Jealousy having only one partner

I

Iamher

New member
I am a married stay at home mom. My husband and I have been together for 7 years now. He introduced me to polyamory and I agreed but didn’t know too much about it or how much work I would have to put in. Long story/ years later I am now doing the work but I am struggling with my feelings. I don’t really have time to do much or give anyone a relationship they deserve. I homeschool on top of all the other mother duties while my husband has much more free time to do what he wants when he wants. While he is hands on and does help out, he clearly has the time to date and have other relationships.

I have been struggling with the fact that I don’t get time away from our kids and I don’t have a lot of intimate time with hubby. We only have my parents as babysitters and I don’t want to “pawn them off” more than once a month as my bunch can be a handful. I don’t have anyone who I can talk to about anything because I just don’t tend to get value from the people I would be open to talking to. When my husband dates he is typically gone at night when everyone is asleep, but that can cause him to come home and sleep most of the day. On top of this I am struggling with my own self confidence which is for a different place.

For an example of my jealousy. I was sick with my kids for a week, and once we got closer to Valentine’s Day, without a discussion my husband had decided that he would cancel our plans and then he was still going on his date… I told him I didn’t think it was fair that I don’t get time and he still gets to go have fun… but life isn’t fair right? Their plans got rescheduled but mine don’t. I’m the one who enjoys going out and I guess “being shown off”, my husband could take it or leave it but wants to date other women and I feel like it’s mostly so he can have other options when I don’t want to have sex. Because he doesn’t take them out, really. They just talk and have sex. I want to go and do things and he honestly could care less about going out and just being in the same room as me is enough for him.

This was a lot and probably all over the place. I don’t think it even makes sense. But if you read this and have any words for me that would be appreciated. And if you have clarifying questions, please ask!
 
Hello Lauren,

It sounds like there is a dissonance between what you are doing at home, and what your husband is doing at home, he claims to be giving you the freedom to date in ENM/poly, whereas the reality is that he has all the time, whereas you are stuck at home. Would he be so generous if he was the one who had to take care of the kids?

Your husband is not treating you fairly. If you don't get time with him on a date, his love interests shouldn't get time with him on a date either. He is trying to use you as a spouse who takes care of the kids while he goes out and has fun. This is not okay. Sit down with him and have a long talk about it.

We need to hear his side of the story, we need to hear of his good qualities, perhaps he is perfect for you in every way, other than this one little thing which is not so little. It does seem like he is taking you for granted, like you are the SAHM and that's all he wants you to be.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
You say your "bunch" of kids can be handful...does that mean you have more than 2 children under age 7?
 
kdt26417 said:
Hello Lauren,

It sounds like there is a dissonance between what you are doing at home, and what your husband is doing at home, he claims to be giving you the freedom to date in ENM/poly, whereas the reality is that he has all the time, whereas you are stuck at home. Would he be so generous if he was the one who had to take care of the kids?

Your husband is not treating you fairly. If you don't get time with him on a date, his love interests shouldn't get time with him on a date either. He is trying to use you as a spouse who takes care of the kids while he goes out and has fun. This is not okay. Sit down with him and have a long talk about it.

We need to hear his side of the story, we need to hear of his good qualities, perhaps he is perfect for you in every way, other than this one little thing which is not so little. It does seem like he is taking you for granted, like you are the SAHM and that's all he wants you to be.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
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Unfortunately this is exactly how it feels. That he just wanted to marry me and have kids with me because he knew I would take care of them. I know he loves me and we have had lots of great times together, but he will never admit it out loud, I think he enjoys me being home. That’s not the problem for me. Really it’s the fact that he is all about himself and can be very selfish. He wants to make sure he is happy before everyone else, and I put everyone else before myself. But if I don’t do it who will?
 
I have been struggling with the fact that I don’t get time away from our kids and I don’t have a lot of intimate time with hubby.
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I hear that with homeschooling and a large dollop of tradwife duties going on in your household, the labour division is simply stifling you.

1. Get those once-a-months locked in with the grandparents so you can also have those all important date nights with him and you. Don't worry about your kids being a "handful" - when they are with other adults, they will learn the expectations of interactions with different grown ups. It's good for them.

2. How about scheduling time very regularly (at least every other week) where he is the parent fully responsible for the kids for the day/evening and you go out and do whomever or whatever you damn well please? I'm not even seeing here if you get adult time with any other adult friends. Girls nights out? A night class? Something that is going to energize you considering the kids will be draining you dry most days. Like, put them in the calendar and make them non-negotiable (emergencies excepted).

