Is it Poly?

Al99

Al99

Well-known member
I am in the process of writing a longer introduction, but the situation and my perspective keeps evolving - like a moving target. I will finish it, however, in due course and post it. In the meantime, I will post a question. Any feedback and discussion are very welcome.

My wife, Becky, approached me with a request to "open" our marriage so that she could explore her feelings about an old college boyfriend with whom she had somehow reconnected. She stated that she had no desire or intention to disrupt our marriage or family, as we have a young daughter who loves both of us dearly and has a real sense of family. She would like this new relationship to be "in addition to" our marriage ("boyfriend" would probably be a fair term - and he says he is willing to be her "part-time boyfriend" with no desire to disrupt our family - and he claims to be in an "open marriage" himself.). And Becky said I was welcome to find someone as well - to keep it equitable.

Since we have a good friend who is Poly, we both know a little bit about it - I have actually read more about it as I find it intellectually interesting but had always believed it wasn't for me. Becky is very fond of our Poly friend but had always said that she thought her Poly life (and that Poly in general) was just plain strange (our friend is married with a husband, boyfriend, and girlfriend).

So, I asked Becky if she wanted a Poly marriage after all. To which she replied, "no, just a relationship with one particular man". I pointed out that what she was describing - multiple committed relationships with the knowledge and consent of all - was, by definition, Poly. She contends that it is not really because she is not really into the "Poly thing" - just this one man.

I understand that - at the end of the day - it really doesn't matter how you label the situation. Still, I believe that by acknowledging it as Poly, one becomes more open to all the wisdom, knowledge, and experience that has accumulated in the Poly world in the last few decades.

Is it Poly or not? And I realize that there is not a definitive answer that everyone would agree on - but would enjoy reading any thoughts and opinions.

Best to All,

Al
 
Hey Al,

Interesting question, and one I have been asking myself as of late as. I share a similar story, having embarked on a poly marriage a year and a half ago after seeing an old flame again. We have been together ever since, and he has become part of our family in many ways. My husband has also had a relationship for over a year, that hasn't been as smooth.

Recently I began to ask myself if it wasn't for Paul, would polyamory have been a real option for us? Perhaps it doesn't matter, but yes, I agree that educating yourself about polyamory is a wise decision~ at the very least to avoid the common pitfalls, and to be able to identify and manage your feelings about certain challenges.

Would love to hear veteran's opinions!
 
So, I asked Becky if she wanted a Poly marriage after all
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To me it sounds like she doesn't want to have any commitment ceremonies where she has "two husbands" at this time.

To me it sounds like...

  • She wants one husband (you).
  • She wants an Open marriage so she can practice a polyamorous V with two sweeties: you and this BF person.
  • She wants only these 2 sweeties -- you and this married BF and that's it. Not where she has these 2 sweeties and still is dating for more partners. She's willing for her sweeties to have other partners, but her? At this time, her plate is full at 2 sweeties.

I suppose you could ask her if that is what she means. The only one who can tell you for sure is her.

Maybe you could read these together to get some common vocabulary "calibrated?" The second has some drawings.

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/models-of-open-relationships

http://polywithintent.blogspot.com/2014/04/what-does-your-poly-look-like.html

Maybe try drawing out what you each are talking about when describing what you are and are not up for?

I understand that - at the end of the day - it really doesn't matter how you label the situation
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Yes and no. Ultimately you arrange yourselves how you want to be with your people. It doesn't matter what other people call their networks or arrangements, because they are not in YOUR network or arrangements.

But I would hope the people YOU are in a network with can talk with common vocabulary. Otherwise there's going to be misunderstandings in there if one person calls something X and another person thinks that means Y.

Galagirl
 
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Habibtig - Thanks for your reply - it does sound like our situations are very similar. I have found your advice to learn about Poly to be helpful already - this situation would have been much more difficult if I hadn't (almost by chance, really - depending on how you view the universe, I suppose) been intellectually exposed to Poly beforehand - so that I had somewhat of a head start in being able to cope when Becky came to me to open the marriage.

GalaGirl - thanks for your insight into our situation and the great resource links! Becky has been clear that she only wants this one man as an additional partner - and if that doesn't work out then that will be that - so although what she wants is poly, by definition, it also seems that she does not want poly for the sake of poly. I do believe that her expectation for me is that I would be welcome to find one additional partner - to match hers - but no more. So - definitely a limited version of Poly but still Poly nonetheless.

