Input needed on STI testing

Kynde

Kynde

Active member
Seeking personal advice about STI testing---
I just exited a relationship where we were both exclusive.

I am entering a new relationship with "A." He is newly poly, has been exclusive with his spouse for many years. His wife is bi and is exploring poly (but not with me-- I am straight). She has not had any sexual partners yet.

I have just completed my STI testing (Hep C, HIV, Syphilis, Gonorrhea, Chlamydia, Herpes) and it's all negative except HSV-1, which I already disclosed. "A" and I hope to become intimate this weekend.

Due to a medical issue with difficult veins, "A" is going to wait to get tested until his next doctor appt in a few weeks. He gets regular lab draws every few months for his condition, but needs special care in blood draws. So in other words "A" has not been tested for STI's yet. I am trusting his word about being exclusive with his wife and no other partners.

I am also newly dating "B", an experienced poly man, but we are going a very slow pace. I doubt it will become sexual for awhile. But eventually it will.

"B" is a very responsible poly guy as far as STI testing for himself and partners in his polycule.

I strongly dislike condoms, but more than that, I dislike risks of STI's to myself and partners.

Given this information,
1. what do you recommend for me and "A" as far as when we would be safe to *not* use condoms?

2. what would you recommend as far as additional testing/condom use, etc when I start a physical relationship with "B"?
 
You're wasting no time getting back on that horse!
 
To me, it's hard to call anything actually "safe" and I just do my own checks as regularly as I feel I need to.
 
Kynde said:
I strongly dislike condoms, but more than that, I dislike risks of STI's to myself and partners.
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You need to resolve this.

We all dislike STIs but if you dislike them more than wearing condoms then you might not be equipped to deal with a possible exposure or positive test.

This will become a problem in poly as testing is not foolproof, condoms are not foolproof and the more people sharing sex with others (bigger the polycule), the higher your risk of catching something. Men cannot be tested for HPV so you need to assume that is flowing through the polycule. Herpes tests are notoriously unreliable and so many have herpes you should assume risk of having, acquiring, or spreading that. Syphilis is spread by skin to skin contact, not just during sex and might go completely unnoticed until someone tests positive on a randomly done test, after it has spread through the cule. Same with HIV. You also don't know what others are being tested for. I know poly people who are very on top of testing, getting them quarterly...but only syphilis, Chlamydia and gonorrhea. Some Drs won't test for herpes at all and most don't test for HIV.

My point is....you do the best you can to prevent but don't be surprised when something pops up.

Your choices are: wait for labs, use a condom, wait to have sex, or dont wait for anything. The choice is yours, we cannot do it for you. The risk is there for all except don't have sex. The difference in the amount of risk may mean something to you or not.
 
Magdlyn said:
You're wasting no time getting back on that horse!
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Hee hee! But NOT involving myself with wife, trying to make a family etc. Only dealing with A. And this would be long distance, about once a month.

B is a longtime friend who has always been interested in more but the timing was bad.
 
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Bobbi said:
You need to resolve this.

We all dislike STIs but if you dislike them more than wearing condoms then you might not be equipped to deal with a possible exposure or positive test.

This will become a problem in poly as testing is not foolproof, condoms are not foolproof and the more people sharing sex with others (bigger the polycule), the higher your risk of catching something. Men cannot be tested for HPV so you need to assume that is flowing through the polycule. Herpes tests are notoriously unreliable and so many have herpes you should assume risk of having, acquiring, or spreading that. Syphilis is spread by skin to skin contact, not just during sex and might go completely unnoticed until someone tests positive on a randomly done test, after it has spread through the cule. Same with HIV. You also don't know what others are being tested for. I know poly people who are very on top of testing, getting them quarterly...but only syphilis, Chlamydia and gonorrhea. Some Drs won't test for herpes at all and most don't test for HIV.

My point is....you do the best you can to prevent but don't be surprised when something pops up.

Your choices are: wait for labs, use a condom, wait to have sex, or dont wait for anything. The choice is yours, we cannot do it for you. The risk is there for all except don't have sex. The difference in the amount of risk may mean something to you or not.
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I am not asking anyone to make decisions for me..... just asking for opinions.
 
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There's a difference between right now, and going forwards. While everyone has what partners they have at this point, that could change at any time. Therefore it is worth having a schedule that reflects that.

This means I have questions.

Will A see anyone else other than you and his wife? Will be using condoms with them?

Will his wife be using condoms with her partners?

What barriers does B use with his partners?

If you don't like condoms, and aren't planning to use them, the risk to you comes with the number of partners your partners have and their barrier use with said partners. Potentially, there could be a group of fifteen people, none of who use barriers, but all have active sex lives with multiple people.

The problem with that is the higher chance of having an STD which is asymptomatic but harmful to you and transmissible around the group (on onwards) between testing. It could be like a wildfire between the people who do not use barriers.

This is why generally, you'll find an open and active polycule do put barriers between some partners just to act as an obstacle between tests.

But, if I was going forward with this, I'd test monthly assuming all members plan to be actively dating.
 
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Hello Kynde,

You said "A" is going to get tested in a few weeks. That doesn't seem like such a long time, I figure you could stand to use condoms for a few weeks. But don't do it just because I say so, the handling of STI risk is a super personal thing, and something you must decide. My first thought is that you don't need condoms with "B" if he gets regularly tested, but the thing is, an STI can arise in between tests. So again, risk management is highly personal, and something you must decide for yourself.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you for your feedback!

So I talked with A about it again. We agreed that we will both use condoms going forward, not only now but for the foreseeable future.
Testing every 6 months for us, and required before any new relationship happens.
Then it's not even something we need to fret about any further.

Even though it's not the "fun" choice, it's the ethical and responsible choice.

Today he went to the adult store and got a bunch of different ones, and he said it would be kinda fun figuring out which ones he likes the best. I have also tried the female condom in the past and it was okay, too. I'll get another prescription for them.
 
This is the easiest way. I use condoms with all partners but one that's monogamous to me and we still get tested regularly.
 
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