Hello to all;
This is my first, and probably only, thread on this site. It details my experience in being involved with a woman whom I had just started a full relationship with, who out of nowhere announced to me she was now Polyamorous and was taking a new lover. It's over a year since that relationship ended and at the time I tried, in a cathartic approach, to air it on r/poly on Reddit. I was as much, if not more, ridiculed over my experience as I received support. I still, to this day, have trouble with the relationship and how the term Polyamory was used by my ex-GF. Please note that I am not dissing Polyamory as I am sure it works for many people. Please just listen to my experience with balance. That's all I ask. Locales have been changed to prevent identification.
I used to work in the events industry and travelled a fair bit. Around ten years ago, my colleagues and I were introduced to a friend of an events organiser in Austria. She was a tall, skinny girl with high cheekbones and a flat top and we had an enjoyable night with her and her friends. Over the years we would meet up and then she began to fall in love with the Ireland, where I am from, and gained seasonal work there in the tourist industry. On here free time, we'd meet up and exchange news, nothing more.
I had, however, known that she had a 'thing' for me and I knew she was promiscuous as she always talked about men, boyfriends, and lovers she had whilst with boyfriends. I became a shoulder to cry on when she had man trouble. Then, one day last Summer, after a meeting, she texted me asking to spend a weekend with her. I was in the process of coming out of an abusive relationship and the thought of close, sexual contact with this female friend appealed to me and we set a date. After that first sexual encounter we had many more that Summer and we would often go out on the town together. Something seemed to be developing between us and that November she invited me over to her flat in Salzburg. One night, when out for Dinner in a restaurant, she asked me to be her partner. I'd had previously intimated at one point that I would have liked her to be my girl but, even so, I was a bit stunned at her asking. I presumed that she had given this some serious thought, given our distance apart, so I agreed to give it a go.
Fast forward four months to March, 2020. I was visiting her just as COVID19 exploded in Europe and was lucky to get back home. She then lost her job and applied to be a supermarket assistant. Then she suddenly changed. Silences appeared; the sexy pix, vids and texts suddenly stopped. I began to be concerned. Then, one night during a tearful conversation with her, I was told that she was lonely, that she had 'so much love to give and receive’, that she needed bodily contact. The red flags started to go up. Eventually, I said to her did she want to forget us and look for a man over in Salzburg. Then it came out: there already was a man in Salzburg, a colleague at the supermarket! She then admitted to have been flirting with him for a few weeks, that he gave her 'butterflies' in her tummy, and only when the texts became sexual did she tell him about me. I exploded in rage. A few months ago she wants me as a partner and now this??
Next thing I know is that she's outed herself as Polyamorous on social media. I was told that she was going to pursue a relationship with this man but she still wanted me in her life. At no time had I been consulted about any of this; I was just told that it was happening! Massive arguments ensued. I was told it was my fault, that I didn't appear to be going 'all in' in the relationship; that she had not time to 'puddle around' learning about someone. That she didn’t want to be on a ‘relationship escalator {!!!!} Kinda strange, given she'd known me for ten years and intimately for nine months and understood we lived 500+ miles apart! Eventually, an agreement was reached. I decided to still be involved with her but only if I remained as her 'main partner’. She welcomed this and she suggested we set out rules. This we did, and they included a 'fluid bond' between her and I. These rules were agreed by both her and the Salzburg boyfriend. A few days after this, on the first night they were going to have sex, they broke the fluid bond. I woke to a text from her saying she broke the bond and that she was 'in love' I immediately dumped her.
Then she wanted me to stay! And like a fool, I did! For I had by then fallen for her.
But all other agreements, like me being important, keeping in contact with me, just petered away. I had booked two visits to see her in July and August. July seemed to go well, even though I knew deep down it wasn't. One night after dinner she suddenly wanted to go meet some friends and I was cool with that. On the way to the bar, she said she badly needed to pee and would she mind if she ran on ahead? No worries, I said. When I got to the bar, some 5 minutes later, she was still in the toilet and did not emerge for another ten minutes, creating an embarrassing situation with some friends of hers whom I had never even met!. I knew fine well what was going on in that single toilet booth. Later that night we had a blazing argument about it but we agreed to park it and enjoy our time together, as much as we could.
