Jealousy? But in a different way....

G

Gordon11

New member
Hi everyone! I'm about to embark on a poly journey with my partner of one year. I'm a man dating a woman, for context. The thing is this is not only my first poly relationship but it's my first relationship.

I'm a 31 year old late bloomer. I've known my girlfriend for 7 years and we've been dating for 1 year. We love each other very much and know everything about each other. She even set me up with friends and helped me learn about dating when we were just friends. So she knows how difficult dating is for me.

My issue with jealousy is not exactly feeling like I'm not enough for my girlfriend and being jealous of the men she would date or sleep with. It's actually a question of being jealous of her.

Aside from my girlfriend, I've never gotten past the first date. I've never even had sex if anyone other than her. I wasn't waiting for her to date me or anything, it just sort of happened. This is also her first poly relationship. She's never had long-term relationships and though she loves me she still wants to experience connections with other people.

I understand that. Truth is I do too. But I want to experience these connections and they'll most likely stay as a desire while she'll actually experience them. It's easy for her. She's tried to help in the past and it never worked. Again never went past the first date. So I don't see much anything changing.

But I do see myself potentially just being jealous of her and that's not healthy either. I've talked to her about this and she says she'll help me. I appreciate it and believe her. But ultimately, she can't do anything if no other woman wants to date me.

Also, how do I bring up dating and spending money in poly relationships. Our finances are shared and we talked about it but haven't figured out a solution. As progressive as the world is, a lot of women expect men to pay most of the time in the beginning (yes not everyone but a lot more do than don't, my girlfriend included). How do I justify, saying hey we can't go out on a date this weekend because I'm meeting another girl for a first date that will go nowhere! See you in an hour! (I'm exaggerating as a joke but at its core I do see a dilemma).


Ultimately, I feel like this is going to be a one sided arrangement not because it is but because I suck at dating 😔. I don't want to lose my girlfriend but I don't think I'm strong enough to not be jealous when she's out having fun on dates and I can't even get a "hello" from a woman. Have people gone through this? I'd like to hear from everyone! Doesn't matter what your gender or sexual orientation is because I feel like this is an issue many people might face and not just people who identify as a straight man.
 
Sounds like you're describing envy more than jealousy.

You certainly would not be the first guy in an open relationship to watch his partner go out and "have it easy" on the dating front. Hell, my husband went through some of that when we first opened back up.

One approach is to join some social groups of interest to you (perhaps a new interest) and meet people that way without the pressure of that first date feel. There was a thread around here recently, maybe someone could provide the link, about different groups that are more likely to be poly friendly. D'n'D and stuff.

I have some late bloomer friends, such as Mike, one of my FWBs, who could barely get a date at 30 and had anyone he liked at 40. He found his thing.
 
Generally, men might have a harder time finding dates but women find it harder to find men who want to commit to them.

The guys I know who would describe themselves similarly to you in terms of dating history often find that being a partnered poly person means they have a new level of attractiveness to their potential matches.
 
I always get envy and jealousy mixed up. Yeah maybe you're right, @Evie . Envy might better describe how I feel. The other thing is that I'm not even sure I'm into being poly. Or I'm not sure if I want to actually be poly or just date more due to lack of experience.

I was really happy in our relationship. But it is possible that it may be because I've only ever experienced hardship. And then I think about my girlfriend and realize I didn't care about all the failed first dates and stupid dating apps.

I'm actually pretty sociable. I more outgoing than my girlfriend. She just gets asked out on dates more (even when we started dating guys just assume we weren't together). If I asked out the same amount of women as the number of men that ask her out I still might only get 1 yes to a date that'll ghost me after. Whereas she would find a few guys she would click with. So yeah, I do think she has it easy in that sense.

@SEASONEDpolyAgain I see what you mean, but in my experience I 30 before my first relationship. Not due to lack of trying. It even took my own girlfriend 7 years before she was interested in me as more than a friend.

I know this is more of a "me" problem. But the whole idea of women finding me more attractive because I have a partner actually makes me feel worse. So basically I would've never been attractive otherwise but because I have someone else's stamp of approval means I might be worth it? Honestly, I thought I was done with all this. But I guess not.


If you don't mind me asking, how long did it take for your you and partners before you went on a date with someone else? When you found someone you clicked with?
 
