Is it ethical to fantasise about people besides my mono partner?

Is it acceptable to fantasise about someone other than your mono partner?

  • Yes

    Votes: 9 100.0%
  • No

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • It depends

    Votes: 0 0.0%

  • Total voters
    9

Mynotoar

New member
I'm (possibly) poly, and my partner is mono. We attempted an OR when we first started going out, but I hurt her a lot in the process. Eventually I decided to be with her practising mono, and not seeing other people. I still feel a sadness about not being able to have other experiences. I don't watch porn as we both felt that it wasn't healthy for me any more.

I guess I'm wondering whether it's ethical to have fantasies about other people besides my partner, while masturbating. I know that having thoughts or desires isn't something that I can control, but I'm not sure whether masturbating to them is acceptable either.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I think fantasies are a safe place to explore stuff you would not do in real life. So fantasizing about other people? It's fine. It's just fantasy. It's not cheating on your partner if you masturbate to whatever fantasies you dream up. Besides, your brain space is YOURS. You partner doesn't have to to know EVERYTHING you are thinking in there.

So long as it is not taken to excess -- like you use masturbation fantasy to escape reality, are neglecting your work , your relationships, etc?

It's fine.

Galagirl
 

3908

Member
Hi Mynotoar,
welcome to the forum.

Im in a church 12 step recovery program for a variety of things including "sexual integrity" which is a softer catch all for things like pornography, lust etc...
tho since ive been learning about poly I'm re evaluating what sexual integrity means to me.

I've been a leader of these sexual integrity groups and other groups for years, and I have heard men talk about the struggles of porn and masturbation, like there's so much fear and shame associated with it, hearing extreme terms such as masturbation is a "battle ground"
i wish i could just offer some advise to them to try to release the shame, i personally dont think theres anything wrong with Masturbation, yes i think of women that are not my wife. my wife even knows that and doesn't have a problem with it.

some background on my circumstances....
my wife and I are in a "Christian" marriage, she refuses to allow me to explore poly, even saying that im NOT poly because ive never had a poly relationship. I think she may be in denial about my interest in poly and her saying im not is her way of not dealing with it.
shes accused me of being selfish wanting poly, I've even told her i don't mind if she has a boyfriend, but she says shes not interested.
she will say god and the bible are against poly, so im against God, yeah i dont think so.


I consider myself to be poly, even if she says i cant be. I think ive been poly for almost 20 years, going back to my first interest in then calling it swinging (not actually doing anything) not knowing about poly, but i actually was interested in a poly primary secondary configuration with some friends, who would be considered kitchen table poly.

keep checking out this site, there are good people here :) some with alot of poly experience
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
Hi Mynotoar,
welcome to the forum.

Im in a church 12 step recovery program for a variety of things including "sexual integrity" which is a softer catch all for things like pornography, lust etc...
tho since ive been learning about poly I'm re evaluating what sexual integrity means to me.

I've been a leader of these sexual integrity groups and other groups for years, and I have heard men talk about the struggles of porn and masturbation, like there's so much fear and shame associated with it, hearing extreme terms such as masturbation is a "battle ground"
i wish i could just offer some advise to them to try to release the shame, i personally dont think theres anything wrong with Masturbation, yes i think of women that are not my wife. my wife even knows that and doesn't have a problem with it.

some background on my circumstances....
my wife and I are in a "Christian" marriage, she refuses to allow me to explore poly, even saying that im NOT poly because ive never had a poly relationship. I think she may be in denial about my interest in poly and her saying im not is her way of not dealing with it.
shes accused me of being selfish wanting poly, I've even told her i don't mind if she has a boyfriend, but she says shes not interested.
she will say god and the bible are against poly, so im against God, yeah i dont think so.


I consider myself to be poly, even if she says i cant be. I think ive been poly for almost 20 years, going back to my first interest in then calling it swinging (not actually doing anything) not knowing about poly, but i actually was interested in a poly primary secondary configuration with some friends, who would be considered kitchen table poly.

keep checking out this site, there are good people here :) some with alot of poly experience
3908, last year I dated a guy like you. He'd been very involved in the church all his life. Raised Catholic, he became an evangelical in college, and even went door to door trying to convert people. His wife (now his ex) was very involved in the church, and still is.

