In what way is he attracted to me?

[Elayne]

Hello lovelies,

So I´m new here and hope to gain some insights from experienced poly people for this particular case .
To get right to the point- There is this human I fell for completely unexpectedly.
He happens to be male but he has an overwhelmingly angelic, loving, compassionate aura and I say this probably being on the high functioning autism spectrum so I´m not fond of people that much in general. I´ve honestly never seen anyone quite like him, so naturally he started to fascinate me very much.
Because despite being so caring and loving he has no issue with being super kinky, rough and dominant during sexual activities.
Initially I planned on only meeting up and having a casual shibari session since he was about to leave for a place warmer than here for about 6 months.
Said man is very experienced and knows what he´s doing in many aspects - BDSM, the swinger scene, clubbing, you name it...

Anyway. We met 5 times before he left, starting in October. After the first session (I wore leggings and a bra) we agreed it was awesome and wanted to repeat it, so we did. The second time I wanted to feel him and the ropes more so I got naked and I completely drifted into subspace the second I felt the tension rising in the room. I felt like kissing him so much yet felt torn at first because well...I had and still officially have a boyfriend.

Little background info at this point- I´m aware this is not what polyamory is about and I´m aware many people will consider this to be unacceptable but here´s what happened. Right when I met said guy (let´s call him Jade) I had decided to once more give it my all and muster up my energy to try and get out of my recurring bouts of depression. It was pretty bad, severe at times, including suicidal ideation, self harm, etc.
I had started realizing that my entire life I´ve been doing what my mother wants me to do and who she wants me to be and sacrificed way too much of myself and my energy on anyone but myself. My relationship of 6 years had stopped being sexually and romantically interesting for me and I was pretty sure my current partner is not for life (I knew that from the beginning but 5 years ago I was still in love).
After the first time with Jade I felt so energized and fascinated that I had to visit him again of course. It was like a drug on two levels - his personality + shibari. I would go to his apartment without thinking much about it. All I knew is that I needed this and wanted this so, so bad. I wasn´t thinking about whether or not I´m catching feelings. I just knew that these sensations are something I haven´t even remotely experienced in many, many years. And while I was aware I´m cheating because this was not what I had agreed upon with my monogamous af bf I just felt like my heart and everything inside me needs and craves this.

Anyway, Jade was confused but we finally kissed and he was happy about it, too. Later that day another girl came over and we kinda had a threesome except that Jade didn´t fuck me- I was still hesitant about that but only because I felt so bad about cheating. The third time we met we had sex. I just couldn´t resist and oh boy, the experience was mind-blowing and I was in subspace super hardcore. Jade even fulfilled my wish of being choked and made me experience full suspense. To be honest, my bf and anything I have ever experienced with him can´t compare.
Through my experiences with Jade I realized I had tried to ignore my masochistic/submissive self for all those years since my bf is not kinky. I had shunned my kinky side and suppressed it the best I could. But of course I "failed". It all made sense within seconds when after the 2nd session I whispered that I feel like such a freaky weirdo. But Jade just put his hand on my hair, caressed me and said "No, you´re not a freak. You´re a wonderful human being". I started crying and he hugged me, reassuring me everything about myself is okay the way it is. As you can imagine, it was such heart-warming aftercare that I felt completely high and jolly for the rest of the day.

Anyway, after we had sex the 3rd time around two of his friends came to his place and we went to a sex positive party together. We had fun but unfortunately I got overwhelmed by the music and the crowd after two hours and went outside with Jade. Then we went to his home, he took care of me and I fell asleep.
When I woke up in the morning it didn´t take long and him and one of his friends (both female btw, he´s pretty much straight) came and laid next to me. I started to caress his face and his hair and his upper body because my hands just naturally gravitated towards there. I really, really felt like doing something good to this sweetheart and he started breathing a bit faster. Suddenly, said friend left and he pulled away the blanket where, oh well, his beautiful dick said "good morning" to me lol. We had casual, beautiful sex and had breakfast after. I mustered up my courage and gave Jade a key chain I had bought for him the other day. I still remember his genuine, beautiful smile when he saw it to this day...

After that I sent him a Youtube Link of the song "I´m your man" by Leonard Cohen and wrote that I´d been listening to this song lately and that it reminds me of him. He replied that he was not my man and that I have a relationship I should take care of and cherish. The next time we met I brought dinner and we discussed the issue. I had meant it as a joke in a way because he had told me that he feels like a sexual chameleon sometimes - always feeding off of the kind of sexual energy and desires of his partners and giving them back whatever he senses they want.
I don´t know if this misunderstanding occured due to my asperger´s but I was sad about what I had perceived to be a weird knee-jerk reaction of him.
After we were done talking (and yes, it was hard to act like an adult, being that hurt) he understood my situation.