Back home in Ireland again, I was all but ignored, and when I visited her again in August she burst into tears in bed on morning of the second day I was there and ended our relationship. I was dumbstruck! I couldn't get a flight back out as there were none scheduled to the UK for a few days, due to COVID, so I had to stay with her. She reluctantly had sex with me several times during that period but it wasn't the same; the emotion was gone. She then began criticising my physique one day when we were out and in my despair and shame I wondered how a girl who not long ago told me she worshipped me and looked up to me could treat me in such a disparaging and cruel manner.
I continued to fight for her, saying that I felt we weren't over. I was hoping for the relationship with this guy to falter but then suddenly he was moving in with her, despite her saying this would never happen. She told me she still felt something for me and that we'd have a relationship again the following year, pandemic permitting. This was eventually put on hold as she said she wasn't coming back over to Ireland. I was then told she was building a life with this guy. This was no longer my concern but I asked if she still considered herself polyamorous. 'Yes', she said,'And I always will be!' 'So, will you spend a weekend with me if I come over next Spring, and make that our farewell, given how badly we had parted?' I asked. To this she agreed. But as the months went on she began to step back from this. It culminated in an argument in which she said she couldn't guarantee sleeping with me again, that she might find the encounter 'weird'. 'Things change!' she said, 'I have changed!'
I was devastated by this. I'd been strung along by someone who told me they were polyamorous yet were behaving anything but. It destroyed my confidence with women and 14 months later it still hurts so much to think about it. About what a supposed friend could do to another. I no longer hear from her (she is blocked) but I know she has pursued no further polyamorous relationships since we split up last year. I think, as do my friends who knew her, that I was gaslit on a massive scale. Why do that to someone? Why not just tell them it wasn't working and we could call it a day without animosity? Why drag me along like that?
This is the abridged version. Trust me, a lot worse happened but it would take pages to set out and you guys don't need to hear it all.
This is my first, and probably only, thread on this site. It details my experience in being involved with a woman whom I had just started a full relationship with, who out of nowhere announced to me she was now Polyamorous and was taking a new lover. It's over a year since that relationship ended and at the time I tried, in a cathartic approach, to air it on r/poly on Reddit. I was as much, if not more, ridiculed over my experience as I received support. I still, to this day, have trouble with the relationship and how the term Polyamory was used by my ex-GF. Please note that I am not dissing Polyamory as I am sure it works for many people. Please just listen to my experience with balance. That's all I ask. Locales have been changed to prevent identification.
I used to work in the events industry and travelled a fair bit. Around ten years ago, my colleagues and I were introduced to a friend of an events organiser in Austria. She was a tall, skinny girl with high cheekbones and a flat top and we had an enjoyable night with her and her friends. Over the years we would meet up and then she began to fall in love with the Ireland, where I am from, and gained seasonal work there in the tourist industry. On here free time, we'd meet up and exchange news, nothing more.
I had, however, known that she had a 'thing' for me and I knew she was promiscuous as she always talked about men, boyfriends, and lovers she had whilst with boyfriends. I became a shoulder to cry on when she had man trouble. Then, one day last Summer, after a meeting, she texted me asking to spend a weekend with her. I was in the process of coming out of an abusive relationship and the thought of close, sexual contact with this female friend appealed to me and we set a date. After that first sexual encounter we had many more that Summer and we would often go out on the town together. Something seemed to be developing between us and that November she invited me over to her flat in Salzburg. One night, when out for Dinner in a restaurant, she asked me to be her partner. I'd had previously intimated at one point that I would have liked her to be my girl but, even so, I was a bit stunned at her asking. I presumed that she had given this some serious thought, given our distance apart, so I agreed to give it a go.
