It takes 2 to Poly

[PleaseShareLove]

I am a married woman in my late 30s and have been with my husband a very long time. We tried to open our relationship to see if Polyamoury was right for us. I had feelings for someone else and wanted to explore them and he was originally excited about the possibilities. But as it carried on, my husband couldn’t handle it and didn’t like it. He didn’t like the idea that I might also love someone else and couldn’t see how it would fit into our lives. He also couldn’t see himself pursing other women. So I ended it with my lover but miss him terribly. Being new to all this I can’t decide how I want to proceed. I really want to explore this in my life because I think it suits me, but I love my husband too and do not want to leave him. Am I doomed to resent him? Should I keep pushing for what I want? Should I muffle my desires out of respect for my husband and just move on? How do you know you are polyamorous? Please offer some advice on how you got started and what some of your obstacles were if your relationship was more one-sided.

 

[Evie]

If you stay with him, you're effectively going to have to choose to muffle your desires and move on, yes. He doesn't want an open relationship. Nagging him for one would be unkind and undermine what you do have. Your feelings for the other guy will fade in time although you will experience a grief process.

I know I'm polyamorous because I can and do love more than one person romantically, and I can manage all of these concurrent relationships effectively.

Thought experiment time: If you left your husband because he didn't agree to you being polyamorous with him and this other guy, and you ended up with this other guy, would you be polyamorous with him and a different other? Or would the cycle possibly eventually repeat? Overlapping monogamous relationships rather than polyamorous relationships?

 

[PleaseShareLove]

EVIEs thought experiment

Thank you so much! I think you hit the nail on the head with your thought experiment.......

When I was younger, I was in love with 2 people at the same time. One of them is my husband now. It really messed me up back then because I didn’t think you were suppose to love more than one person. I cheated with both of them until I eventually chose my husband. It was easy to forgive me then because we chalked it up to being young and free. I have been faithful to my husband for 10 years but always worried I would cheat one day if ever given the opportunity. So once we decided to open our marriage I ran right through that door!!! When I talk to my husband about it I feel like I sound like a hippie, citing more to love is a beautiful thing. He remarked that if back when I was young, if I more wise to alternate forms of love, that I may have chosen poly then too......and I think he’s right.

So to share my answer to your thought experiment, if I did have to leave my husband (or he left me) I would pursue multiple relationships 100%. The problem I’m having now, is that I love my husband very much and don’t want to throw away our marriage or break up our beautiful family.

I also don’t want to force him to do something he’s not into. It’s all very new for me and all I really want at this moment is the opportunity to explore it. If I just muffle it, will it come up again in the future?

There is so much opportunity to live life in your own unique way that I want to be able to do that. The norm is so boring lol. Which is why I am seeking advice from other in how they got started and what it means to them to be Poly.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello PleaseShareLove,

You are bummed that your husband doesn't want poly, but you love your husband too much to leave him. You are between a rock and a hard place. No matter what you choose, you will be disappointed. I suppose the least painful thing, for you, would be to stay with your husband, and occasionally ask him if you could talk with him some more about poly. Theoretically it's possible he might eventually have a change of heart, perhaps in a year or so. When I decided I wanted to be poly, the woman I was interested in was married to a mono man. She started talking to him about poly, she would talk to him every week or two about it. It was a difficult journey for them, but after about a year, he agreed to have a poly situation where he and I were the legs of a V, and she was the hinge. This is why I say it might work, because it worked for me. On the other hand, your husband started out as okay with poly, then did an about-face and started being against it. So maybe he won't want to do a second about-face; I don't know.

Good luck; I hope you are able to work things out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[dingedheart]

I am a married woman in my late 30s and have been with my husband a very long time. We tried to open our relationship to see if Polyamoury was right for us. I had feelings for someone else and wanted to explore them and he was originally excited about the possibilities.

What possibilities? For you and or for himself? And it was only later he discovered dating might be more difficult and too emotionally confusing?

How long did this open status last ?

