It finally happened

[glowinthedarkstars]

At a party, a girl I'd never seen before came up to me and P and started to make out with P. He graciously accepted, while I just stood there feeling extremely awkward, not knowing what to do. I didn't get any warm fuzzies. I thought it was kind of rude, actually, and felt a little upset.

Of course, we talked afterwards, and I made it clear that while he was free to make out with anyone, I'd appreciate it if he didn't do it two inches away from me. I explained to him if it were someone I'd met before, or he was in a relationship with, it would be likely I wouldn't feel so upset. I mean, they could have walked away, asked permission, or something. Needless to say, I survived the moment. P and I decided we needed to re-evaluate some boundaries. He told me they met a few days ago. He didn't mention this to me and I told him so. I felt better after that, but still spent the rest of the night worried I'd run into them making out by accident, which I knew would upset me.

When I told him I wanted to think things over, then that we should really talk about what is working and what isn't working for me, in terms of his behaviors, he got a sad look, and asked me, "Are you trying to tell me you don't want to be with me anymore?" I was shocked, as I hadn't meant that at all.

The next day he told me he loved me, something he says he can't even tell his parents. I wondered if he said this out of fear. But it was still nice to hear.

Would you tell someone you love them just to keep them from leaving?

 

[ImaginaryIllusion]

Would you tell someone you love them just to keep them from leaving?

Nope.

I wish I had more I could offer you on this. I've had a friend who asked me a similar question once when we were having a conflict...it surprised me to hear that because of a disagreement we had over...something relatively minor, that she thought that our friendship which had stood firm since Jr. High was all of a sudden ending. I was personally very concerned and a little hurt that she was willing to throw away our friendship like that.

Some people will say all kinds of things in desperation. However, if P has not been able to express those words to anyone...including his parents until now, I guess I'm curious why your first question would be to his motives? Is there another reason besides the timing that has cast this doubt in your mind?

 

[NeonKaos]

It sounds like your boyfriend doesn't know what "love" is.

What he did is not my idea of showing someone how much you love them. It was a way of saying "I'm going to do what I want and if you don't like it, you can leave" and trying to make it look like it was entirely your doing.

 

[redsirenn]

I agree with YGirl. I'm completely detached from your situation, but I think it was rude. I would have been hurt, too. That was a shock and to have to deal with it at a party made it super awkward.

And no, I wouldn't say I love someone just to stay with them, but I know people who will, or people who will say it and not know what it is. That was me once.

Keep you eyes wide open. Be smart while following your heart. Listen to your gut.

 

[CielDuMatin]

Lots of different things going on here.

First, this does sound a good lesson in understanding your own boundaries and comfort level with things. You can theorize all you want, but you can't be expected to know exactly how comfortable you are with something until you try it.

The next phase sounds almost as difficult - discussing it with your partner. Part of the communication that I expect with my partners is the ability to talk about something that makes one of us uncomfortable without it being a major drama moment. I wasn't there when you brought that up, of course, so can't know how you framed your request, but there should be a mechanism in place to have those chats where nobody feels like the world is going to come to an end.

Respecting each others boundaries is important - being clear in communicating them is just as important. Communication requires not only that someone be told something, but that they truly understand it too. Sometimes that second step is missed and the "Well, I told you" is thrown out. That also goes to comfort levels too - when someone new comes on the scene, that is the most likely time for envies and jealousies to arise, therefore I feel that it is the most critical time for going slowly and making sure that the person you love can deal with whatever negative feelings they may be having before proceeding.

Sometimes I find it's a good idea, when talking about comfort levels and boundaries, to throw up some hypothetical situations, to "test" where comfort levels and boundaries lie, so that each can know. Surprises are NOT good, both being put in a situation where your lover does something in front of you that makes you feel uncomfortable, but also when you do something that you think is perfectly ok, and you learn later that it made your partner feel horrible. So the more talking and working out that can be done in advance, the better, but allow for the "real world" example to take you by surprise, once in a while.

