Is he for real?

Kynde

Active member
I have a first date set up for tomorrow with someone that I can't quite tell if there is a catch to this?? I'm on the spectrum so I have a hard time sometimes with reading a situation. This one seems to easy and that makes me nervous. :ROFLMAO:

He has an amazing dating profile. He is long-time poly, told me he's poly satisfied, but has room for one more if they are a good fit. We texted easily through conversations. He was respectful, just a tiny bit flirty. He told me he maintains lifelong connections with former partners, they are all still friends and even play board games together, etc. His last partner had to move to another country, but she left a letter of recommendation for him to share with potential partners! I read it and it's long and detailed, and full of love. (If I found someone that perfect I'd have a hard time moving! :-( )

I looked him up by phone number via background check (my policy on everyone). He is using his real number, is a real person, and he has a very solid professional standing. I matched his profile pic to the professional photo.

So, normally I'd be like heck, yes, let me get to know this person better! But the other part of me is saying this is too perfect.

Why would he be interested in me when he could have others who are in a better situation, younger, etc.?

Input, thoughts, advice?
 
Younger, at least IMO, is not actually more desirable. I have 20 somethings hit on me on FL (admittedly I look younger than my age there as I’m good at camera angles) and I absolutely do NOT want that drama in my life…
 
You may find out there's a catch at the date. If not, you be you and drop the "you're better than me" feeling - it's up to him to decide if he wants to date you. You only worry about whether YOU feel a spark with Mr. Perfect ;)
 
I have a first date set up for tomorrow with someone that I can't quite tell if there is a catch to this?? I'm on the spectrum so I have a hard time sometimes with reading a situation. This one seems too easy and that makes me nervous. :ROFLMAO:

He has an amazing dating profile. He is long-time poly, told me he's poly-satisfied, but has room for one more if they are a good fit. We texted easily through conversations. He was respectful, just a tiny bit flirty. He told me he maintains lifelong connections with former partners, they are all still friends and even play board games together, etc. His last partner had to move to another country, but she left a letter of recommendation for him to share with potential partners! I read it, and it's long and detailed, and full of love. (If I found someone that perfect I'd have a hard time moving! :-( )

I looked him up by phone number via background check (my policy on everyone). He is using his real number, is a real person, and he has a very solid professional standing. I matched his profile pic to the professional photo.

So normally I'd be like heck yes, let me get to know this person better! But the other part of me is saying this is too perfect.

Why would he be interested in me when he could have others who are in a better situation, younger, etc.?

Input, thoughts, advice?
Is he younger than you? Or is he your age peer and you assume such a "catch" would prefer a younger, firmer, more "trophyish" partner?

We had a big discussion here about the merits of older and younger partners recently. I was one of few who spoke well of younger people (by younger, I mean under 40, or with an age gap of 10+ years).

Leaving age out of it, people can look great on paper, but not share your life goals, or present themselves as willing and able to add one more partner to their poly network, only for you to find out their other partners assumed they were closed to adding more... Or they might be vain, or a covert narc (as you are aware), etc. I'd say, don't be intimated by his seeming perfection. NO ONE is perfect. But they may be perfect for you, in their imperfection. There's no harm in having a date and getting a feel for the real guy.
 
Hi Kynde,

I'd say go ahead and date this guy, just take precautions. At first just meet him for coffee, in a public place. And make sure someone knows where you are, and when to expect you to return. Hopefully these things won't be needed, but it doesn't hurt to be extra safe!

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Yes he is for real! So far lots of green flags. See my blog for more details. :)
 
I'm old and dislike drama, so take this with a grain of salt. Ultimately, you get to pick what you want to do. I'm going to answer as if it were me.

He is long-time poly, told me he's poly satisfied, but has room for one more, if they are a good fit.

"Long-time poly" means nothing to me. It could just be years of polyfuckery and burning through people left and right.

That part in bold? Already a turn-off to me, like he expects me to jump thru hoops or "perform" to "earn" my place here as "the exceptional one" who is the "good fit."

If he wants to date more people, just own it and say so! Not this "fishing expedition."

And if he is saturated, or close to it... what's even on the table for me, what kind of dating offer? What kind of time can he even give a new relationship? How's he going to tend to ALL partners well if he's juggling a full or close-to-full calendar to "fit me in?" What makes the person a "good fit" to him, a willingness to take scraps?

He told me he maintains lifelong connections with former partners, they are all still friends and even play board games together, etc.

This is sometimes okay, sometimes weird. Why is the "even" word in there? It's not unheard of to be peaceful exes and friends. Why's he putting himself forth as, "I'm great, because I can even be civil to my exes and play a board game"? Pretty low bar to me.

His last partner had to move to another country, but she left a letter of recommendation for him to share with potential partners! I read it and it's long and detailed, and full of love. (If I found someone that perfect I'd have a hard time moving! :-( )

Super weird. I would know he's not lying, and wrote the thing himself, because...?

So normally I'd be like heck, yes, let me get to know this person better! But the other part of me is saying this is too perfect.

If something is pinging "off" to you, you can decide to stop here and not seek a first date. You can cancel. You can move on and no skin off your nose.

If this was to be an in-person date, you could change it to a phone date or online date. You could slow your roll (and his) that way.

Or you do the in-person date out in public, and if you don't want more, at the end you say, "Thanks for the date. You seem nice, but no sparks for me/I realized I'm not ready," and call it done, a nice date out and nothing more.

You LITERALLY are losing NOTHING, because there's nothing much there with this guy in the first place.

On the flip side, you might be skipping a love bomber.


For sure, you could skip something that feels "off" to you, if you decide not to pursue. Sometimes, it's okay to skip it when it's "small pings," rather than to jump in and find out there's a whole big bucket of weird under there, or oceans of it.

I see from your blog that you just got out of a triad thing and are still recovering from all that. You realized there were red flags you glossed over with that triad. You are trying not get caught up NRE stuff to where you can't spot problems.

It's okay to decide to err on the side of caution on this one because you glossed over red flags before and don't want to do it again. And it's only been a month in your new home. You are adjusting to a lot of things. You yourself have several other dating partners going on right now. Maybe YOU are the one who is saturated or close to saturated.

It's okay to decide "It was fun text-flirting with him. but that's all I want to give him right now," and not pursue this deeper, esp if bits feel off or like you might be rushing it.

It's okay to spend some time honoring your own self and your own well-being. YOU get to decide how you want to roll (or not) with this new one.

My 2 cents,
Galagirl
 
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