Jealous of my partner's potential threesome

[QueerKing]

Hey everyone,

I’m looking for some advice and perspective on a situation I’m having a hard time with. My partner recently expressed interest in having a threesome with two of her other partners— A (who she’s said is amazing in bed) and G (another FWB). This would be her first threesome. While I want to support her in exploring her desires, I can’t help but feel conflicted, because I’ve been asking to share that kind of intimate experience with her for as long as we’ve been together, and it hasn’t happened.

I know part of my feelings stem from my own insecurities, especially since "A" is a really new relationship (they have only been on 2 dates) and is someone I compare myself to a lot. He’s confident, experienced, and brings out a side of her I sometimes worry I don’t. That comparison has been tough for me, but I also want to approach this situation without letting my insecurities dictate how I feel or respond. "G" is a master at being a DOM and can control a room with her presence alone. I have been lucky enough to meet "G," and they are a genuinely amazing person.

However, it’s hard not to feel hurt that something I’ve expressed as important to me hasn’t been prioritized. This is not the first time she expressed wanting to have a threesome with people besides me, and I don't want to come off as demanding. I feel overwhelmingly lost and even as if I am not capable enough in sex as her partner to have in bed with other people. I’m not sure how to talk to her about this without coming across as jealous or controlling. I truly want her to have the experiences she desires, but I also want my needs and feelings to be considered in our relationship.

Have any of you navigated similar dynamics or feelings in your poly relationships? How can I bring this up in a way that fosters understanding and connection, rather than tension?

 

[GalaGirl]

Gently... it's not her job to do threesomes with you if she doesn't want to share that kind of sex with you.

If sharing a threesome experience is important to you, you can organize that with two other consenting parties.

this is not the first time she's expressed wanting to have a threesome with people besides me

I think she is oversharing TMI. You already know that A and G are her sex partners. Apart from safer sex practices being used, you don't need to know she shared sex with them both in one encounter.

You could make it a practice to ask before you two share sex together: "Since we last shared sex, have there been any new partners, changes in sex health? On my side there was..." And she could answer, "No new people, and safer sex practices are being used."

These are not new people.

I think knowing about the TMI details is bothering you, so you could ask her to stop oversharing those. Why do you have to know TMI details? It would be like going on and on about a vacation or a party that you were not invited to. It's kinda rude.

If she keeps bringing these things up, and it bugs you to hear about it, and leads to envy, you are going to have to say, "Please stop oversharing these sorts of details. It's too much. All it does is make me feel left out and envious. You are free to have threesomes with others, but I'd like to be free from hearing about them in detail. Just basic info for sex health is enough."

It's ok to have strong personal boundaries with a partner.

Galagirl

 

[QueerKing]

Gently... it's not her job to do threesomes with you if she doesn't want to share that kind of sex with you.

If sharing a threesome experience is important to you, you can organize that with two other consenting parties.

She is oversharing TMI details. Apart from safer sex practices being used, you don't need to know she shared sex with them both in one encounter.

Ask before you two share sex again: "Since we last shared sex, have there been any new partners, or changes in sex health? On my side there was..." And she would answer "No new people, safer sex practices still being used."

I think knowing about the TMI details is bothering you. So you could ask her to stop oversharing those. If she keeps bringing this up to you and it leads to envy? You are going to have to say, "Please stop oversharing these sorts of TMI details. All it does is make me feel left out/envious. You are free to have threesomes with others, but I'd like to be free from hearing about it in detail. Just basic info for sex health is enough."

It's ok to have strong personal boundaries with a partner.

You’re absolutely right. It’s not her job, and I could absolutely have a threesome with two other consenting adults. Early on, we had discussed wanting to have our first threesomes with each other, but things have changed. I think a big part of why I’m feeling overwhelmed and envious is that she has found partners who are much more sexually compatible with her, so much so that she wants them to meet.

I want to bring up my feelings because it’s important for me to share them with my partners. However, it’s difficult, given the situation, to find a way to do so that doesn’t make it seem like it’s “her job” to fix things, but also expresses the mental rift I’ve experienced, from us initially planning to include another partner together, to now feeling like I’ve been “omitted.”

Thanks again. The advice and perspective is helpful.

 

[GalaGirl]

A big part of why I’m feeling overwhelmed and envious is that she has found partners who are much more sexually compatible with her, so much so that she wants them to meet.

You do not need to know all that. Why is she telling you? That kind of comparison is not kind. If she wants A and G to meet, why do you have to know about it or be involved with it? You don't.

I want to bring up my feelings, because it’s important for me to share them with my partners. However, it’s difficult, given the situation, to find a way to do so that doesn’t make it seem like it’s “her job” to fix things, but also expresses the mental rift I’ve experienced, from us initially planning to include another partner together to now feeling like I’ve been “omitted.”

