasty and cruel towards people in your real life but I'm not gonna fall for your trolling any longer.

Why am I supposed to block the first person who has made me feel absolutely fantastic in decades? I have no reason to do so. And also he owes me a lot of dates :3.

I know from experience that I can do things on autopilot if I'm really tired and really desperate but Jade is not going anywhere anytime soon. He fucks like a champ and is an absolutely beautiful human. The only thing I'm wondering is when and how to let him know that I really, really like

The reason why is because at the moment you're an entitled, spoilt selfish little girl using everyone to hold your life together. Breaking up with Jade who is only interested in using you for sex and kink and would likely never dream of commiting to someone so immature and burdensome would show that somewhere deep, deep down inside, you are a decent person with compassion and kindness and you want to be better than the person you are now.

It would help you see that actually, you're just comfortable with everyone doing everything for you and you are capable of working out steps and taking them on your own.

The reason you probably enjoy the sex is because ever since you were a child, you've been groomed by older men who likely care little about your sexual satisfaction and now you have a man that kind of cares about that.

Unlike your therapist, your mother or your creepy boyfriend, I'll tell you straight that you're a person with some terrible values and so far I cannot see one redeeming feature. This is why you attract creeps, perverts and users.

I will not sugarcoat this while you use your mental illness as an excuse for harming others including yourself.

You should break up up both of these men and get some help before you start bringing kids or others into this mess. You have no business near children at this stage.

He's attracted to you because you're a young good fuck that is stupid enough to stay around even when he makes it clear you will never make it to a partner status.
 
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Evie

Kaitiaki
Staff member
FYI Elayne, if you find this level of bluntness overwhelming, you can ignore any member by clicking on their name and the clicking the ignore button.
 

Elayne

New member
FYI Elayne, if you find this level of bluntness overwhelming, you can ignore any member by clicking on their name and the clicking the ignore button.
Thank you, Evie. I think I can deal with this idiot somehow but no use worrying about that on Christmas eve.
 

Elayne

New member
So I talked to Jade yesterday and got all the answers I needed. Tonight I'm gonna enjoy Christmas eve though but I'll get back to this tomorrow.
Merry Christmas, everyone!
 

ref2018

Maid of All Work
Staff member
So I talked to Jade yesterday and got all the answers I needed.

That's fantastic. I hope some of the advice in this thread helped with that. If not, then you did a good job handling it without any help from us! Way to go!

Tonight I'm gonna enjoy Christmas eve though but I'll get back to this tomorrow.

Wonderful! You can start fresh, with a whole new thread. This conversation has served its purpose and is now closed to further replies.
Merry Christmas, everyone!
Likewise! Happy New Year, as well!
 
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