But as it carried on, my husband couldn’t handle it and didn’t like it. He didn’t like the idea that I might also love someone else and couldn’t see how it would fit into our lives.

So when you had the open discussions was poly actually discussed or was the expectation that it was NSA sex and rotational lovers ? What was the expectation of how it would fit into your life when you decided to open and did that change.

IMO a lot has to do with expectations and how these things are ( sold ) for lack of a better word. Words, concepts, and theories might be easy logically digest but going from the drawing board to building the prototype is vastly different.

So I ended it with my lover but miss him terribly. Being new to all this I can’t decide how I want to proceed. I really want to explore this in my life because I think it suits me, but I love my husband too and do not want to leave him. Am I doomed to resent him?

IMO yes you’re are doomed to resent him. You’ll be unfulfilled and as you say muffled. A derivative or fraction of your true self. Life’s too short for that.
You say you love your husband but ( and I know this might sound wired to a new person but it’s frequently said here ) ARE YOU “ In “ love with him? Is it all the shared history, etc and the passion is gone.?

Should I keep pushing for what I want? Should I muffle my desires out of respect for my husband and just move on? How do you know you are polyamorous? Please offer some advice on how you got started and what some of your obstacles were if your relationship was more one-sided.

I would !!!

And The other side of this coin would be how he’d feel being with someone who’s muffled just for him and sees the norm / him/ current life boring. I’m not trying to put words in your mouth but being the steady/reliable home base might not be fun thought for him and thus he might want to do the generous thing and release you from that. That’s happened more that a few times here. Have you expressed it that way to him ?

 

[Magdlyn]

Probably the majority of poly people, especially those over 30, started out from a monogamous mindset. Very few others are exposed to it younger.

Poly can seem fun and exciting in fantasy, but the reality is different. How long did you and your husband experiment with it before he got "too uncomfortable" and you gave up and dumped the bf?

I also stayed in a mono marriage for a long long time, over 30 years actually, while feeling poly. And my ex husband could tell how I'd get crushes on people. I tried to hide it, but he was always suspicious, and I felt like I was a bad person.

Finally I realized I was done trying to hide it just to protect his sensitive male ego. He would either need to come to terms with my poly nature, or not. Up to him. I was tired of being watched and harassed. Him breathing down my neck every time I watched a movie or went online. It was so freeing and joyous when I accepted myself, whether he liked it or not.

It really really sucks going through life pretending to be someone you're not. It's not healthy. As Kevin said, it can take a year, or even two, to negotiate a new contract with a mono partner. And sometimes it won't work. And then you move on. There are things you don't need to do for others, no matter how much you care for them. Your own mental health is important too.

There is a lot of material you can read to help make this transition. The book Opening Up is good. The website More Than Two is also helpful. And of course, read around this site.

 

[FallenAngelina]

...I love my husband very much and don’t want to throw away our marriage or break up our beautiful family.

There's no such thing as broken families, just families. Separation doesn't equal "broken" it means renegotiating a contract that no longer serves. Think outside the happy-little-nuclear-family box and instead look for examples of people who choose to expand their definition of family. I looked at my divorce as an opportunity to eventually bring more people into our family, not as throwing away a marriage. If old contracts no longer work, then it's time to come up with new ones. New doesn't mean broken, it means new and different.

 

[PleaseShareLove]

Replying to all

Dingedheart, very good questions!

The possibilities we discussed were all over the place. From NSA to boyfriends, we touched upon many different scenarios. Since we were new, we thought we’d “see what happens” and write the rules as we went. To bend and adjust with each new situation.

It only went on for a month or so. Each time I was out with the BF he didn’t like it. His biggest issue was the idea that I could fall in love with someone else too. He would have much preferred a NSA sex adventure to a developing relationship. He didn’t like the time investment in someone else. After learning of NRE, we discussed how the beginning thrill is more time consuming than what we would eventually settle into. As I put it, it was all very exploratory. My husband just couldn’t see this change in our life plan, he couldn’t see sharing me and even though he would have the same opportunity, he couldn’t see himself pursuing other women.

