It happened. Feeling numb

Cuppycake

Cuppycake

New member
Well, it finally happened.

Hubby has been in a crappy mood because he doesn't have the money to go see his GF for her birthday this weekend or to even send her something nice. Our finances are extremely tight right now. He's been very quick to anger for a few weeks. I tried to be supportive by managing the house and kids alone and just staying out of his way. Finally a few nights ago I said "I understand you are upset but I need you to help me and stop taking your sour mood out on me and the kids." This sparked a conversation about our poly situation in general and how he can't handle being with us both. I was very hurt and angry and told him if that were the case he'd better try to figure out what he really wanted, and without any hesitation at all he said "I want her"

I've been giving it my all to embrace her and their relationship, but to hear him tell me in no uncertain terms that he was going to be with her and not me was the most hurtful thing I've ever experienced. I asked him if he could stay with a friend for a few days while he thinks it over and he told me he doesn't need to think it over, he's actually known he'd rather live with her fulltime and be mono with her for "a while" and just hadn't known the right time or way to tell me. He wants to divorce me and marry her.

I think I might still be in shock. I feel numb most of the time, but in a way that is good for now while I try to take care of myself and the kids alone. He's moved out for the time being. I have no family in the area so I'm taking the kids to my parents' until we divorce and I can get myself on my own two feet.

With the way he's handled things, blaming me for his unhappiness and stress, refusing to see past his NRE and look at the big picture, saying unnecessarily cruel things to me... I know that this is for the best. Ultimately I will be ok, and so will the kids. I'm just scared right now.
 
I am so sorry to hear that. It sucks. I do hope he will make the kids a priority, but the important thing right now is to take care of YOU. We're here for you..
 
I am so sorry. It sounds like you are thinking clearly. The important thing at the moment is you and the children. I echo ClockworkDragon in regard to hoping he will still make the kids a priority for their sakes. If this is his bid to be free of responsibility, he might not though.

I know you're in shock and perhaps hoping he will change his mind (although I am not sure a relationship can recover from such a stark revelation), but you might want to consider filing for divorce ASAP in order to get the temporary support in place.

HUGS.
 
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Thanks guys.

No, I am not hoping he will change his mind. I do still love him, but I realize that he is toxic to me and I fear his negative attitude and emotional roller-coaster will start to effect the kids. Despite the agreements and understandings I thought we had come to when we began on the poly path, it turns out he still wasn't being honest or forthcoming. He has told me that he was talking to ME about our future as a poly couple, how he loves us both and how he was so happy how she and I were forming a good friendship because I that is what I wanted. At the same time he's been telling her that it's nice that she and I were friends but that ultimately he'd be with her "for real" and be a monogamous couple, marry her and live a fairy tale happily ever after life with just her. He said that while he explained to her at various points that I'd always be in his life in some way because I am the mother of his children, that he has never told her that he loved me.

He's been lying to us both in one way or another. Big lies, white lies, half truths, omission of information he thinks would upset us. He's a manipulator, I see that now.
 
So sorry for you to have gone through all this. (((HUGS)))

If this is the reality, then you are definitely better off without him. Time to grieve first and then go on with your life.

Hoping life will be better for you and your kids soon!
 
I'm also very recently separated from my husband (he left the house 1 month ago) so I understand how hard it is. The numbness will go away. You'll have to process and grieve and all that, and it is no fun.

On the bright side, since my husband left the house, I'm free of drama because he didn't want me to have other lovers, I'm absolved of his anger, and I do a lot less housework. You'll be fine.

Give him as much space as you can if there's to be anything between you in the future, even just friendship or civility, it's important to stop any negative cycles you've been stuck in. Time will help you sort out the things you need to do to make this work, so one day at a time...
 
Nadya said:
If this is the reality, then you are definitely better off without him.
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I agree and I always say that things happen for a reason...whether or not we can see the reason right off. I hope that this ending just opens you up to a whole new range of possible beginnings and that you will find happiness beyond what you thought possible. Keep your head up :) Wishing you and your precious children all the best.
 
I'm very sorry you are having to go through this. It's good that your parents are there for the kids but I do hope you find ways to take care of yourself too. It will be a tough road ahead I imagine, but it seems like you're taking all of the right steps. I wish you the best!
 
Better times ahead. You sound collected and realistic, and that will serve you far more than being so tightly bound to the wrong kind of person. You probably don't always feel collected and realistic. But it sounds like you're gonna be okay, and much better off without him. Eventually.

Wishing you strength and healing.
 
Sorry you are going through this BS.

Please get child support set up asap through the court. Don't be nice about things.
 
I am so sorry to hear about this mess, Cuppycake. Especially since your f---g husband started this affair when HIS kids were so young. He started a secret affair with this woman when your older child was 1 year old, and continued it during your next pregnancy and the birth of your present tiny infant! What kind of a ... person does that? A douchebag, that's who. I also don't have much respect for the gf doing that when she must have known of the very young age of your older child, then also knowing you were pregnant again and birthing and caring for 2 tiny kids.

Add to that, they are both taking money from YOUR tight family budget for your husband to buy plane tickets to get to her, then using YOUR family's money for him wine and dine her, when she is single and has money!, and gallivant like they don't have a care in the world? What the ruddy hell?

Are you planning to leave the babies with your parents while you go back home and .... do what? Sell the house and move in with your parents while divorce proceedings happen?

Ugh, this is a very disgusting sucky thing and I wish you well in finding stability and emotional health. Your husband is not cut out to be a husband and father, and you are better off without him. There are better men out there.
 
