Is Poly Right For Me?

[JHolt]

Hello,

My wife and I recently opened our marriage. I found an attraction to another man and was starting to have, what my wife called, an emotional affair with him. The conversations started out very sexual but transformed over time and u truly care for him. My wife felt it would be best to open our marriage to allow me to form a relationship with him. The arrangement would also allow her to persue another partner.

We have been at this for 3 weeks or so and my wife has hit it off pretty hot and heavy with another man. My relationship has been going extremely slow right now as the man I have been talking to (for a few months now) isn't sure how he feels about being in this situation and wants to ensure our relationship is built up solid before going too quickly.

My main "issue" right now is that I'm having a hard time deciding if I want this lifestyle or not. I love the idea of wholly loving two people that I care about but I'm having a hard time watching my wife's face light up when she talks about her other partner and watching her leave in a car with him. I am being very jealous and its extremely hard as my partner and I havent gone on a single date yet. I have feelings of not caring to put much effort in because I'm not sold on what I want. I cant decide if the pain and feelings and the "cluster f**k" that it sounds like the poly lifestyle can be are what I want. I have been reading More Than Two to try to help.

My main question, I'm hoping some can shed a light on or share situations, is if I'm reluctant to put the effort into getting through this jealousy because I dont know if I'm sure I want this life. Does that indicate this may not be the life for me? Or is it initial feelings of fear and doubt and I should try to push through and navigate them?

I know I'm willing to push through the negative feelings but I'm unsure if I want to take that jump. My heart and head are not in agreement right now and I tend to be a logical person so trying to get my mind ok with this.

 

[sunray]

Hi JHolt!

It sounds from what you’ve written here that you’re ‘ambiamorous’, which is to say, you could be happy in a monogamous or a polyamorous situation, depending on the people involved (and how much internal work and interpersonal negotiation you were up for).

I can understand having mixed feelings about it all. Certainly the potential for heartbreak and drama goes up, the more people are relating together, not to mention the challenges of navigating jealousy.

Is it the case that if you decide it’s all too much for you, your wife will also have to stop dating? Certainly agreements of that type are popular with people who are just dipping their toes in the poly pool. I see the potential for a lot of hurt all around if this is the case (your guyfriend, who is going slow to build a solid connection; your wife, who seems to be embracing these new opportunities and experiences; your wife’s dates, who I hope have been warned that this might not last, and that your wife isn’t wholly in charge of her choices about her outside relationships if such is the case), so I hope you will finish your cost/benefit analysis soon.

Certainly polyamory has worked well for me, and I’m very happy with it. But I’ve been poly since before I married, neither my husband or I struggles with jealousy, and aside from the MFM V that I am living in, none of the three of us is currently dating anyone else. (MonkeyMan is too busy, RacingSnail considers himself more mono, and I feel like two partners is enough at the moment.)

 

[JHolt]

Thank you for the reply.

I have asked my wife if she would consider going back to monogamy of we could work on some issues but she says she is happy with this and not interested in "going backwards". I fear for what may happen if I cannot wrap my head around this. Part of me says take the leap of faith and see what happens. I'm trying to be happy that she found happiness but having trouble "letting go".

I know no one can provide an answer, just looking for ways people who have maybe had something similar were able to cope or change.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

My wife and I recently opened our marriage. I found an attraction to another man and was starting to have, what my wife called, an emotional affair with him. The conversations started out very sexual but transformed over time and u truly care for him. My wife felt it would be best to open our marriage to allow me to form a relationship with him. The arrangement would also allow her to persue another partner.

Is wife you main support person? Why's she the main voice here?

What did YOU think back then?

And why pick open marriage as the first step?

Rather than deal with emotional affair recovery stuff first?

Or cope with bi stuff first?

Or the other issues you have?

What was it like for you? You agreed like "Oh, relief, she isn't pissed, I don't have to feel guilty. Sure open marriage!"

and not like "After much consideration, Open Marriage is the best choice for me?" I'm trying to understand what issues you want to address in what order.

I love the idea of wholly loving two people that I care about but I'm having a hard time watching my wife's face light up when she talks about her other partner and watching her leave in a car with him. I am being very jealous and its extremely hard as my partner and I havent gone on a single date yet.