The real problem is I don’t know exactly what I want either. It’s all new. Right now I just want the option to explore it. I do not like living this cookie cutter life. I want to enjoy more of life, the world and the people in it. My husband is still open to the idea, but couldn’t handle what had happened. It happened fast and all at once (NRE) and I tried to explain how amazing this part was.

Kevin, your response regarding time is helpful. One or two years you say! Ha! We’ve only been testing different ways of life for about 6 months now, Including the month with my BF. So thank you for making me feel better there. These situations, though freeing, are complicated and best honored in time. I suppose time will also help me discover what I truly want as well. I am committed to being honest with my feelings with my husband so that I’m not “muffled” through the process. We have children, so I want to be fair for their sake as well.

This forum is great! I don’t have to pretend I’m someone I’m not here, even if I’m not sure who that exactly is just yet. You all have very helpful info to offer and I thank you all very much!

 

[Magdlyn]

Some people can do NSA sex and feel satisfied. Most people with a full range of emotions will become dissatisfied with mere hookups and want an ongoing relationship with someone they care for, even love.

Hookup culture is rampant now. One and done. I don't get it. I almost feel like there is something wrong with people who just want a one off. I was a victim of that earlier this year. I went out to dinner with this guy, he acted so sweet, he talked of future things we could do... I liked him, he seemed trustworthy and respectful. He seemed to find me entertaining, we had a great conversation. It was romantic. I took him home. We had sex and afterwards he continued to talk about our next dates.

Then I never heard from him again. And I saw him the next day, commenting on other women's pix on the dating/kink site where he'd contacted me, propositioning them. It was really weird and icky. You just never know!

I'm sure your h is feeling, if you fall in love with someone else, he could lose you. But if you love him, and you're poly, of course, you'll want both people. That's what being poly means!

Be careful not to gush your NRE all over your husband though. That's TMI. Learn to control how much you say.

 

[PleaseShareLove]

Exactly Mags

Mags, I think you’re right. My H is worried I’d leave him if I fell in love with someone else. On the flip side, his own research into Poly has taught him the different ways people live Poly. One being that I could possibly want to live with my BF even part time. He doesn’t like that. I do though! The idea of mixing it up, loving, sharing lives and perspectives and being privy to all sort of different experiences and people.

I do not get the hook up culture either, particularly the one and done. Not my interest either. Opening myself up to this has made me feel, like I stated before, like a hippie flower child. Free love and all lol. I recall one conversation with H and he said something like “can you really see being fulfilled by loving 2 or more people” and I remember my response included this giddy little smile that I tried to hide and I said “I think it’s beautiful”. I felt foolish but that was a true response. This world could use more love and kindness lol and I am a gentle loving soul who wants to spread my wings!!!!

 

[Nadya]

“can you really see being fulfilled by loving 2 or more people”

Well, here we are... a whole bunch of people who do feel happy and fulfilled by loving 2 or more people...

Living a poly life is definitely something that makes me happy and fulfilled every time I stop to think and count my blessings. Two live-in partners and one long-distance lover is just perfect right now.

Building poly relationships is often a long process, we are talking about years. Opening up is one phase and then building life onwards with several partners is not fast or easy either. However, in best case you will find your true self and get to know lovely people!

 

[ElMango]

I'm sorry things have been such a rocky road!

On one hand, it's a good sign H is still open to things maybe being open later. It definitely sounds like he's afraid; completely normal especially when coming from a mono mindset as Mags said.

I am also team "hookups aren't my jam". Both of my husbands started off as relationships I fully intended to be casual. I'm simply bad at hooking up. I only like hooking up with people I trust so I can't do a "I met you tonight let's sex now". B and Z absolutely can. Even my last FWB; we had been friends for 13 years prior, dated for 8 months when we were 13...and because I only have a platonic love for him sex was fun but honestly, not as engaging.

