Indecisiveness with Third

A

alizard_0

New member
Hi! I am very new here, and I thought it would be the perfect place to seek advice because I am honestly battling with myself right now.

My partners and I are new to polyamory. I was the one who initiated it. I have been dating E for 11 years, and dated J for almost a year (November would be 1 year).

I initially started this when I told E that I believed I was polyamorous due to a situation in the past, and hes been nothing but supportive. Then comes J. I met him at a time where I wasnt feeling fulfilled in my relationship with E, but I still very much had feelings and love him very much. I just felt like he wasnt giving me what I needed, so we agreed to open our relationship to J. And things went perfectly, too perfect. J and I are in a long distance relationship though, and he's only come to see me 3 times, 2 weekends in November, and then a whole 2 weeks in December. And everything felt amazing. But, around August or so, I felt like things were different. E was now meeting all my needs, and I began to lose feelings for J. So, I decided to break things off. But, despite me not wanting to be with J, I also still want to be with him and see if things could work once we're in person, but I just dont feel the same way for him as I did previously and I just dont get it. Because even after breaking up, I still want to talk to him and flirt with him and just be there for him, but I dont know if Im feeling that way because I still have hope or lingering feelings, or if Im just feeling bad for breaking his heart.

I know the answer should be obvious, but I just dont really know what to do and I feel so lost and Ive been beating myself up over this for the last 3 months. I feel so torn. I dont know what to do. Am I overthinking everything? Is it just bad timing? I feel like Im losing my mind because I want to love him but at the same time my body is just not with it anymore and its killing me. Maybe its the distance??? Please help! Any advice helps.
 
Welcome.

I initially started this when I told E that I believed I was polyamorous due to a situation in the past
Click to expand...

Ok, you are poly and wanted more than one partner.

I just felt like he wasnt giving me what I needed, so we agreed to open our relationship to J.
Click to expand...

Was wanting more partners supposed to be like a "bandaid" because the relationship with E wasn't going great?

E was now meeting all my needs, and I began to lose feelings for J.
Click to expand...

This part sounds more LDR problems than anything else. To me it sounds like...

Started LDR relationship with J.
  • He visited two weekends in Nov 2020
  • He visited 2 weeks in December 2020
  • Broke up Aug 2021.
If it's that you dislike LDR? 8 months without a visit is too long? And whatever else you do like video calls or email, whatever is not the same and in person connection? Well, now you learned something. Maybe you lost feelings for J because you need close proximity, touch, etc to feel close. You don't do well in LDR.

Whatever the reason you broke with him, could let it be done.

I know the answer should be obvious, but I just dont really know what to do and I feel so lost and Ive been beating myself up over this for the last 3 months.
Click to expand...

Break ups are a reasonable risk to any dating. Not everyone you date is gonna be a long haul runner.

I believe action behavior or thinking behavior happens and then some feelings ensue. If you want new feelings? Change the behavior.

What have you been doing? Sitting around for three months beating yourself up about breaking up with J. What feelings ensue? Confusion, upset.

Why are you beating yourself over it? Were you not polite in the break up?

It takes time to heal from a break up. You JUST broke up in August. If you spent all that time beating yourself up over it, you basically are keeping J on the front burner. Like he's gone but you keep playing with his ghost inside your head. How can you heal like that when you don't give yourself time away from him in your head?

Could try living moments of normal life WITHOUT all this attention on J in your head. So you can BECOME more able to get past the break up?

Go buy groceries. NOT thinking about him for 60 min.

Take a walk NOT thinking about him for 30 min. Over time, you'll see you can go longer and longer stretches not thinking about him. Days, weeks, months,

And in time, it won't be so pressing or hurt so much.

Give yourself time and space to heal. Let this chapter CLOSE.

That would be my suggestion. Stop keeping it on the front burner beating yourself up with it.

Galagirl
 
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alizard_0 said:
I wasnt feeling fulfilled in my relationship with E, but I still very much had feelings and love him very much. I just felt like he wasnt giving me what I needed
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Since these needs being met or not seem to be at the center of your back and forth, can you clarify what you are referring to?

alizard_0 said:
But, despite me not wanting to be with J, I also still want to be with him and see if things could work once we're in person, but I just dont feel the same way for him as I did previously and I just dont get it. Because even after breaking up, I still want to talk to him and flirt with him and just be there for him, but I dont know if Im feeling that way because I still have hope or lingering feelings, or if Im just feeling bad for breaking his heart.
Click to expand...

