Is “growing old together” just an expression?

[polywollydoodle]

If you had just opened your 20 year marriage for the first time and your initial boundaries were very clear that neither you nor your wife would seek out anything like a lifetime partner or kitchen table polyamory, at least not for a long time, and your wife’s first relationship turned serious within a month and within seven months your new metamour was telling her he wanted to grow old together, would you interpret that as just an expression of affection, just a turn of phrase, or would you take it as a desire to spend the rest of their life together?

 

[dingedheart]

“neither you nor your wife would seek out anything like a lifetime partner or kitchen table polyamory, at least not for a long time, and your wife’s first relationship turned serious within a month and within seven months your new metamour was telling her he wanted to grow old together, would you interpret that as just an expression of affection, just a turn of phrase, or would you take it as a desire to spend the rest of their life together?”

It’s probably more nuanced than words on a page. The character of the people involved and the language they use would definitely play a role. How much of this could be NRE-related and exuberance burn off? Etc., etc.

That said, I'd personally take it in the most maximum/literal way or sense, so as to adjust your expectations and transition from “the 20 yr marriage." The clock has started over. It’s a brand-new ballgame. People are telling or showing you what their intentions or goals are. The best way to limit self-delusion, disappointment and resentment is to believe them.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi polywolly,

It is alarming that the other guy is saying something so serious so soon. It's probably NRE talking, NRE makes us say crazy things. Either way it's crossing a boundary, he should not be saying things like that until he has been in her life for at least a few years. Tell your wife you need her to slow down.

Isn't this the guy that, when you met him, he was just nice, but otherwise a loser? and is this the same guy you caught with your wife in your office space, with him doing up his pants? It seems that your wife has used poor judgment in who she picked out, and how she has conducted her relationship with him.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.

 

[dingedheart]

It is alarming that the other guy is saying something so serious so soon.

I get you’re trying to be supportive, but do you get what you’re saying here?

It's probably NRE talking. NRE makes us say crazy things. Either way, it's crossing a boundary. He should not be saying things like that until he has been in her life for at least a few years.

Yes, it could be NRE, but at the same time, people saying whatever they’re saying are dead serious, and don’t think they’re saying anything crazy. The whole idea behind polyamory is being autonomous and free with intimate relationships, and you are suggesting policing one’s thoughts and speech? Dictating what type of things can be expressed or within "your" time frame (of a year). Seriously?

Tell your wife you need her to slow down.

Because of what he said? She needs to slow down because lover guy enjoys/loves too much/never wants it to end? And how do you think that’s going to go over??

Isn't this the guy that, when you met him, he was just nice, but otherwise a loser? Is this the same guy you caught with your wife in your office space, with him doing up his pants?

It seems to reason it is the same guy, but is that relevant?

It seems that your wife has used poor judgment in who she picked out, and how she has conducted her relationship with him.

First of all, that’s super subjective. Secondly, who holds the rule book on picking partners and perfect relationship conduct?
If she was posting a thread here saying my husband dislikes or disapproves of my lover, you’d be saying, "Fuck him, it’s none of his business who I date or what we say or how we fuck." PLUS maybe she sees herself as some sort of love angel, providing love and sex to those forgotten by society… To each her own, right? AND she might be doing society a big service, if you think about it.

I don’t remember how or why these people opened their marriage, but unfortunately, you don’t get to micromanage from the back seat of another person's relationship.

 

[Tinwen]

I'd take it as an expression of affection/ him wanting to spend the life with her *at the moment*. Doesn't mean it will hapen.

Lovers are allowed to want what they want.

HE is not the problem. The metamour almost never is.

Do a reality check with your wife on what SHE wants, and how seriously.

 

[GalaGirl]

I don't know if this POV helps you any.

If you had just opened your 20 year marriage for the first time and your initial boundaries were very clear that neither you nor your wife would seek out anything like a lifetime partner or kitchen table polyamory, at least not for a long time, and your wife’s first relationship turned serious within a month and within seven months your new metamour was telling her he wanted to grow old together, would you interpret that as just an expression of affection, just a turn of phrase, or would you take it as a desire to spend the rest of their life together?

If it were me, just because the meta is feeling all NRE-effusive and gushing to my wife, I'm not going to get cranked up about it. Besotted people say flowery things in NRE.