He left her because he had a revelation about himself. He needed to be polyamorous. Monogamy (and Christianity) seemed false to him. He had outgrown them.

He left the church and this wife, and soon found a poly woman to partner with, and they married. He dated another woman at the same time, but eventually it didn't work out. Then he and I dated for about 5 months. He's a great guy. Very loving. He had plenty of love to give, to keep more than one woman satisfied. I only stopped seeing him when his new wife got pregnant (they already had 5 kids from their previous relationships, partial custody was shared with the other parents). I didn't feel right to date him when his wife was pregnant and then they had a newborn. Love is unlimited but time is not. I'm hoping to start seeing him again after vaccines are widespread.

It sounds to me like you've outgrown the perspectives of the particular type of Christianity you're involved in. It sounds horrible to me!!! Ugh!

Our minds and our fantasies belong to ourselves. There are no thought police.
 
Last edited:

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Hello Mynotoar,

I don't have a problem with fantasizing about other people, it would be going too far to suggest that your monogamous partner should be able to control your mind. That's my opinion anyway.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

Mynotoar

New member
Thanks all for the replies and for feeding back with your stories. I guess the situation trips me up because I would feel a little guilty if I fantasised about someone else. Especially as there are some people who I would want to fantasise about whom it would be really hurtful for my partner if she ever knew about it. I know that my mind is my own, but as I don't keep any secrets and are pathologically incapable of lying to her, all it would take is for her to ask the question "Have you ever fantasised about someone else, or X person?" And I would have to say so. And it would hurt her and I'd feel shitty about it.

Does anyone think that fantasies are still defensible when they would hurt your partner if they ever knew?
 

icesong

Active member
Thanks all for the replies and for feeding back with your stories. I guess the situation trips me up because I would feel a little guilty if I fantasised about someone else. Especially as there are some people who I would want to fantasise about whom it would be really hurtful for my partner if she ever knew about it. I know that my mind is my own, but as I don't keep any secrets and are pathologically incapable of lying to her, all it would take is for her to ask the question "Have you ever fantasised about someone else, or X person?" And I would have to say so. And it would hurt her and I'd feel shitty about it.

Does anyone think that fantasies are still defensible when they would hurt your partner if they ever knew?
Your partner doesn't own you. Being hurt over someone else's fantasy isn't reasonable, though I suppose some people think it is. So yes, I do think it's defensible, and you shouldn't ask your partner the question if you aren't going to like the answer.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I know that my mind is my own, but as I don't keep any secrets and are pathologically incapable of lying to her, all it would take is for her to ask the question "Have you ever fantasised about someone else, or X person?" And I would have to say so. And it would hurt her and I'd feel shitty about it.

Sigh. Don't you already feel shitty NOW with no outlets? What makes the difference?

It's ok to feel bad your partner is hurting, but that doesn't mean you take responsibility for the hurt like you did something TO them.

It is not wrong to have a fantasy life. You are not doing mean things TO her by having one. Why's she even asking rather than assuming you have one like most people do?

If she asks, it is not wrong for you to answer honestly. "Yes, I fantasize about other people, even X." Presumably she's asking the question and she can take an honest answer. If she can't deal with honesty, why are you both trying again rather than stay broken up?

It is also not wrong to tell her "No, thanks. I will not be answering that. I love you but we need to have SOME things private."

You could also ask "Why are you asking this? What does knowing this solve for you?" And see if it can be solved a different way.

I think you have to think about what kind of relationship this is and whether or not it's a healthy one for you to be in. Why all this self-penance stuff? To me it sounds like you are hurting you unnecessarily.

When are you going to forgive yourself for stuff that happened before?

And start being normal with her rather than trying to wrap her up in cotton so she never hurts again?

Galagirl
 
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