You broke it off with J because E started meeting your needs again, and your interest in J dropped off in equal measure. However, you are still interested in being both flirtatious and supportive of J.

My question is, what is it exactly that qualifies as "interest" to you? Understanding what a valuable association looks like to you might be helpful in your determining if your interest in J is genuine or not. As it is, it seems like you might not be sure what sorts of associations you want in your life?

alizard_0 said:
I feel like Im losing my mind because I want to love him but at the same time my body is just not with it anymore and its killing me. Maybe its the distance??? Please help! Any advice helps.
Click to expand...

No doubt distance has a powerful impact on the nature of an association. Long distance relationships are notorious for being... complicated, so it shouldn't come as a surprise.

Your "body is just not with it" means that you aren't sexually interested in him? But you want to flirt with him? This is because E is "meeting your needs" again? I recommend using concise language if you want to discuss this sort of thing.
 
I'm relating to the ebb and flow of connection. I am in a LDR and I can attest that when we see each-other weekly we stay connected.

Here in Australia they've put hard borders up between states to control the spread of covid - as a result we went 8 weeks without seeing eachother but in the 4 weeks prior to the border coming we saw eachother but briefly and without opportunity for intimacy.

I had to come in consciously saving the relationship because it was about to be dead in the water.

We've discussed making the effort to call instead of texting etc as ways of combating the distance that grows with physical distance.

We recently spent our 1st quality time together in ages and I internally noted that I felt less connected. Yet in this week since seeing him I feel more connected.

So yeah it ebbs and flows - for me completely unrelated to how I am going with my nesting partner.

I'm still unsure whether my long distance love will go the distance, we have lots of variables involved - but I'm not sure I'd consider myself to be in a relationship with him if more than 3 months went by without being together. I might still care for him deeply but for me there needs to be more for it to be more than a crush that was played out.
 
GalaGirl said:
Welcome.



Ok, you are poly and wanted more than one partner.



Was wanting more partners supposed to be like a "bandaid" because the relationship with E wasn't going great?



This part sounds more LDR problems than anything else. To me it sounds like...

Started LDR relationship with J.
  • He visited two weekends in Nov 2020
  • He visited 2 weeks in December 2020
  • Broke up Aug 2021.
If it's that you dislike LDR? 8 months without a visit is too long? And whatever else you do like video calls or email, whatever is not the same and in person connection? Well, now you learned something. Maybe you lost feelings for J because you need close proximity, touch, etc to feel close. You don't do well in LDR.

Whatever the reason you broke with him, could let it be done.



Break ups are a reasonable risk to any dating. Not everyone you date is gonna be a long haul runner.

I believe action behavior or thinking behavior happens and then some feelings ensue. If you want new feelings? Change the behavior.

What have you been doing? Sitting around for three months beating yourself up about breaking up with J. What feelings ensue? Confusion, upset.

Why are you beating yourself over it? Were you not polite in the break up?

It takes time to heal from a break up. You JUST broke up in August. If you spent all that time beating yourself up over it, you basically are keeping J on the front burner. Like he's gone but you keep playing with his ghost inside your head. How can you heal like that when you don't give yourself time away from him in your head?

Could try living moments of normal life WITHOUT all this attention on J in your head. So you can BECOME more able to get past the break up?

Go buy groceries. NOT thinking about him for 60 min.

Take a walk NOT thinking about him for 30 min. Over time, you'll see you can go longer and longer stretches not thinking about him. Days, weeks, months,

And in time, it won't be so pressing or hurt so much.

Give yourself time and space to heal. Let this chapter CLOSE.

That would be my suggestion. Stop keeping it on the front burner beating yourself up with it.

Galagirl
Click to expand...
I feel like it might've been. But I was still happy being with both of them, and I made genuine connections with J all the times we saw each other, and we would always video call or talk on the phone every free moment we had. And I still love E with all my heart.

We actually broke up this month, October, im sorry for not being clear in my text. But then I noticed that I missed him, so we got back together to try and work things out, but its hard to do that over the phone in a LDR. I ended up telling him that I was having my doubts again and we split, again. We havent gotten back together as of right now. Clearly, I am very indecisive and it is something I'd like to fix.