My opening up with Z, in retrospect, started with the fact that for years we had already been sharing with each other when we found others attractive, and had already said we were 100% okay with each other flirting with other people. I had already been on online chat rooms, openly, sexting with strangers for like...the entire 7 years we had been together at that point. We then talked about having threesomes, found people...that's where B came in. And B turned into my FWB and still just Zs friend. Then feelings happened and Z and I talked about it. He was 100% not shocked. He was very encouraging so long as I made sure to inquire as to how he was feeling and ask him to open up at the start. Once he adjusted he has had no qualms with voicing concerns.

We all live together, and it was Zs idea before it was mine!

Be patient with him, and yourself. Things are confusing and you don't have to know exactly what you want right at this moment. You got this

 

[Magdlyn]

Just want to point out, that Nadya and ElMango live with 2 partners, but this is by no means a requirement. I live with Pixi, she's been the only person I've lived with. We visited so much in our earlier relationship, we were pretty much living together half time almost from the start. We just get along so well. After 3 years of going back and forth, we got a place together, and now it's been 7 years of that.

5 years ago, she met a man and commuted 30 minutes to see him for overnights... but after a couple years he moved much closer to us. He likes his own space. She spends 2 overnights a week with him usually. And I like living with just Pixi. I wouldn't want to live with a male partner of Pixi's. I have such a strong libido, I'd probably get a crush on him, and yet, I don't want to share a partner with her. So, I'd feel conflicted.

I've had several long term relationships with men (all ended after 1-2 1/2 years for various reasons, unfortunately). I never did more than an overnight visit with any of them, here or at their place.

So, just in case your h feels afraid of sharing space with another guy, no worries! This is by no means universal.

 

[dingedheart]

Dingedheart, very good questions!

The possibilities we discussed were all over the place. From NSA to boyfriends, we touched upon many different scenarios. Since we were new, we thought we’d “see what happens” and write the rules as we went. To bend and adjust with each new situation.

Did either of you consider that putting the genie back in the bottle would be impossible depending on the scenario ?? And what you are describing to me sounds like you and your husband both believe whatever happens the marriage will stay the same / intact because or your love and commitment ? HOWEVER The big fat warning label that should have read
ONCE YOU GO DOWN THIS ROAD the old marriage is dead and gone ...it doesn’t exist. Everyone needs to adjust their expectations to this. OLD norms are gone.

It only went on for a month or so. Each time I was out with the BF he didn’t like it. His biggest issue was the idea that I could fall in love with someone else too. He would have much preferred a NSA sex adventure to a developing relationship. He didn’t like the time investment in someone else. After learning of NRE, we discussed how the beginning thrill is more time consuming than what we would eventually settle into. As I put it, it was all very exploratory. My husband just couldn’t see this change in our life plan, he couldn’t see sharing me and even though he would have the same opportunity, he couldn’t see himself pursuing other women.

So his biggest issue “ falling in love “ with another was something discussed but not truly understood or he didn’t understand how it would actually feel once it occurred?

In his reading and research prior he didn’t learn of NRE ???or did most of his research happen after you were out on dates and he was feeling bad ?


How much time were you investing in your BF ....and where was that time coming from ?? In my own case as bing the mono husband I believe my wife took time/ energy and money from the whole family...pets included. We all unknowingly donated to her cause.

Not sure I understand your point about him sharing you just because he’d have the same opportunity.

The real problem is I don’t know exactly what I want either. It’s all new. Right now I just want the option to explore it. I do not like living this cookie cutter life. I want to enjoy more of life, the world and the people in it. My husband is still open to the idea, but couldn’t handle what had happened. It happened fast and all at once (NRE) and I tried to explain how amazing this part was.

I agree that is the amazing part ...the super fun part. However that might have overloaded his already taxed system. But I for example me applaud you for your honesty and I’m sure deep down he does too.

How or why do you have a cookie cutter life ...what does that meant exactly.

These situations, though freeing, are complicated and best honored in time. I suppose time will also help me discover what I truly want as well. I am committed to being honest with my feelings with my husband so that I’m not “muffled” through the process. We have children, so I want to be fair for their sake as well.

That seems like a wise approach....honored in time and brutal honesty Good for you.