3. Enroll the kids in dance/gym/martial arts/art classes/whatever - just something where you aren't the supervising adult for a while. Homeschooling is exhausting. Spread the load.
 
I also homeschooled my/our kids (years ago, they're all in their 30s now). I don't like that your h just goes swanning off on regular dates with others while you're stuck home with the kids. My ex-h and I tried to practice polyamory when our kids were 11, 14 and 16 and it was still too early. I still resented being home with the kids while he was out wining and dining his gf, while neglecting our kids, the house, car maintenance, our pets (feeding, walking, litter boxes, cage and tank cleaning, or making sure the kids did some of the work), (we had a lot of pets for educational reasons lol) and especially neglecting giving me intimate romantic dating time.

I wish I knew then what I learned later about better poly practices.

You might get something out of reading about disentangling, The Most Skipped Step.

medium.com

The Most Skipped Step When Opening a Relationship

You’ve had hundreds of hours of discussions on what your open relationship will look like? Check!
medium.com medium.com

Take one day a week for yourself, when your h, or a sitter, is home with the kids. You get out with friends and have some fun, take a class, practice a hobby, exercise, have dinner and drinks, dance or chat, whatever! Mother burn-out is very real, especially for SAHMs and homeschooling moms. We work really hard. It's an extremely intense job.

We didn't have grandparents in our area, so we only got to use them once a year in the summer once the youngest turned 5, for a kid-free 3 or 4 day vacation. That was nice, but not enough. If your parents WANT the kids, hand 'em over more often, I say! Don't worry about them being a handful, if your parents really want to take over. :)

Many poly people choose not to do it until their kids are nearly grown. For me, polyamory worked much better when my kids were 16, 19 and 21.
 
I chose to close off my marriage to poly while we had younger kids. If you want to practice poly, it needs to be fair and equal. You both have full time work-- him outside the home, you in the home. However you both also deserve some free time away from the kids to take a break. It can be dating, or hanging out with friends, or even just shutting yourself in the bedroom with a good book. You all need to work out a schedule that you each allow the other person equal free time. Otherwise it sounds very unfair.
 
Evie said:
I hear that with homeschooling and a large dollop of tradwife duties going on in your household, the labour division is simply stifling you.

1. Get those once-a-months locked in with the grandparents so you can also have those all important date nights with him and you. Don't worry about your kids being a "handful" - when they are with other adults, they will learn the expectations of interactions with different grown ups. It's good for them.

2. How about scheduling time very regularly (at least every other week) where he is the parent fully responsible for the kids for the day/evening and you go out and do whomever or whatever you damn well please? I'm not even seeing here if you get adult time with any other adult friends. Girls nights out? A night class? Something that is going to energize you considering the kids will be draining you dry most days. Like, put them in the calendar and make them non-negotiable (emergencies excepted).

3. Enroll the kids in dance/gym/martial arts/art classes/whatever - just something where you aren't the supervising adult for a while. Homeschooling is exhausting. Spread the load.
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My mom just recently retired so I may start pushing for two nights a month and maybe full weekends in the summer.

No I don’t have any adult time, other than maybe a date night. I don’t have but one friend and she works and when she is free she typically has her kid (shared custody) so it was already hard to schedule before baby, now I’m getting more time and energy but her schedule can still be hard. But honestly I’m also on a journey of self discovery and I don’t know any interests other than reading, coloring, and journaling.

Unfortunately in my area my kids aren’t old enough for the classes without heavy adult participation, also very limited options. Nearest larger city is 45 minutes away and I tried until I was pregnant with the youngest and it got draining.
 
Magdlyn said:
I also homeschooled my/our kids (years ago, they're all in their 30s now). I don't like that your h just goes swanning off on regular dates with others while you're stuck home with the kids. My ex-h and I tried to practice polyamory when our kids were 11, 14 and 16 and it was still too early. I still resented being home with the kids while he was out wining and dining his gf, while neglecting our kids, the house, can maintenance, our pets (feeding, walking, litter boxes, cage and tank cleaning, or making sure the kids did some of the work), (we had a lot of pets for educational reasons lol) and especially neglecting giving me intimate romantic dating time.

I wish I knew then what I learned later about better poly practices.