Is she telling you too many details about her dating life? Could ask her to dial it down a bit while you are adjusting.

And don't compare how your dating life unfolds with hers. The people are all different.

I have feelings of not caring to put much effort in because I'm not sold on what I want. I cant decide if the pain and feelings and the "cluster f**k" that it sounds like the poly lifestyle can be are what I want. I have been reading More Than Two to try to help.

Is it that you were lukewarm on open marriage?

And maybe feeling bad about the emotional affair?

And now wife is all in NRE lalas?

And you are learning how to date a guy?

Because any one of those things is a big load by itself, much less all piled up together. So I can only imagine your stress.

I have asked my wife if she would consider going back to monogamy of we could work on some issues but she says she is happy with this and not interested in "going backwards".

Ok. She doesn't want to go back to Closed.

Is she still willing to work on the issues WHILE continuing open marriage then? Maybe see a poly counselor? What ARE the issues?

You might also think about counseling for just you so you get some extra support sorting out all your feelings.

Galagirl

 

[JHolt]

I'm not sure if I'm intended to legit answer these but I'm going to to see if it helps me talk things through.

Is wife you main support person? Why's she the main voice here?

Right now my wife is my only support person. I have started to work on talking with people within the poly community but dont have friends or family who I feel comfortable talking to about this. For a long time my wife says she didnt care about herself (which is true) and she thinks that with her happiness now that she is caring for herself and doesnt want to revert back, she feels like she was "living in a dream" and not caring about life.

What did YOU think back then?

The whole conversation with another man started because I felt I wasn't getting the attention and love/support I needed at home. Turns out she felt the same way and we have both communicated about it since.

And why pick open marriage as the first step?

She felt it was a solution so I could be with a man and her but she wanted it to be "fair".

Rather than deal with emotional affair recovery stuff first?

I told her about this and the book stated it's best to work through that first but she is confident we can do both.

Or cope with bi stuff first?

We've has threesomes before but honestly kve not been able to perform as my mind gets in the way and overabalyzes things. We both thought that with an emotional attachment to someone I could experience a working, physical relationship with a man, which is something I've been curious about.

Or the other issues you have?

I will say our communication had gone through the roof. Our main issue was lack of communication.

What was it like for you? You agreed like "Oh, relief, she isn't pissed, I don't have to feel guilty. Sure open marriage!"

She gave an ultimatum to either cut things off completely with him and we would do couples counseling or I could pursue a relationship with him but open our marriage.

and not like "After much consideration, Open Marriage is the best choice for me."



Is she telling you too many details about her dating life? Could ask her to dial it down a bit while you are adjusting.

She doesnt share more than I ask but I have asked a question or two I wasn't prepared for the answer so, my fault. She has pulled back and been respectful in that regard.

And don't compare how your dating life unfolds with hers. The people are all different.

Thank you for that point.

Is it that you were lukewarm on open marriage?

I am, I'm not set on it, sort of feel "forced" into it but I'm not completely opposed to the idea if things can flow a little better.

And maybe feeling bad about the emotional affair?

And now wife is all in NRE lalas?

It is hard to see her so into a relationship so quickly. The wife of the man she is seeing has also asked for a pullback so I know I'm not alone in this.

And you are learning how to date a guy?

Yes, this will be my first time dating a man.

Because any one of those things is a big load by itself, much less all piled up together. So I can only imagine your stress.



Ok. She doesn't want to go back to Closed.

Is she still willing to work on the issues WHILE continuing open marriage then? Maybe see a poly counselor? What ARE the issues?

We have discussed and agreed to see a counselor at the start of the new year. Both individually and together.

You might also think about counseling for just you so you get some extra support sorting out all your feelings.

Thank you again, sorry if I shouldn't respond but talking things out is huge for me.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello JHolt,

It sounds like poly *would* be right for you, if only the circumstances were a little more evenly distributed. As it stands, your wife has been able to move very fast with her new man, while you are hobbled as the man you are seeing wants to go very slow. That's kind of an unfair situation for you, or at least it seems unfair. The tricky part is that your wife doesn't want to go back to monogamy, so you are left trying to figure out whether to hit her with an ultimatum. My guess is that you don't want to divorce. Therefore you'll have to figure out how to tolerate a polyamorous life, polyamorous on her side at least. In which case, it might as well be polyamorous on your side too, right?