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We don't own our home, so that's good in a way. Basically I'm just going to be taking the kids and moving in with my parents while I try to get back to school to finish my degree and find a job. I'm lucky to have such loving parents who are in a position to help me. They are both retired, but in good health, and they have the financial means to help support us while I work toward being on my own.

I am trying to stay positive and focus on the fact that I can and will take care of myself and my kids. Given their father's pattern of behavior, the way he handles money, the way he's always sort of let life happen to him without accepting responsibility... I honestly don't see him making much of an effort to be a part of his kids' lives. If he does, that's wonderful, but if he doesn't then it's something we can handle.

There's a lot I could say to devalue him, his GF and their relationship, but I won't. It doesn't do any good. Their wellbeing is no longer my concern. I obviously don't wish them harm or ill will, but I'm not going to waste my time, energy or wellbeing helping them to feel better or that they are right for doing the things they've done. I can be amicable. I view my husband as more of a business partner now. I will take everything he says and does with a grain of salt. I will get everything in writing. I will protect myself.
 
The court system will make him pay... really tough to play with your gf when your wages are garnished.

Your children have the right to be provided for. Even if you don't need the money put the child support in a account for their schooling. Make him pay for daycare so you can attend school. DO NOT LET HIM OFF THE HOOK.
 
The court system can't make him pay. If he works a job on the books they can seize his tax return if ever he is eligible to get one and garnish paychecks. But if they are inclined to under the table work or being jobless for stretches, you'll see nothing. They can and sometimes do revoke driver's license but that won't magically put food in your pantry. Rarely, they will arrest a deadbeat parent. The amount they have to pay to avoid sentencing is very low.
Every time payments stop, you'll have to file a complaint. Ultimately the consequences a deadbeat parent faces is dependant on how much effort the guardian parent puts in to reporting it and dealing with court appearances.
File for support but do all you can to not have to rely on it.
 
Vinccenzo said:
The court system can't make him pay. If he works a job on the books they can seize his tax return if ever he is eligible to get one and garnish paychecks. But if they are inclined to under the table work or being jobless for stretches, you'll see nothing. They can and sometimes do revoke driver's license but that won't magically put food in your pantry. Rarely, they will arrest a deadbeat parent. The amount they have to pay to avoid sentencing is very low.
Every time payments stop, you'll have to file a complaint. Ultimately the consequences a deadbeat parent faces is dependant on how much effort the guardian parent puts in to reporting it and dealing with court appearances.
File for support but do all you can to not have to rely on it.
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Here in my state they throw your ass in jail very quickly for unpaid child support. They do not play around. Plus having unpaid child support makes it a bitch to get a good job. No one will hire someone on the books who has a tarnished record.

Trust me the gf unless she is an idiotic fool will not support his ass long. He will no longer bepfun when he ccan't buy a house or have a steady job. When her first joint tax return gets seized she will lose her mind.
 
Her husband is in the military. So... I think Uncle Sam is watching.

He can't just pull up stakes, changed jobs, and move near her, and his mistress can't either. She's military too!
 
Magdlyn said:
Her husband is in the military. So... I think Uncle Sam is watching.

He can't just pull up stakes, changed jobs, and move near her, and his mistress can't either. She's military too!
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The Military REALLY would smack this man down. The UCMJ is STRICT on relationships outside of marriage. The penalties are:

Dishonorable discharge, forfeiture of all pay and allowances, and confinement for 1 year.

If the OP wants to make his life difficult all it would take was one little call to his Commanding officer. The military will DEFINITELY take child support out of the husbands check and get it to the OP.

Oh and by Military law he is NOT allowed to date while separated.
 
I am so sorry. What a mess!:(

I am glad you have parents you can turn to for help in rebooting your life. I wish you good luck as you recover your bearings.

Hang in there!

Galagirl
 
It's true that the army would really crack down on him (both of them) for all of this, but I don't want to go that route. If I did he would likely be discharged and that would effect his security clearance for his civilian job. Obviously I won't be getting any child support if he loses his job, so I'd rather he kept it. It's a very good job. We'd have been in a lot better place, financially, if it weren't for his reckless spending a lot of the time. I guess that's just something to add to the list as far as how we don't work together very well. He's a spending, I'm a saver.

He does know that I'm not afraid to play "hardball" though, and if he does something crazy like quits his civilian job and tries to disappear then I will be making a report of that to his command. You can't just disappear in the eyes of the army, not without going AWOL and facing all sorts of punishment.

In the last couple of days he's been more open to talking to me calmly to try and hash out some plans. He must be in a good mood. That, or he finally realizes how aggressive I will be to protect my children.

The plan for all of us had been that his GF move here when she was finished with her degree next spring and she find an internship or job. I guess that is still her plan, but now instead of finding her own apartment I assume she'll just be moving into this house with him (if he keeps living here, otherwise I guess they'll find a new place together.) Knowing what I know about them, I don't see their relationship lasting for too long after that. It makes me angry and hurt and honestly gives me a little chuckle sometimes how naive they both seem to be about this. Maybe it will work out, and that would be wonderful for them, but I highly doubt it. He's told me over and over again how she and I are so different, how they are better at working together than he and I ever were. I asked him what projects could they possibly have worked on together that even came close to trumping the things he and I had been through. It is really annoying to me that he places everything they have together through rose colored glasses, and everything he's had with me as a husband and father he can then dismiss as "it was ok but not perfect"
 
Hmm, interesting aspect, this military thing. Maybe now you need to find a msg board like this for wives of cheating military guys they are divorcing, to learn from their experiences! I am not saying you need to stop posting here, but it's no longer an actual poly issue, so you might find better help for the military/child support issues elsewhere!
 
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