Fast forward four months to March, 2020. I was visiting her just as COVID19 exploded in Europe and was lucky to get back home. She then lost her job and applied to be a supermarket assistant. Then she suddenly changed. Silences appeared; the sexy pix, vids and texts suddenly stopped. I began to be concerned. Then, one night during a tearful conversation with her, I was told that she was lonely, that she had 'so much love to give and receive’, that she needed bodily contact. The red flags started to go up. Eventually, I said to her did she want to forget us and look for a man over in Salzburg. Then it came out: there already was a man in Salzburg, a colleague at the supermarket! She then admitted to have been flirting with him for a few weeks, that he gave her 'butterflies' in her tummy, and only when the texts became sexual did she tell him about me. I exploded in rage. A few months ago she wants me as a partner and now this??
Next thing I know is that she's outed herself as Polyamorous on social media. I was told that she was going to pursue a relationship with this man but she still wanted me in her life. At no time had I been consulted about any of this; I was just told that it was happening! Massive arguments ensued. I was told it was my fault, that I didn't appear to be going 'all in' in the relationship; that she had not time to 'puddle around' learning about someone. That she didn’t want to be on a ‘relationship escalator {!!!!} Kinda strange, given she'd known me for ten years and intimately for nine months and understood we lived 500+ miles apart! Eventually, an agreement was reached. I decided to still be involved with her but only if I remained as her 'main partner’. She welcomed this and she suggested we set out rules. This we did, and they included a 'fluid bond' between her and I. These rules were agreed by both her and the Salzburg boyfriend. A few days after this, on the first night they were going to have sex, they broke the fluid bond. I woke to a text from her saying she broke the bond and that she was 'in love' I immediately dumped her.
Then she wanted me to stay! And like a fool, I did! For I had by then fallen for her.
But all other agreements, like me being important, keeping in contact with me, just petered away. I had booked two visits to see her in July and August. July seemed to go well, even though I knew deep down it wasn't. One night after dinner she suddenly wanted to go meet some friends and I was cool with that. On the way to the bar, she said she badly needed to pee and would she mind if she ran on ahead? No worries, I said. When I got to the bar, some 5 minutes later, she was still in the toilet and did not emerge for another ten minutes, creating an embarrassing situation with some friends of hers whom I had never even met!. I knew fine well what was going on in that single toilet booth. Later that night we had a blazing argument about it but we agreed to park it and enjoy our time together, as much as we could.
Back home in Ireland again, I was all but ignored, and when I visited her again in August she burst into tears in bed on morning of the second day I was there and ended our relationship. I was dumbstruck! I couldn't get a flight back out as there were none scheduled to the UK for a few days, due to COVID, so I had to stay with her. She reluctantly had sex with me several times during that period but it wasn't the same; the emotion was gone. She then began criticising my physique one day when we were out and in my despair and shame I wondered how a girl who not long ago told me she worshipped me and looked up to me could treat me in such a disparaging and cruel manner.
I continued to fight for her, saying that I felt we weren't over. I was hoping for the relationship with this guy to falter but then suddenly he was moving in with her, despite her saying this would never happen. She told me she still felt something for me and that we'd have a relationship again the following year, pandemic permitting. This was eventually put on hold as she said she wasn't coming back over to Ireland. I was then told she was building a life with this guy. This was no longer my concern but I asked if she still considered herself polyamorous. 'Yes', she said,'And I always will be!' 'So, will you spend a weekend with me if I come over next Spring, and make that our farewell, given how badly we had parted?' I asked. To this she agreed. But as the months went on she began to step back from this. It culminated in an argument in which she said she couldn't guarantee sleeping with me again, that she might find the encounter 'weird'. 'Things change!' she said, 'I have changed!'
I was devastated by this. I'd been strung along by someone who told me they were polyamorous yet were behaving anything but. It destroyed my confidence with women and 14 months later it still hurts so much to think about it. About what a supposed friend could do to another. I no longer hear from her (she is blocked) but I know she has pursued no further polyamorous relationships since we split up last year. I think, as do my friends who knew her, that I was gaslit on a massive scale. Why do that to someone? Why not just tell them it wasn't working and we could call it a day without animosity? Why drag me along like that?
This is the abridged version. Trust me, a lot worse happened but it would take pages to set out and you guys don't need to hear it all.
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