You might get something out of reading about disentangling, The Most Skipped Step.

medium.com

The Most Skipped Step When Opening a Relationship

You’ve had hundreds of hours of discussions on what your open relationship will look like? Check!
medium.com medium.com

Take one day a week for yourself, when your h, or a sitter, is home with the kids. You get out with friends and have some fun, take a class, practice a hobby, exercise, have dinner and drinks, dance or chat, whatever! Mother burn-out is very real, especially for SAHMs and homeschooling moms. We work really hard. It's an extremely intense job.

We didn't have grandparents in our area, so we only got to use them once a year in the summer once the youngest turned 5, for a kid-free 3 or 4 day vacation. That was nice, but not enough. If your parents WANT the kids, hand 'em over more often, I say! Don't worry about them being a handful, if your parents really want to take over. :)

Many poly people choose not to do it until their kids are nearly grown. For me, polyamory worked much better when my kids were 16, 19 and 21.
Click to expand...
I have read the most skipped step and am working on being alone. I have just last week gone on a solo date to the movies, which honestly is a big deal because I’ve never been alone anywhere other than shopping.

I think I’m in too deep to pull back, but it seems that you really understand how I feel. I have started feeling resentful of his time without the kids. He doesn’t get it because he doesn’t actually go out anywhere with his dates. They just sit and chat I guess, (and probably have sex) so he is okay with us not leaving the house for dates and having the kids with us. But I want more time away from them. I was feeling like a “bad mom” about wanting time away from them, but now I know I’m just overwhelmed and I’m yelling more because of my constant mothering. Luckily he does a lot of things around the house, like helping homeschool and cooking dinner. And I think this made me let every thing slide because “at least he helps me”.

My mom recently retired so I think I will start shipping off the older two more and just date myself because I don’t think h wants to give me that part of the relationship and I can’t force him.
 
Kynde said:
I chose to close off my marriage to poly while we had younger kids. If you want to practice poly, it needs to be fair and equal. You both have full time work-- him outside the home, you in the home. However you both also deserve some free time away from the kids to take a break. It can be dating, or hanging out with friends, or even just shutting yourself in the bedroom with a good book. You all need to work out a schedule that you each allow the other person equal free time. Otherwise it sounds very unfair.
Click to expand...
I think I’m in too deep to close off my marriage. But I think I will just date myself because he doesn’t seem to understand that I want kid free time outside of the house. I can’t really get time in the house alone though, I tried and it’s not relaxing…

It definitely feels unfair though.
 
You can get out and explore new hobbies. Go get a pedicure. Take a nice walk in a park or nature reserve. If you like coloring, you might like an art museum. What do you like to read? Go to a bookstore instead of just ordering books online. Get a beverage in the cafe. If you become a regular you might make a friend or two. Go to the library. Read around about new hobbies to try. Take a free library course. Join a book club.

Assert yourself. You don't NEED to sit home, at your husband's and kids' beck and call. (Maybe you were more needed when breastfeeding a child, but if they are all weaned, or nursing a lot less, you can leave!) You are your own primary, so it's valid to "date yourself."
 
Magdlyn said:
You can get an explore new hobbies. Go get a pedicure. Start with a nice walk in a park or in a nature reserve. If you like coloring, you might like an art museum. What do you like to read? Go to a bookstore instead of just ordering books online. Get a beverage in the cafe. If you become a regular you might make a friend or two. Go to the library. Read around about new hobbies to try. Take a free library course. Join a book club.

Assert yourself. You don't NEED to sit home, at your husband's and kids' beck and call. (Maybe you were more needed when breastfeeding a child, but if they are all weaned, or nursing a lot less, you can leave!) You are your own primary, so it's valid to "date yourself."
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I am currently exclusively breastfeeding our youngest. And where I live it’s so cold so no walks until it warms up. I’m really trying to get out of my comfort zone because I’ve never really been alone and it’s uncomfortable for me to be alone. But honestly I’ve been wanting to be alone more because of the overwhelming need of “mom” and I’m disappointed in not having time to myself, and when he does I’m irritable and don’t want to hang out with him anymore.
 