I'd be more annoyed with the oversharing. I would ask my wife not to overshare what my metamour is saying. I don't need to hear it, and she is betraying Meta's confidence in blabbing what they said in private to other people. I'd also ask my wife not to overshare what I tell her in the other direction. I don't want her betraying my confidence in blabbing what I told her in private to other people.

As for ACTUALLY spending the rest of their life together? Time will tell. And if they do? No skin off my nose. (Wife + Meta) is a different dyad than (Wife + Me.) If she's got another long-term partner besides me, so long as she's content and is being treated well, I'd think it is fine. "Polyamory" means "many loves." So her having more than one love is okay.

As a thought experiment, maybe reflect on your agreements--

• What was the purpose of the shared agreement in blue (above) with your wife, where you both agreed that neither you nor she would seek out anything like a lifetime partner or kitchen table polyamory, at least not for a long time?
• How long is "a long time?" What actually changes once the "long time" point is reached?
• Why would you have to care if your wife and whatever partner she has wanted to date each other regularly and it ends up lasting a long time?
• Why would you have to care if they wanted to do KTP with each other and whoever else the partner is dating? That doesn't mean YOU have to hang out regularly with these folks in a KTP set up.
• If you two dropped this agreement, what would actually change for you in the (you + wife) dyad?

You don't have to answer anything here, but think on it. Sometimes newbies make agreements that sound good "on paper," but "out in the field," they are problematic, or not even really necessary. Is this one of those?

Galagirl

 

[tdog]

Nope doesn't mean anything. IMHI. After 5 years of living together and then purchasing a house together. Moving 1K miles, with in 6 months of moving in she is gone! All the promises made, all the commitment, all the money spent, all the hard work! All gone. For a 1 week trip for the other person to visit us. All gone! Poly my ass!... Sorry for being so negative, but damn!

 

[Magdlyn]

Nope doesn't mean anything. IMHI. After 5 years of living together and then purchasing a house together. Moving 1K miles, with in 6 months of moving in she is gone! All the promises made, all the commitment, all the money spent, all the hard work! All gone. For a 1 week trip for the other person to visit us. All gone! Poly my ass!... Sorry for being so negative, but damn!

You mean your partner of five years moved out, and it's somehow related to her other partner visiting her (at your shared home) for a week? I don't understand. Care to give more details?

 

[dingedheart]

You mean your partner of five years moved out, and it's somehow related to her other partner visiting her (at your shared home) for a week? I don't understand. Care to give more details?

I think what he’s saying is those type of WORDS are meaningless in a lot of cases.

 

[tdog]

I think what he’s saying is those type of WORDS are meaningless in a lot of cases.

Yep the words don't mean jack. It's all about making the WORDS and then doing the ACTIONS to back them up.

 

[dingedheart]

Yep the words don't mean jack. It's all about making the WORDS and then doing the ACTIONS to back them up.

OR it could depend on what side of the coin you’re on. If you’re the the new interest or the old established partner.

 

[LaminarFlow]

Based on this scenario.

If you had just opened your 20 year marriage for the first time and your initial boundaries were very clear that neither you nor your wife would seek out anything like a lifetime partner or kitchen table polyamory, at least not for a long time, and your wife’s first relationship turned serious within a month

Need more details. Did Wife tell Meta her intend? Was Wife mispresenting to Meta? Did Meta date with intending to build?
Or did this both just happen in the throes of NRE? Meta IS allowed and has all the right to share what he feels. It's up to Wife to keep the balance and intentions in check, and you need to discuss with Wife if agreements have changed without your knowledge or not, because this is not what you consented to.

and within seven months your new metamour was telling her he wanted to grow old together, would you interpret that as just an expression of affection, just a turn of phrase, or would you take it as a desire to spend the rest of their life together?

This could be NRE, but within seven months people can know that they want to be serious with someone longterm if that's what they value. Growing old together is another story.

Personally, I don't take these words lightly, and will combine clear communication with action.

 

[LaminarFlow]

Nope doesn't mean anything. IMHI. After 5 years of living together and then purchasing a house together. Moving 1K miles, with in 6 months of moving in she is gone! All the promises made, all the commitment, all the money spent, all the hard work! All gone. For a 1 week trip for the other person to visit us. All gone! Poly my ass!... Sorry for being so negative, but damn!

Hi Tdog,

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Are you willing to make a thread of your own? It sounds your partner used polyamory as an excuse for an out. This isn't loving polyamory to just up and leave.