Any other thoughts on this are more than welcome.

Best,

Al
 
Al99 said:
...Becky has been clear that she only wants this one man as an additional partner - and if that doesn't work out then that will be that - so although what she wants is poly, by definition, it also seems that she does not want poly for the sake of poly. I do believe that her expectation for me is that I would be welcome to find one additional partner - to match hers - but no more. So - definitely a limited version of Poly but still Poly nonetheless...
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Welcome Al. You came to a great board and I am sure you'll find much to learn from here, as I continue to do.

A red flag I see is your last statement, that you (paraphrasing) "believe her expectation for you is that you would be welcome to find one additional partner, but no more."

But you don't have an old flame waiting in the wings who is poly and open to rekindling a relationship. If you were to find that sacred "one partner" you think you have your wife's consent to be with, you'd need to date and find Her.

This would entail meeting many people, unless you win the lottery and find Her on a first date! No, much more likely you'd be going on many first, second, third dates, sometimes dating more than one potential partner simultaneously while trying to find which one is The One.

You would also be having romance and sex with exciting new partners. New Relationship Energy (infatuation) is very engrossing and heady, and can cause problems of its own. (Do a tag search for NRE here for more on that.)

If your wife wants you both to have the freedom to have another partner, your path to that may be long and full of attempts and disappointments. (I am speaking from personal experience and from reading here for years and knowing this is the usual way. Dating is hard, especially hard for poly men, and can often suck.)

So, I'd advise first asking her to find out for sure if her guessed at expectation is for you to have one other partner only. And ask yourself if that is what YOU want. And share your thoughts with your wife in open respectful dialog. And tell her what I said, that you may need to date for years to find The One. And see how she takes the news of that potentially long and difficult process.

Also, know that if the thing with her and her old flame doesn't work out, you may still want to pursue your quest for The (other) One. The barn door is now open, the horse is out. How would she deal if she is disappointed with Old Flame and you are still on the market? Do you allow her to force you to Close your relationship just because she was disappointed with Old Flame?
 
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Al99 said:
Is it Poly or not?
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Yes, it's poly.

Polyamory is the desire or practice of conducting multiple intimate love relationships with the consent of all. There is no club to join, no lifestyle to which anyone must swear allegiance, no type of person to be. Polyamory is simply having more than one loving intimate/romantic relationship with all partners consenting. There's a stereotype, but poly looks different on every person who practices it. Many people find themselves evolving into poly because of one special person. We see it here every day. It can be but is not necessarily something a person is wired for like being gay. For many, it's a choice and for some, it's specific to a certain partner. What your wife is proposing is polyamory, to be sure.
 
Hi Al99,

What you're describing sounds like poly to me, but I guess that's my opinion and Becky is entitled to her opinion. If Becky doesn't want to read up on poly writings/literature, you can still read up on those things yourself, and gain benefits therefrom.

That's my 2¢.
Kevin T.
 
Magdlyn - thanks for making the insightful comment about finding a secondary poly partner for myself if that time should come. I have seen it repeated a few times on the forums that the guys can have a tough time of it in the poly world. And, in fact, when I said that to Becky.. I had added but "easier said than done". Truth is - I might be ok just remaining mono in practice - right now I do not feel a pressing need to have another partner even if Becky does - but would still be open to the possibility.

FallenAngelina - I had wondered how often it happened that couples entered the poly world along the lines that we have - due to one specific love interest by one of the partners...Thanks for sharing that we are hardly alone in that!

Kevin - I appreciate the advice to take advantage of the poly resources regardless of Becky's take on it. As had been pointed out, the relationship is now, by definition, poly - whether either of us wants to be in the poly world or not. Since I have already found it very helpful to have been aware of the poly basics, I am certain that I will continue to utilize the numerous resources available.

Best to all,

Al
 
To insist it's not poly because it's just this one guy is a bit like insisting that the sandwich she just ate isn't food because she's never eaten one before and might not ever again. The definition might make sense to her, but to most people a sandwich is food.

