Is the word "polyamory" unhelpfully ambiguous or vague?

River

River

Well-known member
The fact remains (or seems) that the word "polyamory" suggests a socio-cultural-political Big Tent which sketches a very (very!) wide spectrum. The particular spectrum which I have in mind here (though many other spectra also apply) is the one with the word "sex" at one end and the word "love" at the other.

Polyamory is generally defined as a form of ethical and consensual non-monogamy. But non-monogamy can either include or disclude "love" (as defined by the ancient Greeks [etc.] in many differing kinds, etc.) -- however defined. Which is the fundamental operative term in the -amory part of polyamory? -- sexual desire and passion ... or ... well, love.

If polyamory were to have a common cultural sense, or meaning, polyamorists will probably need to take a stand for one of these terms being foreground and the other being more background -- at least as it seems to me.

I want to argue (sweetly and tenderly) for love, not sex, as being the key feature at stake in polyamory. And it isn't because I have a problem with crotch energy! I don't! But if you were to read my poetry you'd see that I experience my crotch as an extension of my heart. LOL. https://theswallowtail.substack.com/s/poetry

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The reason this conversation is important is that in the contemporary scene the ethics and ethos of "love" and of "sex" are fundamentally structured differently, and as if the two were fully separate topics.
 
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I think the -amory part of polyamory denotes romantic (not platonic) love. Doesn't have to be sexual, but does have to be romantic. Well, that's my viewpoint, anyway.

It would be hard to coin a word of which everyone agreed on the definition. And polyamorists are infamous for arguing about semantics.
 
River said:
The fact remains (or seems) that the word "polyamory" suggests a socio-cultural-political Big Tent which sketches a very (very!) wide spectrum. The particular spectrum which I have in mind here (though many other spectra also apply) is the one with the word "sex" at one end and the word "love" at the other.

Polyamory is generally defined as a form of ethical and consensual non-monogamy. But non-monogamy can either include or disclude "love" (as defined by the ancient Greeks [etc.] in many differing kinds, etc.) -- however defined. Which is the fundamental operative term in the -amory part of polyamory? -- sexual desire and passion ... or ... well, love.

If polyamory were to have a common cultural sense, or meaning, polyamorists will probably need to take a stand for one of these terms being foreground and the other being more background -- at least as it seems to me.

I want to argue (sweetly and tenderly) for love, not sex, as being the key feature at stake in polyamory. And it isn't because I have a problem with crotch energy! I don't! But if you were to read my poetry you'd see that I experience my crotch as an extension of my heart. LOL. https://theswallowtail.substack.com/s/poetry

*******

The reason this conversation is important is that in the contemporary scene the ethics and ethos of "love" and of "sex" are fundamentally structured differently, and as if the two were fully separate topics.
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Meaning of polyamory in English: the practice of having sexual or romantic relationships with two or more people at the same time:
the ethical or consensual element of non-monogamy doesn't play a part in my understanding of the definition.
the Ethical and consensual aspect comes into play in how you want to relate with all parties - i.e. as a bad person, no-one has to know your lifestyle choices and you don't have to tell partners etc
 
I think the word itself is pretty unmistakable that love is the focus.

The path to love in this day and age is often attraction >>> physical intimacy (including sex) >>> affection and non physical intimacy >>> love. So having sex early in the progression makes it seem like polyamory is an extension of polyfuckery. Ergo the unicorn hunting, especially.
 
Meaning of polyamory in English: the practice of having sexual or romantic relationships with two or more people at the same time:
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Please cite your source. There are a lot of different resources out there and it would be interesting to get a collection of the current definitions with author and date of publication.
 
Consent has always been a part of our definition here at polyamory.com. Otherwise you could call cheating polyamory, if it's just having multiple sexual or romantic partners, which it has never been.
 
Evie said:
Consent has always been a part of our definition here at polyamory.com. Otherwise you could call cheating polyamory, if it's just having multiple sexual or romantic partners, which it has never been.
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Of course informed consent would be a requirement. Otherwise it would be coercion or outright rape.

Having multiple sexual partners (without love) is swinging or just fucking around.
 