I should probably add that I had unfortunately cheated on my bf once before at a sex party where I was completely wasted and ended up fucking a guy even though I just wanted to have sex with a girl (which would have been ok for my bf). Honest as I normally am I told him what had happened of course. And yes, it was uncomfortable but the reaction was even more awkward. Finally, my bf said sth unexpected: "Why are you even telling me such things?"
So I decided to not tell him such things from that point on. And then basically, the story with Jade started (we met online).

Anyway, the 4th time was pretty intense. He brought me right to the outer boundaries of my comfort zone but somehow always knew where to stop. I asked him whether he could take photos with my phone but he was so in the moment he completely forgot lol.

And then came the sad day that had to come eventually. Jade wrote me a message saying he booked the flight and he´s leaving tomorrow. For a moment I felt like the world has stopped moving. I replied immediately, telling him I at least want to return the jacket I borrowed the other day and give him a good-bye kiss. He said he has a lot to do but that he can arrange for that.

That same day I tried my perhaps 10th therapist after never having met anyone I felt really comfortable with.
And bam, there she was. I just knew the moment she said hello to me that this was the person I want to work with. I left teary-eyed because she touched on subjects that hurt a bit but I felt good anyway.
So finally I rang the bell and went upstairs to see Jade for the last time. By force of habit I started taking off my shoes. Only when I was done I realized I had removed them and Jade said "Well now that you´ve taken them off why don´t you have a seat in the living room?" so I did.
He stood right in front of me, looking down at me and asking me stuff about my therapy session. Noticing this I asked why he won´t sit down because frankly, this situation is creepy. He smiled cheekily and pulled me up. I smiled too and we kissed and the he asked "Want a quickie?" *lol* and I was like "God damn, are you really doing this to me? But yes, you know I could never refuse!" so we had sex one last time and after that I started crying (again hehe).
All that bullshit my conservative parents had put in me and all those shitty religious beliefs that made me hate myself and my sexuality just seeped out within seconds. It was almost like I had an epiphany. When I told him that all this time I thought I don´t deserve good he said "No, of course you do because everyone does. Just take all the happiness you can. It´s all out there waiting for you".
Finally Jade made me stand up and put a bracelet around my wrist. "I hope you like this" he said.

Then, it was time to say good-bye. I told him to not do anything stupid and to take care. After our last kiss I walked down the stairs, went outside and saw car lights. street lights and illuminated signs and stuff and I stared at them and for the first time in forever I was so fascinated that I burst out in tears. I couldn´t hold them back whatsoever and squatted somewhere on the street to cry. I felt like I´m wearing hazy, rose-colored glasses and seing the world through an Instagram filter. "How is this happening? This must be a dream. Why has so much good and intense happened today? Where is the catch?" I thought.

 

[Elayne]

Jade had promissed me he would send me pictures and call every once in a while.
And you know how people often just say stuff like that. I really couldn´t tell at that point if he is as much of an angel as I perceived him to be or not because my instincts have betrayed me so often. So I didn´t expect much.
But sure enough he send me the first photos after two days and asked when I want to catch up.
It has been exactly two months that he´s gone now and we are still sending each other cute cat photos (we both love cats) and photos of each other.
We make video calls twice a week. Also, he motivates me to get better by making me write him 5 things I´m thankful for every day. I´ve asked him if he doesn´t feel annoyed by that repeatedly but he says reading my 5 points every morning is delighting and feels like gifts.
After one week and also after one month he sent me photos of him topless to motivate me even more and so far I´d say it´s working .

I have told him that I cherish him and that I am fond of him as a person and not just because he´s hot. He replied saying "That´s so sweet. I´m fond of you too. Sending tight hugs". Another time I was sleepy and as I was falling asleep I sent him a message saying "ever since we met I fall asleep with a smile more often" and he responded sth like "Thank you for telling me that. It means so much to me".
A couple of weeks ago he sent me a video where he eats tapioca balls he got at the super market even though he doesn´t like them. Basically he bought them "for me" because I really like them and he knew it would make me laugh seing him eat that stuff. He was very goofy in that video indeed .
-
Okay so finally!
Here´s my question.
I know I gotta figure out the stuff with my boyfriend first and also maybe get my own apartment first but
Do you think it´s realistic and appropriate to ask him if I can be his primary girlfriend once he´s back?
He has told me he has the capability to extend his love to many people (women in particular of course lol) which I understand in a way because I never really understood this monogamy thing to begin with.
But since he´s 17 years older and so experienced I was wondering if he´s somehow used to feeling this way? I don´t care if he has casual sex with women and couples as long as he´s doing it safely. But of course I long for our connection to be special. I have honestly never been in love so much before but it´s hard for me to tell to what extent he feels the same for me. I don´t think it´s ok to ask him via call because saying "I love you" changes everything and there´s not much we can do about that now anyway.

