Is this normal for me and my fiance?

[selinamenopea]

Hi. I'm 22F and my fiance is 23M. We've been in a relationship for 4 years now and been engaged for a year. We're in a healthy and happy relationship and we know how to navigate each other. But recently, I mean, in the last few weeks, we've both been fantasizing about introducing another girl to our sex life.

I am straight, or at least I think I am, but wouldn't mind fooling around or having sex with another girl. My fiance is also straight. We would introduce her to our sex life only.

I do feel like this is a very sensitive topic for me, and my fiance is aware of it, because the line is very fine. We have always been very possessive over each other and we still are. We talk about him having sex with another girl, which I would allow as long as there is no attachment or feelings from either side (but mostly from him). We wouldn't mind if it were a different girl each time, because there would be no feelings attached.

He would never allow me to have sex with another man though, which I like, nor do I want to.

My fiance has communicated that he loves that I'm allowing this, and honestly, I love it too. I'm happy that we're being transparent and I'm happy that I'm confident in his love for me. He's told me that he loves that I allow him to express his sexual attraction towards other girls, but also understanding that he only loves and wants me.

We watch porn together (we dont ever watch it alone) and I ask him about what he likes and dislikes and he tells me. The girls that he's attracted to appear to be very similar to me in their appearance, which I admire and find attractive.

We have also talked about actively seeking out another girl, which neither of us would mind doing. However, I don't want him to have intercourse with another girl before we get married. We are both virgins, to an extent. Anything we have done has been within our relationship. I want the both of us to spend our first time together (which he doesn't care much for, but respects me).

We are really in love right now, although we have just gotten over a rough patch. But I am confident that we are in a great place in our relationship.

I am just unsure of whether this is normal to feel or to do. How would we approach this if we went through with it? Would we fall apart if this happened? Would this lead to cheating?

Could I also have some general advice, please?

 

[GalaGirl]

Gently... I think you could rethink these points, especially since you both started as teens, have been each other's first and onlies to date, and feel possessive of each other.

• we talk about him having sex with another girl, which I would allow, as long as there is no attachment or feelings from either side

What happens if feelings DO happen? Then what?

• He would never allow me to have sex with another man.

Why is that? It could be open on both sides to any gender you are attracted to, but you wouldn't exercise the option because YOU don't want to use it, not because the option isn't there. Right now, you like him being possessive of you like that, but what if later you change your mind? Isn't it easier for it to be open on both sides from the start?

• We watch porn together. (We never watch it alone.)

Why not? And what else don't you do alone? Is that a good thing -- never doing these things alone?

• I don't want him to have intercourse with another girl before we get married. We are both virgins. to an extent. Anything we have done has been within our relationship. I want the both of us to spend our first time together (which he doesn't care much for, but respects me).

Provided you are using safer sex practices, why not share sex with him before you are married? Sexual incompatibility/lack of intimacy is one of the reasons people get divorced. Maybe you want to know ahead of time if you two are sexually compatible.

Why not share sex/date other people before marriage? If things go wrong, it's a lot easier to break up and walk away if you also don't have to deal with a legal divorce.

• I'm just unsure of whether this is normal to feel or to do.

What you are feeling is normal for the age and stage you are at. But that doesn't mean you two are ready to experiment with open relationships.

You are wanting it to be "sex only," which is not realistic, because people who share sex DO sometimes develop feelings. This is a polyamory board. "Polyamory" means "many loves," so people who practice polyamory are okay with both love and sex being shared with another partner.

Lastly... why this threesome idea? Wouldn't it be better/easier for each of you to date separately, and share casual sex on your own, rather than in a group? Group sex is not a requirement in polyamory or open relationship. It's a thing of its own.

While you think it will go a certain way, it takes practice to learn to do group sex well. You might end up with hurt feelings if you witness BF and Lady enjoying each other a little too much, or you not getting enough attention from either during the encounter. Or one of them might end up with hurt feelings. Or Lady might feel like "the couple" is doing a lot of "couple privilege" stuff, and treating her poorly as a result.

So I urge you to educate yourself, and take longer in thinking about dating other people, especially since it sounds like you've only dated each other so far.

I know it might be unthinkable right now, but what happens if you experiment with others and figure out you like the other person more than this BF? Or he figures out he likes the other person more than you? Then what?

Talk about how this ends -- both ending well, and what that might look like.
A successful "one and done."
Or ending unexpectedly -- changing to polyamory even though you started with wanting to be open only to casual sex.
Or you two broken up and paired off with different people.
Or with everyone broken up, and all single again.
Or someone agreeing to break up, but then not really doing it, and cheating on agreements.
Or cheating in some other way.

You don't want to be caught by surprise or off-guard if it doesn't go how you imagined.

Tread with caution if you are going to experiment.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings selinamenopea,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

What you're going through is perfectly normal, lots of people want to add a third to their relationship. You just want to do it in such a way as that he won't have feelings for the other girl, this is also very common. Other people are doing it, so you should do it too.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

 

[Magdlyn]

I second everything Galagirl said.

I will add:

The "rules" you two have agreed to seem fine and fun in fantasy, but are unworkable in real life.

You can't "allow" your fiance to do this or that, nor does he have the right to allow or not allow you to do this or that. You are not an authority over him and he is not your owner either. You two are equals. What you can do is negotiate agreements, consent to them, and then renegotiate agreements as needed.

Please don't start contacting single women to be your unicorn yet. Please read the sticky at the top of this forum called "master articles" and read every article, and buy or borrow the books, and listen to the podcast. That way you can learn from other's mistakes.

 

[Juan234]

Selinamenopea,

Please excuse me beforehand for being skeptical, but can you provide more details on what being a virgin to an extent means, and why you think one-sided polyamory would work but only once you are married?