It sounds like you are able to adapt to polyamory, like you are able to power through your jealousy if that's what you have to do, but you need the circumstances to be more evenly distributed. You need your wife to slow down with her new man, and you need the man you are seeing to speed up just a little. You'll have to talk to each of them, explain that this is what you need, and see if they are willing to accommodate you just a little. Your man could decide to break up with you, which would be very hard to bear, but perhaps it would free you up to seek a relationship with another man, perhaps a man who would be willing to move a little faster, and embrace polyamory with you. These are just some of my initial thoughts.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

I'm not sure if I'm intended to legit answer these but I'm going to to see if it helps me talk things through.

I can't speak for GG (GalaGirl) but these are the type of questions that we often pose - you can treat them as rhetorical (you are not obligated to respond) if you want. If parsing out your response helps you talk through things then by all means, type away!

It sounds like communication was a big issue and that has improved - but you still have a LOT of communicating to do.

Thank you again, sorry if I shouldn't respond but talking things out is huge for me.

No apologies necessary, some people process better while trying to compose their thoughts for other people, internet forums are good for this!

 

[GalaGirl]

You don't have to apologize. It's just things to think about, you don't have to answer them here.

Right now my wife is my only support person. I have started to work on talking with people within the poly community but dont have friends or family who I feel comfortable talking to about this.

Make an effort to build up your support system.

Because you need people in life to be there for the joys and for the concerns. And in the event this ends in a divorce (which I hope not!)... to help you with that too.

Sometimes newbies think "Oh, if it doesn't work C and D we will just go back to established couple like we originally were (like A+B). They don't think like maybe A B C and D all end up single. Or some other unexpected combo.

For a long time my wife says she didnt care about herself (which is true) and she thinks that with her happiness now that she is caring for herself and doesnt want to revert back, she feels like she was "living in a dream" and not caring about life.

Was she dealing in untreated depression?

The whole conversation with another man started because I felt I wasn't getting the attention and love/support I needed at home. Turns out she felt the same way and we have both communicated about it since.

I'm glad you are communicating more. It sounds like neither one was really participating in the marriage relationship.

She felt it was a solution so I could be with a man and her but she wanted it to be "fair".

You know this isn't cookies right? Like one for you and one for me? This is being in RIGHT RELATIONSHIP with people. And sometimes I've seen disinterested people trying to use the "poly bandaid" to help "spice up the marriage" rather than working on themselves and their shared relationship rather than looking to outside people to come fix it.

Or like a "soft exit" to line up the new person before dumping the old spouse.

So be careful you are not doing that here.

I told her about this and the book stated it's best to work through that first but she is confident we can do both.

SHE is confident does not mean YOU are also confident. Be super honest with her. Don't just go along with stuff, ok?

I will say our communication had gone through the roof. Our main issue was lack of communication

.

Well, keep working on that.

She gave an ultimatum to either cut things off completely with him and we would do couples counseling or I could pursue a relationship with him but open our marriage.

Giving a spouse ultimatums -- do you think that is ok and in keeping with being in right relationship with them?

I am, I'm not set on it, sort of feel "forced" into it but I'm not completely opposed to the idea if things can flow a little better.

Sounds like you aren't opposed to Open Marriage, but you don't want to enter it all wackadoo. Where your wife is just dumping in. Have you guys talked about this?

It is hard to see her so into a relationship so quickly. The wife of the man she is seeing has also asked for a pullback so I know I'm not alone in this.

And that is another thing that would be easier if it was one hard. Watching an partner be all NRE lalala and maybe hitting poly hell stuff.

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell


Because any one of those things is a big load by itself, much less all piled up together.

Figure out your stress loads and which ones can be spread out more or reduced some.

We have discussed and agreed to see a counselor at the start of the new year. Both individually and together.

I think that's a good plan. Slow some of this down. Be a bit more prepared.


Thank you again, sorry if I shouldn't respond but talking things out is huge for me.

Again... You don't have to apologize. It's just things to think about, you don't have to answer them here. If you need to talk things out, and want to do some of that here it is fine. That's what forums are for. People talk about stuff.

GL!
Galagirl

 

[JHolt]

Thank you for your responses so far. I have joined a poly meetup group where I live and have continued reading. I appreciate everyone's understanding.