If you're concerned about the label, check what Becky means by "Poly", and make sure you're both using the same definition. To her, "Poly" might mean a triad where everyone is involved with everyone else and they all live together, or it might mean everyone has to be bisexual, or it can only be two females involved with one male, or any number of other weird configurations. If that's the case, then by her definition what's going on with her boyfriend isn't poly, but that's because of the definition she's using, not because the rest of us wouldn't recognise it as poly.
 
I think your wife is trying to nuance her prior comments and position with her new wants. SO Yes its poly. It doesn't matter if today she not interested in revolving door date or how narrowly she wants to tries to define the new relationship with her BF.


Al99 said:
She stated that she had no desire or intention to disrupt our marriage or family, as we have a young daughter who loves both of us dearly and has a real sense of family.
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Too late on that.

I dont know how long you've been married or how you how you would describe your marriage. Mostly smooth and happy /rough and rocky but that old relationship/dynamic is gone. As all this settles in you should anticipate going though a mourning period. This alone could be disruptive.

Im not sure if its naivete, wishful thinking, or just a good sales tactic but in my opinion its impossible to add romantic partners and not impact the marriage. And the impact might not always be negative too. Not uncommon to have a partner up late testing or sexting and then come looking for release. If you're ok being the stunt dick that could be on the pro side of the pro con list.

Time, attention, energy, money or anything considered a finite resource will have an impact. You cant be in the same place at once. Trade-offs occur. If I spend a 100 dollars on drinks and dinner with GF thats 100 dollars less for wife/family/whatever.

IMO there's a myriad of events or situations that could have direct or unintended consequences. From being outed to friends and family to your sexual health being linked to some guy or guys that the BF's wife is dating to a surprise pregnancy. That's happened around here often enough to be considered a valid risk and also very disruptive.

Last minute edit/addition. If and when her relationship with BF fails you get to be the emotional tampon. Depending on how traumatic the break up how long intrusion into your families life.
And Becky said I was welcome to find someone as well - to keep it equitable.
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Don't be too surprised if this was more of a gratuitous gesture at the time. Im not saying she not being honest but instead playing the long odds knowing your demeanor, position on this, schedule/time. Its like inviting people you know are going out of town to a party. Very low odds of them sowing up but it looks good that you invited them.


I would suggest you and your wife read up on the topic of Poly hell thats going to be your next hurdle.

Also id recommend you both read the the numerous threads and blogs here on the forum. It seems like we only see one side of these relationships show up. Either its the struggling mono trying to figure things out or the poly spouse trying understand emotions or reactions dealing with the mono.
IMO the poly bomb gets dropped and and shortly after those initial discussions the victim is left to deal with his or her emotions and or the reality of the situation. Which means quite bit of learning occurs on the mono side....the the NRE infused poly partner is more optimistic about putting out fires less interested in proactive fire prevention.
 
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Thanks for the continuing comments -

Emm - agreed, it is - by definition - poly. I think Becky's idea is that her having a boyfriend in addition to our marriage (with my knowledge and consent) is not really poly in the sense that we are not signing up for the "poly lifestyle" (that she sees her openly poly friend in). It's not really too much of an issue - just a point of discussion for us - she does concede that it is "technically poly"...but not really. :)

dingedheart - thanks for your insightful comments. Actually, I agree on both your major points. Yes - it has been a disruption already - in that we've spent a whole bunch of hours talking-discussing-arguing about it, including losing sleep talking about it. Definitely won't have to worry about surprise pregnancy, but - you are correct - there could always be other unintended consequences. And - as to me finding someone else - you may be correct there also.... but I'm in no hurry on that count - and may not even pursue the option. I've read a lot here and elsewhere already and the information and definitely me helped cope with the situation (thank you, poly community!) - and I will made it a point to do a search on "poly hell".

Best to All,

Al
 
Thanks , Kevin.

I had actually read that article and found it so insightful that I saved a copy of it. I most definitely felt "demoted" at the beginning of this episode - very much so, in fact. I have slowly been able to shift my perception - but it still lingers to a degree. And also some displacement - since he lives hours away, the issue is somewhat minimized - but there have been times that Becky left the den in the evening to spend an hour on the phone with Ben upstairs when that time would have been with me - so have felt a degree of that at well.

Best,

Al
 
It's certainly true that time is a very limited resource and as such, poly will impact any existing relationships, quite possibly in a negative way.

Glad to hear the article was helpful.
 
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