How old are you children and what do they know ? And what’s the plan on that?

This forum is great! I don’t have to pretend I’m someone I’m not here, even if I’m not sure exactly who that is just yet.

Yes . Definitely you're not alone in whatever poly situation you happen to want to find yourself in.

Does you husband know of the forum ? It could help him with this.

 

[dingedheart]

Just want to point out, that Nadya and ElMango live with 2 partners, but this is by no means a requirement. I live with Pixi, she's been the only person I've lived with. We visited so much in our earlier relationship, we were pretty much living together half time almost from the start. We just get along so well. After 3 years of going back and forth, we got a place together, and now it's been 7 years of that.

They way I read the op’s comment was her husband didn’t like the idea that she and thus he and the kids would have a parttime / split time wife and mother. Not that some guy would move in because really who’s going to seriously fear that if you’re the one paying the mortgage or rent check.

She spends 2 overnights a week with him usually.

It’s this ^ and more...like 50/50 ...like what dag has going. And she’s expressed that is an attractive idea to her.
“ One being that I could possibly want to live with my BF even part time. He doesn’t like that. I do though! The idea of mixing it up, loving, sharing lives and perspectives and being privy to all sort of different experiences and people.

 

[PleaseShareLove]

Lots of great feedback!!!!!

Dinged heart......

When we opened our marriage it was with very little knowledge of what we might be getting into. I’m not sure we even knew the term polyamorous then. I thought having a “side piece” as we called it would add joy to our lives. Same for him. I had a prospect, H didn’t. So after a few dates, the jealousy and unknown was too much too bear. We researched through the process and neither of us were prepared for what we found. When we found polyamory, like once we could label it, I was like “yeah” and he was like “no”.

My cookie cutter life can be summoned by the typical suburban home. We have 2 kids, 7 and 10 y.o. And my mom lives with us too. Plus we have a Lab named Sam. Me and H both work and are pretty successful. We juggle baseball with our boy and deal with the emotions of our girl. We spend lots of time with family and value that. But I am no soccer mom and me and H do not fit in with parent world. Otherwise, we are pretty milk and cookies over here and I’m just so bored of it. There is more to life. More to experience.

H is most sad knowing things will never be the same. He feels like if he doesn’t let me explore this I’ll resent him forever. I’m still not sure if this is something I can do or want long term, but you don’t know what you don’t know SO now that I know it has made sooooo much sense in all different scenarios looking backwards. H is the sweetest man, wants to be able to give me everything so it hurts him to think that 1. He might not be able to give me this and 2. That I need this.

We’ve talked a lot since even this post and are coming along and examining the idea further. But I see it still hurts him and I am doing my best to love him extra. I miss my lover though, a lot!!!! He stole a piece of my heart cause at the time it was ok.

We cannot get ahead of ourselves with the kids and my mom involved in our living arrangements. So figuring that out, even if we proceed, is in the future. I am taking this seriously.If we proceed, he will allow it and we will adjust as we go, much like lots of the stories I’ve read on here. My request is once a week. I think H wants to let me but I fear he thinks it’s just something I will get out of my system. I don’t think that’s the case and so the fear continues.

My lover is on board as well, but I am scared he will want more and more as time goes on. I really just want happiness. I need to digest these last pieces advice a little.

But feel free to add any other perspectives on getting started! You’ve all helped so much already and I thank you from the bottom of my heart

 

[dingedheart]

Dinged heart......

When we opened our marriage it was with very little knowledge of what we might be getting into. I’m not sure we even knew the term polyamorous then. I thought having a “side piece” as we called it would add joy to our lives. Same for him. I had a prospect, H didn’t. So after a few dates, the jealousy and unknown was too much too bear. We researched through the process and neither of us were prepared for what we found. When we found polyamory, like once we could label it, I was like “yeah” and he was like “no”.

So your research resulted in aah ha moment and his was OH shit what have we done ??