It's possible him not being here in person has made me focus on my relationship with E more so now that we've worked on the issue we were having, I feel like I no longer want to be in a relationship with J, but I am still attracted to him and I still care, which makes me feel like things could work out if he were here. But on the other hand, if I dont want him now, will in person really change anything? Im not expecting you to answer that, its just a question I'm asking myself.

I was very polite when breaking up because I care for J deeply. Im beating myself up because I hate hurting him due to my own issues. He isnt a bad person by any means. And I would love it if things worked out. But right now for some reason that feels impossible to me.

But I do agree that I need time away from him, thinking about him and talking to him. I havent been giving myself time to really be without him.

Thank you for taking the time to reply, it means a lot to me.
 
Marcus said:
Since these needs being met or not seem to be at the center of your back and forth, can you clarify what you are referring to?



You broke it off with J because E started meeting your needs again, and your interest in J dropped off in equal measure. However, you are still interested in being both flirtatious and supportive of J.

My question is, what is it exactly that qualifies as "interest" to you? Understanding what a valuable association looks like to you might be helpful in your determining if your interest in J is genuine or not. As it is, it seems like you might not be sure what sorts of associations you want in your life?



No doubt distance has a powerful impact on the nature of an association. Long distance relationships are notorious for being... complicated, so it shouldn't come as a surprise.

Your "body is just not with it" means that you aren't sexually interested in him? But you want to flirt with him? This is because E is "meeting your needs" again? I recommend using concise language if you want to discuss this sort of thing.
Click to expand...
Hi! The issue we were having was despite having multiple talks, I felt as though things weren't changing and my needs werent being met. Those needs were things like physical affection and effort, and other things I dont feel comfortable discussing, but thats the gist.

Yes, I am still attracted to J. But honestly, I am not sure if I know how to answer that question. Im not really sure what qualifies as interest to me, if that makes sense? Its definitely something I need to sit down and think about. I think it would help me determine if my interest is genuine.

But yeah, LDR are very hard, but for the first couple of months up until August, it wasnt really an issue. We would video chat and call and text all the time. So I am just baffled at why my interest and desire to put forth effort just vanished.

And no, I didnt mean that sexually, my apologies for not being specific. I meant moreso that I dont feel the drive to make an effort and fix the issue at hand, even though part of me wants to. Im still trying to figure that out I suppose.

Thank you so much for replying!
 
Token2 said:
I'm relating to the ebb and flow of connection. I am in a LDR and I can attest that when we see each-other weekly we stay connected.

Here in Australia they've put hard borders up between states to control the spread of covid - as a result we went 8 weeks without seeing eachother but in the 4 weeks prior to the border coming we saw eachother but briefly and without opportunity for intimacy.

I had to come in consciously saving the relationship because it was about to be dead in the water.

We've discussed making the effort to call instead of texting etc as ways of combating the distance that grows with physical distance.

We recently spent our 1st quality time together in ages and I internally noted that I felt less connected. Yet in this week since seeing him I feel more connected.

So yeah it ebbs and flows - for me completely unrelated to how I am going with my nesting partner.

I'm still unsure whether my long distance love will go the distance, we have lots of variables involved - but I'm not sure I'd consider myself to be in a relationship with him if more than 3 months went by without being together. I might still care for him deeply but for me there needs to be more for it to be more than a crush that was played out.
Click to expand...
See, unfortunately J is in the Army, so the times we saw each other was when he was on leave from the army. And he is currently in the process of being medically discharged so since March, we havent been able to visit each other in person at all. He couldnt come to my state, and I couldnt go to his. So its been 7 months as of this month since Ive last seen him in person. I am starting to think that him being away for so long taught me how to be without him, so now I feel like I dont need him. Which hurts because we really did have amazing times together.

Thank you for sharing your story! It really helped put things into a new perspective for me.
 
LDR is sometimes a regular feature of military relationships because the person gets deployed. And sometimes when deployed, the ones at home are not allowed to know where they went.

It's one of the reasons I never wanted to date active military because I dislike LDR greatly.

NRE lalas might give some energy to sustain the work of LDR, but eventually NRE fades and then reality sets in. And here's this LDR work. And if LDR isn't really your thing, even if you want to be with the person?