I guess I just need your opinions on this mess because even though he has already made my life much better compared to my depressed af time I can´t stand feeling this uncertainty. I can´t wait for him to come back in May. But I´m so scared that he´s gonna react the way he did after I sent him said song or that I was imagining things because A) as I said I´m on the spectrum and B) his heart is honest and loves a lot so maybe he is just very open about his positive feelings with people?

Phew, this has become so long lol. Thank you so much if you have made it this far!! I´ll appreciate any well-meant comment on this, no matter how short. Feel free to ask anything topic-related!

 

[Elayne]

Btw sorry if there are any weird grammar/spelling mistakes. I´m not a native speaker.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

Do you think it´s realistic and appropriate to ask him if I can be his primary girlfriend once he´s back?

Absolutely not.

Listen, let me break down some stuff down for you:

1) you're staying in a relationship with someone and disrespecting them by continually cheating
2) you met a stranger and let him tie you up.
3) This man has cheated with you.
4) You blame everyone else for your shitty betrayals
5) you think you're owed fulfillment.
6) your feelings are one sided. He doesn't feel the same about you.
7) He has made it clear you are a fuck buddy.
8) You have crappy values.

My advice? Take a long hard look in the mirror and ask yourself if you want to be a person who treats others like this, and wants to take that treatment from others. Forget polyamory for now, and just work on being a better person for yourself and others. You're putting yourself in danger because you have such a immature view of relationships.

What is he attracted to? A naive kink newbie who feels lucky to be noticed and will put her demands for emotional intimacy and availability on the boyfriend she has no respect for.

 

[Elayne]

You know, I get your points but what I have no understanding for is replying in such a disrespectful way knowing I'm probably not mentally stable. Your post is only full of accusations but no advice on how to deal with this so thanks for nothing. Please consider being an example of a good person and not be shitty yourself. What hypocrisy.

And yes, I am absolutely lost in life, increasingly so, despite being in my mid 20s. I'm giving my best being a good person while being true to myself but somehow I always end up hurting myself and others. I guess life just doesn't want me to be happy

 

[Elayne]

1) I have no energy to move out and live by myself nor look for a steady job which is why I have to go on living with this lie
2) I see no problem with that. I had a cover the first time.
3) well obviously
4) I don't blame anybody but myself for this and never claimed anything else
5) you don't think you deserve happiness? What's wrong about feeling like you want to be fulfilled?
6&7) What exactly about what I wrote makes you think that? I think it's possible that time has changed things

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

You met a stranger, went somewhere private, and then willingly let him restrain you. You understand that one of the difficult things for a violent attacker to do is to restrain their victim right? Get them under control? There are many answers you could have come back with which would have showed me you do have an understanding of the risk and considered ways to reduce if, but you didn't give them.

I can understand your position, but it's not ok to use someone as a crutch and disrespect them while you do it. What you need to do is stop disrespecting him and climb out of the hole so you can get yourself to a independent position where you can do what you want without infringing on anyone else.

We met 5 times

He replied that he was not my man and that I have a relationship I should take care of and cherish.

Jade wrote me a message saying he booked the flight and he´s leaving tomorrow.

Well now that you´ve taken them off why don´t you have a seat in the living room?" so I did.

I smiled too and we kissed and the he asked "Want a quickie?" *lol

It´s all out there waiting for you".

He replied saying "That´s so sweet. I´m fond of you too. Sending tight hugs".

A combination of these quotes plus some of the context you give about age and your need for exclusivity tell me that he doesn't see you as a "primary girlfriend" (probably doesn't want one) and that you'd be incompatible for that relationship. He seems old enough to know that and avoid it (which he's doing) but not kind or smart enough not to engage at all given (to use your words) you're "probably not mentally stable".

 

[Inaniel]

Elayne,

I think it is great that you are having very positive sexual experiences with someone. This situation is a good opportunity to learn more about yourself. For example, maybe non-monogamy is a relationship configuration that would work better for you and your current/future partners. And maybe you need a strong sexual flare with someone to create an engageing relationship.

When I was in my mid twenties I was a bit lost myself. And I feel like I left a path of destruction in my wake. The guilt I experienced from hurting people still stings over a decade later. I hope that you can find an ethical means to achieve your relationship goals. It might mean more upfront work and discomfort. But living without the burden of deception and guilt that comes with hurting people is worth it.

It can be a challenge to create a healthy relationship when it blossomes as a result of deception and cheating. It’s impossible to know how Jade really feels about that aspect of your dynamic. The way Jade tells you to go love your boyfriend seems like a dismissal of escalation. If Jade wanted to be primary partners with you, than you would probably have signaling from him suggesting so…. With that said, you may as well ask him for what you want. You never know, until you try…

I think that you need to talk to your boyfriend about non manogomy, or break up. Future “Jades” might take you more seriously if you are in an ethical situation. I think placeholder relationships can obstruct personal discovery and establishing more meaningful connections with people.

