Is metamour a narcissist?

D

Dada85

New member
Hi everyone,

I have recently shared that my wife and I have just started being an open couple. She has been with a metamour for 4 months now and I have always had deep doubts regarding the real personality of this person. I would need your opinion based on the following facts:

1) When I discovered the relationship between this guy and my wife (yes started as cheating), he said that he would stop all communication and started ghosting her. After 1 week, he was back again sending her message and playing with her via message

2) I met him at our place a couple of weeks ago as I wanted to see him and get to know him. During this time, he actually came home drunk and he started asking me what he should do (like should I keep on dating your wife or not?). In addition, he was totally unable to explain what he was expecting from the relationship (we asked him many times but he never answered). He also pretended he wanted to leave us in peace without committing to anything (like saying I am leaving, putting his back, going toward the door, and then returning to the sofa to continue with the discussion as if nothing happened; this 3 times). In the same evening, he then called my wife to say that she was mean to him (guilt trip). He then made everything to be with her again.

3) Yesterday, he dumped my wife because she was discussing with another guy and because apparently, he cannot deal with the fact that she is a people-person, someone that people like very much and that he felts threatened. No discussion at all, he just dumped her.

So my question is: did my wife find a narcissist? I strongly believe it but I might be biased as well so please let me know what you think. It is obvious that he is using her and that he is suffering from very low self-esteem where he feels threatened by anyone. He doesn't seem to consider at all the fact that my wife and I might be suffering from the situation.

I guess that due to limerence or NRE, my wife is blind to the real situation. I really fear that he might destroy her (she is already mentally weak). I managed to communicate with her today and to have her check for traits of narcissist person. She agreed that some aspects of him correspond and said that she would like to break up but doesn't feel like she can. As they share the same course during next week, I am almost certain that she will fall in his trap once again and get even worse than yesterday. Any help is welcome.
 
I am sorrry you struggle.

Is this a NEW guy? Or the same guy from the last post? Could you please give people made up names so it's easier to follow your story?


I think this is too many things for an internet board to help you with well. It's not one single issue but a whole pile of mixed up things.

You said she's mentally weak. What does that mean?

I thought she'd moved out to get some space and figure out if she still wants to be with you? Like a trial separation? And you were trying to be respectful of that, work on yourself and having been a toxic person, and figure out if you can do open relationship or not on your side during this time apart?

Did she ask you for your help in getting rid of this guy?

Are you still seeing a counselor? Have you told them about the issues from the last post and this one? That would be my advice. Talk to your counselor about this.
 
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It is absolutely not possible for anyone on a forum to confirm or deny someone is a narcissist based on these anecdotes. If any response, anywhere online claims to tell you he is, they are misguided at best, malicious at worst.

It is clear, however, that things are definitely wonky for all of you, including the new guy who is probably unsure himself about polyamory. It's very possible that he's not a good fit for polyamory, but he might not be the only one here.

You can't control anyone's behaviour but your own, so please keep working working with your counselor to develop your own agency in any given situation. Maybe make plans in your mind about how to make and enforce your own boundaries. And perhaps create some shared boundaries with your wife such as not entertaining drunk people, regardless of who they are, and what actions you would both take if anyone shows up to your home drunk in the future.
 
Hi Dada85,

It sounds like your metamour is a narcissist. He obviously only cares about himself. And he does not have good self-control. His behavior is erratic. That's classic narcissism. You would be wise to avoid this guy.

I hope this is helpful to you.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
GalaGirl said:
I am sorrry you struggle.

Is this a NEW guy? Or the same guy from the last post? Could you please give people made up names so it's easier to follow your story?


I think this is too many things for an internet board to help you with well. It's not one single issue but a whole pile of mixed up things.

You said she's mentally weak. What does that mean?

I thought she'd moved out to get some space and figure out if she still wants to be with you? Like a trial separation? And you were trying to be respectful of that, work on yourself and having been a toxic person, and figure out if you can do open relationship or not on your side during this time apart?

Did she ask you for your help in getting rid of this guy?

Are you still seeing a counselor? Have you told them about the issues from the last post and this one? That would be my advice. Talk to your counselor about this.
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Sorry if it was unclear.

It's the same guy yes (there has always been only one).

You said she's mentally weak. What does that mean?

When I say my wife is emntally weak it's that she has suffered from light depression for a a couple of years with a lack of motivation to do anything and also suffered a lot from a leg condition that prevented her from being independent.

I thought she'd moved out to get some space and figure out if she still wants to be with you? Like a trial separation? And you were trying to be respectful of that, work on yourself and having been a toxic person, and figure out if you can do open relationship or not on your side during this time apart?
To answer your next question: she moved out only for 2 weeks, to take some distance but not to evaluate whether she wanted to stay with me or not. I have been 100% respectful of her time alone, and only answered when she contacted me or wanted to see me. I knew that she was seeing this guy a lot but never tried anything to prevent it (like I would have done in the past). I am still working on myself (therapist, hypnotherapist, self-care, and new friends) but I did not date anyone as I don't really believe am I ready for it.