The consent I was meaning here was the consent of all partners to be in more than a traditional couple.
 
I think by changing the order it is written would help.

The definition could be: "many loves" as the foreground (poly) (amory); for "consensual" romantic relationships with more than one partner, with the consent of all partners.

I think this enables a logical and sequential process for understanding the dynamics at play, which doesn't exclude any form from a cultural sense.
 
I don't agree with the romantic definition. What about aromantics? Who defines love?

I think intimate relationships is more encompassing.

Also, I think who is "just fucking around" needs to be determined by the individual. Only they can say if they are open to more than sex and what that "more" looks like. Most of the time I see someone speculating that a person is "just fucking around", its based on the fact they wouldn't give them the commitment they wanted on the timeline they wanted. It isn't because the person has said they aren't interested in falling in love (again).
 
Maybe the word "love" is the unhelpfully ambiguous or vague one, lol.

But with the ever evolving understandings of how adults want to relate to each other, any attempt to define it will eventually be met with some outlier wanting in.

Intimacy is a word I like, i have intimate relationships with my partners. But intimacy in polyamory, for me, includes at least some form of physical affection. I have intellectual intimacy and emotional intimacy with friends. I cry on them and they on me, and we exchange ideas and our ever evolving views of the world as we continue to learn. We share our joys, and our heartbreaks. But I don't share my body or sexual energy with them. As a sexual person, that expression - physical and energetic - is very much tied into my expression of polyamory.

I can do a bit of fucking around too, if I want...I can have sexual and intellectual intimacy without falling in love with someone. That's the emotional part.

To be the kind of love I have with partners, I need the overlapping venn diagram. There, in the centre, are the people I call partners and with whom I am polyamorous.
 
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Evie said:
Maybe the word "love" is the unhelpfully ambiguous or vague one, lol.

But with the ever evolving understandings of how adults want to relate to each other, any attempt to define it will eventually be met with some outlier wanting in.

Intimacy is a word I like, i have intimate relationships with my partners. But intimacy in polyamory, for me, includes at least some form of physical affection. I have intellectual intimacy and emotional intimacy with friends. I cry on them and they on me, and we exchange ideas and our ever evolving views of the world as we continue to learn. We share our joys, and our heartbreaks. But I don't share my body or sexual energy with them. As a sexual person, that expression - physical and energetic - is very much tied into my expression of polyamory.

I can do a bit of fucking around too, if I want...I can have sexual and intellectual intimacy without falling in love with someone. That's the emotional part.

To be the kind of love I have with partners, I need the overlapping venn diagram. There, in the centre, are the people I call partners and with whom I am polyamorous.
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Generally, you seem to work the same as me. My shift in thinking about polyamory as a whole came when I met more asexual and aromantic people who were polyamorous but felt that the way we defined polyamory as a community excluded them. You see, their idea of partnership might only include the emotional and intellectual intimacy you mentioned. Affection too. Differing degrees of physical intimacy.

I had to do 2 things. I had to understand that my compatibility with aromantic and asexual people as partners is limited. I also had to adjust my definition of polyamory to include them. Intimacy seemed to be the common theme along with consent/knowledge of everyone involved.
 
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Polyamory means love more than one.

Loving has requirements for me so in order for me to love more than one, there is criteria to hit
  • The actual feeling (I dont love many people)
  • Sex
  • Intimacy
  • Romance
  • Commitment of some kind
Without all of those things, I do not fall in love. If I have the 2 middle pieces and no commitment, FWB.

I can draw a distinct line for platonic love and REFUSE to include friends in my collection of loves. Its entirely different to me.
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
I had to do 2 things. I had to understand that my compatibility with aromantic and asexual people as partners is limited. I also had to adjust my definition of polyamory to include them. Intimacy seemed to be the common theme along with consent/knowledge of everyone involved.
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This 100%.
 
What happens if a "new" demographic arises, namely the polyamorous aintimates?
 
So, given polyamory is an unholy marriage of Latin and Greek, and Polyphilia, as per the popular podcast, seems to encompass the queer platonic set, then perhaps I should start saying I practice polyeros.
 
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