Iamher said:
I am currently exclusively breastfeeding our youngest. And where I live it’s so cold so no walks until it warms up. I’m really trying to get out of my comfort zone because I’ve never really been alone and it’s uncomfortable for me to be alone. But honestly I’ve been wanting to be alone more because of the overwhelming need of “mom” and I’m disappointed in not having time to myself, and when he does I’m irritable and don’t want to hang out with him anymore.
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How old is your nursling? I found once my kids turned 5 months, and could sip some water out of a cup, even before they started solid foods, I could leave baby with my husband and go out. I myself was heavily involved in La Leche League, first as a member and, by the time my second turned one year old, as a Leader. One evening a month I would get to go to LLL, first with the baby, and then without him or her. Even though I was still around moms and babies, I could enjoy the meeting better, be able to concentrate on conversations, or yes, hold someone else's baby haha. I remember there was a mom of twins who often appreciated some help with her babies so she could listen to the information being shared. Helping the other moms was always fun. It made me feel great. (I was a Leader for 25 years.) I love the camaraderie.

I also started going to the gym early in the mornings a couple days a week, before my husband went to work. I'd leave the baby tucked in next to dad. They'd either sleep, or dad and baby would wake up, but I'd be back in an hour and a half.

Eventually I would sometimes go out to dinner with a couple of LLL gfs, and chat and have a glass of wine, while dad took the kids, played, gave them a snack, bathed them and read stories. I'd get home in time to nurse the baby/toddler to sleep.
 
I love your name "I am her". At first glance, I didn't get it. :) I am an old guy, 78, who has no kids - that I know of (joke), so I have no solution to the mom issues that others have so nicely addressed. I haven't been on this site since 2009, and I'm not sure how I ran into it; I thought it was interesting, and I discovered I had an old login that still works!

On the sexual side, it is normal for many to enjoy sexual variety. For some, having another "date" is like, instead of eating at home, you sometimes like going to a restaurant. It's a bit crude, but it is a fact.

The "date" can be in 3 separate worlds— an affair, swinging or polyamory.

An affair is also known as "cheating." It often gets one in trouble and, if found out, frequently leads to massive jealousy issues and negative consequences.

Swinging and poly, to be successful, rely on open, candid communications with all parties. Both are sometimes called "responsible non-monogamy."

I am not interested in "recreational sex" swinging, where jealousy is attempted to be avoided by no emotional attachments (although this often does not work). I have led a - wait for this - Christian couples group (350 members) that was more poly than swinging, but many had come from swinging. I have seen all sides, good and bad. They could talk about things they didn't dare tell their Church friends. Amazingly, we also had very supportive ministers, Including some major churches on our mailing list, who supported, but would be fired if their views were known.

Poly, of course, is multiple genuine human "loving" relationships, with total honesty with all parties. I was involved decades ago with Loving More and founder Debra Annapol (now long deceased), and their good books and materials, but I am sure there are many more today. For me, the idea is that loving more means just like you can love more than one child, you can love more than one intimate loving partner "with benefits" (sex!).

The norm was male-dominated in biblical times, with many wives and concubines (for breeding). Only Timothy and Titus's elders were supposed to have one wife. In one case celebrated Christian, the husband owned his "too numerous to count" women. Adultery was a property-right crime, unless the husband gave permission. BTW, gay/lesbian was never wrong as we know it today, only acts of pederasty by heterosexual males, but that is a different topic.

I do not close with a benediction or pass the offering plate. :)
 
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Magdlyn said:
How old is your nursling? I found once my kids turned 5 months, and could sip some water out of a cup, even before they started solid foods, I could leave baby with my husband and go out. I myself was heavily involved in La Leche League, first as a member and, by the time my second turned one year old, as a Leader. One evening a month I would get to go to LLL, first with the baby, and then without him or her. Even though I was still around moms and babies, I could enjoy the meeting better, be able to concentrate on conversations, or yes, hold someone else's baby haha. I remember there was a mom of twins who often appreciated some help with her babies so she could listen to the information being shared. Helping the other moms was always fun. It made me feel great. (I was a Leader for 25 years.) I love the camaraderie.

I also started going to the gym early in the mornings a couple days a week, before my husband went to work. I'd leave the baby tucked in next to dad. They'd either sleep, or dad and baby would wake up, but I'd be back in an hour and a half.

Eventually I would sometimes go out to dinner with a couple of LLL gfs, and chat and have a glass of wine, while dad took the kids, played, gave them a snack, bathed them and read stories. I'd get home in time to nurse the baby/toddler to sleep.
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That’s great! I’m hoping to find something, but unfortunately I moved to a city that is pretty conservative and doesn’t have really anything going on. I’ll have to look at things happening in the city I used to live in (45 minutes away). I know they have groups and things. My baby is 4 months so getting close to water and eating. Luckily I’m not in that new mom phase where I don’t want to leave him. I’m definitely down to be without him. haha
 
lovetouchPhx said:
I love your name "I am her". At first glance, I didn't get it. :) I am an old guy, 78, who has no kids - that I know of (joke), so I have no solution to the mom issues that others have so nicely addressed. I haven't been on this site since 2009, and I'm not sure how I ran into it; I thought it was interesting, and I discovered I had an old login that still works!

