Jealousy

h.sher

New member
My story is sort of long but I'm hoping others have advice for me. I'm 29 years old and my husband and I have been married for 5 years (together for 12). We were each others firsts and only people we had slept with.

3 years ago while we were hanging out with his best friend we ended up having a three some and he loved seeing me with someone else. So I continued to sleep with his friend for years. My husband never slept with anyone else because I am a very jealous person.

Now I don't sleep with his best friend anymore because I developed feelings and stopped because I want to be with my husband. But he doesn't feel we are even and can't stop thinking about wanting to sleep with other girls.

I break down crying everytime I even think about him flirting and sending sexts with another girl. I don't know how to get over the feeling of "not being enough" for him.

Recently I also found out that he was flirting with a girl behind my back and had plans to meet up with her. He stopped talking to her though because he developed a crush for her. He assures me if he starts getting feelings for a girl he is flirting and sexting that he will stop talking to her. But how do I not live with that fear every single day that he is falling for someone else?
 

GalaGirl

Active member
I am sorry you struggle. I hope you feel better for airing out.

This doesn't sound so much like a poly thing to me as it does a possible cheating husband, and then trying to decide what to do.
  • Try to work it out?
  • Or break up because you have changed over the years and want different things now?
Is that what you are dealing with right now?

3 years ago while we were hanging out with his best friend we ended up having a three some and he loved seeing me with someone else. So I continued to sleep with his friend for years. My husband never slept with anyone else because I am a very jealous person.
Were you all consenting and happy to share that initial threesome? Or were you just doing to make hubby happy with some fantasy of his?

Now I don't sleep with his best friend anymore because I developed feelings and stopped because I want to be with my husband. But he doesn't feel we are even and can't stop thinking about wanting to sleep with other girls.
Your husband and you both know sex is not some kind of "keeping score card" right?

And he can daydream all he wants, but if your CURRENT marriage agreements are monogamous? Then he'd be cheating on agreements.

What ARE your current agreements?

I break down crying everytime I even think about him flirting and sending sexts with another girl. I don't know how to get over the feeling of "not being enough" for him.
You are plenty enough you. Stop being your own bully and don't devalue yourself.

If what he wants is more partners now? Well, you are not magic. You cannot turn yourself into two people just so he can have more partners. Limit of the Universe.

If his current agreements with you in the marriage are no extra people? He has to renegotiate with you first for Open Marriage or else he's cheating on agreements. And if you don't want to be doing that? You don't want to be in an Open Marriage? You say NO.

If he wants to be seeing other people and doesn't want to give that up? He doesn't want to be in a Closed Marriage any more ? Painful as it is? Best you are both honest about having change over the years and now want opposite things. No longer compatible and you break up.

Then he can be free TO pursue all he wants.

And you can be free FROM having to deal with any of that any more.

Recently I also found out that he was flirting with a girl behind my back and had plans to meet up with her. He stopped talking to her though because he developed a crush for her. He assures me if he starts getting feelings for a girl he is flirting and sexting that he will stop talking to her.
Are you guys open or not? Because if he's sexting people behind your back, and you guys are Closed? That's cheating on agreements to me. People can cheat on their open, casual sex, swinging, and poly agreements too. These things are not magic things that are "automatically" cheater proof.

A person's character and their ability to keep their promises and their Word is what stops cheating. Are you both people of your Word?

But how do I not live with that fear every single day that he is falling for someone else?
What is it you fear would happen?

Because if you want one sweetie, and want to relate 1:1 in a closed monogamous situation? There is nothing wrong with wanting that.
If he no longer meets your personal standards for what you want?

Well... If you guys have been each other's first and only since 17 years old and you are now 29? The person who you were in your teens may not be the same person you are now at almost 30. It is possible to have changed over the years. No longer be compatible and have grown in different directions.

I think it is best to address that head on, and clear things up.

Than to be "going through the motions" or "bending into pretzels" trying to hang on to something from habit rather than evaluating if this is still a healthy, deeply compatible relationship or not.

I encourage you to do your soul searching and then talk to husband plain.

It is not fun to break up. But sometimes that's the healthiest option.

