silencebreaking
New member
When I first met my partner Troop just over two months ago, I knew that he had three other partners in his life. One of them, Maly, had been in Troop's life for a bit over a year, and he was a secondary partner to her. She's in her late 20's or early 30's, a full-time student, works part time, and has a primary that she lives with (Vic). Her primary also has a secondary in his life (Ria).
Shortly after Troop and I started seeing each other, I attended a local poly group meeting with him where I met Maly and Vic. We hit it off, and spent a good portion of the evening talking about anything and everything (as we were the only four that were at this particular meeting...). A week or so later was a local slosh event, which Troop and I attended together. Maly was also there. Troop sat between us, and we had a good time talking together, enough so that Maly told me to send her a friend request. When Maly left, Troop walked her to her car to say good night.
Shortly after Maly left, Troop started receiving messages from Ria that really seemed to be out of line, saying that he was a bad boyfriend, calling him a despicable excuse for a human being, and just being really nasty in general. Maly texted to tell him that she wanted to talk to him when he got home. About 30 minutes after I dropped him off, he texted to tell me that Maly had ended their relationship. Troop has said that it wasn't because of his involvement with me, that it was because she has a lot going on in her life and he isn't able to be there for her the way that she wants him to be (not willing to cancel long-standing plans with friends to go be with her, not willing to drive to see her on a frequent basis {they live almost an hour apart, and he would go see her - but not as frequently as she had recently started wanting}). That said, I can't help feeling that the split is related to our starting to date, mainly due to the timing of things, particularly after the poly group meeting that occurred this evening.
We arrived tonight, only to find that the only people in attendance were Maly, her primary (Vic), and his secondary (Ria). Every time I tried to contribute to the conversation, I was talked over or my ideas/suggestions were shot down (Maly and Ria were planning Maly's graduation party, as she'll be graduating college in May). I knew from conversations with Troop, and with Maly when we first met, that Maly has a gluten sensitivity. While I'm not gluten sensitive, I do have multiple food allergies that require me to carry an epi pen (which Maly was aware of, as we talked a fair amount about issues with dining out when we met - heck, when Vic mentioned ordering pizza for the meeting, Maly said no because "Silence can't have it, and neither can I"). I didn't even have a chance to fully share my bakery suggestion before Ria shot it down, talking about cross contamination and speaking to me as though I was too stupid to understand such a thing. I know it doesn't come across in the written word, but there was so much condescension in the way Ria spoke to me that I was ready to leave around 30 minutes after we arrived.
It felt as though Maly and Ria made a point of excluding me from the conversation, and while Vic tried to include me, there was only so much that he could do. And Troop was pretty much completely excluded from the conversation with Maly and Ria, except when Maly wanted to bring up something from when they were dating (family meeting type things). It was very much an "us girls against the interloper/relationship wrecker" vibe.
When I told one of my friends about it this evening, she said that what I experienced tonight is typical from her experience, and part of the reason why she doesn't do poly any longer. She said it was too much drama to deal with.
Is this really typical of poly relationships/breakups? This is my first experience with poly, so I have no idea what to expect. I knew tonight would be awkward, but I didn't expect to feel so unwelcome.
Shortly after Troop and I started seeing each other, I attended a local poly group meeting with him where I met Maly and Vic. We hit it off, and spent a good portion of the evening talking about anything and everything (as we were the only four that were at this particular meeting...). A week or so later was a local slosh event, which Troop and I attended together. Maly was also there. Troop sat between us, and we had a good time talking together, enough so that Maly told me to send her a friend request. When Maly left, Troop walked her to her car to say good night.
Shortly after Maly left, Troop started receiving messages from Ria that really seemed to be out of line, saying that he was a bad boyfriend, calling him a despicable excuse for a human being, and just being really nasty in general. Maly texted to tell him that she wanted to talk to him when he got home. About 30 minutes after I dropped him off, he texted to tell me that Maly had ended their relationship. Troop has said that it wasn't because of his involvement with me, that it was because she has a lot going on in her life and he isn't able to be there for her the way that she wants him to be (not willing to cancel long-standing plans with friends to go be with her, not willing to drive to see her on a frequent basis {they live almost an hour apart, and he would go see her - but not as frequently as she had recently started wanting}). That said, I can't help feeling that the split is related to our starting to date, mainly due to the timing of things, particularly after the poly group meeting that occurred this evening.
We arrived tonight, only to find that the only people in attendance were Maly, her primary (Vic), and his secondary (Ria). Every time I tried to contribute to the conversation, I was talked over or my ideas/suggestions were shot down (Maly and Ria were planning Maly's graduation party, as she'll be graduating college in May). I knew from conversations with Troop, and with Maly when we first met, that Maly has a gluten sensitivity. While I'm not gluten sensitive, I do have multiple food allergies that require me to carry an epi pen (which Maly was aware of, as we talked a fair amount about issues with dining out when we met - heck, when Vic mentioned ordering pizza for the meeting, Maly said no because "Silence can't have it, and neither can I"). I didn't even have a chance to fully share my bakery suggestion before Ria shot it down, talking about cross contamination and speaking to me as though I was too stupid to understand such a thing. I know it doesn't come across in the written word, but there was so much condescension in the way Ria spoke to me that I was ready to leave around 30 minutes after we arrived.
It felt as though Maly and Ria made a point of excluding me from the conversation, and while Vic tried to include me, there was only so much that he could do. And Troop was pretty much completely excluded from the conversation with Maly and Ria, except when Maly wanted to bring up something from when they were dating (family meeting type things). It was very much an "us girls against the interloper/relationship wrecker" vibe.
When I told one of my friends about it this evening, she said that what I experienced tonight is typical from her experience, and part of the reason why she doesn't do poly any longer. She said it was too much drama to deal with.
Is this really typical of poly relationships/breakups? This is my first experience with poly, so I have no idea what to expect. I knew tonight would be awkward, but I didn't expect to feel so unwelcome.
However, maybe in a year or so, you'll be in Ria and Maly's boat...