Intro - am I ready?

[Zamnisia]

Hello everyone. I have been with my partner for 11 years in a straight monogamous relationship. We’re both in our early 30’s.

Last year, my partner told me she didn’t think she was totally straight and that she would like to try out dating women, while we stayed together. She would be ok if I saw other women too. She travels a lot for work and regular working. We didn't talk about it again until recently, when we’ve opened it up again.

First of all, my partner and I have a bond unlike any relationship I’ve ever had in my life. It’s hard to put into words, but we’re just dumb and stupid together all the time and always cuddle. We’re soulmates. Our friends describe us as the same person. At the moment, I would say we’re very happily in love with each other! It’s worth mentioning that our relationship isn’t always very sexual. Sometimes it is, but mostly we like cuddling and squishing in bed.

We’ve been together for a long time, but we haven’t had a lot of experience in previous sexual/romantic relationships. I’m her first and only relationship and I have only been in one other long-term relationship (for 5 yrs) before.

I have thought about this a lot and how this would impact our relationship if we are to do this seriously. I generally feel ok with the idea of my partner dating other women. She’s only looking for women, so I’m not worried about men. I feel it’s important that she has the chance to explore her sexuality and I want to support her. I have accepted that perhaps I cannot absolutely fulfil everything and that’s ok.

I’m not really looking to have another romantic relationship or start dating myself, personally. I think I only want to have a deep romance with one person. Sexual relationships, on the other hand, I’ve not had much experience with, and it is something I’m quite curious about, if I’m being honest. I do have sexual desires I’d like to explore and experience, as well, in a non-romantic way. I would like to have other sexual partners, but on a casual basis.

The idea is brand new territory for both of us, and I’m both excited and nervous. We have not yet discussed boundaries and a system of communication, which is most important before we do this. She’s done lots of research and wants to sign up to an open relationship dating app too. I probably won’t use it myself tho, as I’m not actively looking. I can make a profile and link it to hers.

She also asked if I would be up for dating with her, but I’m not sure it’s for me, so early on.

I think it’s common that my biggest worry is this could cause jealousy or trust issues or even to us breaking up. We trust each other and I’m confident that won’t have a negative impact on our relationship if we communicate. It will definitely feel strange at first tho.

Thanks for reading my intro!

 

[Evie]

Hi and welcome. Good on you for being open minded enough to consider other options to monogamy. It sounds like you guys are pretty darn tight right now, so the first article I'm going to point you at is this one. It's about detangling so you aren't quite so "same person"-ish since there needs to be quite a lot of autonomy when practicing independent non-monogamy (i.e. not swinging).

Since both of you have rather limited sexual experience, you're probably not even aware of how intense it can be to have sex (etc.) with someone else. It can create distance between familiar partners when the energy with new ones is very prominent. There's every chance that the chemistry with a new partner is greater than you've ever experienced with your current one, or has been long forgotten. You could also find that there are things you haven't considered yet...like there's a thread here at the moment about how much time to leave in between partners so there's likely to be very little in the way of obvious bodily fluids (e.g. male ejaculate still leaving the vagina) from one, impacting the other. I know you mentioned you're more about the cuddles than the sex with each other these days, but it's still worth tabling for discussion.

Trust looks different for different people. I don't need details of who's done what with whom and how to feel like I trust my partners. I do expect them to show up for me in the ways we have agreed, be it a regular date, or daily messages, or contributing to the household. Different partners do different things because of the different circumstances of each relationship. I'm one of those rare people who don't experience jealousy (fear of loss, often with hatred towards the perceived cause of that fear of loss, e.g. "the other woman") however I do get envious (in my case, deeply saddened when I can't do something with a partner that I want to do, but someone else can.) But I don't fight that feeling, I sit with it, I don't berate myself for it, I just let myself acknowledge it, identify the trigger, and make a plan as to how I can lessen the impact - either making a plan with my partner for our own experience, or if that's not possible, just acknowledging that it's just a feeling and my world isn't going to come crashing down because of it. Big feelings pass quicker when we allow ourselves to feel them rather than fight them.

She’s only looking for women so I’m not worried about men.

You could probably do with examining this statement. Women can be just as *nearly everything* as men so why would you only worry about one gender?

I've noticed over the years here that newly open couples often struggle with the husband acting more like the parent of a teen girl beginning to date again. It's rather icky, tbh. There's curfews and extreme variations of location checks and no room for spontaneity like a single adult would have. Sure, there isn't singledom and there will be household and possibly parental obligations, but if these are being met, there should be the expectation of being able to manage one's own self on a date night/weekend away/longer holiday. Or, a spouse might sabotage using weaponized incompetence, or some other form of punishment or demands about things that really are none of their business.

So, ask yourself, can you really cope with your wife having "her business" that's separate to you, with any other human being for any other reason? Because a lot of couples start out with an "only women" clause that then morphs into "anyone you're attracted to" because that's where polyamory does tend to lead. If your knee jerk reaction to that is, "oh no, never men" then I highly recommend you dig deeper before you begin.

As for boundaries - these are best enacted in an individual way rather than a couple having boundaries. You might have agreements as a couple, like you agree to parallel poly because you don't want to meet that meta, or you agree to be kitchen table poly if the new person agrees, or you agree that you will not share your home full time with another adult, romantic or otherwise. Or you agree that you're absolutely happy to cohabit with another adult, in due course.