"Partner, I need you to stop oversharing details about your sex activities with other people. I end up feeling bad. I'm also disappointed we had planned to have that experience together and now you changed your mind. That's ok to do, but I'd rather not hear about your new plans that do not include me. Just the basics about using safer sex practices is fine. I don't need to know TMI details."

It's not her job to fix your feelings.

It IS her job not to provoke you by oversharing.

It IS your job to speak up when people bug you.

You would not like it if I played really loud music right next to you and it hurt your ears. You'd ask me to put on headphones or move to another room, right?

Speak up with your partner. Set some boundaries around what is and is not TMI.

Galagirl

 

[Magdlyn]

I'm sorry she wants to do a threesome with her two other partners and not with you, especially this new untried person. She barely knows A. You've met A, and she seems really charismatic, and you feel insecure about that. I can see why you feel rejected and hurt!

(Note: sometimes flashy doms are really insecure (angry, sad, weak, or even narcissistic and toxic, etc.) individuals and end up being super annoying, disappointing, unreliable or harmful once you get to know them better. BTDT.)

The thing to remember in polyamory or ENM is that we each bring something different to the table. Think of it like a smorgasbord. Everything looks good. You get to pick and choose what you're in the mood for.

If you're a spicy chicken dish, and A is a strawberry shortcake, maybe those two dishes don't sound appealing to eat at the same time. They taste great separately. Maybe your spicy chicken dish would go better with some rice pilaf and some roasted Brussels sprouts (two other people you might meet for a threesome).

Maybe your gf loves your delicious spicy flavor so much, she doesn't want to share it with anyone else at the same time. Maybe you're not a dom, but you're warm and comforting and perfect on your own, to her taste. Everyone's sex style is different.

I'd hate it if she's actually telling you that you don't really satisfy her sexually at all, that on a scale of 1-10, you're only like a 5 or 6, but her other partners are 9s. If that is the case, you get to think about whether you want to stay with a person who finds you so unsatisfying. Conversely though, if there are certain things she likes, you can learn more about how to do them, while retaining your own style. However, generally, if you're not a natural leader, trying to become a dom for someone isn't going to work, or it could take time. And she might not want you to dom her, no matter what.

 

[dingedheart]

Hey everyone,

I’m looking for some advice and perspective on a situation I’m having a hard time with. My partner recently expressed interest in having a threesome with two of her other partners— A (who she’s said is amazing in bed) and G (another FWB). This would be her first threesome. While I want to support her in exploring her desires, I can’t help but feel conflicted, because I’ve been asking to share that kind of intimate experience with her for as long as we’ve been together, and it hasn’t happened.

How long have you been together? Do you have any form of commitment, i.e., living together, engaged, married?

You state you'd been asking for this shared experience. Was she seemingly receptive/excited/enthusiastic to also share that together, or was she dismissive and non-receptive?

I know part of my feelings stem from my own insecurities, especially since "A" is a really new relationship (they have only been on 2 dates) and is someone I compare myself to a lot. He’s confident, experienced, and brings out a side of her I sometimes worry I don’t. That comparison has been tough for me, but I also want to approach this situation without letting my insecurities dictate how I feel or respond. "G" is a master at being a DOM and can control a room with her presence alone. I have been lucky enough to meet "G," and they are a genuinely amazing person.

Is this about so-called first, or the dream being fulfilled by someone else, or FOMO? I think insecurities are also going to influence the way you feel. Are you sure you’re secure enough to have a threesome?

However, it’s hard not to feel hurt that something I’ve expressed as important to me hasn’t been prioritized. This is not the first time she expressed wanting to have a threesome with people besides me, and I don't want to come off as demanding. I feel overwhelmingly lost and even as if I am not capable enough in sex as her partner to have in bed with other people. I’m not sure how to talk to her about this without coming across as jealous or controlling. I truly want her to have the experiences she desires, but I also want my needs and feelings to be considered in our relationship.

Who’s to say your needs and feeling weren’t considered? She just rated them lower to other considerations or didn’t see the importance you place on it.

Have any of you navigated similar dynamics or feelings in your poly relationships? How can I bring this up in a way that fosters understanding and connection, rather than tension?

Why not invite her to read this thread? That opens the door, at least.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello QueerKing,

I would suggest you say something like, "I want to support you in having a threesome with A and G. I just wish you and I had been in a threesome by now. Can we talk about that?" Another thing I wonder about is, what about a foursome? Could you, your partner, A, and G all participate in this? I understand if that wouldn't work for you.

Regards,
Kevin T.