Galagirl
 

vinsanity0

Active member
You had sex with another guy for years? Was that because hubby wasn't enough for you? And hubby never had an opportunity to explore sex with someone else, not because he didn't want to, but because you couldn't handle it?

While sex shouldn't be a scorecard, I can see how he feels the situation is unbalanced. As GG pointed out, you met as teenagers. You've been with another guy. He hasn't been with anyone else. Forget "enough". That is a myth. He is having normal curiosity, fueled by your affair. It's hard to close that door once it has been opened.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Hello h.sher,

It sounds like you and your husband need to have a marathon talk. Like you need to talk with each other about what you can stand, what you want and what you need, what you can expect. As it is now, your husband is just kind of doing whatever he thinks will "level the playing field." That is not fair. It trespasses on your boundaries. You have to tell him, "When you flirt and sext with other girls, it makes me live with the fear that you are falling for someone else. I cry when I think about that. You must stop doing it." Remember, you stopped sleeping with his best friend when you started having feelings for him. So it is only fair for your husband to stop flirting with other girls, that way you are both monogamous. I am thinking nonmonogamy is not good for either of you, at least not right now. Maybe sometime in the future.

Of course, there is always the chance your husband could say, "No, I am not willing to stop flirting with other girls." At that point, you would have to determine whether you could stand to go on with this situation, knowing it makes you cry and be fearful every time he does it. If you can't stand it, and he is not willing to stop it, then you would have to divorce. But let's hope it doesn't come to that. Right now, just have a marathon talk with him, and try to figure out what the two of you want, need, and can stand. Obviously, things can't just go on the way they have been going, it's too stressful on you.

I take it the two of you have an agreement that, you can see other people, but only as long as you don't develop any feelings for them? Like, if one of you starts falling for someone you're seeing (flirting/sleeping with), you will discontinue your relationship with that other person right away. If this is your agreement, can you trust your husband to adhere to that agreement? If not, then you have a trust issue.

I hope the two of you can work things out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

Evie

Active member
Alternatively, do the talking in small, bite-sized pieces so neither of you feel overwhelmed by it and it doesn't end up escalating into a tearful argument.

Also, recognise that it is very possible to grow into a mind/heart set wherein you are not fearful of your husband leaving you because he forms another, or multiple other, sexual connections. If you consider that jealousy is a fear of loss, and envy is a fear of missing out, then you're both fearing quite a lot at the moment.

Surprise, there is an alternative if you can grow into it. One where you aren't both ruled by those respective fears. That possibility may be what led to you posting on a polyamory board, not a cheaters one.
 
Even if you're totally monogamous, he could leave you for someone else. He is less likely to leave you if you can allow him to meet his needs within your relationship. If you make him choose, he might not choose you. But no, you'll never be able to control his feelings for other people. The best thing you can do is make your relationship a haven for him rather than a source of stress.
 

Shelly1983

New member
Hello, h.sher!

So, I am a graduated psychologist and will add a bit of professionalism to my answer, as polyamory and open-relationships are a bit new sphere of exploring for me.

You need to ask yourself several questions:

1. What are you really afraid of?
2. How do you see your husband?
3. How do you feel about yourself and him?
4. Do you think your marriage is strong or you fear that it would break, because of you?

We are growing up and being encouraged to see our beloved once as our 'property'! 'You belong to me, I belong to you' so jealousy is not that much about 'betrayal', as it's more about ownership, as well. We should stop thinking that we own the other people, even the ones we love. He had overcome his own jealousy and ownership (typical male, patriarchal idea) and let you explore with his friend. I don't think that this should be 'You owe me' game, but if he wants to have what you had, you should seriously think about it... If you can't allow it, then you should find more arguments for your refusal than 'I am jealous'! Men rarely share, especially in my geographical territories, where I am living, so you have found a rare type of man. Or maybe he was expecting you to return the favor.

You should continue to communicate. Don't stop. Also, you should have serious dialogues with yourself about jealousy, ownership, and F-E-A-R/insecurities!

Whatever you decide it should be your own choice it must come from inside of your consciousness because it's your life.

💓
Good luck!!!
 
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