In contrast, a boundary is generally regarded as being able to limit how you will be treated and what you will do if you are not happy with the way you are being treated. If a boundary is put into words, it can look very much like an ultimatum if expressed in second person. But here is it is in first person: "I don't want a relationship where I am yelled at whenever my partner has big feelings. If my partner turns out to be, or turns into a yeller, I will leave that relationship." Boundaries, or decisions around the boundaries are up to the individual to enforce, although sometimes people may ask for help to do so.

When you are contemplating drastically changing a relationship, it's worth considering that the ultimate end could be breaking up. But then, that drastic change isn't always needed for a break up. We are not our great/grandparents with 60+ year marriages. Perhaps we fall out of love and would rather be single than live platonically. Perhaps we find someone more compatible at the current stage of life and choose to move forward with them instead. At least polyamory does give us a chance to truly be happy with multiple, concurrent, romantic or otherwise loving relationships.

Lastly, it's not just communication that will prevent a negative impact on your relationship, it's deliberately carving out time for your relationship, not taking it for granted just because you have a piece of paper, a ring and live together. It's being very honest with yourself, regularly, that this is the relationship that you want to have, rather than operating on a default. It can be having your cake and eating it, too, if you can actually handle that much cake.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hello everyone. I have been with my partner for 11 years in a straight monogamous relationship. We’re both in our early 30’s.

Last year, my partner told me she didn’t think she was totally straight and that she would like to try out dating women, while we stayed together. She would be ok if I saw other women too. She travels a lot for work and regular working. We didn't talk about it again until recently, when we’ve opened it up again.

First of all, my partner and I have a bond unlike any relationship I’ve ever had in my life. It’s hard to put into words, but we’re just dumb and stupid together all the time and always cuddle. We’re soulmates. Our friends describe us as the same person. At the moment, I would say we’re very happily in love with each other! It’s worth mentioning that our relationship isn’t always very sexual. Sometimes it is, but mostly we like cuddling and squishing in bed.

We’ve been together for a long time, but we haven’t had a lot of experience in previous sexual/romantic relationships. I’m her first and only relationship and I have only been in one other long-term relationship (for 5 yrs) before.

How long have you been together?

I have thought about this a lot and how this would impact our relationship if we are to do this seriously. I generally feel ok with the idea of my partner dating other women. She’s only looking for women, so I’m not worried about men.

I second what Evie said about learning to be okay with whatever gender your partner wants to date. She's inexperienced about relationships in general. If she goes on dating sites, she will be hit on by hundreds of men, and a few of them will be attractive enough to consider dating.

Many men are much more threatened by their female partners dating men than women. Men are trained to feel competitive with other men, but to find F/F relationships/sex "hot." Spend time exploring this problem. You don't own your partner, and you are not agreeing to "share" her, like you'd share a car or lawn mower. She is sharing HERSELF. You are consenting to be in a r'ship with a person who wants more romantic and sexual experiences with a variety of people. It's up to her with whom she shares her time, energy and body.

I feel it’s important that she has the chance to explore her sexuality and I want to support her. I have accepted that perhaps I cannot absolutely fulfil everything and that’s ok.

Monogamy culture leads us to believe one magical Prince or Princess Charming will come along to fulfill all our needs. Obviously this is a false concept. Even if you two get along great and call each other soul mates, we can get along with and feel deep connection with many people over the course of a lifetime. There are 8 billion people on the planet. Some of them are going to feel great to be with. It would be sad imo if there were only one person I could love in my lifetime.

I’m not really looking to have another romantic relationship, or start dating myself, personally. I think I only want to have a deep romance with one person. Sexual relationships, on the other hand, I’ve not had much experience with, and it is something I’m quite curious about, if I’m being honest. I do have sexual desires I’d like to explore and experience, as well, in a non-romantic way. I would like to have other sexual partners, but on a casual basis.

That's fine. You can be polysexual and your gf can be polyamorous. You might surprise yourself and fall in love with one of your sex partners, however, or at least become deeply infatuated. That's how hormones work. But NRE (new relationship energy) only lasts 6 months to two years, so don't confused it with real love.

The idea is brand new territory for both of us, and I’m both excited and nervous. We have not yet discussed boundaries and a system of communication, which is most important before we do this. She’s done lots of research and wants to sign up to an open relationship dating app too. I probably won’t use it myself tho, as I’m not actively looking. I can make a profile and link it to hers.

She also asked if I would be up for dating with her, but I’m not sure it’s for me, so early on.

Don't date together. That doesn't help anything. Trying to "share" a partner, like a sex toy, rarely, if ever works. It almost always makes things just that much more complicated. BTDT, sadly.

I think it’s common that my biggest worry is this could cause jealousy or trust issues or even to us breaking up. We trust each other and I’m confident that won’t have a negative impact on our relationship if we communicate. It will definitely feel strange at first, though.

Communication is key. The best book for learning how to move from monogamy to polyamory, or any kind of ethical non-monogamy, is Opening Up.

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings Zamnisia,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like you are ready to be open, while your partner wants to be open and/or poly. Just a side note, jealousy isn't the end of the world, open/poly people experience it all the time. You just analyze it and manage it, that's how you get through it. Now trust issues, and breaking up, are a much bigger concern. Sometimes breaking up is for the best, but from your description it seems unnecessary, even if you do open up your relationship.

Like Magdlyn, I recommend the book "Opening Up," the author is Tristan Taormino. It covers a lot about both open and poly. I think that none of us are ever ready per se. There's just too much to learn. I hope you'll invest some time reading and posting on the threads and boards of Polyamory.com, this is a really good source of advice and learning.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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