I wish you the best of luck. Keep your head up in the challenges to come. Learn from your mistakes and work towards establishing the confidence to ask for what you really need in a relationship, upfront.

 

[GalaGirl]

I hope you feel better for airing out here some. You have a LOT going on -- dealing with family of origin stuff like sex shame, cheating on BF, this kink relationship, Autism/Asperger's , depression, suicide, etc.

Around 25 is when the brain has finished with all the teen stuff and has become more "adult brain." So cut yourself a break on some of the past stuff, and look to the future. Being a better you, a more authentic you, a more accepting of yourself you.

I am glad you "click" with your new therapist and hopefully they are more able to address these things with you more deeply. I encourage you to work with them on your new management plan.

I really couldn´t tell at that point if he is as much of an angel as I perceived him to be or not because my instincts have betrayed me so often. So I didn´t expect much.

Sounds like you have some trouble trusting yourself. Maybe something to bring up to therapist. And learn how to approach things less "on instinct" but more balanced "instinct + reason."

Like react vs respond. Sometimes react/instinct is the right thing. Sometimes reasoned response is the right thing.

You could be more honest/up front in your behavior. Stop cheating, stop shaming yourself, start taking up the space you do in the world and start living in a more authentic YOU way and not like trying to suppress things or please Mom.

Initially I planned on only meeting up and having a casual shibari session since he was about to leave for a place warmer than here for about 6 months.

This sounds like a "relationship of a season" then. You went in knowing it was done after he leaves on his trip. So it's done. Enjoy the rosy "afterglow" but know it's done. For now at least. You have other fish to fry.

It sounds like Jade knew he was helping you cheat on your agreements with BF. You might be distracted with the BDSM discoveries... but do you really want that in a partner?

If you are trying to clean up your life and do things different... maybe you'd prefer partners who are not "ok" with cheating? Because later you will wonder. If they are willing to help you cheat, are they also going to cheat on you? Maybe something to consider.

As to the more immediate practical matters?

I know I gotta figure out the stuff with my boyfriend first and also maybe get my own apartment first.

Could do this first then. Arrange for a flat first. Then break up with the BF and move out. REDUCE the load on your plate.

My relationship of 6 years had stopped being sexually and romantically interesting for me and I was pretty sure my current partner is not for life (I knew that from the beginning but 5 years ago I was still in love).

If you don't want to be there with him and have known it for ages? Let it go. And resolve not to "hang on" to relationships any more.

The ethical thing would be to tell him you cheated and recently shared sex with other people he doesn't know about. Then he can decide if he wants to get health screenings.

Moving forward? If you want to practice ethical non-monogamy? You could decide not to cheat on agreements any more. Use safer sex practices, and past that? Just don't promise anyone sexual exclusivity. Be up front about it. You like casual sex, BDSM, and might also be up for poly. Vet your potentials carefully.

Do you think it´s realistic and appropriate to ask him if I can be his primary girlfriend once he´s back?

It's fine to enjoy this for what it is/was, but also think about what you just said.

If you never felt this way before, is it really about Jade? Or is it about finally getting to kink/sexually express yourself authentically with someone who accepted this side of you? A mix of both maybe -- being into Jade AND being into BDSM? AND finally letting go of mom's expectations and figuring out how YOU want to be living your life? AND finding someone accepting and not like you are a freak?

I get that he's texting and sending cute cat things -- but that could just be friendship. Or a slow letting go.

This relationship of a season may have been like a "comet relationship" that comes in, opens your eyes to new things, and then sails out again.

It's also ok to want MORE than this. Like you had this eye opening experience, and now you decide you want something like this, but raising the bar too. This time approaching it more ethically and no cheating on anything.

Is it going to happen with this particular Jade person? Maybe not.

One cannot predict the future, so don't sit around waiting on bated breath for Jade's return.

Get on with living your own life. Rather than spending too much time "What if this or that" on all that Jade stuff? Could focus on matters at hand.

• You don't want to be with your BF any more.
• You also want a new flat.
• You are starting with a new therapist.

So get on with tending to the practical things first. That's been the theme all this time right? You NOT living your own life? Shrinking or suppressing this or that? How about giving yourself permission to just take up the space you do in the world and get comfortable in your own skin?

Regardless of what happens with Jade? You don't sound like you want Jade to be your only partner anyway. You sound like you want to stop doing monogamy and it sounds like you want to stop cheating. Do you?

If so, move on to ethical non-monogamy. Once you have moved, broken up, and had some time to process? Get on with dating other people. With more dating and more BDSM experiences, you might take a more accurate measure of Jade with some perspective and not all in "instagram rosy glasses."