Did she ask you for your help in getting rid of this guy?
She did not, but she started discussing about what happened, was in tears and unable to understand how he could have been so mean to her when she did not do anything. We discussed for a fairly long time asking me for my opinion on him (whether he is narcissistic or not) and I said that even if he is not, he still doesn't give the same weight to the relation as she does and he doesn't really give any weight to people's feeling.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi Dada85,

It sounds like your metamour is a narcissist. He obviously only cares about himself. And he does not have good self-control. His behavior is erratic. That's classic narcissism. You would be wise to avoid this guy.

I hope this is helpful to you.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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I also believe it yes; and even if he is not I am afraid that he is not a good person. What scares me a lot is that despite these 3 very negative signals (in only 4 months), she is still running after him. If he wants to be with her, she is very likely to start the same cycle of destruction over and over until there will be nothing left of her. She clearly admitted that he doesn't really care about her while she is deeply addicted :-(.

May I ask more experienced people to let me know how to handle such situation? I cannot just be there to for her when she returns home in tears, this is not going to work; and it would be very unfair for myself too.
 
Evie said:
It is absolutely not possible for anyone on a forum to confirm or deny someone is a narcissist based on these anecdotes. If any response, anywhere online claims to tell you he is, they are misguided at best, malicious at worst.
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Please reread this post.

Your wife cheated on you and then kept the guy around. That's your problem there. Your wife is disloyal and doesn't respect you. Forget trying to demonize this guy, you're already married to the devil!
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
Please reread this post.

Your wife cheated on you and then kept the guy around. That's your problem there. Your wife is disloyal and doesn't respect you. Forget trying to demonize this guy, you're already married to the devil!
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Yeah, I fear that you are right and that at least currently, she is not a good person. It's just impossible for me to consider since I know that she is not always like that. She has been very good but things have apparently changed. I just don't know if I should keep on investing effort or not. I feel like she is not respecting me (but she doesn't have any respect for herself too)
 
May I ask more experienced people to let me know how to handle such situation? I cannot just be there to for her when she returns home in tears, this is not going to work; and it would be very unfair for myself too.
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Correct. You do not have to help her with this, esp if doing so hurts you.

If your wife does not have a therapist, you could suggest she see one. You are trying to work on your stuff with yours.

And you say "I'm sorry. I see you hurt. But I cannot be the person who helps you with this. I suggest you set up a therapist."

She did not, but she started discussing about what happened, was in tears and unable to understand how he could have been so mean to her when she did not do anything. We discussed for a fairly long time asking me for my opinion on him (whether he is narcissistic or not) and I said that even if he is not, he still doesn't give the same weight to the relation as she does and he doesn't really give any weight to people's feeling.
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She took up with Dude in a cheating affair. She can talk to an actual therapist about how to deal with him, if he might be a narcissist, processing her feelings, how to get out of it, etc.

YOU cannot be the "free therapist" for her when you are this close to the issue. It is NOT appropriate.

You can also ask to go back to living separately til she sorts out this Dude if you are finding that worked out better. Could she go back to the friend? Or you take a turn with one of your friends? Each of you taking turns with different friends so no one friend is put upon too much?

And no drunk people of any kind over at the house around you . You have enough going on without adding that.

Galagirl
 
Hi Dada,

Your wife should definitely stay away from this guy. It does not matter whether he is a narcissist: The bottom line is that he doesn't care about her, and he is a toxic person. I am also alarmed to hear how she is addicted to this guy. It's not a healthy situation, she needs to break up with him.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
GalaGirl said:
You can also ask to go back to living separately til she sorts out this Dude if you are finding that worked out better. Could she go back to the friend? Or you take a turn with one of your friends? Each of you taking turns with different friends so no one friend is put upon too much?

And no drunk people of any kind over at the house around you . You have enough going on without adding that.

Galagirl
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The situation is really complicated and it's driving me crazy: I live in Singapore where apartments are small and space limited; the opportunity we had with the friend offering the apartment will unfortunately not happen again. The problem is that the apartment is small and 2 people cannot live together for more than a couple of nights. On my side, I don't have anyone that could welcome me for some time. It means that we must stay in the same apartment no matter what.

The situation is even worse than that: I have an employment pass meaning that as long as I have a job, I can stay in the country. My wife doesn't, she depends on me to stay here. This is driving me crazy because I feel so stuck in this situation, I have the impression that there is no exit and that no matter what I do, we are dependent on each other. This is really bad for my dependency!

I have proposed her to see a therapist, but I don't believe she will do it.

Let me also update you on the situation: after being treated like shit by this guy, being in tears a whole day, she is already back in touch with L (let's call him L from now on). I have asked her whether she would be open to restart a relation with L and said that it would be possible, but she would need time. Seeing her that blinded is truly scary for her, but also for me as I know that more pain will inevitably come.
 
The situation is even worse than that: I have an employment pass meaning that as long as I have a job, I can stay in the country. My wife doesn't, she depends on me to stay here.
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What does that mean? You would like to take a job elsewhere and leave Singapore?
 