My cookie cutter life can be summoned by the typical suburban home. We have 2 kids, 7 and 10 y.o. And my mom lives with us too. Plus we have a Lab named Sam. Me and H both work and are pretty successful. We juggle baseball with our boy and deal with the emotions of our girl. We spend lots of time with family and value that. But I am no soccer mom and me and H do not fit in with parent world. Otherwise, we are pretty milk and cookies over here and I’m just so bored of it. There is more to life. More to experience.

Was or is you mom aware that you opened your marriage. I could see that being a tremendous resource during date nights, etc if she was up to the task.

Have you and husband discussed how or what to tell the kids ?

H is most sad knowing things will never be the same. He feels like if he doesn’t let me explore this I’ll resent him forever. I’m still not sure if this is something I can do or want long term, but you don’t know what you don’t know SO now that I know it has made sooooo much sense in all different scenarios looking backwards. H is the sweetest man, wants to be able to give me everything so it hurts him to think that 1. He might not be able to give me this and 2. That I need this.

He’s mourning the loss of the marriage as he knew it and projecting forward. I get the sense this hasn’t hit you the same way. Have you felt the loss / mourned the loss of the old marriage or are you seeing it as shedding old skin or as you say on to something more exciting? I think depending how you answer this could be a good indicator of how poly you are and how long term this could be.

We cannot get ahead of ourselves with the kids and my mom involved in our living arrangements. So figuring that out, even if we proceed, is in the future. I am taking this seriously.If we proceed, he will allow it and we will adjust as we go, much like lots of the stories I’ve read on here. My request is once a week. I think H wants to let me but I fear he thinks it’s just something I will get out of my system. I don’t think that’s the case and so the fear continues.

Once a week date ...or once a week sleep over ?

I think it’s a mistake for each of you to second guess the other. And I can’t remember a single case of a poly / mono marriage that the poly person got it out of there system. It’s actually quite the contrary...once bitten.

My lover is on board as well, but I am scared he will want more and more as time goes on. I really just want happiness. I need to digest these last pieces advice a little.

Is your lover married or single and or dating others ???

I think it’s only natural he will want more as time goes on and imagine you will too. Or is that too far forward from right now ?

 

[PleaseShareLove]

Correct! I had an ah ha moment and H was like oh shit! What I love about H right now is that we are communicating about all this and I feel he’s coming around. Communication is key after all, right?

I like your point of view of mourning the old marriage. I would say that is entirely accurate. I too feel the same. The feeling that happened with someone else just happened so I too am sad to see our old marriage be over. I have experienced the sadness myself, BUT my perspective on this becomes less sad of the old because I’m excited for the new! I am honest about my feelings because I want this to ADD to our lives in a positive way, not take away from it. I can only prove this to H by going through with it all and I am willing to do so slowly if that what it takes.

My mom is a tremendous resource for us with the kids. Especially where we are both working parents. We have no intention of telling her or the kids right now. I drive far for my work sometimes and occasionally grab a hotel room when I have a late day or early start, so me being out of the house one night a week would not be awkward. H and I haven’t even gotvas far as if/when we’d ever tell people about this. I think we need to get through it for ourselves first. Even if I proceed, if H wanted the opportunity he could as well. We have far to go before we would ever include our family in this.

So while I am sad to see our old simple life go, I feel free and empowered knowing I wasn’t always crazy. You don’t know what you don’t know and part of our conversations that included reflecting on the past has brought up the fact that if I knew Poly was an option bake when, I would have been on that train a long time ago, before I was married.

Once a week date for sure. Sleeping over is debatable. One of the reasons sleepovers are so strong for me is that I suffer from night blindness and don’t like driving at night. Which is why staying out is normal sometimes. It just hasn’t had the once a week frequency is all.

My lover has a girlfriend who is on her way out. They already had an open relationship when I came along but when we started dating he caught her in a big wierd lie and it ruined them. I had nothing do tobwith their demise except the coincidence of timing. They are still living together, in separate bedrooms, until she finds a new place. I already know that my lover is free to have another relationship besides me if he chooses. It’s one of the reasons that contribute to me knowing I am Poly.