After 6 mos is done and Jade is back? You can reevaluate at THAT point in time how you feel about starting up something new with Jade or not from a more measured perspective.

I guess I just need your opinions on this mess because even though he has already made my life much better compared to my depressed af time I can´t stand feeling this uncertainty.

I get not liking things being "up in the air." But you could learn to create your own stability by making firm decisions.

1) Break up with BF
2) Move to new flat
3) Start working with new therapist on new management plan
4) Date other people
5) Deal with any new Jade stuff once he's back in person.

One thing at a time, and in order.

That's my suggestion if your goals are

• To become more healthy by working on stuff with therapist
  • Let go of family baggage
  • Address depression, suicide, autism/asperger needs
  • Embrace your sexuality and kinky side more authentically without cheating
  • Learn to develop better judgement / trust yourself

You don't have to go around beating yourself up with the "Mom Voice" Stick. It's ok to have grown up and moved past all that.

At the same time? It souds like you know it is not ok to cheat on agreements. Mistakes happen, but one doesn't go on repeating the mistakes if they want to fly true, right?

Figure out how you want to be living this new authentic life of yours. Then get on with living it.

GL!
Galagirl

 

[Marcus]

I´m aware this is not what polyamory is about and I´m aware many people will consider this to be unacceptable but here´s what happened.

You wanting to have Jade as a "primary partner" could be considered polyamory I guess, but it depends on what you're talking about. What does that look like to you?

You living a life of deception and cheating would likely not be considered polyamory by most. That would be more closely associated with monogamous and cheating, which is extremely common and not polyamory. It is poor treatment of other human beings and is not something that anyone should aspire to.

After the first time with Jade I felt so energized and fascinated that I had to visit him again of course. It was like a drug

You found someone who is doing something new, they are confident, and they are a source of lots of endorphin rush. This sort of thing happens all of the time, though I have found that it happens more so in youth because you don't have lots of these experiences to compare them to.

Comparing it to a drug is a pretty good approximation. It feels like a kind of liquid magic, it makes us forget where we are and loosen our principles, and is not what it seems. As we have more of these experiences, most of us will be able to look back at some of the horrid decisions we've made and point at that infatuation as part of the thing that got us there.

It's a great drug and feels amazing, I highly recommend it, but don't make life decisions based on it.

My advice? Take a long hard look in the mirror and ask yourself if you want to be a person who treats others like this, and wants to take that treatment from others. Forget polyamory for now, and just work on being a better person for yourself and others. You're putting yourself in danger because you have such a immature view of relationships.

I agree with Seasoned whole-heartedly, certainly this section.

You seem to be in a spiral of treating your poor boyfriend very badly, and I want you to raise your minimum standards of how you treat people by a huge margin.

One cannot predict the future, so don't sit around waiting on bated breath for Jade's return.

Get on with living your own life. Rather than spending too much time "What if this or that" on all that Jade stuff? Could focus on matters at hand.

• You don't want to be with your BF any more.
• You also want a new flat.
• You are starting with a new therapist.

So get on with tending to the practical things first. That's been the theme all this time right? You NOT living your own life? Shrinking or suppressing this or that? How about giving yourself permission to just take up the space you do in the world and get comfortable in your own skin?

Listen to your friend GalaGirl, she is looking out for you.

 

[kdt26417]

Re (from Elayne):

"Do you think it's realistic and appropriate to ask him if I can be his primary girlfriend once he's back?"

It can't hurt to ask. Although, I'm not sure how he'll answer.

 

[Elayne]

Thank you folks for your replies, they've really helped me. Ya'll seem like an experienced bunch!
My last days have been busy but I will reply more extensively tomorrow

 

[kdt26417]

Sounds good

 

[Elayne]

So first off, of course I wish I had met and done things with Jade under different circumstances. While deep down I never understood what others think is so problematic about "cheating" I respect that the vast majority of people in the world does and I totally see that I overstepped boundaries in my current official relationship. And I never wanted to be that person.

So far I've only ever been annoyed by men who want something from me. Just a couple of years ago I didn't understand their alure, in fact, and had no problem only having sex with women.

You have to understand my relationship is unusual. My current boyfriend met me when he was 49 and I was 18. I was literally 18 and 10 days old and we started dating one month later. At that age you definitely don't really know what you want yet and what to ask for. In hindsight I have to admit I'm wondering if bf and perhaps many other men only want their girl to sleep with them so that she doesn't know how little effort they put into learning how to please a female?

In any case- luckily bf turned out to be a good guy despite the age difference. He has helped me with a lot of mental stuff and has had a good influence on me. Still, I told him back when we got together that we can have a relationship and see where it goes but that it won't be forever due to me being so young. Unfortunately, I feel like the part of me I've been trying to deny for so long has broken through in an explosive manner when I wasn't prepared for it to happen.