GalaGirl said:
What does that mean? You would like to take a job elsewhere and leave Singapore?
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It means that I can stay in the country as long as I have a job. My wife can stay in the country as long as I have a job (unless she finds a job but it's almost impossible). If I break up with her, she might be kicked out of the country and it's not something that I want as I believe it's a bit too violent. So in summary, I feel stucked.
 
Find a new job, move country, take her with you? 🙃
 
Evie said:
Find a new job, move country, take her with you? 🙃
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If only it was that easy :). I love this country, and love what I have; In addition, my wife is also happu here and she finally found what she wants to do so it would be mean stopping her here.
 
GalaGirl said:
So I've read a lot of things that keep you "stuck."

Is there a list of things you ARE willing to change?

GG
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This is a good question. I am currently working as much as I can on my codependency to give her a non-conditional freedom. I have already changed a bit since I started the work 8 weeks ago:

- I no longer seek her attention or blame her (via message or calls) when she goes out with friends or with him
- I have finally my own activities (still exploring new ones) and I am meeting many people
- I write her less messages in the day
- I try to identify when I should have said "no" (boundaries)
- I work hard on managing my emotion (I do a lot of mindfulness and standard meditation)

Nevertheless, there is no miracle: it's been only 8 weeks and I can't change entirely in such a short period of time especially when such behavior as been engrained for 38 years. In addition, this new situation is nothing but stable and favorable for personal work (although I agree on the fact that the severity of the situation is what will allow to me change one for good). I spend a lot of time thinking of her, waiting for messages or any attention and feel very bad when we have arguments.

These arguments are still very present, and I know she feels exhausted about it. I know that what triggers these arguments or long discussions is every time she starts talking about him (L). While I certainly don't want to spend talking about him, seeing my wife returning in tears and starting to explain everything that happened (see point 3 in the first message) is unfortunately a source of worry, and therefore in the following days we do talk about it; probably too much. My learning will be to stop advising when it's not requested and to let her make her mistakes in the futur. So now we agreed that she would no longer talk about him so that we can both cool down and rest.

It's really a painful period for me, I am trying my best to be a good husband, I am trying my best to improve, but I am in a deep codependency and the recovery is long. Each time we have arguments, I feel like I am losing her even more which causes me to feel guilty and even more anxious. I guess my relief will only happen the day I will accept to let her go (at least in my mind).
 
You seem to be aware that you are a person in progress, have personal work to be doing, and that it is going to take TIME.

These arguments are still very present, and I know she feels exhausted about it. I know that what triggers these arguments or long discussions is every time she starts talking about him (L).
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This might have to be a "no" boundary for you. She can talk to someone else about L. Not you. The only things you actually need to know are calendar and safer sex practices are being used.


While I certainly don't want to spend talking about him, seeing my wife returning in tears and starting to explain everything that happened (see point 3 in the first message) is unfortunately a source of worry, and therefore in the following days we do talk about it; probably too much.
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That might have to be a "No" boundary. Where you only process the cheating affair stuff with a therapist present to keep it on track.

And not like wife dumps all this stuff at you from the sky at random.

She walks away feeling aired out and lighter.

And you walk away feeling weighed down and yucky. And like "What was THAT?!"


My learning will be to stop advising when it's not requested and to let her make her mistakes in the futur. So now we agreed that she would no longer talk about him so that we can both cool down and rest.
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I hope you can stick to that agreement and not talk about it outside of therapy sessions. Not if talking about it by yourselves makes things worse or ADDS even more problems.

Yes, she has to make her mistakes herself. She cannot talk to you about it. You have to stand back and not get all involved in her process.

On your side of things you can worry and feel all the things. But you cannot talk to wife about it and she could not get involved in your process.

If you cannot TAKE AWAY right now, at least stop ADDING to the pile.

Each time we have arguments, I feel like I am losing her even more which causes me to feel guilty and even more anxious. I guess my relief will only happen the day I will accept to let her go (at least in my mind).
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Codependent people, fear of abandonment people, conflict avoidant/fear of conflict people, the people who have latched on tight to "Their Life Preserver Person..."

All have a lot of work to untangle but it CAN be done. You can learn to stand on your own two feet and learn some independence first, then learn HEALTHY interdependence next.

Take it in small steps. One day at a time.
 
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Thanks a lot for all the advice; it really helps. I need boundaries, this is certain but it's not an easy thing to build.

The difficult thing is that my partner doesn't seem to understand that she takes me for granted: she never has the same care for as she has for her friends. At the same time, so far, why would she? I mean I was always home waiting for her and just doing everything for her, so who would care, right?

Let me just ask a question regarding what I should do: since what happened on Wednesday (point 3 in the first message), my wife is really depressed and I don't know if I should do anything or if I should wait for her to come to me? Part of me would like to do everything for her to be better, but another part is telling me to let her solve her problems and to grow from the current experience (with the fear that by being not present she will actually not love me). Codependents are weird :).
 
You do not have to "fix" her feelings. Let her be depressed. She can feel all her feelings and figure out what to do next about L. on her own.

You just be normal you doing the normal stuff that you do after work. Chores, dinner, invite her to watch some TV -- whatever your normal evening activities are. That is being present enough.

GG
 
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