 

[glowinthedarkstars]

This does seem like a good lesson in understanding your own boundaries and comfort levels with things. You can theorize all you want, but you can't be expected to know exactly how comfortable you are with something until you try it.

This is very true, and I agree wholeheartedly. I read somewhere that it is unfair to "try" polyamorous relationships without knowing if they are right for you, because it puts your partner's heart on the line. I tried it out, and I am very happy, even though its challenge. P is still not 100% convinced it is right for me, though, I think. I know he doesn't like that he keeps meeting girls who are younger or who "don't know what they want." I was one of those girls who was uncertain too, but I am becoming more and more certain of what I'd like, and more importantly, I think, what I don't like.

I know I didn't like seeing that kiss. It wasn't jealousy, as much as it made me uncomfortable and feel lonely. When I saw him kiss a girl that I had gotten to know, I did not feel so lonely or hurt. I felt more lucky to be part of something so full of love. He says that even during those moments, my whole disposition changes. I suddenly seem less happy. I do notice this sometimes, but for the most part I do not. Mostly I think he is sort of self-absorbed sometimes, and thinks this is the case. I don't mean this in a bad way.

The next phase sounds almost as difficult-- discussing it with your partner. Part of the communication that I expect with my partners is the ability to talk about something that makes one of us uncomfortable without it being a major drama moment. I wasn't there when you brought that up, of course, so can't know how you framed your request, but there should be a mechanism in place to have those chats where nobody feels like the world is going to come to an end.

As I mentioned before, I love the fact that I can be so open and honest with P, that he encourages communication in a way I never had with my previous mono relationship. That said, in the beginning of the relationship, I felt almost as though he was testing me out, flirting with other girls in front of me, seeing that it made me feel uncomfortable in a way I wasn't used to, then saying "You look upset." Back then, my instinct was to say "I'm fine," I think maybe because I felt like I was being challenged in a way, or I was being defensive. I felt like he was stirring up my feelings, then blaming me for having them at all. I tend to over-analyze (as you can probably tell).

Respecting each others boundaries is important. Being clear in communicating them is just as important. Communication requires not only that someone be told something, but that they truly understand it, too. Sometimes that second step is missed and the "Well, I told you," is thrown out. That also goes to comfort levels too. When someone new comes on the scene, that is the most likely time for envy and jealousy to arise. Therefore, I think that it is the most critical time for going slowly and making sure that the person you love can deal with whatever negative feelings they may be having before proceeding.

I couldn't agree more. Thank you so much for explaining this in a way that makes sense.

I think it's a good idea, when talking about comfort levels and boundaries, to throw up some hypothetical situations, to "test" where comfort levels and boundaries lie, so that each can know. Surprises are NOT good-- both being put in a situation where your lover does something in front of you that makes you feel uncomfortable, but also when you do something that you think is perfectly ok, and you learn later that it made your partner feel horrible. So the more talking and working out that can be done in advance, the better, but allow for the "real world" example to take you by surprise, once in a while.

Thank you thank you thank you. This post has really helped me out. I have to treat my feelings as valid and rational, or if irrational, figure out why and discuss them with P. I think I am putting a lot into this relationship, as this is really new to me, but I think that he sometimes feels like he's putting more into the relationship just by having to deal with someone who is totally new to being in a poly relationship. It's a challenge, but I am up for it.

 

[rolypoly]

Feelings are always rational. What we do about them is sometimes questionable.

 

[StitchwitchD]

Feelings are always rational. What we do about them is sometimes questionable.

There are irrational feelings. My sister is afraid of snakes, which extends to being very creeped out by rubber toy snakes, and being unable to watch scenes on TV involving snakes. She knows rationally that a toy snake or a snake on TV cannot hurt her, but she's still phobic about snakes.

So, the important thing is picking apart the fear and figuring out what is a real threat and what just has some superficial resemblance to an actual threat.