For those of you who have had relationships or were in a relationship when you decided you wanted to walk the Poly path, what was your process? Did you blurt it out?
I grew up observing many different models of relationship, some ethical some not. But most were monogamous. My mom's best friend was (and continues) to be a decades long V with kids on both sides who are half siblings.
I knew I was not exclusive as a HS teen. (I didn't have the word "polyamory" til later, so I made do.) I was just learning how to date then. Initial attempts to tell people I was dating I was both bi and poly (in fumbling HS words) was met with panic, so I let it go. I thought most teens were still figuring themselves out and having struggles so why rock the boat? HS is temporary anyway. I had a good time dating in HS but none overlapped.
How did you approach your partner? How did they take it? How did you help them adjust and feel more comfortable? How did you adjust to giving yourself what you wanted?
I didn't have to adjust to giving me what I wanted. I just had to find people who wanted similar.
When I went to college, I was just up front. I thought by now if a person hadn't figured out what they wanted, best they get on with figuring it out. And if I wanted to get on with what *I* wanted? Best I be up front about it. Cuz I can't get it if I don't ask. And if the other person felt weird or panicked about the bi and poly thing? Best we try being friends instead of dating. It's not like I couldn't find lots of other people to date on the campus.
I didn't quite have the words then, but I was pretty much doing solo poly. (Internet and internet poly resources did not exist yet.)
My "primary" was getting my degrees. So it wasn't like I was looking for super deep entanglements anyway. I wanted regular companionship, romance, sex, but I wasn't ready to talk about marriage, kids, or anything like that. I had school to do and a career to establish. It's a nice time of life when you are a young adult. No spouse or dependents, no major property, none of that tying you down. Don't have to stick with one school -- could arrange to transfer. Don't have to stick with whatever entry level job -- can arrange to transfer or change. Don't have to stick with one apartment or batch of roomies. Don't have to stick with a relationship if you don't want to. All that can be changed relatively easily. The only other time of life with that sort of flexibility I think is a retiree who has downsized.
There had been a growing mutual attraction and I spent a lot of time and then shared sex with another student. Before sex share we had enough of the sex health hygiene conversation. After sex, I asked what his schedule was and if we could meet for lunch to talk the next day.
We met in between classes and we had a conversation about what that was -- a one time thing or the start of regular dating. I said I was ok with either. I found him attractive and interesting and I was up for regular dating, but I wasn't going to promise exclusive dating or planning for a future together after college. I wanted to be able to date other people. I could promise to use safer sex practices. I could promise to tell when another relationship was looking to go lover or did go lover recently so he could be informed for his sex health hygiene and make a decision if he wanted to continue overlapping with me or stop. I could promise if things led to a break up, I would be decent about it. He could do all the same things on his side. I thought this was fair enough. I asked him if he thought it was fair enough and what he wanted.
He took it well and said it was refreshing to have someone be up front and clear about what they were and were not up for. He was up for regular dating. I remember he was smiling at me the whole time. Later he said it was like "Hooray! Clear communication! No head games! No crap! No baggage here!" I was amused because the college reactions I got were just that. "You are really refreshing being so up front" or "You are really intimidating being so up front."
We ended up being FWB for the first year, then he became BF1 the year after that. He spent some time with other young women, but none really stuck. Me? I dated a few other people and eventually it ended up with BF1 and BF2 in a V for the rest of college. When BF2 and I broke up, it was a good break up. Decades later we remain in sporadic contact (ex: xmas cards.)
I asked DH if I did anything special to help him adjust back then and he said no. I was just up front and honest. I remember checking in periodically like "Are these agreements still working for you?" but not anything special.
Eventually he and I got married. So it's not like the poly thing came out after we got married. He knew it all well before. We wrote our own vows to remove "forsake all others." Because I don't promise things I can't or won't keep.
We agreed to Close during active parenting when that time came because if poly partners weren't already present before the children? Not coming on board in early childhood. The children themselves require soooo much attention. I also have strong feelings about providing stability for young kids. Really if I had wanted to renegotiate to open again and poly date when kids were middle school ish, DH probably would have been fine. But I didn't want to because here came eldercare. So the agreement changed to hold off til the last one graduates HS and in that time see how much the eldercare reduces. Then renegotiate new agreements.
I'm out to all the kids, my friends, and the family that matters to me.
Has life been totally perfect? No. Have there sometimes been mistakes or regrets? Sure. Am I generally happy? Living an authentic life? Yes.
HTH!
Galagirl