Mephistopheles
New member
From all that I (42M) have experienced in life, I have found that nonmonogamy is a privilege reserved only for couples and women. What can I do to change this?
Is Poly only for the Privileged?
- Thread starter Mephistopheles
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Hello Mephistopheles,
It is like a well-known secret that men often have more difficulty finding poly partners than women. I do not know how to change this situation. Add to that the fact that it is hard to find love in the first place, whether poly or mono. This does not mean you are searching for the impossible, it just means it will probably take a long time, and you'll have to be very patient. I am a male in an MFM V, so I know it can be done. My experience is that my chances have always been better when I started as a platonic friend with a woman. That can eventually evolve into something more romantic. Anyway, these are my thoughts on the subject.
Regards,
Kevin T.
It is like a well-known secret that men often have more difficulty finding poly partners than women. I do not know how to change this situation. Add to that the fact that it is hard to find love in the first place, whether poly or mono. This does not mean you are searching for the impossible, it just means it will probably take a long time, and you'll have to be very patient. I am a male in an MFM V, so I know it can be done. My experience is that my chances have always been better when I started as a platonic friend with a woman. That can eventually evolve into something more romantic. Anyway, these are my thoughts on the subject.
Regards,
Kevin T.
Um... no? We are a FMF "V", meaning the man is poly. I know several men who are poly, and even more who are just generally non-monogamous.
I don't even agree with Kevin that "men often have more difficulty finding poly partners than women" - men have more difficulties finding sex partners; women who just want sex or casual and aren't picky have an easy time there. But poly women looking for relationships need to be picky. Finding love or compatible long-term partners is equally difficult for all sexes.
I don't even agree with Kevin that "men often have more difficulty finding poly partners than women" - men have more difficulties finding sex partners; women who just want sex or casual and aren't picky have an easy time there. But poly women looking for relationships need to be picky. Finding love or compatible long-term partners is equally difficult for all sexes.
There's a much more interesting question I wonder, whether poly is for the privileged who have the time and money to sustain multiple relationships (can contribute to rent to share flat with another partner, have flexible working hours to work out dating schedules, can afford therapy/personal development...). I think it partly is, but maybe there are ways of poly underrepresented on this forum where people actually do share resources effectively.
"Couple's privilege"? We talk about it all the time here. But I don't think that's the way OP meant it.
Yeah, I thought OP meant privilege like white-professional-upper-middle-class-suburbia-affluent.
Well, the poly guys that I know who can "shoot fish in a barrel" in the dating world have what the kids currently call "rizz".
One says he "put all his points in charisma" (gaming reference). The other calls himself a "manic pixie dream boy".
So you can change your outcomes for at least getting dates by upping your charisma (and no, not with PUA shit like peacocking). Jimmy Carr also put it really well when he said that "what women like is competence." And both of the charismatic men I'm thinking about come across as highly competent, albeit in their very different areas.
silver-genie
Member
Women are not privileged in the dating world. When men say dating is harder for them, they're talking about being not getting matches. When women say dating is harder for them, they're talking about being abused, sexually assaulted, and traumatized.
Women also struggle with finding people who meet their standards. I'm a woman who has been single for six years. During that time, every ENM man I've dated had more romantic or sexual partners than I did. The women I know with the most partners have 2-3 partners, the men 3-5. Every time I use a dating app for more than 5 minutes, I get disrespected or mistreated, unless I am exclusively talking to women. I've had to take many breaks from dating over the years due to men creating new trauma for me.
Women also struggle with finding people who meet their standards. I'm a woman who has been single for six years. During that time, every ENM man I've dated had more romantic or sexual partners than I did. The women I know with the most partners have 2-3 partners, the men 3-5. Every time I use a dating app for more than 5 minutes, I get disrespected or mistreated, unless I am exclusively talking to women. I've had to take many breaks from dating over the years due to men creating new trauma for me.
Yes, couples (and women, sometimes) can have privileges, but couples and women aren't inherently privileged. Marriage has privileges, but you can be in a committed couple and not be married, so...
Right.
My bf Aries is currently "shooting fish in a barrel" when it comes to women. Lots and lots of polyamorous and swinger women would drop their panties for him in an instant. And many have. He draws women like a magnet. I dunno if it's "competence." I think it's being caring, a good writer of texts and messages, and sexual, but not in an upfront gross way. And he is persistent. He just really likes talking to women. But he's had this skill or "blessing" ever since high school. It kinda came naturally. He didn't have to develop this skill.