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Gordon11 said:
I always get envy and jealousy mixed up. Yeah maybe you're right, @Evie . Envy might better describe how I feel. The other thing is that I'm not even sure I'm into being poly. Or I'm not sure if I want to actually be poly or just date more due to lack of experience.

I was really happy in our relationship. But it is possible that it may be because I've only ever experienced hardship. And then I think about my girlfriend and realize I didn't care about all the failed first dates and stupid dating apps.

I'm actually pretty sociable. I more outgoing than my girlfriend. She just gets asked out on dates more (even when we started dating guys just assume we weren't together). If I asked out the same amount of women as the number of men that ask her out I still might only get 1 yes to a date that'll ghost me after. Whereas she would find a few guys she would click with. So yeah, I do think she has it easy in that sense.

@SEASONEDpolyAgain I see what you mean, but in my experience I 30 before my first relationship. Not due to lack of trying. It even took my own girlfriend 7 years before she was interested in me as more than a friend.

I know this is more of a "me" problem. But the whole idea of women finding me more attractive because I have a partner actually makes me feel worse. So basically I would've never been attractive otherwise but because I have someone else's stamp of approval means I might be worth it? Honestly, I thought I was done with all this. But I guess not.


If you don't mind me asking, how long did it take for your you and partners before you went on a date with someone else? When you found someone you clicked with?
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I think some of it is a very primal competition for mates but I think sometimes you have to let it work for you. Other theories say that you feel more attractive when you're desired and that translates in your body language and interactions.

I came to poly slightly differently but I've known plenty of people who took years to find good matches. Some had no matches and then found (a) good one(s). Others had a steady stream of interestED but not interestING potentials and took a long time to find the right one(s).
 
I woke up not in a good place. I don't think I'm okay with this. So I'm going to end it with my girlfriend. Part of it is not accepting that I can't be everything be everything for my girlfriend. Another part is me wanting to date more but knowing I won't be able to.

Yes, I understand breaking up puts me on the market again anyway but I honestly don't think I could handle seeing her with someone else. Then compound that by me maybe meeting someone 32 years from now. It's all just seems and feels pointless. I'm probably better off alone.

Thank you. I appreciate the advice and wish you good luck 😀
 
I hope you see this. I don't understand why you'd break up with this woman whom you love and have been friends with for so long. I assume you're having good sex and enjoyable companionship around the house and out on dates. Why give up one bird in the hand for unknown birds in the bush?

You don't have to see or hear about your gf's other dates if you'd rather not. It sounds like you two live together and share finances. You don't have to be that far up the relationship escalator to have a nice committed relationship. You could live separately and keep your bank accounts separate too. Then all you'd need to do, probably, is use condoms when you have sex. She wouldn't even need to tell you about her other dates.

There's plenty of room between all and nothing.

Do you have any idea what it is about you that cause women to ghost on you?? Is it your looks, hygiene, attitude?
 
It sounds like your emotions might be interfering with rationale. Borrowing problems from the future and such. And now you are retreating.

Is this a common cycle for you? This behavior; doing 180 the woman who loves you… This cycle could be the same reason why you aren’t having success finding relationships…

Your gf has given you dating advice before; have you taken that advice? You don’t like the idea of a mate bringing more sex your way, why? Are you feeling jaded about how attraction works? And if so, what’s the point in feeling jaded about human nature? How is your attitude serving you?
 
Inaniel said:
It sounds like your emotions might be interfering with rationale. Borrowing problems from the future and such. And now you are retreating.

Is this a common cycle for you? This behavior; doing 180 the woman who loves you… This cycle could be the same reason why you aren’t having success finding relationships…

Your gf has given you dating advice before; have you taken that advice? You don’t like the idea of a mate bringing more sex your way, why? Are you feeling jaded about how attraction works? And if so, what’s the point in feeling jaded about human nature? How is your attitude serving you?
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I'm not pulling a 180. In the 7 years we've known each other, she was never poly. We spoke about being mono when we got together and agreed to it. I'm just trying to wrap my head around poly.

And me breaking up with her isn't because I hate her or because I don't think she doesn't love me. It's because I don't think I'm capable of being poly long term. I can't give her what she wants - being a supportive poly boyfriend.

Rationale and emotions? Of course emotions are involved. It's a relationship. It's based on both.

I don't know what you mean about "this cycle" being the reason I can't find rrelationships? There isn't much I can do if women ghost me after the first date, or say they don't feel a spark.