It may be a case of "willing, but not actually able." Not sustainable in the long term.

I was very polite when breaking up because I care for J deeply. Im beating myself up because I hate hurting him due to my own issues. He isnt a bad person by any means. And I would love it if things worked out. But right now for some reason that feels impossible to me.
Click to expand...

I think you could accept you are all adults, and that break ups are a reasonable risk of dating.

Breaking up? No, it's not FUN. Like "Yay! Let's make cookies!" But neither is it the end of the world or a surprise in dating. It happens sometimes. It's necessary. Otherwise people would do what? Have a string of not really compatible people following behind them because nobody wants to do the breaking up process?

Just because J is sad that the relationship didn't pan out isn't you doing mean things TO him. It's just the situation didn't work out.

And yes, sometimes it takes breaking up and getting together and breaking up again to arrive at the final realization that it's just not gonna pan out. It's ok for both of you to be sad over it.

Break up sad is already "one load" of sad. Why add more loads to it from self bullying behavior? Isn't single load enough?

Rather than beating up on yourself behaviors? Do different behavior -- like giving yourself some time and space/brain space to heal.

Don't pick at the scab.

Galagirl
 
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alizard_0 said:
Hi! I am very new here, and I thought it would be the perfect place to seek advice because I am honestly battling with myself right now.

My partners and I are new to polyamory. I was the one who initiated it. I have been dating E for 11 years, and dated J for almost a year (November would be 1 year).

I initially started this when I told E that I believed I was polyamorous due to a situation in the past, and hes been nothing but supportive. Then comes J. I met him at a time where I wasnt feeling fulfilled in my relationship with E, but I still very much had feelings and love him very much. I just felt like he wasnt giving me what I needed, so we agreed to open our relationship to J. And things went perfectly, too perfect. J and I are in a long distance relationship though, and he's only come to see me 3 times, 2 weekends in November, and then a whole 2 weeks in December. And everything felt amazing. But, around August or so, I felt like things were different. E was now meeting all my needs, and I began to lose feelings for J. So, I decided to break things off. But, despite me not wanting to be with J, I also still want to be with him and see if things could work once we're in person, but I just dont feel the same way for him as I did previously and I just dont get it. Because even after breaking up, I still want to talk to him and flirt with him and just be there for him, but I dont know if Im feeling that way because I still have hope or lingering feelings, or if Im just feeling bad for breaking his heart.

I know the answer should be obvious, but I just dont really know what to do and I feel so lost and Ive been beating myself up over this for the last 3 months. I feel so torn. I dont know what to do. Am I overthinking everything? Is it just bad timing? I feel like Im losing my mind because I want to love him but at the same time my body is just not with it anymore and its killing me. Maybe its the distance??? Please help! Any advice helps.
Click to expand...
Well, as I learned from some really great feedback for myself, put the self-whipping stick away. You don't need it anymore. It serves no purpose, it's non-productive, and it brings no clarity.

Being Polyamorous, for me, has meant that I've really had to tune into what I wanted for myself and speak for myself. I've had to learn/learning how to be my own advocate. You may not understand why you've lost the feelings, but they are lost. If I were J, I would want to know they were gone, so that I could move on to someone who was truly interested in me. So if you think you are hanging in there to ease the blow, it might be kinder to be direct. Painful, but kinder in the end.

Wishing you well and I'm hoping you can find some peace.
 
Hello alizard_0,

It sounds like you had NRE for J, and the NRE has worn off. Also you are struggling with LDR, that is a really hard thing to get past. Will J ever move to live closer to you? I know you said he's in the Army, but you also said he is in the process of being medically discharged, so maybe when that process is completed, he could move to live closer to you? I don't know how the Army works.

I'm sorry you are feeling these conflicting feelings about J, it sounds like you don't know whether you want to be broken up with him. I suppose one thing you could try is to take longer breaks from him, like go no-contact for about a month, and see how you feel after that. Either you will more urgently want to be with him, or you will start to get used to life without him. That might answer your question.

I hope you can solve your dilemma.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
dingedheart said:
sorry But I’m trying to figure out who’s the second if J is third ??
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I believe OP is counting themselves and spouse E as 1&2, and J as 3rd. Not an uncommon way to approach things, but certainly original-couple-centric.
 
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