Jealousy over types of dates

[dingedheart]

First I’d like to thank you for such a comprehensive answer to my questions…it really fills in the blanks for everyone.

My husband and I both grew up very religious and married young, neither of us seriously dated anybody before each other. Now in mid-life he's been doing some serious therapy work, fallen away from religious practice, and started looking into other ways of living life. He did also have an affair. After the affair he expressed interest in polyamory. I know there is a lot of suspicion around that kind of thing, that some men claim interest in enm or polyamory as a way to basically get "approval" for affairs, but he's been really communicative and open. I wish it hadn't happened because of cheating, but his affair really opened his eyes to the idea that the religiously-informed monogamy that had been presented to us from childhood wasn't the only option, and also that he had a lot of internal crap that he needed to deal with in therapy, which he's been doing. We've read books and articles and listened to podcasts, and he started going to a poly meet up group.

Did you did you do couples therapy to heal from the affair? How much time and healing had occurred before he started pitching poly? In most cases affairs seriously muck up the waters for a smooth transition.

Admittedly, I wasn't feeling totally ready for it the day he came and said he'd met someone at the group that he wanted to date, but I agreed anyway. I'm not sure that anybody's ever totally ready for something like this, in the same way that nobody's ever totally ready for parenthood. You can do all the research in the world but you don't know what it's going to be like for you until you're actually in the trenches.

100% nobody knows what it’s going to like in someone else’s trench. Excellent point, especially someone with zero experience.

I haven't met his girlfriend, but I can tell he's really happy and she seems good for him--a huge contrast to his affair partner who I did meet and who was a toxic mess. When he came home from being with her he always came back late, distracted, couldn't re-integrate into family life and was constantly texting her. It was awful. When he's been with his current girlfriend, he comes home when he says he will, happy to see us and ready to be mentally present with me and our daughter.

It might be less about the person he’s dating and more about maturity and learning from bonehead moves the last time around.

I'm not missing out on the experiences themselves, because I could do all those things on my own or with someone else. I'm sad that I don't get to do those things specifically with my husband. I don't begrudge him sharing that with someone else, but I wish I could have something similar, because I didn't ever get adventurous or fancy dates or romantic weekend getaways with him.

Does this bother him, as well?

I realize that I get to have experiences his girlfriend will not have. We live together and have a child and share finances, go on family vacations, and celebrate holidays together. I'm just jealous that I want to be able to do those fun things with my husband too and I can't right now. I feel very depressed when he's gone all weekend. I get happy again within hours of him coming home, so it's not a long term sadness. But yeah. I think fomo is probably a good description. I'm sad that my meta gets to have a kind of dating experience that's very different from the one I get or have ever had. It's not that I can't go out of town for the weekend, or that I don't want him to take her out, it's that I wish he could take her out of town this weekend and then take me next weekend, but that's not how our life works.

Does his Gf have other partners, or is she married with children, as well?

 

[Tinwen]

Does this bother him, as well ?

That one is actually a great question :O Do you think your husband also regrets not having that kind of couple time?

 

[greenapple]

That one is actually a great question :O Do you think your husband also regrets not having that kind of couple time?

It hadn't really occurred to him until I brought it up. But once I did, he expressed understanding and some regret that we can't do the same kinds of things. He tried to work with me to brainstorm a solution, but we couldn't really come up with anything other than maybe hoping we make a new friend who would be willing and able to babysit.

 

[greenapple]

She thinks caring for a 9 year old is easier than for a baby. I guess that's usually true, but if you mean it doesn't need to be for a special needs kid, you're probably right.

My daughter is extremely bright, and a wheelchair user. As far as care...yes and no. For me, this age is a lot easier than baby stage! She reads and plays video games and entertains herself pretty well. But she can't dress herself and needs assistance in the restroom and help transferring from wheelchair to car/sofa/toilet/anywhere else. It's easy to find a babysitter for a baby or toddler who needs to be carried around and toileted. Much harder to find people who are mentally willing and physically able to do that for a 55-lb 9-year-old.

 

[Magdlyn]

My daughter is extremely bright, and a wheelchair user. As far as care...yes and no. For me, this age is a lot easier than baby stage! She reads and plays video games and entertains herself pretty well. But she can't dress herself and needs assistance in the restroom and help transferring from wheelchair to car/sofa/toilet/anywhere else. It's easy to find a babysitter for a baby or toddler who needs to be carried around and toileted. Much harder to find people who are mentally willing and physically able to do that for a 55-lb 9-year-old.

I have friends who work or have worked as "PCAs," personal care assistants, who are strong and trained to lift and help people in wheelchairs or with other capabilities. Is that not a possibility for you guys?

Thanks for sharing what you're dealing with. There are so many different needs. I had a friend whose daughter was a young adult but severely autistic, which of course, is a whole different ballgame, for example. In my state there is help for people of all ages with this condition. My own daughter with BPD got worse as she entered her teens and 20s, but we could leave her (and her siblings) with sitters or family as a child. Her dad and I went through hell when she was 16-26.

 

[GalaGirl]

Sorry — voice-to-text typo. "Easies" was supposed to be "eases."

What I meant is that I sympathize. Even though OP is past the newborn/baby stage — so probably no longer dealing with postpartum recovery (if it was a biological birth), nursing, or formula — they’re still parenting a young child, and special needs bring their own ongoing challenges.

My daughter is extremely bright, and a wheelchair user. As far as care...yes and no. For me, this age is a lot easier than baby stage! She reads and plays video games and entertains herself pretty well. But she can't dress herself and needs assistance in the restroom and help transferring from wheelchair to car/sofa/toilet/anywhere else. It's easy to find a babysitter for a baby or toddler who needs to be carried around and toileted. Much harder to find people who are mentally willing and physically able to do that for a 55-lb 9-year-old.

Yes. I can see where finding a sitter would be a challenge.

GG

 

[dingedheart]

It hadn't really occurred to him until I brought it up. But once I did, he expressed understanding and some regret that we can't do the same kinds of things.

Because this is the first official poly experience AND THIS IS occurring on the front end of his/their relationship I'd suggest NRE is playing a heavy role and it’s not surprising it hadn’t really occurred to him. In fact, I’d also suggest with longer-standing married couples transitioning, the exploration pool of activities has been run through your spouse's list of likes and dislikes have been established and categorized. With a new partner/lover, everything seems more limitless and fun, less like a UN negotiation.

He tried to work with me to brainstorm a solution, but we couldn't really come up with anything, other than maybe hoping we make a new friend who would be willing and able to babysit.

No extended family nearby? What about his new lover? Any chance she could help out?