I'll say again. I was very happy with her for the year we've been together. I love her very much. But along with my own difficulties with dating, I don't think I'm actually poly. It is a spectrum and I think i tend to lean more towards monogamy. Yes I do want more experiences with dating but given the person I am, the experiences I've had and just women's general response to me it doesn't seem like I'll be very good at it.
 
Hello Gordon11,
The Switcheroo: when openers become benchwarmers

"As for where to meet poly people, if by some chance you are interested in anything alternative like Renaissance fairs, goth culture, sci-fi conventions, indie music, bdsm, or any small fringe group, you will be more likely to meet people who have at least heard of poly and are accepting of it."
-- SpaceHippieGeek, Polyamorous Percolations
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Even if it's not an "alternative" type group, if there's a club or something in your area that does something you're interested in, you can always join that group and it just gives you a way to get out there and meet people. If you meet someone on a platonic level and get to talking about poly, then they can decide how they feel about it without any "pressure to agree." Then if they do decide poly doesn't bother them too much, and some kind of romantic connection subsequently develops, you'll already have "had the poly conversation" with them.

I think I understand why you are breaking up with your girlfriend. It's because you can't bear to see her dating other guys, when you can't get past the first date. It does make me sad that you are getting rid of this one special thing in your life, but I understand why you feel you have to do it. The above paragraphs are mostly in response to earlier posts, as I think you are mostly inclined to be in a monogamous relationship. If there's anything I or others can do to help, let me know.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Well, it's up to you.

Some people are monoamorous (love 1 sweetie) and want monogamy (a 1:1 relationship structure). And it's ok to want that.

Some people are monoamorous (love 1 sweetie). And are ok participating in either monogamy or in polyamory as an end point person in a V or similar.

It's good to know your own self. So if after a year of dating? She wants to take a trip to Poly Town and you just don't want to go there? It ok to get off the bus and not participate.

You get to pick what you are and are not up for. And sometimes the most loving thing one can do it let go.

It's a bummer, because no break up is FUN. But if that's the healthiest option for you? Then that's what it has to be.

Maybe after a time of healing, you can think about dating again in the future and what you might be able to improve with your social skills and so on so you can feel less awkward dating. And no longer envious of people who have developed those skills.

Galagirl
 
Thank you for all the help. I spoke to my girlfriend and decided to end our relationship. She said she kind of knew this would happen and wishes she could help me but unfortunately she can't.

I just want to be clear that I'm not attacking poly lifestyle in any way. I actually do understand it logically. And @kdt26417 is right. My only hang up is watching my girlfriend go out with guys while I can't. Its hard to explain. Not to be crude but its like watching everyone else ride the roller coaster but I can't ride because I'm not tall enough and I'm not going to get any taller. @kdt26417 meeting people in clubs and stuff makes sense. I meet a lot of people and have lots of friends. Having conversations is easy. I have a pretty full social life. I don't know why romance is such a roadblock.

Ironically (might not be the right word) I'm back to square 1. My girlfriend or ex rather (feel weird saying that) got together after 7 years. I feel like it'll take another woman another 7 years before I we actually date. I'm kind of done with the whole thing to be honest.

My friends told me what you said @GalaGirl. Maybe after I take some time off I'll be ready to try again and be better this time. But truth is I won't. I'm going to work on just stifling any romantic impulse I have.

I remember something my dad told me. He's religious (I'm not) and he said we're all put on this earth to learn something by the end of our lives and each person's journey is truly individual. Worst case scenario would be me being alone. But maybe my life is to just enjoy being with my friends and family. Maybe what I need to learn is romantic endeavors aren't for me. We'll see I guess. But I'm done trying even if it knocks on my door I'm not opening it anymore.

Thanks again everyone was very helpful. Hope you find everything you're looking for and more :)
 
Sometimes you find someone just when you're not looking. I hope that will be the case for you, a friend today may turn out to be something more than a friend tomorrow ... or seven years from now. I hope it's not that long, but who knows.
 
Thank you, but I'm going to actively avoid it. Don't think anything good will come of it. But I appreciate the thought.
 
My friends told me what you said @GalaGirl. Maybe after I take some time off I'll be ready to try again and be better this time. But truth is I won't. I'm going to work on just stifling any romantic impulse I have.
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Well, that's up to you also. If you prefer to not participate in romantic relationships, you honor that preference.

Galagirl
 
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