My thoughts before meeting Jade for the first time was that since he's leaving soon nothing serious can form. I thought that would be something positive- just exploration and no commitment. I would have never thought it would come to this.

Btw the reason why I decided to post here was not because I consider this situation to have anything to do with polyamory. I know that cheating is generally as frowned upon among poly people as it is among monogamous people.
But I understand that Jade is poly. I was wondering if any of you know these kind of interesting auras that are super horny and yet angelic at the same time. How are their kind gestures to be interpreted? Do these kind of people smile and do nice things to anyone they like?

Jade has said he would definitely go on a date with me. Do these kind of people say that to anyone they find sympathetic and attractive?
I believe if a random person were to see us in a restaurant they would think we're a couple. But that's what makes it so confusing for me - I'm struggling to interpret those signs that would normally be interpreted as a strong desire for a relationship. I have no idea what I can legitimately hope for or expect from this, especially because he's keep calling me and checking how I'm doing from where he's now.

I don't think it qualifies as a comet relationship and he doesn't seem to wanna let go.
I meet with a friend of his from time to time and she says he's not an asshole and doesn't play with people's emotions. I think he does care about me, I just don't know how deeply.

Another thing I figured I haven't mentioned-
I sent Jade the Leonard Cohen song before he knew that the relationship with my boyfriend is crumbling. So of course he would tell me to go take care of an existing relationship because he thought that for me there is still something bigger than me and Jade to care for. But the flame is gone and after having talked extensively about that through video calls Jade knows.

And yes, I know I have a lot going on, which is why I feel incapable of finding a job, let alone moving out. It sounds so easy when you guys write it like that but it's not something I can implement now. Looking at the future seems promising for a lot of people but as for me, it scares me. The only reason why I think I'm gonna pull through is because my mum earns good money and shows her love by giving me as much money as I need. That means I can pay for therapy, medication etc...

Still, I really don't want to go back to my parents' because that place gives me anxiety. Plus my mum is still emotionally manipulative and abusive at times which is certainly not good for me so as I see it I have no choice but to stay at my bf's place for now.

I felt this rush of motivation and positive emotions when Jade was around and perhaps if he still were I'd find the energy and courage to change my life. But now that he's been gone for a couple of months his positive influence is also gone and I feel almost like before.
I envy you people who can take action whenever they feel like it and are not at the mercy of their minds' debilitating powers.
I'm working on myself but it's hard and will require a lot of time. My therapist told me just today that she thinks I'll need 2 or 3 years of therapy :-/.
You have to understand that despite being in my mid 20s I define success as "not having suicidal thoughts for a solid month" while others my age define success as having a steady 30h/week job and having their own place...

In any case, I know for sure bf is monogamous. I remember what he did when he learned his ex-wife had been cheating on him for 2 years- He threw her shit into boxes, put them outside and told her to get her stuff and leave.
I'm sure that would happen if I were to tell him about Jade.
Also, perhaps he wouldn't freak out as much but I'm even scared to tell bf I don't want to have sex with him anymore. I know it sounds stupid but I also feel so bad now that I feel like I owe him that.

So yeah, don't worry ya'll. I already feel like shit so please don't make me feel like shit that wants to kill itself, [redacted by mod], thanks.

As for Jade "cheating" with me. To be honest I don't mind if he were like this in case we start a relationship. He always wears protection and as long as he does that it's his decision who he has sex with. I'd prefer if I could join in or watch but if he only tells me about the experience after it's done that's fine too. I want to make my partner feel so comfortable in a relationship that they feel like they can tell me anything without me judging. I don't want to be in a relationship where lying feels like the only way to keep things going because I know how much it sucks.

Tbh I don't know what I was thinking but after Jade left I had gone to another person to see if it really was only about the BDSM aspect or if it was more about Jade. And indeed, I realized quickly that compared to my experience with Jade I felt nothing with that person. It was just a pretty neutral or even bad session.
So yeah, a huge part why I enjoyed being with Jade so much was him as a person but also his skills and his sexual preferences. Just everything about him apparently...

 

[Evie]

I'm going to try some bullet points to unpack all of this for myself, nothing is meant to be unkind, I'm just trying to get it all right:

1. You have a 31 year age gap relationship that started just after you turned 18*. You are now mid twenties, you live with him and are dependent on him, financially. You also believe he supports your mental health. He is monogamous and based on historical events, would throw you out on the street if he knew about Jade.

2. You have a crush on Jade following kink based play and sex. Jade is charismatic and great in bed. But he's currently out of town.

3. You do not have the wherewithal to break up and move out off your own bat. This includes mentally, emotionally and financially.

4. You'd leave bf if Jade welcomed you as a primary girlfriend. That status as primary is largely related to having somewhere to live (speculation).