Not just "going with the flow" is going to be new for me as I'm quite laid back and have been comfortable for 12 years. I have realized that I need to ensure this is something I want, especially since my decision no longer just effects me/my wife. The communication is still going well and she has been very helpful and she and her partner have been working on a pull back. I did meet him and while it stirred up a lot of uneasy feelings I do think she chose a good human being, so for that I am grateful and happy for her.

Seeing these responses and thinking of many posed questions has helped. My dark days aren't as dark or as long as initially but they can still be tough. I think once things take off with my man that will help as well. Do people often choose like a "sponsor" to consult or does a group/community tend to work better?

 

[kdt26417]

You can choose a sponsor on this site via private messaging. Or you can continue to post on this thread. Either way (or both) works well, just see what works best for you. The group/community approach has the advantage of giving you multiple points of view. The sponsor approach has the advantage of extra privacy, in case that's something you need. Either way or both, just do whichever works best for you.

It sounds like things are a little better for you now; that's good to hear.

 

[Magdlyn]

Thank you for your responses so far. I have joined a poly meetup group where I live, and have continued reading. I appreciate everyone's understanding.

Not just "going with the flow" is going to be new for me, as I'm quite laid back and have been comfortable for 12 years.

Going with the flow, and being "comfortable" haven't worked too well, as your marriage was/is in trouble. It sounds like going with the flow meant taking your wife for granted, as one might take one's leg for granted. Only when you were in danger of losing that leg, did you realize it needed work.

I think the MFM threeways were a nice try at broadening your sexual expression. However, you got too "in your head" (because it wasn't an easy "go with the flow" thing), and you were "unable to perform," meaning, I assume, get or maintain an erection. Or maybe you just found sex with a dude to be weird and offputting after all.

Meanwhile, you weren't emotionally intimate with your wife either. But maybe since you were "going with the flow," and she was "living in a dream," you were/are able to "perform" sexually, so things seemed "OK" in a "I am a normal man able to fuck my wife" sort of way.

However, something is/was missing. You (secretly?) started an online emotional affair with a guy. There's been no "performing" yet, ha

It seems maybe your new "bf" was also cheating on his wife? Both your wives learned about the beginnings of the affair, even though you haven't even met the guy in person yet. And your wife, specifically, seems to want you to be able to "perform" with men, so she's all, "go for it." And meanwhile, "I am gonna go for it too." She found a guy who IS able to date ethically, and is having fun exciting new relationship dates (maybe already having sex too).

I have realized that I need to ensure this is something I want, especially since my decision no longer just effects me/my wife.

Any kind of Open relationship is never just about your and your wife. That is "couple-centric" thinking. It's tempting to think of others you choose to date as just bodies, tools to spice up the culture sanctioned marital relationship. But this is, of course, completely untrue. Anyone else you date is a real human being worthy of respect and consideration. The needs of the married couple do not trump the needs of the "side piece."

The communication is still going well, and she has been very helpful, and she and her partner have been working on pulling back. I did meet him, and while it stirred up a lot of uneasy feelings, I do think she chose a good human being, so for that I am grateful and happy for her.

Maybe you were worried she'd be hurt, but you feel reassured now. However, she may still get hurt. You're hurting, your potential bf is hurting, everyone is pulling back a bit.

Seeing these responses and thinking of many posed questions has helped. My dark days aren't as dark or as long as initially but they can still be tough. I think once things take off with my man that will help as well. Do people often choose like a "sponsor" to consult or does a group/community tend to work better?

Just a dating tip: try not to think about him as "my man" just yet. Our Guidelines suggest you choose a nickname for all the other players in your scenario. So, refer to him as Bob, or whatever, to make it clear to us who you are talking about. Calling a person "my" something is unwise, when you haven't even met yet.

I think the huge majority of newbies here just post on threads. You can ask questions and vent on this thread. You can search old posts or current other posts that you think might be relevant to your issues. You can start a blog in our journal section, which is a place for you to write out your thoughts more on your own, only getting feedback if you ask for it.

You can also start new threads if you have a completely different topic to address.

I generally don't PM here much anymore. But it is good for issues you find to be very sensitive or embarrassing or whatever, if you find a kindred spirit here who seems helpful and trustworthy and can relate to you.