On the sexual side, it is normal for many to enjoy sexual variety. For some, having another "date" is like, instead of eating at home, you sometimes like going to a restaurant. It's a bit crude, but it is a fact.

The "date" can be in 3 separate worlds— an affair, swinging or polyamory.
An affair is also known as "cheating." It often gets one in trouble and, if found out, frequently leads to massive jealousy issues and negative consequences.

Swinging and poly, to be successful, rely on open, candid communications with all parties. Both are sometimes called "responsible non-monogamy."

I am not interested in "recreational sex" swinging, where jealousy is attempted to be avoided by no emotional attachments. Although this often does not work. I have led a - wait for this - Christian couples group (350 members) that was more poly than swinging, but many had come from swinging. I have seen all sides, good and bad. They could talk about things they didn't dare tell their Church friends. Amazingly, we also had very supportive ministers, Including some major churches on our mailing list, who supported but would be fired if their views were known.

Poly, of course, is multiple genuine human "loving" relationships with total honesty with all parties. I was involved decades ago with Loving More and founder Debra Annapol (now long deceased), and their good books and materials, but I am sure there are many more today. For me, the idea is that loving more means just like you can love more than one child, you can love more than one intimate loving partner "with benefits" (sex!).

The norm was male-dominated in biblical times, with many wives and concubines (for breeding). Only Timothy and Titus's elders were supposed to have one wife. In one case celebrated Christian, the husband owned his "too numerous to count" women. Adultery was a property-right crime, unless the husband gave permission. BTW, gay/lesbian was never wrong as we know it today, only acts of pederasty by heterosexual males, but that is a different topic.

I do not close with a benediction or pass the offering plate. :)
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Thank you for the name compliment. I really couldn’t think of anything and just put that haha.

Honestly, I really don’t care about the sex. I am satisfied, he is not. I am really just unsatisfied with the lack of other intimacy and my lack of time without children calling out “MOM” 3 million times.

I’d definitely say communication has some to do with it, but I can’t make him understand or force him to do anything he doesn’t want.
 
Iamher said:
That’s great! I’m hoping to find something, but unfortunately I moved to a city that is pretty conservative and doesn’t have really anything going on.
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You can google "your city La Leche League" and see what pops up. LLL caters to all, not just progressive types. Lots of conservative women breastfeed because "that's what god intended." I found my tribe in LLL. I made a great group of like-minded friends. We had so much fun, even with kids in tow. The kids would entertain each other and that would give us moms time to talk.
Iamher said:
I’ll have to look at things happening in the city I used to live in (45 minutes away). I know they have groups and things. My baby is 4 months so getting close to water and eating. Luckily I’m not in that new mom phase where I don’t want to leave him. I’m definitely down to be without him. haha
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You're in the trenches, and I understand completely. Many of my mom friends back then had had homebirths, ate whole foods (mostly-- we weren't saints), and ended up homeschooling, at least for a while. The support was great.

Meanwhile, back to the unequal stuff with the hubs. You just need to assert yourself and tell him what you want and need, before you go completely 'round the bend. You can't keep giving water from a dry well.
 
Magdlyn said:
You can google "your city La Leche League" and see what pops up. LLL caters to all, not just progressive types. Lots of conservative women breastfeed because "that's what god intended." I found my tribe in LLL. I made a great group of like-minded friends. We had so much fun, even with kids in tow. The kids would entertain each other and that would give us moms time to talk.

You're in the trenches, and I understand completely. Many of my mom friends back then had had homebirths, ate whole foods (mostly-- we weren't saints), and ended up homeschooling, at least for a while. The support was great.

Meanwhile, back to the unequal stuff with the hubs. You just need to assert yourself and tell him what you want and need, before you go completely 'round the bend. You can't keep giving water from a dry well.
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I looked up LLL and as I suspected there is not one in my city. The closest is 40 minutes away, I may still check it out, so thank you.

But I am working on being assertive, but I can only change my own actions, so it’s mostly just going to be me taking more time for myself.
 
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