5. You have a supportive mother (including financially) but for some reason you haven't mentioned, moving in with her to escape a relationship that's basically reached the end of its natural life, is not something you are considering.

6. You aren't working or looking for work at this time largely due to mental health issues.

7. You're exploring the BDSM scene outside your main relationship. You haven't mentioned if your partner is aware of this even sans sex.


Another observation. You use the spelling "mum" suggesting you may live in the UK, Aus, NZ or somewhere else with enough of a welfare state that you could probably apply for a benefit. Can someone support you in that application so you can get enough of an income to enable a house sharing living situation?

Also, please step away from BDSM until you are more mentally stable. It's too easy to experience "drop" which will not help your mental health and could result in suicidal thoughts.

Working with a therapist is most effective when you do the personal work outside of sessions. I hope your therapist is giving you homework.

Other than your mum, who else is in your support network? I know it can feel like there aren't many people who would help, but you'd be surprised. Who can you talk to who has known you a while? Or where can you make some friends who aren't for BDSM or sex?

Can you harness any of your talents to develop a more casual income, girl boss styles? Or pick up some freelance work that doesn't have the same requirements that 30+ hours per week does?

You've clearly got some gumption or you'd have never even met Jade. So how can you harness that gumption to put yourself first?

I look forward to seeing your journey unfold into a healthy place!

Evie

*Fyi, I had a 31 year age gap relationship when I was 18 (actually started a couple of months before my 18th birthday because age of consent here is 16). I understand entering that kind of relationship, but I also understand the importance of ending it, too.

 

[powerpuffgrl1969]

In my opinion, you need to do a lot of work on yourselv WITHOUT a relationship influencing you. I'm not sure you really know what a healthy relationship looks like, as you were only 18 when a 49 year old decided it would be fine and dandy to take up with you. Gross.

It's not cool to accuse people, whose advice you have ASKED for, of possibly contributing to your suicidal ideation. It's manipulative. It seems what you really want is a bunch of internet strangers telling you what you want to heat.

There are tons of valuable resources on here, just don't expect sunshine shoved up your ass.

 

[Elayne]

In my opinion, you need to do a lot of work on yourselv WITHOUT a relationship influencing you. I'm not sure you really know what a healthy relationship looks like, as you were only 18 when a 49 year old decided it would be fine and dandy to take up with you. Gross.

It's not cool to accuse people, whose advice you have ASKED for, of possibly contributing to your suicidal ideation. It's manipulative. It seems what you really want is a bunch of internet strangers telling you what you want to heat.

There are tons of valuable resources on here, just don't expect sunshine shoved up your ass.

I have asked for opinions, yes but I did not ask to be outright insulted. What everyone else wrote was totally fine and I did appreciate the insights!
But some people don't understand what kind of impact hurtful words can have on others so I wanted to make them aware. Opinions can always be put in nicer ways to sound less aggressive and hurtful.

Btw it was me who made the first step in the relationship. Bf just asked if we want to try having an official relationship as a logical consequence

 

[Elayne]

I'm going to try some bullet points to unpack all of this for myself, nothing is meant to be unkind, I'm just trying to get it all right:

1. You have a 31 year age gap relationship that started just after you turned 18*. You are now mid twenties, you live with him and are dependent on him, financially. You also believe he supports your mental health. He is monogamous and based on historical events, would throw you out on the street if he knew about Jade.

2. You have a crush on Jade following kink based play and sex. Jade is charismatic and great in bed. But he's currently out of town.

3. You do not have the wherewithal to break up and move out off your own bat. This includes mentally, emotionally and financially.

4. You'd leave bf if Jade welcomed you as a primary girlfriend. That status as primary is largely related to having somewhere to live (speculation).

5. You have a supportive mother (including financially) but for some reason you haven't mentioned, moving in with her to escape a relationship that's basically reached the end of its natural life, is not something you are considering.

6. You aren't working or looking for work at this time largely due to mental health issues.

7. You're exploring the BDSM scene outside your main relationship. You haven't mentioned if your partner is aware of this even sans sex.


Another observation. You use the spelling "mum" suggesting you may live in the UK, Aus, NZ or somewhere else with enough of a welfare state that you could probably apply for a benefit. Can someone support you in that application so you can get enough of an income to enable a house sharing living situation?

Also, please step away from BDSM until you are more mentally stable. It's too easy to experience "drop" which will not help your mental health and could result in suicidal thoughts.

Working with a therapist is most effective when you do the personal work outside of sessions. I hope your therapist is giving you homework.

Other than your mum, who else is in your support network? I know it can feel like there aren't many people who would help, but you'd be surprised. Who can you talk to who has known you a while? Or where can you make some friends who aren't for BDSM or sex?

Can you harness any of your talents to develop a more casual income, girl boss styles? Or pick up some freelance work that doesn't have the same requirements that 30+ hours per week does?

You've clearly got some gumption or you'd have never even met Jade. So how can you harness that gumption to put yourself first?

I look forward to seeing your journey unfold into a healthy place!

Evie

*Fyi, I had a 31 year age gap relationship when I was 18 (actually started a couple of months before my 18th birthday because age of consent here is 16). I understand entering that kind of relationship, but I also understand the importance of ending it, too.

You're pretty much correct about all of the above except for 1), 3) and 7). My bf is a freelancer and artist and has a young, laid back soul. Thus, he doesn't earn much money so my family is definitely wealthier. There were times where I had to buy groceries because he ran out of money and stuff. But it's not like I support him either. When he needs financial help though I'm here and I'll be there for him in the future, too. After all, I know how much he hates asking for money.

About 4)- I'd actually prefer having my own small place and hanging out at Jade's when me and him feel like it. Being together too much kills a relationship imo. I wanna go on regular dates with him and do lots of cuddly, romantic and sexual stuff but each of us are free to fuck others too. That's what I mean by primary girlfriend .

5) I've been told for years now that me and mum seem too close somehow. Now I see what they meant - she raised me to be that way and gets offended when I'm not the way she wants me to be. I always thought it would have consequences to "misbehave" but I figured there are no consequences. She's still supporting me financially. She has never supported me emotionally though and imo probably doesn't even know how to. My parents have been fighting and calling each other names in front of me ever since I can remember. They never had a healthy sex life I could take as a positive example and when things were bad mum talked to me about her problems with my dad, told me how she's so pissed she wants to kill him sometimes, etc. I think she had no friends to talk to.

Now that I've fully realized that behavior like this is not acceptable and why it shouldn't be acceptable I simply don't want to undermine my efforts to escape her manipulative behavior. So going back to her doesn't seem like an option.

7) My bf knows that I've been to 2 sex parties but I've been to more. Ever since he asked me why I'm telling him about my affair (which he has forgiven me for) I just stopped telling him stuff. What I did tell him is that I'm not willing to hide my kinky side anymore and that I would like to explore it in the future. I asked if I can have a session with a theoretical woman and he was kinda unclear with his response.

I understand what you mean when you say I shouldn't engage in bdsm activities rn but by now I've found my triggers and bdsm is not one of them. Honestly, even 0 aftercare would feel less painful than what I experience when triggered. Triggers include perceived rejection, making mistakes or being insulted outside of sexual situations.

And yes, I do live in a country where benefits are a thing. I'm not sure I've shaken off enough of my pride to feel comfortable getting money for nothing though.
Btw it's funny you think I live in an English speaking country. My first language is not English but German .

Surprisingly enough I have somehow managed to make friends over the years even though I hate social situations. But I knew that loneliness can be extremely painful and thus it's better to at least occasionally overcome that discomfort when I have the energy to do so.
Quite a couple of friends know about my mental health situation, in fact, and I speak about it rather openly. It's nice to be able to do that but doesn't improve things overall, unfortunately.

And regarding jobs. Oh well, I have tried holding a job at the beginning of the year but failed due to being late/oversleeping too often and not being focused enough/distracted to pull off call center work. I started the job to encourage myself that I can do it but all it did was discourage me because I was kicked out after 5 months.
Now I'm still too scared to be criticized to try a new job which is a shame because I have 2 bachelor's degrees. They're liberal arts degrees though. Outside of my interest for liberal arts however I have no talent that would be considered useful in this capitalistic, sad world.

And thank you! It helps me a lot when I see people cheering me on as to get better mentally .

 

[Evie]

I just chose countries that I knew used the "Mum" spelling

 

[Inaniel]

I agree It IS manipulative behavior to tell someone to be careful what they say at the risk of you hurting yourself. Calling out manipulation is not an insult, and i mean it to be constructive.

If you were raised in a manipulative household it’s not your fault that you developed manipulative behaviors. However it is your responsibility to unlearn that programming if you want better for yourself.

I consider myself something like a mental-illness success story. That is to say I was able to kick suicidal thoughts, and I was able to stop self-harm and drugs. I was able to reach a level of success greater than every person I can remember who told me I would not amount to anything in life. I understand you not wanting to work, I just hope to encourage you to believe in yourself should you choose to desire self-sufficiency.

I hope for you that therapy is a positive experience, and that you find your way to an ethical arrangement.

Good Luck
———————

I think if life exists
It's probably like this
I had a common goal
I caught a common cold
I said when I get healthy
I won't take it for granted
And I really thought I meant it but I knew when I got better that I'd probably forget it
Feeling fine wasn’t worth a mention
So I didn’t pay attention
And it seems that’s just the way
It’s all easier said than done
And it's not even easy to say
-Jeffrey Lewis